19th April 2019—The day before

5.30am

The first wave of ‘fake’ contractions kicked in at irregular intervals of 8 mins, 10 mins, 4 mins, and 6 mins. I recorded the duration and intervals of each wave on the contraction tracker app.

The day went on as per normal. My mother-in-law even packed chicken rice for Fong (my husband) and I and we had dinner at home.

12pm

I had a bloody show but the contractions slowly went away.

10pm

The contractions came again. This time, the contractions were starting to come on an average of 6 to 7 mins and the intensity of the pain was getting stronger. I tried lying down but it made me feel even worse. I couldn’t sleep.

I wondered: Is it another round of ‘fake’ contractions again? I wouldn’t want to make a wasted trip to the hospital. But if it were real, I would want to wait until it has passed midnight before we check in so that we wouldn’t be charged an additional night. So, the waiting game began.

I continued monitoring the contractions. The waves started to come in stronger and at shorter intervals. Fong had gone to bed and I started pacing around our bedroom.

I tried to find an optimal position that can help relieve the pain. I moved from sitting in the armchair to a standing position, to sitting down on the floor against the wardrobe, to sitting up on my bed, to lying down on my bed. I tried the deep breathing technique, hoping it will help. But nothing worked. I wondered if I should wake Fong up, but I wasn’t sure if this was the real deal, so I continued to time the contractions and endure the pain.

20th April 2019—The Day

2.30am

Fong was shifting around in his sleep when he accidentally kicked me. He woke up and found me sitting at the edge of the bed. I told him I was in pain and my contractions had been coming in fairly regular intervals. He suggested that we make our way to the hospital slowly, given that I already had a bloody show this afternoon.

He remained calm and collected as he started to do some last minute packing. I went to take a long shower, pausing to grab hold of the shower head pole whenever the contractions kicked in. Then, it finally dawned on me that buibui (my baby) is indeed coming. We made our way to Mount Elizabeth Novena Hospital once I was done.

4am

We checked in to the delivery suite. I was given enema to clear the bowels first before the nurses put me on IV drip to ensure I was hydrated throughout. The urine catheter was also put in place. The nurse then placed two sensors across my tummy using elastic straps, one to monitor the contractions, one to monitor buibui’s heartbeat. It was then she checked that I was already 4cm dilated.

5am

The anesthetist came and gave me the epidural. I was asked to arch my back as much as I could. She had to poke me twice or thrice because I moved.

Soon after, I could feel a cooling sensation down my back. The effects of the epidural kicked in around 15mins later when I felt both my legs go numb. I was also given oxytocin via drip in order to help labour progress. Once in a while, the nurse would come in and adjust the dosage of the epidural. This was to ensure that I could still feel some contractions so that I could push better later on.

8am

I felt tight contractions on my lower pelvis. The nurse checked and noticed that my water bag has burst and I was 8cm dilated. Buibui’s head was gradually moving down. I could start to feel the painful contractions again although I was on epidural.

This was the part where buibui’s heartbeat started to drop. The nurse quickly gave me the oxygen mask and started shaking my tummy as she tried to locate buibui’s heartbeat again. She shook my tummy multiple times and asked me to breathe in deeply. I could hear the monitor projecting a heartbeat that was slowing down.

After a few minutes, we finally managed to stabilise buibui’s heartbeat. You can only imagine how worried I was. The nurse explained the series of events to me and shut off the oxytocin drip. I didn’t dare to move an inch anymore.

9am

Stronger and stronger waves of contractions kicked in. It felt as if I didn’t have any epidural at all. The nurse increase the dosage from 12ml to 15ml. I asked her if the drugs will affect buibui’s heartbeat again.

If it will, then I would rather bear with the pain than allow it to affect my baby.

The nurse went out to call the anesthetist. When it was just Fong and I left in the room, I started crying uncontrollably. I was in so much pain and I was worried about buibui at the same time. I continued to ride through the unbearable contractions, telling myself that:

“Pain is temporary. Buibui is forever.”

But the pain overpowered my mind and body, so much that I told Fong that I wanted to just do C-section now. Fong tried to console and encourage me. I was pretty sure he felt so helpless watching me cry. The nurse came in and started consoling and encouraging me too. She gave me laughing gas and told me that the anesthetist approved another stronger drug for the pain. But it will, again, take 15mins for the drug to take effect. I continued my mantra.

10am

I was fully dilated and the nurse practised pushing with me. The lower end of the bed was removed and two leg rests propped up at the sides. As the contractions came in, the nurse guided my breathing and pushing. She was so encouraging, telling me that she could see the baby’s head and that he has a lot of hair. This motivated me as well. Another nurse placed a mirror at the end of the bed so that I could see buibui’s head as I pushed.

11am

My gynae reached and with three pushes, Baby Eyden was born.

Both Fong and I teared together. It was such an amazing moment and I kept reliving it over and over again in my head.

We requested for delayed cord clamping, and Fong cut the umbilical cord. They put Eyden on my chest and I marvelled at how handsome he is.

The gynae continued to stitch me up as the nurses proceed to weigh and check on Eyden. He was born 3.4kg, 52cm long, and 35.5cm head circumference. The nurse complimented on my wonderful performance again, birthing this big-size baby with my petite body.

After a while, we tried direct latching Eyden onto me. But I was shivering so badly from the side effects of the epidural, so we passed Eyden to Fong for skin to skin contact instead. At that moment, I felt so thankful to have Fong and the nurses by my side throughout.

Now I understand. This, is why mothers always say: “Everything is worth it.”

This post was originally written by Serene Heng. We have reproduced this with her permission.

Also read: I Became A Dad At 22 - Our Parents Opposed But We Kept The Baby.

(All images used in header image taken from Serene Heng)

When I was 6, my dad cheated on my mom.

I will never forget my sister’s arms covering mine like a seatbelt as we watched Mom chase Dad out of the house. I didn’t understand what was going on back then and was way too young to grasp the concept of cheating. It just seemed like Mom and Dad had a fight about something.

Inevitably, that led to a divide in the family, and we pretty much lived without my dad for a few years.

There’s No Place Like Home

Dad came home when I was about 10 to 12. Although, his presence was always fleeting. I’d see him around at home on some days and then for long periods after, he would go missing again.

It didn’t feel right, but nobody said anything. Nothing about the affair (which I came to understand much later on), nothing about this unusual arrangement, or what was happening between Mom and Dad. There was no “our Dad is an idiot” uttered among my siblings, no “your Mom and Dad are separating” from the elders, nothing.

As much as I thought things were odd, I learnt not to question anything and to just accept the way things were. Over time, what is supposedly a broken family developed into a norm for me.

However, I also believe that a bad husband doesn’t necessarily make for a bad father.

Every Parent Loves Their Kid

In fact, he played a crucial role in my childhood and through all the times I’ve spent with him, he had ingrained in me many inherent attributes, albeit a mixture of good and bad ones.

Ever since I could walk, my dad was training me to kick a ball, and kick a ball I sure did. Like his father, he was a semi-pro footballer in the past, and I am very grateful that he had put me into an academy school for football at a very young age, for football has become a huge part of my life, even after 20 years on.

On the days where nobody was sporting enough to bring me out, Dad would whisk me off for some entertainment, taking me out for meals and spoiling me at arcades.

On other days, however, he would bring me out bar-hopping. Not the hipster bars that our millennial friends would chill and have deep conversations at either, but the shady ones with the flirty bargirls, heavy cigarette smoke, and sometimes god-awful karaoke.

Looking back, these bars were extremely inappropriate places for a father to bring his twelve-year-old son. But this was (in his own words) his way of ‘opening my eyes’ and ‘broadening my horizons’.

“If I can’t teach you good, I can at least teach you the bad.”

I was just twelve when I saw the world of bar girls taking orders from men who would eye them up. And when my dad flirting with different women became normalised behaviour, masked under the guise of ’friendly conversations’. Conversations that my dad would say, “talking cock” and “all in good fun.”

As a quiet kid by nature, I mostly observed those chummy interactions and minded my own business.

My dad introduced me to pool, and I’d always look forward to being back at the pool table—that became part of the only reason why I looked forward to going out with him later on.

Over time, I started to notice that there was this one lady who would approach my father on many days. As a kid, I didn’t really think too much into what that meant, except that she was my father’s companion for the night.

Then one day, my father asked me to call this lady Mom.

I cannot even begin to explain the mix of confusion and perturbation that put me in.

I know my mom, and she’s the woman who has been taking care of me since young, and whom loves me with all that she has. This lady, on the other hand, was someone who gets chummy with Dad on certain nights at the bar. How am I to call her Mom?

At the same time, I had no idea what it meant for my dad to do that.

It messed my mind up about what love is, how relationships work and what is morally right. It messed me up knowing that I had been practically watching my dad spending time with his mistress(es) thinking that it was no big deal. And to realise this whole other world that my dad had been living while my mom was back at home, slogging to look after her three children by herself. Are relationships like that? I didn’t remember it being like that in shows or anywhere else.

Looking back, I definitely I would have stood up to him if only I knew.

If only I knew.

You Can’t Choose Your Family

Since young, the phrase “no matter what, he is still your father” has been reiterated to me by my aunts, my uncles, and even my mom. And for the entirety of my childhood, I truly believed that my father was my father no matter what.

Despite all the shady activities and mistresses, I still saw him as a father. I appreciated having him around and genuinely believe that in his mind, this (bringing me into his world of bars and girls) was his way of getting closer to me.

The fact that we share quite a few similarities and him having imparted various skills that turned into personal passions of mine helped maintain that somewhat positive image I had of him.

As the only person that he let in on a side of him that no one else knew, I also saw myself as the potential bridge to making my family whole again (once again, because family should stay together right?).

I had even rationalised that perhaps, all the time he had spent with me was a cry for help. As the only family member who was close to him, I felt like I was able to break him out of his unhealthy habits at some point.

Unfortunately, it was all wishful thinking because what was a father-son relationship to me was to my dad, something that he could exploit. At least, that was what it seems when I picked up a call in late 2016.

Children Are A Poor Man’s Riches

“Where the f**k is your father?! Owe money don’t need to pay ah? If don’t pay back by 5pm, I’ll burn your house down!”

After the initial state of confusion, it hit me that my dad had given his son’s (my) personal details to a loan shark.

The most wrong I’ve done to him was probably stealing from his piggy bank (maybe it’s karma), but there I was as the guarantor for him to loan sharks. It was one of the worst feelings in the world, and I felt absolutely betrayed.

Soon enough, my family learnt that Dad had owed 21 loan sharks a total sum of $35,000.

Besides the loan sharks, he had also sold my insurance for money, and used my name for a telco plan, which racked up a debt of $900. When my family confronted him about it, his response was, “let them sue, they wouldn’t dare.”

With the help of my relatives, my family eventually paid off all the debts in hopes of closing this chapter, as my dad promised to do. And for a moment, I really thought that that was it for drama.

Then, just last month, I received a series of messages looking for my father. Again. From loan sharks.

It was barely three years ago that we paid off all his debts, but my father had let us relive all of those feelings of confusion, fear, worry, and heartbreak all over again. All for money which we have no idea what he needed for.

“Blood Is Thicker Than Water”

I used to love my father for the moments that he had brought to my life. For the times that he taught me football (even though the methods aren’t the best), how he introduced me to playing pool, which I’m good at now, and for just being around in his own, unorthodox way.

These skills and moments, however, do not even come close to justifying what he has done to my mom, my family, and me.

Not only has he broken our heart so many times, he had, through exposing me to the world of bargirls and flirting in my formative years, given me a warped belief system. I’ve had to relearn what it is like to love and to learn how to differentiate the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in relationships—not just romantic ones. I've hurt many people because of that and I beat myself over it.

For a long time, I struggled with coming to terms with having him as my father, and I cannot deny the many times I blamed him and wondered what I did to deserve a father like him.

I believe there are many things that contributed to how he turned out. Maybe it was his upbringing, or something that messed him up when he was young, but something should have contributed to him being this way. But for the most part, this man did not treat me like his son and I cannot possibly blindly accept that blood is thicker than water like I have been brought up to believe.

Learning to accept that has given me peace that I did not have for a long time. Lacking a ‘proper’ fatherly figure definitely affected my life but I’m thankful to have moved on mentally.

The whole concept of a traditionally-complete family is lost to me, but I’m happy to say that my family is as complete as it needs to be now. I have my mom and my siblings who love every bit of me, and whom I love as dearly. That is all I need from a family.

Also read: We Live Under One Roof, But We Don’t Feel Like Family At All.

(Header Image Credit: Ian Tormo on Unsplash)

I’ve got a friend who had to hide her relationship with her boyfriend just because they were colleagues. They worked on the same accounts and because of the toxic office environment, had to be wary of revealing their status. “There was a culture that you should always be pulling your weight and there’s always a fear that our relationship would be used against us. Like ‘oh they're not OTing because they're probably going out and leaving all the work to others’.” Keeping the relationship under wraps was also to safeguard themselves against colleagues they could not trust: “We don’t want people to say things like ‘she/he's slow because she/he's distracted by their partner." Which begs the question: is it a good idea to date someone you meet at work, or to even work with your romantic partner?

Mixing Business And Personal

There’s a saying that you should never work with friends, otherwise, you have to be prepared for the possible death of that friendship. Working with family or a loved one? Even tougher - how do you even deal with them back at home after fighting at work? In our Singaporean culture especially, where we are too non-confrontational and would feel too paiseh to offend anyone, that ‘anyone’ being someone we love makes it that much more problematic. And no one wants to be stuck in that awkward dilemma between being nice and having to do their job right. Similarly, there’s a long-standing belief that you should never ‘shit where you eat’. Some would rather leave a company than start a romantic relationship with their colleague. Yet today, all these beliefs seem to be more of a myth, as we see more Singaporeans choosing to work with friends, continuing their family businesses, and also being co-bosses to their businesses with their romantic partner. We spoke to some couples who chose to hustle together to find out how the heck they survive as partners-in-crime in all aspects of their life.

Daniel and Natasha - From Boss And Employee To Lovers

He was her boss, and they found themselves falling for each other as they spent many late nights working on projects together. Their boss-employee dynamics meant they had to keep their dating status under wraps before they found a right way to break the news responsibly to upper management. Natasha: “It was quite weird at first, but thrilling! For example, because we had to be low-key at the start, we would leave at different times and rendezvous somewhere so it wasn’t obvious.” Meanwhile, they spent that period setting ground rules to ensure that they wouldn’t let their relationship get in the way of work. However, Natasha admits that there were fights that got so bad, they ended up not talking to one another the whole day. Those instances tempted her to quit. “In the end, we just sat down with one another and talked about it and laugh at ourselves because of how silly the situation was.” Now that both of them have moved on to another company, where their job scope also require them to work closely with each other, Natasha talks about how working together has contributed to their growth individually and as a couple. “During the first 1.5 years, it tested us both. From working on pitches to having a normal brainstorm session, there were times where we let our personal lives come into such work situations. But we realised that it wasn’t healthy so we sat down to thrash things out. From thereon, it became easier to separate work and personal lives.” Although Natasha admits that both of them would occasionally blurt out “baby” by accident during work hours. Dedicating quality time with each other out of work has been something that they have practiced as well. To Natasha, having that one-on-one time with each other lets them check in on each other without the ‘noise’ at work. “We try to keep to our rule of not talking about work during our dates because we don’t want to let it define our relationship. It really helps because you realise that there’s so much more happening in your partner’s life even when you’re working in the same office.”

Wei Zhang & Pauline - A Marriage Of Work And Play

Running a business is a big deal, and for husband and wife Wei Zhang and Pauline, they are in it together. Each high-achievers who had their own ventures before their partnership in business, Wei Zhang and Pauline have co-owned four businesses since they were 20-years-old. On top of running Lendor, their latest business venture as a couple, both of them are also lecturers at education institutions. With so much on their plate, stress and conflicts are inevitable. I wondered how they have managed to stay sane and happily married. Wei Zhang: “It’s true that a conflict that happens at work becomes personal after you get home but I think every couple has conflicts over different issues. At the end of the day, it is more important to know how to resolve conflicts. To also build trust and respect in order to sing in tune and minimise conflicts from arising, be it in business or at home.” Contrary to what we are used to believe, the husband-wife dynamic has actually made it much easier for them on embarking on projects together. “We know each other’s strength and weaknesses, and we respect every opinion put on the table. Therefore [working together] was never a big problem for us considering the scale of problems we are attempting to tackle [in our businesses.]” I asked Wei Zhang if there is any ‘secret sauce’ to making it work as a couple who hustles together. “I think husband and wife dynamics should be brought to all business partnerships because for business partnerships to tick, there needs to be the same kind of mutual trust and respect between partners.”

Nerissa and Abel - No Sweat In Working Together

Abel has always been active and Nerissa has always wanted to open her own business, thus Box Office Fitness was born. The two of them found a mutual love for the boxing-inspired fitness classes they attended overseas and decided to bring that concept to Singapore. Being romantic partners and business partners only strengthened their relationship. The only downside? As they shared with Vulcan Post, it’s that “we spend a lot of time talking about the business so we rarely talk about anything else, but that’s fine and will probably change with time.”

As it is both their very first business venture, I asked Nerissa if they had any major conflicts. “We very rarely fight over the business since we handle very different aspects of it. The biggest fights we’ve had have always involved cleaning. Like whose turn it is to clean the toilet or whose turn it is to vacuum!” The couple handles the different aspects of the business based on their individual strengths: Nerissa handles most of the day-to-day operations while Abel focuses on the training aspects of the studio like the programming of classes. As for segregating work and 'play', “we don’t separate work matters and personal emotions and that’s what works for us!”

Blurring Lines Between Business And Personal

Working with someone you are close to can be tricky as there is an emotional baggage, making it tough to clearly distinguish work conflict apart from personal feuds. Furthermore when you’re dealing with someone you love. It’s also bold to start and run a business in Singapore’s ultra-competitive landscape. And it’s heartening to see that millennials are breaking the trite stereotype of millennials being underachieving strawberries. What more, going against the grain together with their other half. There may be a belief that business and personal can never go well together, but these couples, and the couples we spoke to on camera a year ago for the video Can Couples Work Together?, prove otherwise. https://www.facebook.com/millennialsofsingapore/videos/844305589064193/ Juggling work and personal is no longer a miracle as long as each individual is determined to make things work with the other. Most of all, it is the trust and respect that they have got each other’s back. Also read: Paktor Do What? 9 Singaporean Couples Share What They Do On Dates.

As a teenager, I wasn’t a very good student. I neglected my studies, my teachers, and my parents. I failed at being a good daughter as well. Instead of heeding their advice on focusing on my studies, I disrespected them instead. Despite their warnings, I hung out at clubs and bars with friends they disapproved of and spent most of their money on clubbing, drinking, and shopping. In school, the kids labelled me a slut. Was I a slut? Maybe. I mean, I’ve slept with guys whose names I don’t even remember anymore. And I’ve slept with guys just because I wanted sex and they were available. Back then, I thought it was fun.

THEN I GOT PREGNANT

I should have known that being careless would one day put me in a sticky situation: getting accidentally pregnant at 16. When the gynaecologist congratulated me for being 4 months pregnant, it took me a minute to fully digest what she’d said. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. How could I have let this happen? What are people going to say? I was not even capable enough to take care of myself, how could I bring up another human being? The first thing I did after I left the clinic was call the father of the child. When I told him about the baby, all he said was,

“Are you sure it’s mine?”

I didn’t expect much from him as he never signed up to be a parent. But neither had I. After all, I was only 16. After knowing that I had to deal with my pregnancy on my own, I panicked. I realised I had two options - I could either give birth to the child and somehow find a way to bring him or her up alone or I could get an abortion. When I thought about the life growing inside me, I knew there was no way I would be able to give him a life that he deserves - one with stability and a happy family, where he would be wanted and loved. But the thought of getting an abortion was heartbreaking as well. Taking a life isn’t something that I could turn back from. Once done, it was done. I’d have to live with that decision for the rest of my life. I kept asking myself: Was I prepared for that? Could I live with myself after that? The week that followed was torturous. I had decided that getting an abortion was the best option for me at the time. It took me a lot of strength to make the call to book an appointment for the abortion. At that point, I had only told two people about my pregnancy - my father and my best friend. I wasn’t expecting the reaction I got from my father. I wanted him to scold me, scream at me, tell me how wrong I was for not listening to him. But he didn’t do any of those things. He didn’t say anything and just quietly paid for the abortion. I knew that I had disappointed him. And I knew I didn’t deserve his help.

THE GUILT OF AN ABORTION

Despite telling myself repeatedly that this is the best decision for me, I couldn’t help but feel like a murderer. Knowing that I was about to take a life was the worst feeling in the world.   I kept thinking of every possible thing I should have done that could’ve prevented this day from ever coming. “I should have used protection.” “I shouldn’t have slept with that guy.”  “I should’ve stayed at home that night.” But it was too late now. On the day of the abortion, every second I laid in that bed waiting for the nurse was agonising. The last thing I remember before the anesthesia kicked in was looking down and whispering to my belly,

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have a choice.”

I woke up relieved that the procedure was over, but at the same time, I felt a wave of bottomless sadness. I still felt guilty. That night, a child appeared in my dreams. In the dream, I saw the back of the child seated on a chair. I remember feeling terrified as I stared at the child’s head, unable to move. I woke up in tears that night. I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up crying every morning as the nightmare became a recurrent thing. The fear and crying in the middle of the night became a vicious cycle and was one of the most dreadful periods of my life. Thankfully, the nightmares stopped a month later.

NOT AGAIN

Less than a year after the nightmares stopped, I found myself looking at the pregnancy kit and muttering to myself, “not again.” I was no longer 'sleeping around' with guys I barely knew and had just got into a new relationship with my then-boyfriend, Timothy*. My heart sank as I internally reprimanded myself for being so careless again. I was angry at myself. Had I learnt nothing from the first time? When I told Timothy about it, we both decided that we weren’t ready to be parents and we couldn’t give our child a good life, so we opted for an abortion. To my surprise, there were no nightmares this time. But I was filled with self-doubt: Did I not feel guilty anymore? Shouldn’t I have felt guilty?

I had made so many mistakes in the past, and now I felt nothing about killing a child.

Does that make me a horrible person?

A MOTHER AT LAST

At 19, I was pregnant for the third time. I felt incredibly lucky this time round because despite going through two abortions, it felt that ‘destiny’ had somehow given me another chance to be a mother. Maybe it was the fear of karma, but I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself had I gone through another abortion. So this time, I decided to keep it. Timothy was supportive of my decision to keep our child too. But as we entered my last trimester, the fights started, and it got worse. He would threaten to kill me and our child and at his worst, he would physically hit me. On hindsight, I should have ended the relationship then, but as the mother of our child, I was holding on to the hope that things would get better after the baby is born. I was wrong. The physical and verbal abuse didn’t stop even after I gave birth. Timothy didn’t stop hitting me and he continued to threaten to kill me and our son, Jeremy*. I held on for two months before realising that this abuse wasn’t going to stop. So I ended it. I broke up with Timothy, took Jeremy, and left for home. I had to do right by my son. I couldn’t let him be around Jeremy any longer. I was afraid of Jeremy getting hurt because of him, and I would never be able to forgive myself if that happened. Even though it hurts that things didn’t work out with Timothy, and being a single, young mother is hard, I never regretted giving birth to Jeremy.

A LEARNING JOURNEY

Looking back, I am not proud of my history. What I thought was ‘fun’ back then, I now realise was just part of my childishness. I wish I had been less playful and more careful in my teenage years. Today, I am a 22-year-old single mother of a 3-year-old. And I’m happy to say that my life has changed for the better. I have a boyfriend who loves me despite everything, and a family that has learnt to forgive me for my past mistakes and accepted me despite everything. I never saw myself becoming a single mother at 19. In fact, I never really saw myself as a mother at all because of my lack of maternal instincts. But I guess that’s what made becoming a mother all the more special for me. Unlike in the past, I don’t just do things because I feel like doing them. Now I do what’s best for me and my son. I’m also a lot more grateful now, especially to my parents. I’ve heard of parents disowning their daughters for getting pregnant young and keeping the baby, but I’m so thankful that my parents stuck by me and supported every decision that I made. Without them, I would have been completely alone. My past has made me who I am today. Had I given birth when I first got pregnant at 16, I probably wouldn’t be half the mother I am today. And had I not made the mistakes I have made, I could still be that naive girl who’s too playful for her own good. While I still have a lot to learn, everything I’ve been through has made me a better mother and a better person, and I’m proud of myself for that. *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals. Also read: Why I Chose To Be Friends With My Cheating Ex

Do you remember the first time you masturbated? Did you feel guilty for the way it made you feel? If you did, you're not alone. Masturbation is a part of human nature. Despite having studies prove that masturbating is good for relieving stress and boosting our mood, it's still one of those things that many do, but few talk about. The first time we masturbate is an euphoric experience, where we experience a wave of immense pleasure we never knew possible. But it also leaves us confused and embarrassed. And that makes for interesting stories to tell.

1. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

I only masturbated when I was 18 because I always thought it was a “dirty” deed from the way my friends used to tease each other about it. But one night, I was lying on my bed and hugging my bolster while watching a movie clip that turned me on. That’s when I impulsively began rubbing my legs against my penis (with my clothes on). I remember it feeling damn good. I kept rubbing until... yeah, it came out. Did I accidentally masturbate? Maybe. - Riduan, 21

2. BOYFRIEND WANTED TO WATCH

The first time I masturbated wasn't by choice. I was 18 and I only did it because my boyfriend wanted to watch me touch myself. It felt like my body wasn’t even mine. I haven’t done it since we broke up. - Jas, 21

3. LATE-NIGHT GAMING

I was a 15-year-old who was really into this massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG). One night I decided to strip one of the female characters naked (well, almost naked because I couldn’t remove their underwear). I don’t know what made me think that I should rub myself, but I did. But after the wave of pleasure passed, I quickly put my clothes back on because I felt dirty. - Wei Jie, 25

4. OUT OF BOREDOM

I was 18 or 19 and wanted to try it out for myself, having heard how great it feels. I went online and googled tips on masturbating. During school break, I was home alone and decided to try it out. It was horrible and uncomfortable. I didn't use porn or anything. I thought you didn't have to be horny to masturbate, I thought it was just something you could do when you were bored. - Aisyah, 25

5. THE ABSENCE OF A GIRLFRIEND

I was 15 when I first started masturbating. It was after I stopped dating this girl who was quite experienced and gave me handjobs on different occasions. I wanted to replicate what she did to feel the same pleasure again. But I was constantly worried what would happen if people knew I masturbated. I guess I felt guilty about it in a way, especially when I fantasised of other female bodies when I was attached. - Sean, 25

6. SINNERS GO TO HELL

I was 13 years old and my friends were talking about some website in class, so we went to one dude's house to check it out after school. We realised it was porn, and us being guys, we just kept on scrolling. Then one of my friends asked us if we had jerked off before. Most of us didn’t know what that meant, so he explained it to us. That night I went home to the same website and tried jerking off. I felt a mix of emotions after, but being Christian, I remember thinking I’d committed a sin and I’m going to hell. - Jason, 26

7. AT THE AGE OF 4

I was 4 years old, and I didn't know what it was or what I was doing, I just knew that if I pressed my genitals onto something, it will feel good. There was once when my mum caught me in the act and interrogated me, asking me who I learnt that from. That made me think that I did something wrong, because why else would I get chided for it? - Sophia, 19

8. WERKING THE POLE

I started watching porn when I was 12 years old. I realised I liked watching girls on a pole. That made me want to try posing with a pole too. So one day, I hopped on one of the vertical pillars of my bed with my legs crossed on them and my vagina touching the pillar. I felt immense pleasure as I rubbed myself against the pillar and my panties started getting wet. But then I realised my fingers were better at doing the job. - Shirin, 25

9. I THOUGHT I WAS ABNORMAL

When I first masturbated at the age of 17, it was because I was curious, and wanted to know what feeling 'sexually satisfied' felt like. I'd only heard of guys doing it and that made me think that I was 'abnormal' because I, a female, also had sexual urges. And even though I enjoyed it, I also felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something 'wrong'. My parents never talked to me about it, so I automatically assumed that it was something clandestine. - Cheryl, 27

10. A STOOL AND A TOILET ROLL

I was 11 and simply curious and interested. So I tried to f**k the hole in the stool. Didn’t work. Tried to use a toilet roll, didn’t really work too. Tried my hand, finally worked. But after that it felt weird and I thought that I needed to pee. Oh, and I also felt dirty. - Daniel, 24

WHY THE GUILT?

A lot of these stories have one thing in common - the feeling of guilt. Many of these stories end with the individual feeling dirty or ashamed. For some of us, our religion tells us that it's a sin. For others, the fear of our parents finding out fills us with shame. Perhaps it's because of the fact that it happens in private, we feel that it's something that should be hidden. And because no one talks about it, there's no one to tell us if it's right or wrong. Maybe it's too hopeful to think that we can start talking about masturbation openly, but we could begin with asking ourselves why we feel guilty, and if that guilt even makes sense to us. If there's nothing about masturbation that rubs us the wrong way, isn't it better if we could find a way to work through the guilt and enjoy this 'pastime'? Also read: Is There A Need For Better Sex Education That's More Than STDs And Abstinence?

Who would have thought you’d need to be taught how to put on a condom in school? For most Singaporeans, the first time we would ever learn about the birds and the bees are in the sex education talk we get in primary and secondary school. Even so, our young minds were too amused by any mentions of 'penis' or 'vagina' to pay attention. Ask any millennial what they remembered from this talk and they will likely tell you that it was 'some random stranger preaching about abstinence and warning you about the dangers of unsafe sex'. With not much absorbed from these supposedly very important lessons, it's a wonder that Singaporean millennials know so much about sex. Having no distinct memory of ever sitting for a sex education talk myself, I spoke to some of my fellow millennials to see how much they actually remember. They, fortunately were able to enlighten me about the most awkward 60 minutes of secondary school. And after hearing what they had to say, I’m glad I’ve been able to suppress this from my memory. Though some of what they said did get me wondering, “how did I ever forget this??”

“‘Don’t have sex or you’ll get pregnant and die!’ - something that I took away when they taught us about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in secondary 3” – Aisha, 25

Complementing the messages of preventing STDs were lessons on using condoms for safe sex. Naturally, watching a grown adult roll a condom down a banana stood out for many.

“When learning how to wear a condom properly with the use of a banana as example, they told us, ‘always remember to the pinch the top!’” – Natasha, 27

It’s great that we have a sex education program in place at all. In countries like China, sex education is almost completely non-existent and experts say that this has contributed to the<a href=" rise of HIV and abortion cases amongst the Chinese youth. While I'm grateful that such statistics isn't that much of a worry in Singapore, many of us still find our sex education program to be pretty sh*t. 

SINGAPORE’S ABSTINENCE-ONLY APPROACH

The Ministry of Education (MOE) values abstinence as the best approach in the prevention of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. But this is unrealistic. Teens are having sex, and it’s silly for anyone to think otherwise. That makes it all the more crucial that teens are provided with necessary information to help them in make informed choices. Instilling fear of STDs and AIDS in them isn’t going to work. 

“I remember that a lot of the focus was not really on the process, but on the DANGERS of unsafe sex. Telling teenagers ‘DO NOT HAVE SEX, YOU WILL GET HERPES’ just makes them scared to seek help if they need it.” – Melissa, 28

The more you tell a teenager not to do something, the more s/he will do it. Rather than trying to prevent the impossible i.e. teenagers having sex, and living with the idealistic mindset that teens will abstain till marriage, schools should address the obvious straight-on. It’s time sex education lessons started giving students answers to questions that they shouldn’t be looking for on Google.

Let's be honest. We learnt a lot more about sex and protection through the videos and stories we see and read online than through our sex ed. But that isn't necessarily the best way to go when the resources available online may not always be 'healthy'.

“It was a lot of out-dated scaremongering and it didn't maturely teach teenagers how to practice safe sex at a point in their lives where they would be naturally sexually curious, if not already active.” – Nikki, 25

It is a problem and we need to rethink the way we teach sex education because it is invaluable knowledge that will impact the rest of our lives. Abstinence and encouraging safe sex are good messages, but there are many bigger concerns that teens will come to have when they become sexually active. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT CONTRACEPTION

Aside from teaching teens how to put a condom on a banana, our sex education barely touches on birth control and contraception.

“The school was so obsessed with talking about the dangers of sex that they didn't give us practical advice, like informing us about the various forms of birth control and where to get them.” – Sophia, 23

As a teenage girl myself once, I knew close to nothing about contraceptives. I had only heard about condoms and learnt about the existence of birth control pills through movies and television. When I reached a stage in my life when I had to use it, I jumped to Google to gather all the information I now know about contraception. I wish my school would have given me a “Contraceptives 101” crash course (or even a sex education talk worth remembering). Let’s take the image below for example. It shows us the various methods of contraception. Even looking at it now, I can’t say that I am entirely sure how some of these contraceptives work. Can I Google it? Sure. But I shouldn’t have to.

In Northern and Western Europe, students learn about contraception as part of their sex education program and where, no surprise, the rate of unintended pregnancies is low. But not only does learning about contraception prevent unintended pregnancies, it arms teens with the knowledge that will help them be less vulnerable and more prepared in the face of unforeseen circumstances. For instance, if a teen who hasn’t been taught about emergency contraception ever finds themselves in a vulnerable position after unprotected sex, they’re more likely to feel confused and scared than someone who has learnt about them.

REAL-WORLD SITUATIONS

As parents to a teenage daughter, my parents became extra paranoid about the people I hung out with once I hit puberty. And by people, I mean boys. The compelling need to protect daughters from danger has been ingrained into people’s minds for centuries. There’s a chronic fear when it comes to raising daughters that no one openly talks about, but we all know it’s there. Conversations like these are often kept hush-hush. But how can we hope to eliminate a fear without talking about it? There have been many cases over the past couple of months that have opened up a can of worms over the concept of consent before or during sex. “If a girl doesn’t say no, does it mean yes?” “But they’re in a relationship, still need to ask permission meh?” “The girl knew what she was getting into the moment she started making out with him.” Be it the Eden Ang controversy, or the<a href=" RP graduate who got flamed online for her blog post describing an incident that occurred between her and her then-boyfriend, these “discussions” have warranted that we re-evaluate the way we think and talk about sex. Talking about abstinence doesn’t help when you find yourself in a situation beyond your control. And knowing about the consequences of unsafe sex (STDs) wouldn’t matter when it’s too late to prevent it. Concerns that sex education should also touch on include dealing with undesirable situations. For example, teaching girls and boys about consent.  The United Kingdom has recently reformed its sex education program to include lessons on consent as well. Being able to ask and clarify before making an advance, saying no to unwanted advances and understanding the verbal and visual cues of consent are all important in creating a safer space for teens not just in schools, but outside school grounds as well. Talking about the issue with their peers and discussing and clarifying their concerns with educators can help teens understand what a healthy relationship looks like.

“Boys should know to ask for consent and to cope with their sexual urgencies and girls should be empowered to say 'no' if they don't want to have sex.” – Victoria, 26

Sex needs to be openly discussed. By keeping this conversation confined behind closed classroom doors and separating girls and boys during this talk, we’re only reinforcing the message that sex is “bad” and “wrong”. If we teach sex education the way we teach students Math, for example, we’ll be creating a safe space where students wouldn’t need to shy away from seeking help if ever they find themselves in a predicament. And if teens today find themselves feeling confused or conflicted like we once did, all they'd need to do, is ask. While the act of sex may be done behind closed doors, the conversation shouldn’t have to be. Also read: Let's Talk About Sex: 15 S'poreans On Whether Sexual Compatibility Is Important In A Relationship

Slightly over a month ago, I watched as he walked down the aisle with his bride. 12 years ago, it was me whose hands he held. But when I saw him holding up his bride’s gown train and guiding her up the stage, it was joy I felt and not jealousy. I was, in fact, proud of him for finally moving on to the next stage in life: getting married. It was a strange feeling, because he was my first love. What makes it even more bizarre is that he had cheated on me twice. Yet, he is now someone I consider a BFF (Best Friend Forever).

“What! Why/How are you still friends with him?”

Is something that I get all the time whenever anyone learns about this unlikely friendship of mine, and understandably so. Most of us are sceptical of being friends with exes or anyone we had a romantic endeavour with, let alone exes who have done us wrong. And cheating is right up there on the list of wrongs together with murder, for the stab to our heart is like a murder of our soul. I exaggerate, but anyone who has had their heart broken would know that awful feeling too well. Even if the relationship hadn’t ended on such a bad note, it is hard to go from lovers to friends without the awkwardness of having to deal with the remnants of any unresolved feelings of love (or hate) from either party. Chemistry can be a wonky bitch and the flame could be reignited at any moment. Who’s to say either party wouldn’t fall prey to that? Afterall, when one has shared such an intimate part of one’s self with someone else, it can be hard to maintain a relationship with that person with no romantic attachments. Any feelings of love, lust, hope, or anticipation would tip the scales of a platonic friendship. Furthermore, remaining as friends with an ex is only going to make things complicated. Regardless of how mutual a breakup is, there will always be wounds from a failed relationship. Contrarily, it’s easy to use the guise of friendship to mask the hope one has on patching up. Just like how a cut will never heal if one were to keep poking at the wound, remaining in constant contact with someone we’ve fallen out with or even stalking their social media accounts is just going to make it harder to fully move on. It is the same even with a close friend or family member. At some point, we’ve all had that someone whom we’ve fallen out with, a tie that we’ve lost due to a multitude of reasons and wished things hadn’t panned out so badly. It could have been a silly spat or a major miscommunication, but it’s a common belief that once one has gone down that road, there is no return. But there is, because I’ve been through it.

The Painful But Worthy Transition From Lovers To Friends

Calling him as an ‘ex’ doesn’t even quite cut it. It is as vague as sketching out the outline to an elaborate painting. He was the one who taught me the meaning of romance. He wooed the diehard romantic in me. As cliche as it sounds, he was to me what Prince Charming was to Cinderella - someone I had never expected to fall for, but swept me away and gave me the fairytale I always dreamt of as a young and innocent teenage girl. I knew what it meant to have butterflies in my stomach because of him, to smile like a fool whenever I reread every corny text he sent, to lie to my parents so I can go out on dates, and I was so ready to spend the rest of my life with him - naive, I know. Then again, some say the first love is always the most beautiful, and it was for me. Yet, he was also the one who taught me the meaning of heartbreak in the worst possible way. When he confessed to kissing another girl a year into our relationship, I was perplexed and hurt, but still too smitten to see the red flags. Then, when I found out that he had been seeing another girl a little later, I was shattered. It was the first time I truly understood what it means to feel like ‘my spirit has left the body’. I remember having to study for O levels in tears from the regular breakdowns recalling how he couldn’t make the decision between me and the other girl. “I need more time. Wait for me, I’ll settle this. I promise,” he left me hanging with a glimmer of hope as I struggled to stay sane while juggling the stress of such major exam papers. Eventually, he chose her. It was hard to come to terms with the end. I knew it was going to hurt, but the other part of heartbreak that no one told me about was the embarrassment that came with having to ‘disappoint’ his brother and cousin, both of whom I had grown close to, and the regret that I will never be able to fulfill that role that they had accorded me for: family. Breaking up was only the start because ironically, he would go on to seek my help to woo the girl he had broken up with me for. And I did what he asked of me because if I couldn’t make him happy, I hoped that he could at least find happiness with someone else who can. He would go on to chase that same girl for the next 10 years, only to give up after reaching the limit he had set for himself before settling down with someone else. As much as the guilt he felt for having been a bastard to me, I’ve always felt guilty towards him - that girl never accepted him for she couldn’t get over the fact that she was a third party back then. Looking back, though I had loved him deeply, I feel like I was the third party instead, that I was that barrier that prevented him from being with his One. I was the one who caused him unrequited love for 10 years. And it pained me whenever I saw him drift in and out of relationships, because we both knew about his love for that one girl. Through it all, he taught me the meaning of truly loving someone. Granted, it could have stemmed from my romantic love for him back then and it did take a long time before I can say,  without a doubt, that ours is a friendship void of any romantic feelings. A year of self-deceit and one last ‘hook up that shouldn’t have happened’ with him which culminated in more than an hour-long cry in a school toilet before I honestly had closure.

People ask me why I bothered to be so noble as to enduring my heartbreak back then and even blaming myself for his unrequited love. I’d say it’s a mix of my stupid innocence and the value I saw in that relationship, even if it was reduced from romantic to platonic. After having co-owned a part of your life with someone, that person becomes almost like an extension of you. They will always know a part of you that no one else does, just like you know of them. Finding someone else with the same dynamics and whom you know inside out like an ex does is extremely difficult, and almost impossible once work becomes your life. Of course, that isn’t to say that I am friends with all my exes or that all of my relationships, platonic or romantic, are perfect. There are friends I’ve fought with and exes whom I vowed to never see again for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean that every relationship, especially romantic ones, have to end badly. It doesn’t matter if the whole world dictates that you cannot be in contact with an ex or an ex-friend because ultimately, you are the one who will face the consequences of your actions. For me, keeping this particular friendship is only possible because of the mutual understanding between my BFF and me. A big contributor is the respect we we both give our own partners to be completely honest and transparent with our histories, and the acceptance and understanding they give in return. Having accepted that our romantic chapters are closed, I see this friendship as an invaluable one that I will never be able to find anywhere else. The maturity and openness we have towards each other is one that is only possible because of all the shit that we’ve weathered through as a couple and then as BFFs. He is the one person whom I would never feel shy or grossed out sharing or hearing explicit details about sexual experiences with and from, and the one person I know I can turn to even if I needed help to cover up a murder (which, I proclaim, is very unlikely to happen). And if I had to do it all over again, heartbreak and all, I would. Also read: I Bared It All For You, But It Was Barely Love. (Header Image Credit: Sarandy Westfall)

As conservative as our society is, millennials are no longer the generation that practices abstinence until marriage. In fact, those who still do abstain are the odd ones out who get teased. Whether it’s statistics from an Institute of Policy Studies that '1 in every 2 Singapore residents do not feel that pre-marital sex is bad' or just the general reactions during sex talks among our social circles - it’s no longer a surprise when you find out that your couple friends are having sex, in fact it’s almost expected. We hear a lot about sex from Western culture, but what about Singaporeans? Curious to find out how fellow locals feel about sex, I spoke to 15 Singaporean millennials. How important is sex in a relationship and is sexual compatibility a deal breaker? Here’s what I found.

How Important Is Sex In A Relationship?

As expected, 11 of 15 Singaporeans (73%) surveyed find sex to be quite important to very important. Not surprising at all, considering all the messages I have grown up being exposed to from Hollywood TV shows and rom-com films to celebrity gossip news. The main reasons behind those who see sex as a significant part of a relationship are that sex is an unspoken way to express love, affection, and intimacy that’s more than just friendship. Then, there’s some that consider it important as it’s part of their love language. One of them shared, sex is “a cornerstone of every relationship. It's the biggest way of showing each other affection and love, apart from the day-to-day small gestures.”

Sex is also a way for some of them to keep the flame alive and for one married millennial, “without sex, it feels like something is missing in the relationship. Sex makes me feel a whole other level of intimacy and closeness with my partner.” For the four from the other camp, one has chosen to abstain from sex due to religious beliefs while the rest reasoned that there are other factors that define a relationship, like personality or being able to appreciate quality time with each other.

What About Sexual Compatibility, Is It A Deal Breaker?

Even though more than 70% voted that sex is important in a relationship, only 6 of 15 (40%) felt that sexual compatibility is a deal breaker - a result I am surprised at, which I will share why further down. The two main reasons behind sexual compatibility being a deal breaker for these millennials are the conflict of values and the difficulty in compromising on sexual preferences. Essentially, if one has certain beliefs or values on sex, especially on abstaining due to religion, the other will have to ‘reciprocate’. It will be a big problem if a couple’s personal beliefs and values don’t align. Also, it’s very hard to compromise on something like sexual desire, “you don’t want to have sex with someone who goes left when you go right, or if someone expects sex everyday but the other don’t want to.” As for the majority (60%) that voted sexual compatibility as not a deal breaker, they reasoned that it boils down to communication and being mature enough to come to a common understanding. For them, a couple can make the choice on sexual compatibility being an issue or not, “as long as both parties are open to trying, experimenting, or coming to an agreement to compromise for each other. Otherwise, it could lead to repressed sexual emotions or even cheating.” Just like personality quirks, two also said that it is about respecting your partner’s sexual desires and needs - “when you know they are doing something they don't really like in bed just for you, it makes you treasure the other person more."

I Disagree With The Results

Contrary to the results of the survey, I personally don’t find sex to be particularly important in a relationship. I do see how such intimacy can help with keeping things exciting, but I value many other parts that constitutes a relationship, like warm hugs, deep conversations, or just the plain, old commitment to stick with each other through thick or thin. Or perhaps, you can say that I have a way lower sex drive than others. After all, sex is really a personal preference, as with how some people have sexual kinks while others don’t. I am, however, very surprised at how only 40% (6/15) of those surveyed consider sexual compatibility a deal breaker because I have always thought that a person’s sexual preferences is an innate drive that is very hard to compromise or even change. For one, differing sexual expectations can put unhealthy amounts of stress on the relationship. I once dated a guy who wanted sex a lot, while I was unsure if I was ready to lose my virginity. As a result of pressure, the guilt I felt from not making him happy as a girlfriend, and the intention of shutting his constant ‘just try only la’ up once and for all, I succumbed.

My giving in, however, gave him the chance to ask for us to do it more. But as anyone would know, the more you ask for something from someone who doesn’t want it, the more the person won’t want to do it. He’d even put on porn for us to watch just so it may get me aroused. The situation got so bad that it became a natural tendency for me to shut off the moment he started kissing me - I even felt grossed out.   As one wise guy I surveyed shared, “everything leading to sex and sex itself put you in a position where you are not only physically but mentally vulnerable to your other half. The whole act as a couple shows the amount of trust you have with them not to hurt you, but an act of affirmation that this is between you two.” Thus, having the same level of understanding on sex and intimacy is something I feel extremely important. I’m not a strong believer in my faith but I know people who choose to follow the values that they were taught in their religion. Whether it’s the belief that sex is something sacred only reserved for the one they marry or that it’s just considered sinful to engage in pre-marital sex, such beliefs can create a lot of problems for a couple. Take for example a free-thinker friend of mine, Nathan*, who once dated a Mormon girl. Among many other strict rules in the religion, Mormons are not allowed to engage in intimate touching and kissing outside of a heterosexual marriage, let alone pre-marital sex. They naturally broke many of those ‘rules’ and while she couldn’t deny enjoying what they did, she’d feel guilty about it. As for Nathan, he’d always have to wonder where to draw the line, always treading on thin line and hoping that they won't get into any kind of trouble. That’s not a healthy way to date. Then, there’s media and peer influence. A couple needs to be fully clear and accepting of each other sexual preferences (or how often to have sex). Otherwise, it is very easy to be swayed by society or be pressured into being ‘normal’ like the rest.

Sex Is Just One Part Of A Relationship

Regardless, a relationship is a lot more than just sex. For some, sex is something that they absolutely cannot do without while others see it as a non-essential relationship activity. To say that sex should be important in all relationships or sexual compatibility should be a deal breaker is akin to trying to force someone into a religion. Also, if you’re limiting yourself to finding the one person you have the best sexual chemistry with, you could end up an old spinster trying to find the perfect one. Ultimately, if a couple really commit to love and treasure each other, they would want to make things work together, even if it means compromising on their own sexual preferences to make sure their partner is happy. So, how important is sex to you and is it a deal breaker? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below! Also read: Is Marrying Young Only For The Rash and Reckless?

The first thing my parents said when they found out about my boyfriend was, “why a Chinese?” Tim* and I have been together for four years, of which three-and-a-half years were spent hiding our relationship from my parents. For that long and agonising three-and-a-half years, my parents had no clue that I was even dating. Or perhaps they had suspected and just didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that their Indian daughter was dating a Chinese boy. Whenever my boyfriend and I hung out, we would avoid going to places where my parents could be at. I would lie to my mom almost everyday. She'd ask, "where are you going?" and I would say, "to meet a friend." Lie. "Which friend? What's their name?". Another lie. Not only was it exhausting to lie, I hated myself for doing so. I felt guilty for keeping such a big secret from the people I should be the closest to. Many times, I considered telling them the truth. My friends kept encouraging me to come clean with them too. It's not like I didn't have a choice that I had to resort to lying, but I was just too afraid. My parents have never been super strict, but they are what you would call "typical Indian parents", which if you've heard anything about, you would know they can be pretty scary when enforcing their beliefs. So it was lies upon lies, upon lies. We were cautious, careful, as we should be as an under-the-radar couple. Until one day, Tim sent me home only for us to bump into my dad at the void deck.

F**K.

My dad wasn’t supposed to come home at that time, but there he was, and he saw Tim. What followed was an awkward conversation in the lift with my dad. "Who is that boy?" "He's just a friend." He obviously didn’t buy that. I mean, which guy friend would send a girl home without any particular reason right? When we reached home, his exact words to my mom were, “you should ask your daughter to bring her boyfriend home next time.” I sighed as I shut myself in my room, ignoring whatever conversation my parents were going to have. Well, shit. That was it. There was no point trying to hide it anymore. A million thoughts ran through my mind. On one hand, I was relieved, but there were so many worries that came after: Were my parents going to disown me? Were they going to tell every living relative about how I've brought shame to their family name? Were they going to force me to break up with Tim?

THE TRUTH IS OUT

No one spoke about the incident until the following night's dinner, and it was a conversation I hoped never came. My parents asked about 'the boy that dropped me home'. They wanted to know how old he was, what he does, what his parents do - the usual stuff. But they also asked me the one dreaded question, "why a Chinese?" How was I supposed to answer that?

I didn’t look at his race when I fell in love, I fell in love with the person he is.

I tried to convince them that it didn’t matter that he was Chinese. But they were adamant on the same thing – “He’s not a Hindu”. They refused to see him for who he is as a person. They only saw him as not Hindu. I was frustrated and hurt. They hadn't even met him and they were already dismissing him and our relationship. They wouldn't even give him a chance just because of his race. It was illogical, but at the same time, expected. My family has always been conservative. My parents never outrightly forbade me from dating a Chinese but it was heavily implied that bringing home a boy of a different race was frowned upon. On the other hand, Tim's parents knew about our relationship and have accepted me as part of the family a long time ago. I had found a second family in them, joining them for significant family gatherings like Chinese New Year dinner and birthday parties. I love my parents, but even I have to admit they can be pretty racist. Over the years, my mother would make comments on how Indians are better than other races, how we are more "elite". I'm not entirely sure where this racism stems from. Having known Hindus who converted out of their faith, she might have feared that her children will do that too. Perhaps that's why she would always tell my brother and I, “no matter what, don’t tarnish my religion.”

THE ULTIMATUM

Which is why when I tried to persuade them to meet him before blatantly disapproving our relationship, they gave me an ultimatum instead:

“I’m giving you two years to think about it. We’ll talk about this then.”

They wanted me to to think about a relationship that they didn't see a future in. Me being me, I told her to think about it too. It might have felt like a 'power move' when she dished that out but the two-year ultimatum seems like a joke now. To me, it felt like an excuse for my parents to not deal with it. Because I had thought about it, about everything that could possibly cause a conflict between us, and race and religion were the last things on that list. Because of this ultimatum, my life and relationship with Tim have come to a standstill for the next two years. While my friends are applying for a BTO, getting engaged, or making wedding plans, all I’ll be able to do is look at my Facebook feed and sigh over the predicament my parents had put me in.

LOVE VS FAMILY

I'm afraid of where I will be in two years. I don't want to be in a position where I'll have to eventually choose between my boyfriend and my parents.

"How am I to choose between my partner and my parents?"

How is anyone to choose between the person you want to spend your future with and the people who brought you into this world and to the person you are today? I owe my parents everything and I can't possibly build a future without them in it. Neither can I picture a future without my current partner. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but let's face it, many of us do things just for our parents. It could be something like going to a school our parents preferred or having children because our parents want us to. We do these things out of filial piety, even though it may not be what we really want. Sometimes I wonder, "why can't my parents just be happy in the fact that I'm happy?" In a world where it's difficult to find someone you are committed to love and whom is committed to love you back, it's a wonder I had found it at all. It's been 6 months since they gave me the ultimatum, which means I have another 1.5 years to hope for my parents to have a change of heart. For them to realise that when it comes down to it, race or religion does not and should not define us or our relationship. And I really pray that I will not have to choose between a 6 year relationship with a partner I see my future with and family. *Name has been changed to protect the identity of the individuals. Also read: It’s 2018 – Why Are We Still Paying Wedding Dowries?.

When you’re in a long-term relationship, it can feel like there’s nowhere to go in Singapore for dates anymore. You’ve done movies, dinner, picnics, touristy places like USS and the Zoo, and you’ve walked the Orchard to Dhoby Ghaut stretch so many times you can tell when a new shop pops up. Going out for dates even feels like a chore sometimes. We spoke to 8 Singaporean millennial couples to see how they deal with (the burden of) planning dates. Hopefully, their dating habits inspire you in keeping it fresh for your relationship!

1. Jacky & Li Ru, Together for 2 months

How often do you guys go on dates? Once a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? We go on food hunts and movie dates. We signed up for GuavaPass so we’ll go on weekly exercise dates too. We also had a fun gaming outing where we played PS4 recently. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We’ll just meet, eat, and walk around where we eat at. Sometimes, you don’t have to have a "destination" in mind, it's the company. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? The company. - Jacky

2. Zafirah & Farhan, Together for 6 months

How often do you guys go on dates? We meet each other about 2 to 3 times a week, depending on our schedules. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? We usually just eat. We like to explore new makan places that we saw on Facebook or if there's any good food deals. Besides eating, we like to walk around or find a spot to sit and talk. Or watch movies, go bowling, and most recently, sing karaoke! What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We’ll just park the car somewhere and talk while listening to music. I actually enjoy spending time like this. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Honestly it's not about where you go or what you do, but the person you're with. if you're with good company, you're guaranteed a good time. It’s also important for us to be 100% present on dates instead of fiddling with our phones. - Zafirah

3. Justinn & Danessa, Together for 8 months

How often do you guys go on dates? Almost everyday. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? We go thrift shopping and movies or eat. Otherwise we just stay home and chill. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? Stay at home or spend time with each other’s family, or find our friends to hangout together. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Just being with each other. - Justinn

4. Alanna & Kar Liang, Together for 2.5 years

How often do you guys go on dates? If you mean how often we meet up or go out, one or two times a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? When we meet on weekends we will plan our day around a place we want to eat at, or something we want to see or need to buy. If there are any good movies, we'll watch it. When we don't feel like doing much, we just go out for a relaxing cup of coffee. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We’ll list out as many ideas as we can and then narrow them down until we decide on something. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Taking turns to do things that your partner wants to do, and being comfortable to just do nothing together sometimes! - Alanna

5. Daniel & Natasha, Together for 2.5 years

How often do you guys go on dates? Not as often as when we first started dating, but we do make an effort to go out once in awhile. Maybe once or twice a month. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? I like to plan surprise dates for her occasionally, just because I know she loves that. It’ll usually be a nice restaurant because we eat cheap normally, so it’s like a treat. On a more regular basis, we’ll either catch a movie or check out an exhibition at the gallery or museum. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? I’m quite a “cheapo” so sometimes when we have no idea what to do, I’ll check discount apps or find 1-for-1 deals to help pick out a restaurant. There are other apps or websites too that help recommend date ideas. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? I think the most important is that we both enjoy doing things that both of us can appreciate together. Of course, we enjoy each other’s company as well! - Daniel

6. Melissa & Andy, Together for 2.5 years

How often do you guys go on dates? We date occasionally since both of us are really busy, but weekend hangouts are a must. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? Dates are always food-fuelled. Besides that, it’s movies and window shopping. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We do stay-home dates since it's all about spending time together. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Definitely the company. It can be a trip to some kopitiam but the experience will still be great for the both of us. - Melissa

7. Marie & Leslie, Together for 2.5 years

How often do you guys go on dates? At least once a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? We usually watch movies or bring my nephew out to places like the goat farm, frog farm or neighbourhood playgrounds. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We usually meet our friends to play board games, PS4, or workout together. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? FOOD!! - Marie

8. Anmol & Wayne, Together for 4 years

How often do you guys go on dates? Twice a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? It'll just be dinner on a weekday. On a weekend, we’ll usually catch a movie or window shop in town. We'll go for events or carnivals if there are but we won't spend, we just like to see stuff. We’ll also catch the free performances at Esplanade outdoor theatre sometimes. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We usually wait until the last minute and someone will end up suggesting something after Googling. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? Spending quality time and catching up on things that happened in the week. It's a bonus if we get to do something or go somewhere new. - Anmol

9. Victoria & Beng Kiong, Together for 6.5 years

How often do you guys go on dates? About once or twice a week. Where do you guys go or what do y’all do on dates? When we first started dating, we would go on 'running' dates at MacRitchie because we knew each other from Track & Field. These days, just having dinner at a nice restaurant is good enough for us. What do you do when you don’t know what to do/where to go for dates? We keep suggesting things until we can agree on something. Otherwise, we usually head to the nearest park for a walk like what your grandfather and grandmother would do on Sunday mornings. What’s the most important thing when it comes to dates? I think we're lucky to share many common interests despite our contrasting personalities. It does get boring after doing the same thing for so many years so trying new things is important. For example, I was introduced to bouldering by a friend and I thought it was fun, so I roped him in to try it with me. - Victoria

It’s Not The Place, It’s The Person

Instead of lamenting how there’s nothing to do in our tiny island, make it fun for yourself and your partner in your own ways! As these 3 other couples shared in our earlier video, there’s always new things and events that are happening around Singapore. https://www.facebook.com/millennialsofsingapore/videos/902216563273095/ And on days where you really have no idea what to do, just Google. There are a ton of suggestions online, like this listicle on 100 Best Things to do in Singapore. Step out of your comfort zone and try new stuff! Who knows, you might stumble upon a new favourite hangout or even a new hobby that both of you can enjoy together. Also read, 12 Things Singapore Couples Do That Singles Buay Tahan.