Last Friday, an NUS student, Monica Baey took to Instagram (IG) to seek justice for her case: she was inappropriately filmed by a fellow student while showering in the school hall last November.
Her string of IG Stories has since gone viral, picking up attention from several media outlets.
There has also been some progress in Monica’s case. However, having followed her story and seen the way the events have unfolded have raised some very uncomfortable truths about the kind of society we live in today.
You can find the full story from Monica’s IG profile highlights here.
From the way the police told her to “just accept the outcome,” and, “if you want real consequences or more action to be taken, go to NUS and push for action,” to the correspondence between Monica and NUS, the way the relevant parties handled this seemed apathetic at best.
And this is a sad reflection of the society we live in today. A society that only gives attention to an issue when it is blown up enough.
Had Monica accepted the results and quietly made peace with just being that unlucky one who had to experience such an incident, this case will easily and quickly be swept under the rug and forgotten. Just like the many other peeping tom incidents that have happened.
Just last year, a 26-year-old male student was given the same 12 months conditional warning when he was caught committing the identical act that the perpetrator in Monica’s case committed. This student was later sentenced to nine months' jail and three strokes of the cane for molest and outrage of modesty, which he committed during the conditional warning.
Another man was jailed in 2017 after he committed sexual misconduct-related crimes while “under a conditional 12-month stern warning for attempting to take an upskirt video on a woman”.
Yet, NUS has, within two days of Monica’s story going viral on social and mainstream media, announced its intention to convene a committee “to review its current disciplinary and support framework”, making it a prime example of why people rely so heavily on social media to incite for real impact.
It is also very sad that we have come down to this. Why do we need the court of public opinion to know what should inherently be right or wrong in our morals?
We like to think of ourselves and our society as encompassing all the morally right values: fair, righteous, honourable, and et cetera.
However, Monica’s case is a perfect example of how we’re a long way from that—how Singapore is a long way from that, especially when it comes to sexual assault and harrassment.
Often, we are told to go to the official channels whenever we want to seek redress for an incident. But if the official channels fail us, where else do we go to?
While there were results that came out of the case, it did nothing good for society. I agree with second chances, but the conditional warning is but a joke if one were to consider the fact that the perpetrator had previously snuck into another toilet. Furthermore, there have already been convicted cases of sexual misconduct as shared above, similar to Monica’s.
If it is also true that many students have been a victim of such predatory behaviour in the campus residences before, I question the good in settling such cases with restrained or even hush-hush procedures.
We’re talking about second chances for someone who has committed an inappropriate act with the intent of doing so, albeit under alcohol influence—this cannot be an excuse.
Regardless of gender or location, there is no excuse for entering a shower facility with the intention to film someone else.
We’re talking about the questionable lack of a zero-tolerance policy against sexual misconduct and predatory behaviour.
For NUS particularly, sending an apology letter that Nicholas was obligated to write under the school’s direction to Monica is nothing but patronising. Anyone who read it could tell the lack of sincerity in the words, and a standard PR template-like apology does nothing to assure a victim.
The one-semester suspension and ban against entering campus residences do nothing for long-term deterrence and assurance if NUS does not display any empathy and concern for the case beyond closing it.
Monica has also shared in a Ricemedia article that NUS had told her that “she’d sent them her statement ‘a bit late’, and that they’d already arrived at a punishment” when she went back to NUS to push for action. In the same article, Monica also shared that NUS had claimed to take her statement into account, but said the outcome “would have been the same”.
This, to me, is a clear indication of the school’s consideration of her case, or rather, the lack thereof. While the victim was crying out for help from the people whom she believed would serve the justice she deserves, the people whom we trust to keep us protected only reacted with the minimal concern—your statement will be taken into consideration, that’s all.
But this should not be about closing the case and moving on. This should be about our tolerance for sexual misconduct across the board.
It should not matter whether the perpetrator is a student or a working adult. It should not matter if he succeeded in capturing the victim on his phone.
Closing this case as it is will only allow for such inappropriate misconduct to continue on, as it signifies to the community that such behaviours aren’t that severe (as it should be). In time, this will only lead to other victims having to go through exactly what Monica has had to.
If Monica’s and all those previous, similar cases are not enough, how many cases must it take for us to make substantial change?
It’s heartening to know that social justice is at least a lot more prevalent in Singapore compared to other places—a 19-year-old girl in Bangladesh was burnt to death after she spoke out against sexual assault, and <a href=" in India struggle with extreme cases of sexual harassment and assault on a daily basis.
However, we have our own problems.
Not only does our society seem to be nonchalant about issues until it starts getting viral, Monica’s case also reminded me of how desensitised we have become to such issues.
Perhaps it is our progessively liberal mindsets, or just the increase in the number of sexual assault-related stories that we have been exposed to, perpetuated by the #metoo movement. This has inadvertently created a victim-blaming culture among us. At the very least, because of the way we’ve seen Singaporeans react to such stories with scepticism and judgment, most victims would rather stay mum, forget the incident, and move on.
But I wonder if we are fighting the wrong wars here.
Should we not be looking into ways to empower victims in speaking up, and in protection and recovery efforts instead?
In a statement issued to NUS by almost 500 students following Monica’s case, four sets of recommendations were proposed. The recommendations included an “Office of Sexual Harassment Prevention, Reporting, and Response with a 24/7 emergency hotline service for survivors,” and also campaigns to raise awareness on sexual harassment in the university.
These are great examples of initiatives that would allow students to have a greater understanding of what constitutes sexual misconduct.
More importantly, we should consider how important it is for all of us to adopt a zero-tolerance mentality towards any kind of sexual misconduct, especially in a society that prides itself for safety and equality for all genders. It is about cultivating a community that can accept and openly discuss matters so sensitive (sexual assault and harassment), and it is only possible with time and dedication from every part of the institution.
I trust that NUS and the police both have a fair amount of challenges and stakeholders to be accountable to.
However, they need to understand that this is beyond being an impartial third party. They need to know people’s trust in them to serve and protect us in ways we cannot do so without their support.
It is not about enabling women to seek attention or affirmation through social media. Neither is it about clamping down on such behaviours with the harshest punishments.
It is about their apparent lack of empathy, compassion, and concern over what is clearly immoral, predatory behaviour that causes trauma victims.
Also read: S’porean Women Share Stories Of Being Sexually Harassed, Revealing It’s More Common Than We Realize.
(All images used in header image taken from Monica Baey's IG)
69-year-old Mr Zhen once attempted to take his own life. “Since there’s nothing [left] to do, I may as well die.”
In my attempt to learn about the lives of elderly in Singapore, I had spoken to five other seniors in their 60s to 80s. The one thing that struck me was how there is an unspoken, but very perceptible sense of aimlessness.
In an article by The Epoch Times last year, a 2008 research article was brought up, where all 19 interviewees “reported feeling lonely or depressed, and many said they live by the day and endeavour not to think of the future.”
Where one has pretty much fulfilled the most of our life goals, like getting a job, saving up, starting our own family, or seeing our grandchildren, it can be hard to fathom that there is nothing else to look forward to.
And Mr Zhen is just one elderly person who has struggled with his thoughts of mortality as he age. There has been studies on how there are more old people who struggle with loneliness and how socially isolated seniors have a higher risk of dying prematurely.
When I visited <a href=" Home for the Aged Sick last Saturday, I got to speak to 72-year-old Winnie Koh, who has been running the nursing home as Chief Executive Officer (CEO) for more than 15 years.
She shared that one of her residents has suicidal tendencies, and had once tied bedsheets and put it around his neck in a suicide attempt. Likewise, that resident did not see a point in living, “when [to him,] he’s already 90, nearing 100 years old, and does not have the ability to do many things himself.”
This resident has also went through certain rough patches as well, as a very close female friend of his had passed away.
“I can feel the loneliness in him. He doesn’t speak to [a lot of] people.”
I asked Winnie if residents fear death.
After a short pause, Winnie explains that the elderly do not fear death per se. For the most, those who fear death fear going to hell.
However, Winnie acknowledged that there are those who struggle to let go, in the sense where they could have unresolved wishes: people they want to meet, messages they want to tell their loved ones, or something they want to complete.
32-year-old Alvin, added that having worked in the eldercare sector for about six years, he has often hear elderly regretting not treating their family members better or not better providing for them, “they definitely fear for the people and the relationships they are leaving behind.”
This is where, at a nursing home, they play up their role of caring for the residents. Winnie explains, “it’s the comfort [they need], to affirm them that they are ok, and that [whatever they want accomplished will be taken care of.] I will arrange for family members to visit. Usually they do go off peacefully after that.”
Along with the physical or cognitive impairments, the elderly face a whole set of very personal and emotional hurdles as well.
Before working in the eldercare sector, Alvin, like many of us, never understood the stubbornness and ego that many elderly have. But now that he has got a glimpse into the lives of different groups of elderly through his six years, he explains that most elderly fear losing their independence, and when an elderly go from “a provider, a giver, a successful person on their own rights losing the respect, mobility and cognitive ability they have [when they age], the frustration they are going through can be very overwhelming.”
As sad as it sounds, these seniors turn to stubbornness and ego as a way of holding on to that last bit of control that they still have.
Although, there are also “difficult ones,” those who who choose to isolate themselves, and who refuse to interact with people. In such cases, Winnie explains that in the nursing home, they still try to show the elderly their presence and care in one way or another.
Drawing similarities between elderly and babies, Winnie said, “once you make them feel safe and comfortable, they are easily cared for.”
At Moral Home, the residents may suffer from different illnesses and each, their own sets of disabilities, but Winnie tells me that most of them are generally happy.
Having reached the point where they know that they are old and are ready to die, most of them would live every day to their fullest in the little ways they can, like eating, reading, or praying.
“Once, I have this resident who [had severe dementia and] is, on the whole, a very happy person. One day, she was just resting in the lounge after her coffee, then she just said to me in Cantonese ‘I am going to sleep, bye bye.’ She never woke up after that.”
“I think it’s better that way,” Winnie said, on passing on peacefully.
When I visited the home I also got to speak to this two sisters who had sold their house to live at the nursing home.
For 82-year-old Tan Nya Nya and her 83-year-old sister, their choice to live in a nursing home is for convenience, and to ensure that they get the physical support they need at their age. This came after Nya Nya fell down once and both her sister and her realise that they were unable to manage on their own if anything were to happen. Being able to socialise with the other residents of the home are perks that they enjoy too.
Nya Nya added, on seeing residents who don’t share the same happy-go-lucky attitude she has on life, “if you naughty, throw tantrum, [your family] also won’t [feel happy to visit you]. Correct? No point [being so gloomy]. Don’t think so much. Must be happy.”
Like Nya Nya, 82-year-old Uncle Lee also have an optimistic outlook on life, despite the fact that he lives alone in a one-room flat in Toa Payoh
His daily routine includes waking up in the wee hours of dawn for a walk around the small park right beside his home, going for his meals, and watching TV. Sometimes, he would hop on a bus that would take him to Jurong, Pasir Ris, and even Changi.
As he regaled me with his accounts of these ‘mini adventures’ he goes on when he is bored, he emphasised that at his age, there is nothing much to do except eat and watch TV, “what else can I do at this age?”
When I visited him with three volunteers on a Sunday night, he had cooked a pot of Bak Kut Teh for us. And as we sat in his living room savouring the soup, I felt a little like I was in my grandmothers’ old house again.
Although he lives alone, his house is filled with knickknacks. Chinese New Year decorations still adorn his walls and the side of his fridge. I couldn’t help but noticed that he also has four clocks on one wall.
“He really likes clocks. There’s more in his bedroom,” one of the volunteers laughed when I asked.
These volunteers first knew Uncle Lee through a programme initiated by Youth Corps Singapore, but have since grown closer to Uncle Lee and for the past two years, have been visiting him every month.
Once a driver who made a livelihood off driving for commercial and private businesses, Uncle Lee retired more than 20 years ago, when he sprained his hip. This work injury, however, has become a permanent problem at 82 years old.
“I cannot really walk long distances, unless I take breaks.”
Curious about my own mortality when I reach his age and avoiding being so rude as to ask Uncle Lee - whom I just met - about how he feels about death, I asked if there is anything he fears now that he is this old.
“No lah! Scared of what? Don’t need to be scared of anything [at this age].” He jested, “Last time, scared of my mother, but mother not around already, so there’s nothing to be scared of [anymore].”
Ever since his elder sister passed away, Uncle Lee’s only other family members are his nephew and nieces, whom still visits him occasionally.
Most days however, his humble lifestyle revolves around watching TV and eating, which he loves doing.
“Uncle is a food king!” One of the volunteers teased, “whenever we go out, he will tell us what’s good and where to find good food.”
Unable to comprehend living alone at his age, I asked Uncle Lee if he ever feels lonely.
“Won’t lonely lah! [If I’m] lonely, then I’ll just watch TV, or put on a DVD, or go out and eat lunch. Lonely for what?”
His positive reply showed very much his outlook of life and in a way, it was also a reminder that happiness is a choice. He could very well dwell on what some would assume as unfortunate - he is old, never married, and living alone and off financial support from the government - but he had chosen to lead a simple and happy life instead.
A study done in 2004 found that seniors living alone were twice as likely as their peers to develop depressive symptoms. In the last stage of their lives, it can be very easy for seniors to feel frustrated and aimless.
Which is why, it is important not just for seniors to be able to adopt a positive mindset, but also for the people around them to empower them to do so.
Besides, our elderly citizens may be old and frail, but they have so much to offer in other ways.
Yong Shin, one of ‘Uncle Lee kids’ said, “They always say ‘seniors are a wealth of knowledge’, and I think [Uncle Lee] really displays that. You can tell that he really likes to share with you, about history or just whatever knowledge he has. He really likes interactions.”
And of all the conversations I have had with the seniors, the one thing that all of them have said, albeit not ad verbatim, is “we’re old already, what else can we do?”
To them, it is just better to lead a happy life and enjoy the simple things when you are already at that stage of life.
Also read: People Leave, But You Don’t Have To Be The One Left Behind.
Her home had become a place of solace for her, a fortress she can’t bear to leave.Likewise, this is the case for the many hikikomori in Singapore, who have taken to forums to pour the feelings that they have hidden away from their friends and family.
“Maybe we were too sheltered. Maybe we were too spoiled and everything comes to us easy and without any barriers. Back then, I felt that no matter how useless I was, I would still be able to live comfortably, or still be able to live somehow.”An avid fan of Disney’s classics, Josh had a grandiose dream of being a 2D Animator for Disney. When news broke that Disney closed down their 2D animation company, his hopes and dreams were dashed. Dejected, he let himself waste away, passing the days by gaming and watching anime at home.
In fact, most, if not all, hikikomori hate the plight that they put themselves in, and they are ashamed of it.“When I was hikikomori, I lost all desire for wants. Normal things like going to movies or buying expensive new things don’t interest me anymore. I don’t know why I exist, to be honest. Sometimes I can feel my parents’ disappointment in me and I don’t feel good too,” shares Andrea. They have confined themselves to their homes, but most hikikomori actually want to return to society. However, the fear and anxiety of how society may react to them. Even if they manage to take the first step out of their homes, they are plagued by this constant fear that they are being judged by those around them, afraid that the world wouldn’t come to accept them because of their past. Maika Elan, a Photographer exploring the topic of hikikomori, shared on National Geographic that “Over time, hikikomori lose whatever self-esteem and confidence they had, and the prospect of leaving home becomes ever more terrifying. Locking themselves in their room makes them feel ‘safe’.” Similarly, Andrea admitted that the very paranoia of being judged for being a hikikomori is the toughest obstacle she had to overcome. She would often slip back into isolation because of it. Thanks to volunteer work at a church, Andrea was able to break out of the hikikomori syndrome. She eventually managed to land herself a job through one of the other volunteers. As for Josh, he stumbled upon the animes Re:Zero and Konosuba, which shifted his perspective on life. Both shows feature male protagonists who were hikikomori and Josh was able to relate to them strongly. “In Re:Zero, it tells us that no matter where you are, nothing’s going to change if you don’t put in any effort to take charge and improve yourself.” Witnessing his friends’ success also pushed him to eventually change his lifestyle.
“What gives them the drive to keep doing what they do? Why are they set on improving themselves and going out there to find jobs and socialise, and to be proactive with their lives?”These were the questions that Josh posed to himself, and subsequently embarked on a quest to uncover. “Sometimes it’s hard, but you just have to remember that there are other people out there who are struggling and still trying their best as well.” Today, he works as a Digital Designer, which is not too far off from his initial dream. Although, there are others who struggle to break out. “It all started after he finished his degree overseas and came back. He didn’t find work and just stayed at home gaming and surfing the net. We’d ask him to come out for coffee or meals but he’d always turn us down.” Tim*, a male in his 30s, shares with me about his friend who has been a hikikomori for over 10 years. “I’ve a feeling that the shame of being long unemployed while everyone else is working just drives him to become a hikikomori. I guess his parents still buy him food or give him spending money so he doesn’t need to force himself to get a job.”
“There’s only so much that others can help you with. Only you can change yourself. Even if it’s for your parents or yourself, I hope you will find it in you to want to get better.”“We all are living for a reason. We need to reflect on that more often, to put our lives into perspective. Once things are in perspective, it will all make sense in the end.” “After all, life exists and thrives beyond these four walls, but it’s up to us whether or not we want to open the door to live.” *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals. Also read: It’s The 21st Century, Why Do We Still Treat Maids Like Slaves? (Header Image Credit: Unsplash)
Image Credit: Travis Wong
“Do I really need to give them an off day?”I cannot vocalise how sad it is when I visit the homes of friends or family and see that the resting spot for their domestic worker is literally that one mattress hidden away at the back of the kitchen, or in a cramped storeroom. From how frequent I’ve seen such arrangements, it seems that this is considered normal. Often, employers find that they do not have a choice as there is no other space in the house for the worker. However, would you put someone up in the storeroom, surrounded by household items, if that someone is a friend or family member? I’d like to think as domestic workers as a part of the family, since they are going to be spending their life with the family, though to some employers, domestic workers are still merely workers. I spoke to a freegan in Singapore, Colin, who runs a project that blesses Filipina domestic workers with dumpster dived items that they or their family back at home can benefit from. He spoke of some alarming things he has heard from these Filipina about their employers. There are employers who would steal their domestic worker’s items. Then, there are employers who would rather cut up clothes they no longer want than pass it on to their domestic worker. I’m making a wild guess that these employers think of domestic workers as unworthy - that these workers cannot possess too many material goods. Whether it’s pride, ego, or some masochistic need to assert their authority, I do not know. A lot of us are also uncomfortable with the idea of our domestic workers having their own social life here. Similar to how we don’t like to think of our own family member and their sexual relationships, it is hard to think about our helper getting involved that way. It’s also a worry that their romantic relationships get in the way of them performing on their job. Though, the most alarming of it all is when employers practice superiority in their everyday actions. My mother was once approached by our neighbour’s domestic worker in the lift, who asked my mother if we had any leftover food we could give her. Upon probing, my mother learnt that the domestic worker was only allowed to eat the family’s leftovers (if there are even any). They even bought a separate loaf of bread just for her, as they did not want her to be eating the same food the family eats. It was a shocking discovery. Not just because it is a family that has been living right beside us all this while, but because we couldn’t tell at all. We couldn’t tell that beneath the facade of a friendly family with two toddlers and a grandmother, they would do such a thing as to locking their domestic worker at home alone when they go on holiday. Colin had also told me about having met this Filipina who was so happy to receive a plain plastic cup that is of no value to most people. This domestic worker was scolded for using a cup to drink water on the first day she was at her employer’s home - the employer told her that these cups are theirs, and that she is not allowed to use their cups.
“I didn’t even dare to do it initially! I watch a lot of videos until I’m very sure and got the PHD already then I went to try.”Colin later found that his food, merchandise, and monthly expenses dropped to less than $100 after he started dumpster diving. The beginning of the Filiporean Project came on his fourth day, when he took home a bag of good quality female clothes, which was later passed on to a Filipina.
“A freegan is someone who rejects consumerism and seeks to reduce waste, especially by retrieving and reusing discarded items.”As defined in the Facebook group and reiterated by both Colin and Daniel, freegans do see the need to spend money on things that they can get for free. In the middle of my interview with Daniel at McDonald’s, he got up suddenly, “wait ah, wait ah,” only to return with a used straw, which he proceeded to wipe with paper napkins before using it to stir his cup of tea. He explained how this is one of the many things that encompasses the freegan philosophy. “You’re signalling to the company that they need to put more straws, but that’s not good for the environment. But if you take one that somebody has already used, you’re not creating any more demand.” While Daniel’s rationale made sense, I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of contamination. Who knows what people do with straws, or their utensils, or food after they are done with it. I shuddered at that thought, but also felt guilty for my nonchalance in using plastics. On the flipside, Daniel had only ever gotten food poisoning from food that was bought. “Because I know it’s rescued food, I’m a lot more stringent and careful.” As a general practice, freegans like Daniel practice the Look-Smell-Taste test method to determine whether a certain food product is safe to eat. Obviously, meat with maggots crawling around is out of the question, and for Daniel, so are dented, rusty, or bloated cans of food. Expired food however, are one of the common foods that freegans rescue for consumption. As Colin best puts it, “Most [locals] think that food spoils one second after midnight of the best before date. But we freegans believe that food is not equipped with a self destructive device that can activate itself at the stroke of midnight of the expiry date. Daniel had even had 12-years-expired chicken essence. Even though the initial thought of consuming something that has expired for 12 years did make his stomach churn, Daniel explains that it is most a psychological reaction that can be overcome by testing it out. As leaders in the dumpster diving and freegan community, Colin and Daniel are what Colin refers to as ‘Rambo dumpster divers’ who map out their attack route, and dig and grab every good thing they see.
https://www.facebook.com/millennialsofsingapore/videos/604032170054484/
A fellow millennial in her first full-time job as a teacher, Bianca usually dumpster dives with her boyfriend. Although their dumpster diving ‘trips’ are never planned, Bianca has found herself rescuing bags of clothes and assortments of housewares for her family, boyfriend, friends, and herself. “It’s usually when we are walking to my block from the bus stop for example, and we’ll just check the bins along the way.” Bianca also often does barter trades and gives away rescued items on the various dumpster diving and freegan groups online. Unlike Colin and Daniel who started for practical reasons, Bianca’s interest in dumpster diving germinated from a concern for the environment. “The whole thing started when I watched some PETA videos in Secondary school. I started realising that whatever we consume, be it shampoo, soap, or anything we use on a daily basis, have an impact on the environment.” Knowing that her spending money on certain companies indirectly supports them in their cruel practices, Bianca began to switch to companies which are ethically or environmentally conscious in their business practices. It was when she went on a ‘clothes fast’ in 2016 to curb her shopping addiction when she realised that she didn’t need a lot of material goods in her life. “I didn’t buy any clothes for one year. Dumpster diving came along shortly after the clothes fast. I realised that if I can do with fewer clothes, I can do with fewer things. At the same time, I thought, maybe I don’t need to buy stuff, I can just look out for free stuff.”
GIF from GIPHY
The fact that it is such a foreign concept also made me think of the worst that can happen, and I sure as hell didn’t want to end up bankrupt from uninformed investment choices at such a young age.
GIF from GIPHY
However, like what DollarsAndSense.sg wrote in an article about investing with just $100 a month in Singapore, “Setting aside a large sum of money and acquiring extensive knowledge before you actually start investing is not only unnecessary and impractical, it may not even be the ideal situation.”
As for 26-year-old Billy who paid to learn from investment courses, his challenges were figuring out what stocks to buy and which platform to use when he first got started at 22. And it was a nerve-wrecking process of trial and error before he got the hang of things.
Even for Daniel and Billy today, they still find themselves lacking time to monitor their investments.
That’s where technology like the new robo-investing service comes in.
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