Tag: relationships

When I was 6, my dad cheated on my mom.

I will never forget my sister’s arms covering mine like a seatbelt as we watched Mom chase Dad out of the house. I didn’t understand what was going on back then and was way too young to grasp the concept of cheating. It just seemed like Mom and Dad had a fight about something.

Inevitably, that led to a divide in the family, and we pretty much lived without my dad for a few years.

There’s No Place Like Home

Dad came home when I was about 10 to 12. Although, his presence was always fleeting. I’d see him around at home on some days and then for long periods after, he would go missing again.

It didn’t feel right, but nobody said anything. Nothing about the affair (which I came to understand much later on), nothing about this unusual arrangement, or what was happening between Mom and Dad. There was no “our Dad is an idiot” uttered among my siblings, no “your Mom and Dad are separating” from the elders, nothing.

As much as I thought things were odd, I learnt not to question anything and to just accept the way things were. Over time, what is supposedly a broken family developed into a norm for me.

However, I also believe that a bad husband doesn’t necessarily make for a bad father.

Every Parent Loves Their Kid

In fact, he played a crucial role in my childhood and through all the times I’ve spent with him, he had ingrained in me many inherent attributes, albeit a mixture of good and bad ones.

Ever since I could walk, my dad was training me to kick a ball, and kick a ball I sure did. Like his father, he was a semi-pro footballer in the past, and I am very grateful that he had put me into an academy school for football at a very young age, for football has become a huge part of my life, even after 20 years on.

On the days where nobody was sporting enough to bring me out, Dad would whisk me off for some entertainment, taking me out for meals and spoiling me at arcades.

On other days, however, he would bring me out bar-hopping. Not the hipster bars that our millennial friends would chill and have deep conversations at either, but the shady ones with the flirty bargirls, heavy cigarette smoke, and sometimes god-awful karaoke.

Looking back, these bars were extremely inappropriate places for a father to bring his twelve-year-old son. But this was (in his own words) his way of ‘opening my eyes’ and ‘broadening my horizons’.

“If I can’t teach you good, I can at least teach you the bad.”

I was just twelve when I saw the world of bar girls taking orders from men who would eye them up. And when my dad flirting with different women became normalised behaviour, masked under the guise of ’friendly conversations’. Conversations that my dad would say, “talking cock” and “all in good fun.”

As a quiet kid by nature, I mostly observed those chummy interactions and minded my own business.

My dad introduced me to pool, and I’d always look forward to being back at the pool table—that became part of the only reason why I looked forward to going out with him later on.

Over time, I started to notice that there was this one lady who would approach my father on many days. As a kid, I didn’t really think too much into what that meant, except that she was my father’s companion for the night.

Then one day, my father asked me to call this lady Mom.

I cannot even begin to explain the mix of confusion and perturbation that put me in.

I know my mom, and she’s the woman who has been taking care of me since young, and whom loves me with all that she has. This lady, on the other hand, was someone who gets chummy with Dad on certain nights at the bar. How am I to call her Mom?

At the same time, I had no idea what it meant for my dad to do that.

It messed my mind up about what love is, how relationships work and what is morally right. It messed me up knowing that I had been practically watching my dad spending time with his mistress(es) thinking that it was no big deal. And to realise this whole other world that my dad had been living while my mom was back at home, slogging to look after her three children by herself. Are relationships like that? I didn’t remember it being like that in shows or anywhere else.

Looking back, I definitely I would have stood up to him if only I knew.

If only I knew.

You Can’t Choose Your Family

Since young, the phrase “no matter what, he is still your father” has been reiterated to me by my aunts, my uncles, and even my mom. And for the entirety of my childhood, I truly believed that my father was my father no matter what.

Despite all the shady activities and mistresses, I still saw him as a father. I appreciated having him around and genuinely believe that in his mind, this (bringing me into his world of bars and girls) was his way of getting closer to me.

The fact that we share quite a few similarities and him having imparted various skills that turned into personal passions of mine helped maintain that somewhat positive image I had of him.

As the only person that he let in on a side of him that no one else knew, I also saw myself as the potential bridge to making my family whole again (once again, because family should stay together right?).

I had even rationalised that perhaps, all the time he had spent with me was a cry for help. As the only family member who was close to him, I felt like I was able to break him out of his unhealthy habits at some point.

Unfortunately, it was all wishful thinking because what was a father-son relationship to me was to my dad, something that he could exploit. At least, that was what it seems when I picked up a call in late 2016.

Children Are A Poor Man’s Riches

“Where the f**k is your father?! Owe money don’t need to pay ah? If don’t pay back by 5pm, I’ll burn your house down!”

After the initial state of confusion, it hit me that my dad had given his son’s (my) personal details to a loan shark.

The most wrong I’ve done to him was probably stealing from his piggy bank (maybe it’s karma), but there I was as the guarantor for him to loan sharks. It was one of the worst feelings in the world, and I felt absolutely betrayed.

Soon enough, my family learnt that Dad had owed 21 loan sharks a total sum of $35,000.

Besides the loan sharks, he had also sold my insurance for money, and used my name for a telco plan, which racked up a debt of $900. When my family confronted him about it, his response was, “let them sue, they wouldn’t dare.”

With the help of my relatives, my family eventually paid off all the debts in hopes of closing this chapter, as my dad promised to do. And for a moment, I really thought that that was it for drama.

Then, just last month, I received a series of messages looking for my father. Again. From loan sharks.

It was barely three years ago that we paid off all his debts, but my father had let us relive all of those feelings of confusion, fear, worry, and heartbreak all over again. All for money which we have no idea what he needed for.

“Blood Is Thicker Than Water”

I used to love my father for the moments that he had brought to my life. For the times that he taught me football (even though the methods aren’t the best), how he introduced me to playing pool, which I’m good at now, and for just being around in his own, unorthodox way.

These skills and moments, however, do not even come close to justifying what he has done to my mom, my family, and me.

Not only has he broken our heart so many times, he had, through exposing me to the world of bargirls and flirting in my formative years, given me a warped belief system. I’ve had to relearn what it is like to love and to learn how to differentiate the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in relationships—not just romantic ones. I've hurt many people because of that and I beat myself over it.

For a long time, I struggled with coming to terms with having him as my father, and I cannot deny the many times I blamed him and wondered what I did to deserve a father like him.

I believe there are many things that contributed to how he turned out. Maybe it was his upbringing, or something that messed him up when he was young, but something should have contributed to him being this way. But for the most part, this man did not treat me like his son and I cannot possibly blindly accept that blood is thicker than water like I have been brought up to believe.

Learning to accept that has given me peace that I did not have for a long time. Lacking a ‘proper’ fatherly figure definitely affected my life but I’m thankful to have moved on mentally.

The whole concept of a traditionally-complete family is lost to me, but I’m happy to say that my family is as complete as it needs to be now. I have my mom and my siblings who love every bit of me, and whom I love as dearly. That is all I need from a family.

Also read: We Live Under One Roof, But We Don’t Feel Like Family At All.

(Header Image Credit: Ian Tormo on Unsplash)

I’ve got a friend who had to hide her relationship with her boyfriend just because they were colleagues. They worked on the same accounts and because of the toxic office environment, had to be wary of revealing their status. “There was a culture that you should always be pulling your weight and there’s always a fear that our relationship would be used against us. Like ‘oh they're not OTing because they're probably going out and leaving all the work to others’.” Keeping the relationship under wraps was also to safeguard themselves against colleagues they could not trust: “We don’t want people to say things like ‘she/he's slow because she/he's distracted by their partner." Which begs the question: is it a good idea to date someone you meet at work, or to even work with your romantic partner?

Mixing Business And Personal

There’s a saying that you should never work with friends, otherwise, you have to be prepared for the possible death of that friendship. Working with family or a loved one? Even tougher - how do you even deal with them back at home after fighting at work? In our Singaporean culture especially, where we are too non-confrontational and would feel too paiseh to offend anyone, that ‘anyone’ being someone we love makes it that much more problematic. And no one wants to be stuck in that awkward dilemma between being nice and having to do their job right. Similarly, there’s a long-standing belief that you should never ‘shit where you eat’. Some would rather leave a company than start a romantic relationship with their colleague. Yet today, all these beliefs seem to be more of a myth, as we see more Singaporeans choosing to work with friends, continuing their family businesses, and also being co-bosses to their businesses with their romantic partner. We spoke to some couples who chose to hustle together to find out how the heck they survive as partners-in-crime in all aspects of their life.

Daniel and Natasha - From Boss And Employee To Lovers

Singaporean Couples That Work Together
Image Credit: Natasha
He was her boss, and they found themselves falling for each other as they spent many late nights working on projects together. Their boss-employee dynamics meant they had to keep their dating status under wraps before they found a right way to break the news responsibly to upper management. Natasha: “It was quite weird at first, but thrilling! For example, because we had to be low-key at the start, we would leave at different times and rendezvous somewhere so it wasn’t obvious.” Meanwhile, they spent that period setting ground rules to ensure that they wouldn’t let their relationship get in the way of work. However, Natasha admits that there were fights that got so bad, they ended up not talking to one another the whole day. Those instances tempted her to quit. “In the end, we just sat down with one another and talked about it and laugh at ourselves because of how silly the situation was.” Now that both of them have moved on to another company, where their job scope also require them to work closely with each other, Natasha talks about how working together has contributed to their growth individually and as a couple. “During the first 1.5 years, it tested us both. From working on pitches to having a normal brainstorm session, there were times where we let our personal lives come into such work situations. But we realised that it wasn’t healthy so we sat down to thrash things out. From thereon, it became easier to separate work and personal lives.” Although Natasha admits that both of them would occasionally blurt out “baby” by accident during work hours. Dedicating quality time with each other out of work has been something that they have practiced as well. To Natasha, having that one-on-one time with each other lets them check in on each other without the ‘noise’ at work. “We try to keep to our rule of not talking about work during our dates because we don’t want to let it define our relationship. It really helps because you realise that there’s so much more happening in your partner’s life even when you’re working in the same office.”

Wei Zhang & Pauline - A Marriage Of Work And Play

Singaporean Couples That Work Together
Image Credit: Wei Zhang
Running a business is a big deal, and for husband and wife Wei Zhang and Pauline, they are in it together. Each high-achievers who had their own ventures before their partnership in business, Wei Zhang and Pauline have co-owned four businesses since they were 20-years-old. On top of running Lendor, their latest business venture as a couple, both of them are also lecturers at education institutions. With so much on their plate, stress and conflicts are inevitable. I wondered how they have managed to stay sane and happily married. Wei Zhang: “It’s true that a conflict that happens at work becomes personal after you get home but I think every couple has conflicts over different issues. At the end of the day, it is more important to know how to resolve conflicts. To also build trust and respect in order to sing in tune and minimise conflicts from arising, be it in business or at home.” Contrary to what we are used to believe, the husband-wife dynamic has actually made it much easier for them on embarking on projects together. “We know each other’s strength and weaknesses, and we respect every opinion put on the table. Therefore [working together] was never a big problem for us considering the scale of problems we are attempting to tackle [in our businesses.]” I asked Wei Zhang if there is any ‘secret sauce’ to making it work as a couple who hustles together. “I think husband and wife dynamics should be brought to all business partnerships because for business partnerships to tick, there needs to be the same kind of mutual trust and respect between partners.”

Nerissa and Abel - No Sweat In Working Together

Singaporean Couples That Work Together
Image Credit: Nerissa
Abel has always been active and Nerissa has always wanted to open her own business, thus Box Office Fitness was born. The two of them found a mutual love for the boxing-inspired fitness classes they attended overseas and decided to bring that concept to Singapore. Being romantic partners and business partners only strengthened their relationship. The only downside? As they shared with Vulcan Post, it’s that “we spend a lot of time talking about the business so we rarely talk about anything else, but that’s fine and will probably change with time.”
Singaporean Couples That Work Together
Image Credit: Vulcan Post
As it is both their very first business venture, I asked Nerissa if they had any major conflicts. We very rarely fight over the business since we handle very different aspects of it. The biggest fights we’ve had have always involved cleaning. Like whose turn it is to clean the toilet or whose turn it is to vacuum!” The couple handles the different aspects of the business based on their individual strengths: Nerissa handles most of the day-to-day operations while Abel focuses on the training aspects of the studio like the programming of classes. As for segregating work and 'play', “we don’t separate work matters and personal emotions and that’s what works for us!”

Blurring Lines Between Business And Personal

Working with someone you are close to can be tricky as there is an emotional baggage, making it tough to clearly distinguish work conflict apart from personal feuds. Furthermore when you’re dealing with someone you love. It’s also bold to start and run a business in Singapore’s ultra-competitive landscape. And it’s heartening to see that millennials are breaking the trite stereotype of millennials being underachieving strawberries. What more, going against the grain together with their other half. There may be a belief that business and personal can never go well together, but these couples, and the couples we spoke to on camera a year ago for the video Can Couples Work Together?, prove otherwise. https://www.facebook.com/millennialsofsingapore/videos/844305589064193/ Juggling work and personal is no longer a miracle as long as each individual is determined to make things work with the other. Most of all, it is the trust and respect that they have got each other’s back. Also read: Paktor Do What? 9 Singaporean Couples Share What They Do On Dates.
Do you remember the first time you masturbated? Did you feel guilty for the way it made you feel? If you did, you're not alone. Masturbation is a part of human nature. Despite having studies prove that masturbating is good for relieving stress and boosting our mood, it's still one of those things that many do, but few talk about. The first time we masturbate is an euphoric experience, where we experience a wave of immense pleasure we never knew possible. But it also leaves us confused and embarrassed. And that makes for interesting stories to tell.

1. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

I only masturbated when I was 18 because I always thought it was a “dirty” deed from the way my friends used to tease each other about it. But one night, I was lying on my bed and hugging my bolster while watching a movie clip that turned me on. That’s when I impulsively began rubbing my legs against my penis (with my clothes on). I remember it feeling damn good. I kept rubbing until... yeah, it came out. Did I accidentally masturbate? Maybe. - Riduan, 21
pillow masturbate
GIF Credit: GIPHY

2. BOYFRIEND WANTED TO WATCH

The first time I masturbated wasn't by choice. I was 18 and I only did it because my boyfriend wanted to watch me touch myself. It felt like my body wasn’t even mine. I haven’t done it since we broke up. - Jas, 21

3. LATE-NIGHT GAMING

I was a 15-year-old who was really into this massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG). One night I decided to strip one of the female characters naked (well, almost naked because I couldn’t remove their underwear). I don’t know what made me think that I should rub myself, but I did. But after the wave of pleasure passed, I quickly put my clothes back on because I felt dirty. - Wei Jie, 25
gaming masturbation
GIF Credit: GIPHY

4. OUT OF BOREDOM

I was 18 or 19 and wanted to try it out for myself, having heard how great it feels. I went online and googled tips on masturbating. During school break, I was home alone and decided to try it out. It was horrible and uncomfortable. I didn't use porn or anything. I thought you didn't have to be horny to masturbate, I thought it was just something you could do when you were bored. - Aisyah, 25

5. THE ABSENCE OF A GIRLFRIEND

lonely relationship
GIF Credit: GIPHY
I was 15 when I first started masturbating. It was after I stopped dating this girl who was quite experienced and gave me handjobs on different occasions. I wanted to replicate what she did to feel the same pleasure again. But I was constantly worried what would happen if people knew I masturbated. I guess I felt guilty about it in a way, especially when I fantasised of other female bodies when I was attached. - Sean, 25

6. SINNERS GO TO HELL

I was 13 years old and my friends were talking about some website in class, so we went to one dude's house to check it out after school. We realised it was porn, and us being guys, we just kept on scrolling. Then one of my friends asked us if we had jerked off before. Most of us didn’t know what that meant, so he explained it to us. That night I went home to the same website and tried jerking off. I felt a mix of emotions after, but being Christian, I remember thinking I’d committed a sin and I’m going to hell. - Jason, 26
masturbation sin
GIF Credit: GIPHY

7. AT THE AGE OF 4

I was 4 years old, and I didn't know what it was or what I was doing, I just knew that if I pressed my genitals onto something, it will feel good. There was once when my mum caught me in the act and interrogated me, asking me who I learnt that from. That made me think that I did something wrong, because why else would I get chided for it? - Sophia, 19

8. WERKING THE POLE

pole masturbation
GIF Credit: GIPHY
I started watching porn when I was 12 years old. I realised I liked watching girls on a pole. That made me want to try posing with a pole too. So one day, I hopped on one of the vertical pillars of my bed with my legs crossed on them and my vagina touching the pillar. I felt immense pleasure as I rubbed myself against the pillar and my panties started getting wet. But then I realised my fingers were better at doing the job. - Shirin, 25

9. I THOUGHT I WAS ABNORMAL

When I first masturbated at the age of 17, it was because I was curious, and wanted to know what feeling 'sexually satisfied' felt like. I'd only heard of guys doing it and that made me think that I was 'abnormal' because I, a female, also had sexual urges. And even though I enjoyed it, I also felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something 'wrong'. My parents never talked to me about it, so I automatically assumed that it was something clandestine. - Cheryl, 27

10. A STOOL AND A TOILET ROLL

I was 11 and simply curious and interested. So I tried to f**k the hole in the stool. Didn’t work. Tried to use a toilet roll, didn’t really work too. Tried my hand, finally worked. But after that it felt weird and I thought that I needed to pee. Oh, and I also felt dirty. - Daniel, 24
masturbation method
GIF Credit: GIPHY

WHY THE GUILT?

A lot of these stories have one thing in common - the feeling of guilt. Many of these stories end with the individual feeling dirty or ashamed. For some of us, our religion tells us that it's a sin. For others, the fear of our parents finding out fills us with shame. Perhaps it's because of the fact that it happens in private, we feel that it's something that should be hidden. And because no one talks about it, there's no one to tell us if it's right or wrong. Maybe it's too hopeful to think that we can start talking about masturbation openly, but we could begin with asking ourselves why we feel guilty, and if that guilt even makes sense to us. If there's nothing about masturbation that rubs us the wrong way, isn't it better if we could find a way to work through the guilt and enjoy this 'pastime'? Also read: Is There A Need For Better Sex Education That's More Than STDs And Abstinence?
As conservative as our society is, millennials are no longer the generation that practices abstinence until marriage. In fact, those who still do abstain are the odd ones out who get teased. Whether it’s statistics from an Institute of Policy Studies that '1 in every 2 Singapore residents do not feel that pre-marital sex is bad' or just the general reactions during sex talks among our social circles - it’s no longer a surprise when you find out that your couple friends are having sex, in fact it’s almost expected. We hear a lot about sex from Western culture, but what about Singaporeans? Curious to find out how fellow locals feel about sex, I spoke to 15 Singaporean millennials. How important is sex in a relationship and is sexual compatibility a deal breaker? Here’s what I found.

How Important Is Sex In A Relationship?

As expected, 11 of 15 Singaporeans (73%) surveyed find sex to be quite important to very important. Not surprising at all, considering all the messages I have grown up being exposed to from Hollywood TV shows and rom-com films to celebrity gossip news. The main reasons behind those who see sex as a significant part of a relationship are that sex is an unspoken way to express love, affection, and intimacy that’s more than just friendship. Then, there’s some that consider it important as it’s part of their love language. One of them shared, sex is “a cornerstone of every relationship. It's the biggest way of showing each other affection and love, apart from the day-to-day small gestures.”
Sex and Sexual Compatibility
GIF Credit: GIPHY
Sex is also a way for some of them to keep the flame alive and for one married millennial, “without sex, it feels like something is missing in the relationship. Sex makes me feel a whole other level of intimacy and closeness with my partner.” For the four from the other camp, one has chosen to abstain from sex due to religious beliefs while the rest reasoned that there are other factors that define a relationship, like personality or being able to appreciate quality time with each other.

What About Sexual Compatibility, Is It A Deal Breaker?

Even though more than 70% voted that sex is important in a relationship, only 6 of 15 (40%) felt that sexual compatibility is a deal breaker - a result I am surprised at, which I will share why further down. The two main reasons behind sexual compatibility being a deal breaker for these millennials are the conflict of values and the difficulty in compromising on sexual preferences. Essentially, if one has certain beliefs or values on sex, especially on abstaining due to religion, the other will have to ‘reciprocate’. It will be a big problem if a couple’s personal beliefs and values don’t align. Also, it’s very hard to compromise on something like sexual desire, “you don’t want to have sex with someone who goes left when you go right, or if someone expects sex everyday but the other don’t want to.” As for the majority (60%) that voted sexual compatibility as not a deal breaker, they reasoned that it boils down to communication and being mature enough to come to a common understanding. For them, a couple can make the choice on sexual compatibility being an issue or not, “as long as both parties are open to trying, experimenting, or coming to an agreement to compromise for each other. Otherwise, it could lead to repressed sexual emotions or even cheating. Just like personality quirks, two also said that it is about respecting your partner’s sexual desires and needs - “when you know they are doing something they don't really like in bed just for you, it makes you treasure the other person more."

I Disagree With The Results

Contrary to the results of the survey, I personally don’t find sex to be particularly important in a relationship. I do see how such intimacy can help with keeping things exciting, but I value many other parts that constitutes a relationship, like warm hugs, deep conversations, or just the plain, old commitment to stick with each other through thick or thin. Or perhaps, you can say that I have a way lower sex drive than others. After all, sex is really a personal preference, as with how some people have sexual kinks while others don’t. I am, however, very surprised at how only 40% (6/15) of those surveyed consider sexual compatibility a deal breaker because I have always thought that a person’s sexual preferences is an innate drive that is very hard to compromise or even change. For one, differing sexual expectations can put unhealthy amounts of stress on the relationship. I once dated a guy who wanted sex a lot, while I was unsure if I was ready to lose my virginity. As a result of pressure, the guilt I felt from not making him happy as a girlfriend, and the intention of shutting his constant ‘just try only la’ up once and for all, I succumbed.
Sex and Sexual Compatibility
GIF Credit: GIPHY
My giving in, however, gave him the chance to ask for us to do it more. But as anyone would know, the more you ask for something from someone who doesn’t want it, the more the person won’t want to do it. He’d even put on porn for us to watch just so it may get me aroused. The situation got so bad that it became a natural tendency for me to shut off the moment he started kissing me - I even felt grossed out.   As one wise guy I surveyed shared, “everything leading to sex and sex itself put you in a position where you are not only physically but mentally vulnerable to your other half. The whole act as a couple shows the amount of trust you have with them not to hurt you, but an act of affirmation that this is between you two.” Thus, having the same level of understanding on sex and intimacy is something I feel extremely important. I’m not a strong believer in my faith but I know people who choose to follow the values that they were taught in their religion. Whether it’s the belief that sex is something sacred only reserved for the one they marry or that it’s just considered sinful to engage in pre-marital sex, such beliefs can create a lot of problems for a couple. Take for example a free-thinker friend of mine, Nathan*, who once dated a Mormon girl. Among many other strict rules in the religion, Mormons are not allowed to engage in intimate touching and kissing outside of a heterosexual marriage, let alone pre-marital sex. They naturally broke many of those ‘rules’ and while she couldn’t deny enjoying what they did, she’d feel guilty about it. As for Nathan, he’d always have to wonder where to draw the line, always treading on thin line and hoping that they won't get into any kind of trouble. That’s not a healthy way to date. Then, there’s media and peer influence. A couple needs to be fully clear and accepting of each other sexual preferences (or how often to have sex). Otherwise, it is very easy to be swayed by society or be pressured into being ‘normal’ like the rest.

Sex Is Just One Part Of A Relationship

Regardless, a relationship is a lot more than just sex. For some, sex is something that they absolutely cannot do without while others see it as a non-essential relationship activity. To say that sex should be important in all relationships or sexual compatibility should be a deal breaker is akin to trying to force someone into a religion. Also, if you’re limiting yourself to finding the one person you have the best sexual chemistry with, you could end up an old spinster trying to find the perfect one. Ultimately, if a couple really commit to love and treasure each other, they would want to make things work together, even if it means compromising on their own sexual preferences to make sure their partner is happy. So, how important is sex to you and is it a deal breaker? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below! Also read: Is Marrying Young Only For The Rash and Reckless?
When you’re in a long-term relationship, it can feel like there’s nowhere to go in Singapore for dates anymore. You’ve done movies, dinner, picnics, touristy places like USS and the Zoo, and you’ve walked the Orchard to Dhoby Ghaut stretch so many times you can tell when a new shop pops up. Going out for dates even feels like a chore sometimes. We spoke to 8 Singaporean millennial couples to see how they deal with (the burden of) planning dates. Hopefully, their dating habits inspire you in keeping it fresh for your relationship!

1. Jacky & Li Ru, Together for 2 months

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? Once a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? We go on food hunts and movie dates. We signed up for GuavaPass so we’ll go on weekly exercise dates too. We also had a fun gaming outing where we played PS4 recently. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We’ll just meet, eat, and walk around where we eat at. Sometimes, you don’t have to have a "destination" in mind, it's the company. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? The company. - Jacky

2. Zafirah & Farhan, Together for 6 months

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? We meet each other about 2 to 3 times a week, depending on our schedules. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? We usually just eat. We like to explore new makan places that we saw on Facebook or if there's any good food deals. Besides eating, we like to walk around or find a spot to sit and talk. Or watch movies, go bowling, and most recently, sing karaoke! What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We’ll just park the car somewhere and talk while listening to music. I actually enjoy spending time like this. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Honestly it's not about where you go or what you do, but the person you're with. if you're with good company, you're guaranteed a good time. It’s also important for us to be 100% present on dates instead of fiddling with our phones. - Zafirah

3. Justinn & Danessa, Together for 8 months

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? Almost everyday. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? We go thrift shopping and movies or eat. Otherwise we just stay home and chill. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? Stay at home or spend time with each other’s family, or find our friends to hangout together. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Just being with each other. - Justinn

4. Alanna & Kar Liang, Together for 2.5 years

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? If you mean how often we meet up or go out, one or two times a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? When we meet on weekends we will plan our day around a place we want to eat at, or something we want to see or need to buy. If there are any good movies, we'll watch it. When we don't feel like doing much, we just go out for a relaxing cup of coffee. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We’ll list out as many ideas as we can and then narrow them down until we decide on something. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Taking turns to do things that your partner wants to do, and being comfortable to just do nothing together sometimes! - Alanna

5. Daniel & Natasha, Together for 2.5 years

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? Not as often as when we first started dating, but we do make an effort to go out once in awhile. Maybe once or twice a month. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? I like to plan surprise dates for her occasionally, just because I know she loves that. It’ll usually be a nice restaurant because we eat cheap normally, so it’s like a treat. On a more regular basis, we’ll either catch a movie or check out an exhibition at the gallery or museum. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? I’m quite a “cheapo” so sometimes when we have no idea what to do, I’ll check discount apps or find 1-for-1 deals to help pick out a restaurant. There are other apps or websites too that help recommend date ideas. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? I think the most important is that we both enjoy doing things that both of us can appreciate together. Of course, we enjoy each other’s company as well! - Daniel

6. Melissa & Andy, Together for 2.5 years

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? We date occasionally since both of us are really busy, but weekend hangouts are a must. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? Dates are always food-fuelled. Besides that, it’s movies and window shopping. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We do stay-home dates since it's all about spending time together. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Definitely the company. It can be a trip to some kopitiam but the experience will still be great for the both of us. - Melissa

7. Marie & Leslie, Together for 2.5 years

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? At least once a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? We usually watch movies or bring my nephew out to places like the goat farm, frog farm or neighbourhood playgrounds. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We usually meet our friends to play board games, PS4, or workout together. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? FOOD!! - Marie

8. Anmol & Wayne, Together for 4 years

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? Twice a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? It'll just be dinner on a weekday. On a weekend, we’ll usually catch a movie or window shop in town. We'll go for events or carnivals if there are but we won't spend, we just like to see stuff. We’ll also catch the free performances at Esplanade outdoor theatre sometimes. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We usually wait until the last minute and someone will end up suggesting something after Googling. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Spending quality time and catching up on things that happened in the week. It's a bonus if we get to do something or go somewhere new. - Anmol

9. Victoria & Beng Kiong, Together for 6.5 years

what to do on dates How often do you guys go on dates? About once or twice a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? When we first started dating, we would go on 'running' dates at MacRitchie because we knew each other from Track & Field. These days, just having dinner at a nice restaurant is good enough for us. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We keep suggesting things until we can agree on something. Otherwise, we usually head to the nearest park for a walk like what your grandfather and grandmother would do on Sunday mornings. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? I think we're lucky to share many common interests despite our contrasting personalities. It does get boring after doing the same thing for so many years so trying new things is important. For example, I was introduced to bouldering by a friend and I thought it was fun, so I roped him in to try it with me. - Victoria

It’s Not The Place, It’s The Person

Instead of lamenting how there’s nothing to do in our tiny island, make it fun for yourself and your partner in your own ways! As these 3 other couples shared in our earlier video, there’s always new things and events that are happening around Singapore. https://www.facebook.com/millennialsofsingapore/videos/902216563273095/ And on days where you really have no idea what to do, just Google. There are a ton of suggestions online, like this listicle on 100 Best Things to do in Singapore. Step out of your comfort zone and try new stuff! Who knows, you might stumble upon a new favourite hangout or even a new hobby that both of you can enjoy together. Also read, 12 Things Singapore Couples Do That Singles Buay Tahan.
A romantic notion that's ingrained in us by romance movies and Nicholas Sparks novels, we were taught that love is synonymous with butterflies in the tummy, grand romantic gestures, and feeling ‘complete’, all of which only The One can grant us. It came as no surprise that we devoured it like unsuspecting fishes drawn to the bait. Heck, we’re the generation that spends our Wednesday nights living it up, downing shots in clubs, all the while maintaining a GPA that’s no less than three. When we’re presented with the idea of Happily Ever After with The One, trust me, we’re hell-bent on fulfilling it.  Most, if not all, of us are so fixated on the idea of The One that our lives revolve around this notion. I remember the first time I told my dad that I was dating someone. As a naive seventeen-year-old, I described my date to him as someone who is cute, rich, and The One I want to be with forever. Shallow, I know. As a man who has been married for more than 17 years with three kids, he found my sappy proclamation of love laughable, “enjoy it while it lasts. You should get him to bring you out on a date at a five-star restaurant while you’re at it.” Back then, I didn’t get why my dad would always scoff at my romantic views toward love. In my mind, I’ve simply labelled him as someone who’s pragmatic. To him, The One is just a bullshit fairytale that’s fabricated and fed to women to make the lives of men hard. He’s a firm believer that there is no one singular person, soulmate or The One who’s magically made for us. A relationship doesn’t flourish on feelings, it requires hard work and effort to make things work. We ourselves create The One from the partner we choose to enter and stay in a relationship with. I, on the other hand, believe that there are many The Ones out there for us. My friend Kayla* serves as a prime example. An avid consumer of bubblegum love songs and 90s romance films, she had spent her whole life anticipating for The One who will grant her a lifetime of happiness. When she met Dave*,  she was convinced that he is the one she's going to spend the rest of her life with. One fine day, she finally decided to lose her virginity to him. He broke up with her a few days later, claiming that his feelings have faded. As bystanders of the relationship, we were quick to call him out on his bullshit but she was convinced that she had lost The One. As a result, her attitude towards love is akin to that of an atheist towards God. She turned to clubbing and one-night stands because to her, since she had lost her one and only shot at true love, why bother anymore? Fast forward a year and countless swipes later, she’s now in a relationship with a decent guy she met from Tinder who she’s certain is also The One. For many of us, Kayla’s story is all-too-familiar. At some point in our life, we would have been so sure that the person we’re dating is The One. So much so that we would apply for a BTO flat with them, no hesitation. However, if things don’t work out, our take on love will be pessimistic until the next The One comes along, and the whole cycle repeats until we settle on someone who eventually becomes our husband. There is no one specific person who you’ll instantly fall in love with and want to marry. At 18, we might be attracted to the f-boys who gave us the thrill and excitement of young love that we craved for - "The One we had fun with". But at 25, most of us would be looking to settle down, so we’ll search for a partner who is mature and shares the same goals and values as us. They’ll end up being “The One we’ll marry”. As our phase in life changes, so does our values, beliefs, and interests. Needless to say, our definition of The One will evolve with us as well. There is no pre-made singular The One whose entire existence on this earth is to fall in love with us and complete us. In life, it’s guaranteed that we’ll meet a series of potential partners. It is all up to us to discern who The One is for us right now. The notion of The One could also just serve as a reminder of the relationship that we deserve. On the other end of the spectrum however, there are the toxic behaviour that stem from the notion of The One. And it's imperative for us to tackle such behaviour as well. Tom Hansen, the title character from (500) Days of Summer, meets a girl named Summer who he believes is The One. From the get-go, she sets the record straight that she isn’t looking for anything serious and she doesn’t believe in love. Even so, he is still convinced that she is The One and he went on to project all his romantic fantasies onto her instead of getting to know her for who she is. Some of us could have been Tom in our relationship; so blinded by the whole concept of The One that we are determined that this one person is the only one meant for us. While the rest of us could have been in Summer’s shoes, no stranger to the toxic and stifling relationship where your partner is obsessed with their idea of you being The One and projecting their unrealistic expectations of love on you. The film ends with a newly-wedded Summer confiding in Tom her new found belief in soulmates and destiny, how he was right about it, it just wasn’t her that he was right about. A few days later, Tom meets a girl named Autumn (literally) and his eyes light up once more while Mumm-ra’s She's Got You High plays in the background.  It's pretty tongue-in-cheek but it echoes my sentiment of how there is a series of The Ones that we will meet in our journey instead of just one predetermined The One. Despite all these, I do think that it’s completely okay to hold on to the belief that there is someone out there who is meant for you, as long as you’re being realistic about it. At the end of the day, our trust in the notion of The One is comparable to people’s faith in birthday wishes and four-leaf clovers. Deep down, all of us know that it’s just a tale, but some will still choose to believe in it as it provides a sense of comfort in the bleak and lonely world that we live in, and there’s no wrong in that. *Names have been changed for privacy purposes. Also read, Is Marrying Young Only For The Rash And Reckless?.
I’m a lot closer to my friends than my family. There’s so much more that my friends see and know about me. It isn’t because I grew up being looked after by my grandparents, relatives, or helper. I was never sent to child care centres either. My parents brought my brother and me up all by themselves. It wasn’t that I grew up in a broken family either. My parents were always loving to each other and to us. Our middle-income family lifestyle also meant a high regard for simplicity, humility, and maintaining family ties. We appreciate what we have and we appreciate each other, yet I feel a disconnect with the very people I’m supposed to be closest to – and it’s not because we don’t spend time together. Occasionally, my father will drive us across the causeway for cheap eats, shopping, or a massage. My mother’s regular home cooking is also a reason for us to huddle together for dinner every day after work. We spend a lot of time together but there’s hardly any conversation aside from my mum’s gripe about the market prices of meat and vegetables. I don't share about my day and I don't ask them about theirs. It just feels weird, unnatural. When I see social media posts of my friends enjoying movie nights, ice skating, or trips to USS together with their family, I wished my family was like that too. It isn’t where they went that I am envious of, it is the laughter and light banter in the background. It is the quality time together that I long for. Was there something we could have done in the past that would have made us closer now? Why don’t we do fun family activities together? Is it because all of us grew up too quickly? I know, it’s already a privilege to have a family. An unexciting family of four, stable and boring, but safe. Some people don’t even have anyone to call ‘family’. I appreciate what I have but if only I could draw close to my supposed nearest and dearest without feeling so awkward.

My parents’ love for my sibling and I is undeniable, but so is the ever-growing gap between us.

When I had trouble catching up on my studies, I hid it from my parents. When it came to matters of the heart and having my heart broken by the guys I dated, I turned to friends instead. When I was lost and confused about life after graduation, I turned to Google for advice. My parents didn’t deserve to be disappointed, and I never felt comfortable to share. Call it pride, call it fear but it was never a natural way of my life to talk about my feelings and emotions with my parents so openly. And now that I’m a working adult with my own social circles and partner, there are more distractions and lesser reasons for me to talk with my parents. Perhaps we were just that stereotypical Asian family who avoided complicated topics and shunned from anything related to sex. When I asked why I was growing hair at my nether regions, my mother would tell me that it is because I didn’t wash my vagina clean enough. When I had my first period and asked why we (girls) had periods, my dad said it’s just something that makes you an ‘official woman’. They never elaborated more than that and I never probed. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I’m so gullible today. However, the ‘Asian culture’ was stronger during my parents’ days and yet they still remain close to their siblings. Even though we all live separate lives, every family gathering filled our home with warmth and energy, there was always laughter and chatter. Perhaps this is the legendary kampong spirit that everyone talks about. What happened with my generation then? Perhaps it’s because life was much simpler then. In place of movies or video games, entertainment was playing marbles or fives stones with siblings or the neighbours’ kids. Social gatherings meant you had to interact with people instead of being on your phone.

Stevecutts GIF by Moby

As much as it feels distant, the thought of losing my parents still scares me. Besides the pain of never seeing them again, I worry that losing them would also mean losing the only thing that holds my brother and I together. We were raised by the same parents and only two years apart, but we couldn’t be more different. We have led two very separate lives and we barely look alike – we were never close, not when we were young and not now. I knew a girl in my secondary school who had a brother I wished I had. He was a senior in our school and he’d always walk her home. Even when my friend stayed back for CCAs or simply to hang out with her friends, her brother would wait in school until she was done. I wanted that protective and cool brother who would not only be my guardian angel if someone shoots rubber bands at me but would also teach me how to fire these rubber bands back with twice the power. Instead, most of the interactions I had with my brother involved us fighting between ourselves. Now that we’re older, my brother makes an effort to communicate and connect with me despite working and living in another country most of the year, but it never feels right. We speak in different languages and our conversations lack depth but I still hope that eventually my brother and I will find a connection we never had. I just hope my brother believes it, too. After all, blood is always thicker than water. Also read, 12 S’poreans Reveal The Most Endearingly Embarrassing Habits Of Their Mums.
"I don't usually do this but can I kiss you?" Would you find it weird if your boyfriend asked you for permission before he kissed you? That’s what my friend Edd had asked me a while ago. I can’t remember what our first kiss was like, but if he did I probably would have nodded, or just smiled and went in for the kiss myself. “What if it was a dude you weren’t so sure about yet, like you are interested but you’re still not 100% sure if you’re going to date him for real?” Even with dates, I’ve always been forthcoming with my kisses – ugh, am I just too easy? But I was already romantically invested in those dates I kissed and it just felt like a natural progression of our feelings and affection for each other. Something that holding hands or hugging wouldn’t quite capture. It was straightforward to me. If I like you romantically, I would want to feel closer to you, and that would translate to physical intimacy. But as simple as it is to me, it isn’t for Edd – perhaps it’s just more difficult for guys.

Romantic Interest And Consent

Having missed one too many shots at a happily ever after, what went wrong? Edd seemed to have an extremely different perspective of how physical intimacy played a part in relationships. Edd would hit the home run as soon as it was appropriate because physical intimacy is the ultimate shield from the dreaded friend zone. Touch was also his way of showing that he’s interested. Now I started to understand why the girls in Edd’s life seemed to flee. Men give love for sex, women give sex for love – things might have changed in this modern era but I believe this quote still holds true. Women still needs to feel an emotional investment and connection for sex to count as love-making, or else we might interpret it as a quick touch and go. There are better ways to demonstrate your interest on the first date instead of diving straight into the deep end of sex. Because his advances never worked well, Edd wondered if getting consent helps. But, “I don't know if it's because of the toxic macho culture I've been exposed to, I've been led to believe that women find it kind of weak for a man to ask for a kiss or for sex.” Gone are the days where men have to be the archetypal, dominant head of the household. Those typically masculine qualities do help make a man seem more attractive but there are many other equally or even more important traits that women seek for today, like humour and stability. Yes, asking for permission may come across as shy and insecure, but it is better than scaring women away for being overconfident or too physically forthcoming. Contrarily, I wouldn’t think any less of a guy’s masculinity if he asked to kiss me. It shows me two very valuable traits: that he’s polite and respectful – he cares enough about how I would feel and respects me enough to check before treading on into ‘sensitive territories’. I’d definitely tell my girls about it and giggle about how silly or cute it was of him to ask, but that all depends on how interested I already am in him.

How Fast Is Too Fast?

I went around the office to find out the ‘best’ time to kiss or engage in coitus. After making my colleagues feel paiseh with clearly too many personal questions in the middle of a work day, and doing some more research, I concluded: there’s no answer. There is just no right or wrong when it comes to love and no model timeline to physical intimacy. Everyone’s got their own ‘pace’. No one has the right to impose rules on when to start getting intimate in a relationship either. Neither should we compare or worry about how fast is too fast. What’s norm for someone else may not be for you and if you’re not comfortable, then what’s the point? The chemistry between two individuals is different for every duo. You may feel like long lost lovers with one person but with another, it could take several dates before it feels ‘right’. As vague as it sounds, there are signs you can always count on to determine if this moment is ‘right’ for cozying up to each other.

Reading The Signs

Brush your fingers against mine, inch closer so our shoulders touch, let your hands linger a little longer around my waist after we take a photo – if I don’t flinch, that’s when you know I’m ready for interlocking fingers and warmer hugs. Any verbal consent would only kill the mood and take away the excitement! Kisses are a little trickier, you have to be sensitive to the energy around you. It could be that extra few seconds of lingering after you bid her farewell at the void deck, or the way she looks at you intently, or in the most obvious case, if she doesn't turn away when you inch your face close to hers - not in a creepy 'I want to eat your face way' of course, just purse your lips a little, close your eyes... If you find a way to slide your tongue into the game, then you’ve unlocked the next phase: making out.

Then, there’s sex – the fine line of consent separating rape and love-making. It doesn’t have to be as awkward as “would you like to have sex with me?”. A simple “you wanna do it?” between breaths works too. Else, consent comes in many non-verbal ways too: if she doesn't brush your hands away from her private areas, when she presses her body against you or initiates even more intimate behaviour, it's a good sign. Obviously in this case, if a girl says, "no," or "I don't want," she's not playing reverse psychology. As modern and liberal as we have evolved to be, most of us (Asians) are too shy to speak our minds in fear of rejection or ‘throwing face’. This is especially so for women – most of us still wait for men to make the first move. I’m guilty of being passive aggressive myself, keeping my dissatisfaction and preferences to myself hoping that my partner would magically read my mind but obviously, no one’s Professor X here. In fact, our blockhead boyfriends will appreciate that we lied on their shoulders or gave them a peck on the cheek first.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

I think it’s still safer to know someone better before getting intimately involved. Once you do, it can be hard to tell if you really like the person for the wholesome meaning of a relationship or if you’re just sexually attracted. And it is such a waste to mess up a chance at a happy ending just because you went in for that kiss she wasn’t quite ready for. Regardless, be confident and don’t be swayed by what others think is too fast or too slow. Find your own pace, read the cues, and go with the flow. *Name has been changed for privacy reasons Also read, Wet, Weird, And Adorable – Millennials Recount How They Lost Their First Kiss.
Wet, slobbery and passionate kisses, we’ve been on the roof top of JEM for the last 15 minutes. It feels like an hour. Straddled on top of you, it was exciting and arousing for you a lot longer than it was for me – I kept going because I loved you. When you unzipped your pants, I didn’t think much of it, but in a sharp whisper you asked to go to third base. Whether I shook my head or stared blankly at you, I can’t recall.   Hoarse pleas of “we can’t stop here,” whispered repeatedly from the lips I was so passionately kissing moments ago – something about the way you begged made it impossible to say no. But my body reacted before I could consider giving in, erupting into rapid, shallow and irregular breaths as I turned away from you. Shaking like a scared puppy on your lap, you zipped up and held me tight.   Swaying gently, you stroked my hair. You must love me. There’s no doubt about that. I felt your excitement ease but it was my turn to swell – pink and puffy from the friction of my cotton panties against your jeans, my skin burned whenever I used the toilet. Is that normal? He was the sweet boy that everyone adored for his masculine physique, good nature, and fun-loving personality. I felt small and well protected with him. He understood what it meant to love the invisible man in the sky, what it meant to be ‘touched by the Bible’. He really wasn’t my type. I’ve always had a penchant for the bad boys who were good only to me. It wasn’t like I actively sourced them out to change them, they were just somehow drawn to me. Maybe because I had the morals of a conservative Christian but lived within the loopholes of the bible, the grey areas that divide different Christian groups. Safe but still fun. He broke the streak of bad boy personalities and became my perfect match – His tenderness was best friends with my guilty conscience and his love a dictator of my soul. I know what you said, you wouldn’t love me any less if we didn’t do these ‘things’, yet when I asked if we could stop, the forlorn look in your eyes said otherwise. It made my heart ache as much as my jaws. I wonder if you knew the contrast of bliss and disappointment on your face was too much for me to bear. It reminded me that I had the power to turn that frown upside down but I chose not to. I am selfish. I am a terrible girlfriend.  You pulled up your pants before lifting me off the ground in one swift motion as I whispered a pathetic trail of apologies. Your embrace, tender kisses and ‘It’s okay’ didn’t offer any comfort. You planted a final peck on my cheek, ready to leave. “I’ll do it. I want to do it. Just not in my balcony. Even with the curtains, it’s too in the open. My sis might come down and see us. Let’s do it in the toilet instead.” I caved in again and hated myself for it. Back on my knees, I played your disappointment in my head on repeat, willing my tongue and lips to graze all the right spots for just a bit longer. For just a bit longer, I need to ignore the palpitations that made my body shake. I love you, I mustn’t be selfish. I stood up. Somehow my usual tricks couldn’t convince me to finish the job tonight. My eyes burned as hot as the welt on my knees that sunk between tiles. I looked at you, no longer worthy of your love but hoping you’d give it to me anyway. For the second time tonight, you pulled your pants up and I followed you out of the toilet. As you packed up your things, I leaned against the wall some distance away. You hugged me, gave me a kiss on the forehead, and wiped my tears away. The gentler you were the louder my guilty conscience – I blew it. I blew my second chance. When he cheated on me, I didn’t wait for his apology to forgive him. The day I found out, he joined my family for dinner where my dad talked extensively about the hotel we were going to stay at for our getaway in Malacca – Holiday Inn, that’s where he f**ked the girl. Against my friends’ counsel, I stayed with him because I believed our love was strong enough to overcome his infidelity. I threw myself into the art of forgiveness, always tiptoeing around his crime. I didn't even stop him from going to the club after that, determined to show him that my trust hasn't wavered. I think I fixed us but I forgot about my own broken heart. Even when he reassured me that his affair wasn’t my fault, I sucked him off anyway to make sure he wouldn’t find solace in another girl. I could never shake off the fear when I had to reject his advances. The certainty of my yeses and noes were marred because my consent and dissent swayed to the rhythm of his persuasion. Just like Ariel, I traded in my voice for a chance at love, except she got Eric and I turned to foam. I am objective enough to take responsibility for this feeling of violation. I was never clear enough. I only hoped he read my mind or inferred from the few times I broke down in the middle of making out. The relationship was toxic for more reasons than this, but I clung on because there was just enough love and attention to keep me going. When we finally ended things, I was a tragic mess but my friends rejoiced, knowing that I will eventually see what they have been seeing. I often questioned why I never ventured beyond third base – what stopped me from being that girl who gave sex for love and lost it anyway? You. We often spoke in revere of chastity and you confessed how my purity was one reason we’re together. I should have known then that your stand on virginity was personal and not religious. You loved me for a lot of things but my abstinence was a big factor – I wanted to keep you interested. I deal with the wreck of my relationship, knowing I am not the only girl who walks around with a chip on her shoulder. This story is for the girls who will never be able to fully express their feelings of being violated because we enabled it, because there was never verbal or physical abuse, only the silent threat which we convinced ourselves would happen if we didn’t do so – we have no right to feel victimised.
Story is adapted from an original recount shared to us.
Also read, Millennials Share Their Biggest Relationship Mistakes So You Wouldn’t Make The Same Ones.
The ‘gay best friend’ has made an appearance in various chick flicks – Damian from Mean Girls and Christian from Clueless, heck there’s even a movie released in 2013 titled G.B.F. Although they stereotype the gay community as flamboyant gossip queens, we’re not here to shed light on the media’s lack of representation. Most of us know that not all gay men are effeminate and sassy. In fact, having an openly homosexual friend doesn't raise eyebrows anymore. It has even been proven that straight women find a greater sense of comfort and trust in their friendships with gay men than fellow gal pals.
Image Credit: Vertical Entertainment
It was my gay best friend's birthday a few weeks back and I was about to post a photo of us on Instagram with a sappy caption until I realised how much we looked like a couple. I was sitting on his lap, both of us looking flushed from the drinks, all ready for ZoukOut. Research shows that compared to men, women are touchier with people they are close to, so it's normal for them to hug their close friends, exchange the occasional cheek kisses or hold hands while hanging out. I am no exception. Before my friend asked for advice on the huge fight she had with her long time lover about going overseas alone with her gay friend, I never had a reason to question my own behaviour with my gay best friend. Turns out, all my friends have extremely differing views on whether the physical intimacy between gay men and straight women are an exception to the rules governing a monogamous relationship. We can't blame our boyfriends for being protective, but is this too much?

How It Looks

Back when we had more time for each other, my Instagram feed was filled with photos of my gay best friend and I, always with our hands wrapped around each other's waist. Since I wasn't attached and he wasn't completely out of the closet, people assumed he was my new hot date. As flamboyant and effeminate as they might be, a gay man doesn't have defining 'gay' features. If pictures are enough to make my friend and I a couple, an intimate hug or interlocking fingers in public will definitely look bad on my beau. I didn't post the photo in the end because I didn't want my relationship to be subjected to unnecessary judgement. It won't be fair for my boyfriend to defend my reputation and our relationship against his close friends and family, too.

Born This Way

When I asked a few other guys to comment on the matter, “What if he changes his mind about being gay?” is the most common concern they have. Don't be too quick to call them bigots, let’s not forget that YouTube star Gigi Gorgeous came out of the closet three times – first as gay, then as trans and after she broke up with her one-year boyfriend, she came out as lesbian.
Image Credit: @GigiGorgeous
Discovering gender and sexuality is a journey. We live in an era of non-binary gender identities and the freedom to love whoever we want. That makes, "Is he really gay?" a valid concern. Although I reassured my friends that a more likely possibility to worry about is the girlfriend developing a crush on her best friend instead. I cite the various forums and articles of girls fessing up on falling in love with a gay man as reference.

Same Same But Different

On these same forums, many talked about how boyfriends should think of gay friends as just another female. Is kissing your gay friend really the same as kissing one of your girlfriends though? Let's not strip a man of his masculinity just because he shares your preference for dicks – gender orientation and sexual orientation are different. Your gay friend deserves to be respected like the man he identifies to be, regardless of how "limp-wristed" he is. If your boyfriend objects to the physical aspects of your friendship with a gay man, it also means he respects your best friend as a man sans his sexual preference. That's why he may be upset to catch you sitting on someone else's lap – as innocent as the intention was.

Commitment

Then there's the "but we've been friends for so long already," and "it didn't mean anything." While tongue wrestling with a platonic friend and having one night stands have no emotional sentiments, it definitely meant something. Physical intimacy is a big factor in a relationship and it becomes void of its exclusivity if you get too touchy with anyone else. In the end, every relationship is defined only by the two people involved – where do you and your partner draw the line on skinship with other people? Also read, I Like Guys And Girls But My Religion Says It’s Unacceptable.