In our strict justice system, humanity exists. And somewhere in Singapore, a gay couple is going to have one of their best Christmases, complete with a family of their own.

Here’s What Went Down

On Monday, a landmark high court case has allowed a gay Singaporean man, who’s a pathologist, to legally adopt his own surrogate son. He had wanted to adopt a child together with his long-time gay partner, but was told by the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) that this was unlikely because of their sexuality. The pathologist then went to United States (US) and paid US$200,000 for in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) procedures. He successfully fathered a son in 2013 through surrogacy arrangements. He brought his son back and applied to adopt his son but was rejected by a district court last year. Judges maintained that the pathologist was attempting to (in other words) ‘find a loophole to legally adopt his child despite the existing laws that are preventing it’. The pathologist appealed his case. The case was brought to the High Court (Family Division), which, on Monday, approved his appeal to legally adopt his biological son as a single parent.

Why The Adoption Was Allowed Even Though It Violates Public Policies

Singapore has always been known for having a no-nonsense attitude towards law enforcement. So, the fact that the court ruled (in a way) against certain public policies is a pretty big thing. In particular, the judges had to weigh the concerns of Singapore’s public policies of parenthood within marriage, and against the formation of a family with same-sex parents. Ultimately, the judges ruled in favour of the adoption as they found the welfare of the child paramount, and that the adoption will contribute to enhancing the child’s sense of security and emotional well-being, and care arrangements. Although, the three-judge court stressed that the decision was made based on the facts of the case and in accordance to the law, not on any emotional grounds: "Our decision was reached through an application of the law as we understood it to be, and not on the basis of our sympathies for the position of either party," Chief Justice Sundaresh Menon wrote on behalf of the court.

The court also said that the judgment “should not be taken as an endorsement of what the appellant and his partner set out to do”. In other words, the decision to allow the adoption for this case should not be interpreted as the court (or judges) endorsing or approving the formation of a family with same-sex parents. Neither is it a statement about being pro-surrogacy. Nonetheless, it is worth noting that despite all that has been said out loud, the court has also approved the adoption knowing that the child will (inevitably) be adopted into a family with same-sex parents. Which begs the point: what is Singapore’s view on same-sex parents household now, and how is MSF going to deal with this and its relevant policies moving forward? The ripple of social implications is significant, and it is already beginning, with MSF responding to concerns on whether the recent High Court ruling on the case sets a precedence for the formation of same-sex families in Singapore. MSF has also affirmed that they will consider if relevant policies need to be reviewed. As Singaporeans are going to start probing for answers on issues of IVF, surrogacy, and LGBT rights following this case, our civil servants in the ministries will, perhaps, need to OT more and our ministers need to start assembling their committees to think of how to tackle all these rising concerns. Even keeping things as status quo wouldn’t be easy as the relevant ministries will still have to justify their position on these issues that has been indirectly dug up by the high court through this case. Regardless, it is heartening to see our high court doing their job as a judiciary and being able to objectively prioritise welfare above ‘the rules’. Afterall, that’s the point of a court system: so that the judges can interpret and apply our laws on a case-by-case basis. Anyone can blindly follow the rules in the book, and honestly, it would have been no surprise, albeit sad, if this case was ‘brushed away’ again just because ‘public policies say no’. For rising above that and being able to prioritise the welfare of the people in our strict and world-class court, I’m thankful and glad. Thank you Chief Justice and the two other judges for restoring my faith in our courts.

Also read, Don’t Just Blame The Government For Our Struggling Art Scene. (Header Image Credit: Aditya Romansa on Unsplash)

I remember a time when we used to refer to the LGBTQ+ community as simply, the gay community. Later, we began using the term 'LGBT' at large, and then LGBTQ, or even LGBTQIA. Today, this list has grown tremendously and is now more inclusive than ever. To some, it’s liberating. To others, it’s just plain confusing. Even when I asked a pool of friends consisting of both straight and non-straight people, no one could name every gender and sexual identity in the LGBTQ+ community. I wasn't surprised. There were so many after all. So, how many labels exactly are there and what do they all mean? I Googled to find out exactly how long the ‘+’ in the acronym LGBTQ+ ran. The most popular acronym I came across is LGBTTQQIAAP. So. Many. Letters. Confused? I was too. To help you out, I dug a little bit more to find out what each alphabet stands for and what it means to identify yourself as one of them. Let’s start with the basics. L is for Lesbian A lesbian, as we all know by now, is a female who is attracted to another female. G is for Gay The word 'gay' has been used to refer to the community in general over the years. But more accurately, a gay is a male who is attracted to other males. B is for Bisexual A bisexual is someone who’s attracted to both men and women. T is for Transgender Not to be confused with transsexual, a transgender is someone who identifies as the opposite gender. One thing to note: Unlike the three labels above, the term transgender is used to describe someone's gender identity, not to be confused with their sexual orientation/identity. Many tend to confuse the two and use them interchangeably. Your sexual orientation describes who you're romantically attracted to (who you wake up with), while your gender identity is how you identify yourself (who you wake up as) - male, female, a combination of male and female or none. For example, if someone identifies as transgender, that’s their gender identity, but when someone identifies as gay, that’s his sexual identity. T is for Transsexual A transsexual, unlike a transgender, is someone who has physically altered themselves to match the gender they identify as. Q is for Queer Through the years, ‘queer’ has been considered to be offensive and a derogatory term to some people in the community. In the 1950s, the word was used as a slur in reference to the LGBTQ+ community. Today, it is largely used and also the most inclusive word on this list. The acronym LGBTQ is still the most commonly used acronym when talking about the community as it argues that queer is an all-inclusive term for the lesser-known labels that follow after 'LGBT'. Q is for Questioning Questioning refers to a person who is still confused about their sexual or gender identity. I is for Intersex If someone identifies as an intersex, they are someone who is born with both male and female biological characteristics. An intersex person could have been born with chromosomes different from XX (male) and XY (female). S/he could, for example, have been born with the chromosome of XXY. An intersex could also be someone who’s born with genitals that are totally male or female, but their internal organs don’t match (such as having a vagina but no uterus). A is for Asexual Asexual refers to someone who has no sexual feelings or desires for anyone. A is for Ally An ally is a person who identifies as heterosexual but supports and fights for the LGBTQ+ community. P is for Pansexual Often confused with bisexual, a pansexual is someone who can be attracted to someone regardless of their gender or sexual identity. Unlike a bisexual, they can also be attracted to a transgender, transsexual, intersex, and more.

THE IMPORTANCE OF LABELS

Following the age-old debates surrounding LGBT messages, there are two types of people with regards to having so many labels. There are those who believe these labels are important in the fight for LGBTQ+ rights, and there are others who feel that the 'never-ending' list of labels is just becoming plain ridiculous. In the new wave of terminology, we're also hearing words like polyamorous, demisexual, genderqueer, two-spirit and a whole lot more. If you're wondering if it'll ever end, I'd say probably not. I wanted to go beyond learning the definition of these terms, which for all you know, I could've gotten from Wiktionary. To get a better understanding on the importance of these labels, I spoke to some people from the LGBTQ+ community and asked how they felt about having so many labels. Of the five queer people I spoke to, four believed that labels are crucial to the community and society as a whole. According to Lorraine*, who identifies as pansexual, the various labels help those who are trying to figure themselves out in the early stage of finding their sexuality. She admits that the labels can be quite confusing, but having them allow individuals to find themselves. And if these individuals wish to label themselves, they can. Sean, a gay man and the founder of Dear Straight People, says that labels are not only important to give the community a means of identity and belonging, but in helping the general public make sense of the LGBTQ+ community. But he also adds that he doesn't want people to see him just for his sexual identity.

NECESSARY OR JUST GETTING TOO MUCH?

While these labels fight for inclusivity, they have also become a subject for mockery in society. These labels can seem like a bit ‘too much’, not just for straight people, but for some queer people as well. They believe these labels make it difficult to normalise LGBTQ+. Tim*, a gay Singaporean, feels that in a society that already judges them for being who they are, these labels give people an opportunity to criticise them further. His experience with trying to explain the terminologies to his friends often results in looks of confusion, which made his straight friends less interested and more reluctant to learn about it. It didn't help that he would hear people passing comments like "wah you all damn extra." I also spoke to a few straight people to hear what they thought of these labels - do the labels help them understand queers better? Andy*, a straight male, feels that labels are difficult to understand for someone not in the LGBTQ+ community. Not only because there are so many labels, but also because he prefers to be acquainted with someone for who they are and not because of a label that he may not understand completely. Even if he does understand, it's hard to remember so many labels. As a straight female myself, I disagree. For me, these labels make it simpler to understand a person. It not only informs me about their sexual identity, I'm more aware of their struggles. It also helps me differentiate a transgender from a transsexual, for example. The fact that these labels are made fun of or are a target for mockery only tells me that there's still a long battle to be fought for the LGBTQ+ community. These labels might not be as crucial to someone like me. But for the vast majority of the queer community, these labels give a powerful sense of acceptance and belonging. Just like any other labels we use to identify ourself with - male, female, millennial, Chinese, Malay, Indian - we have to remember that they are there for a reason. We cannot deny that they give recognition to a group that has been marginalised since its inception. If these labels exist to help a group of individuals find self-acceptance in a complex world, perhaps we should respect that. So what do you think? Are labels are an important part of the LGBTQ+ society? Also read, We Fight For The Freedom To Love, But Is Singapore Really Ready To Accept LGBT? (Header Image Credit: Chek Yong - Travel Photography via Pink Dot 2017)

The LGBT movement in Singapore has come a long way. But no matter how far we’ve progressed, there seems to be a brick wall limiting how far more the movement can go. Pink Dot has been painting Hong Lim Park with the colours of Gay Pride every year since 2009. More people are coming out with the help of advocates and media platforms that share their stories, like Dear Straight People. Despite the increase in visibility and conversations surrounding LGBT today, however, there’s still no real change. We are stuck in a time where our society seem to be generally more progressive, but our constitution remains traditional, with many ‘LGBT things’ that are still illegal in the eyes of the law.

LGBT People Are Criminals?

While LGBT people can live normally among us without having to worry that they will be stoned to death if they were to walk down the street hand-in-hand, they still lack many of the legal rights that non-LGBT people have. Same-sex relationships are not recognised under the law and it’s evident in many areas from not being able to be legally married (Section 12 of the Women’s Charter) and having kids to issues with housing and assets distribution after death. In 2017, a couple lost their BTO because their marriage was voided. and all because the man went for a sex change, rendering their same-sex marriage invalid.  I personally know a gay man who had to go through the trouble of flying overseas, paying six-digit sums for assisted reproduction, marrying the surrogate mother then divorcing her, just so that he could be legally recognised as the father to his biological children. Such are the lengths that LGBT people have to go to for something that is so normal for non-LGBT people. Then, there’s the much-contested Section 377A of Singapore's Penal Code, which prohibits two men from having sex with each other, even if it’s done in private. Although this law hasn’t been actively enforced, with only nine people convicted under this provision between 2007 and 2013.

In case you’re aren’t aware yet, the Penal Code used to criminalise “carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animals" under Section 377. It was tabled for repeal during the the 2007 Penal Code Review, but not Section 377A. Nominated Member of Parliament Siew Kum Hong presented a petition for the repeal of Section 377A but the Parliament opted to keep Section 377A, which criminalises male homosexual conduct specifically. <a href=" explained, “public morality does not target female homosexual conduct in the same way as it targets male homosexual conduct.” Also, “female homosexual conduct is either less prevalent or is seen as being less repugnant than male homosexual.” In other words, the authorities have opted to keep it illegal for men to have sex with each other (but not women) because they felt that Singaporeans weren’t ready to completely accept homosexual behaviour, particularly homosexuality between men, and that the society is more unaccepting of gays compared to lesbians. To be awfully honest, I agree with that notion.

Are We Really Ready?

Singapore doesn’t seem to be ready to accept the LGBT movement and community. Look at the controversy surrounding Cathay Cineleisure’s advertisement of Pink Dot 2017. Someone had complained about the advertisement and its “supporting the freedom to love” tagline because to them, that goes against family values. That complaint had led the authorities to call for Cathay to remove the tagline but Cathay stood firm with their decision to run the ad in the end, and I applaud them for standing up against such complaints and the authorities. It isn’t easy for big names or brands like Cathay to stand for a cause so controversial in Singapore’s society. In a society where discrimination lies even within certain laws, and where LGBT messages are still frowned upon by older generations and discussed in hushed exchanges among the more conservative. Another good example of why it’s hard for renowned brands or names to stand up for the cause is when popular local influencer, Hirzi, became an ambassador for Pink Dot 2017. Hirzi came under fire for standing for the LGBT movement for a myriad of reasons, mainly for going against his religion, Islam. In numerous interviews, he shared about how he had lost friends, been spat on his face, and been told not to associate himself with brands he was working for, after he became a Pink Dot ambassador.

“Brands have literally said, “We know it’s fashion week, and we already approved you guys already, wearing the outfits, but can you don’t tag us because we are a heterosexual brand.” Quote taken from Studio AC’s interview with Hirzi

In the Studio AC video interview, Hirzi also shared a case where a friend of his was discriminated against because of her sexuality. Someone had wanted to hire her dance crew to perform at an event but had requested for her to not be part of the performance, just because she’s a transsexual. It is pretty clear that the brand or event organiser was concerned about having a trans as part of the event or performance; That they felt that having a trans on their stage was too much of a negative association to have with their brand or event. And that shows exactly how closed-minded our society still is. The organiser may have done that to prevent possible complaints from event attendees. But that is the problem.

Don’t leave it to political leaders to lift the weight

The authorities are waiting to see if Singapore and Singaporeans are ready for such ‘radical’ change. But brands and Singaporeans aren’t stepping up to stand for the LGBT movement because the law doesn’t favour the movement. It’s a vicious cycle. We need to break that cycle. Every coming out story in the media and every brand representation in support of the LGBT movement add up. Brands and opinion leaders need to pave the way for more open conversations. It can be hard to start, but all it takes is one party to create the ripple effect. It could be as simple as showcasing portraits of LGBT people, which is exactly what internationally renowned photographer Leslie Kee did. The Out In Singapore project, which culminated in an exhibition that opened yesterday, features 150 portraits of the “diverse faces of the local lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer community and humanise what it means to be LGBTQ.”

By shedding a gentle spotlight on these LGBT individuals, the project was a way to create conversations and normalise LGBTQ. For some of the individuals, it was even a chance for them to come out. As a non-LGBT millennial who grew up in a 100% heterosexual family (including extended family), we never outrightly talked about anything LGBT. However, it is an unspoken understanding that being LGBT ‘is not the way to go’ to my parents and their generation. I see it from the way they joke about gays and hear it from their derogatory tone when discussing LGBT topics. There’s still a stigma surrounding this movement in the older generations and it is a longstanding battle. But it’s a battle that our generation, who are more receptive of the LGBT movement, have to help fight. If we continue to be accepting but apathetic, there will never be progress. As such, more has to be done to also help our society to be more open-minded and receptive. Covering your child’s eyes or telling them not to become like ‘those LGBT people’ when they grow up isn’t going to help. We need to be more open-minded as to being able to separate religion and sexuality. Some religions have strict beliefs in sexuality, and that’s completely fine. But just as everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, we should learn to agree to disagree. We need to be more willing to listen. Take notes from these Christians who went to a pride parade to apologise for the way they or fellow Christians have been treating the LGBT community. Also, as Hirzi shared in the interview with Studio AC, standing for a cause is a completely different narrative from the person you are. If I were to pledge my support to the handicapped, it doesn’t mean that I am handicapped. Nor does it mean that I am promoting the handicapped. It merely means that I empathise with the handicapped people and am showing that I accept and embrace them as part of our society. Also read, My Sexuality, My Right: “A Stranger Wanted Me To Apologise For My ‘Lesbian Appearance'”. (Header Image Credit: Calvin IG@calvinavigator via Pink Dot 2017) *Article Revised: We have corrected some of the facts that the writer has inaccurately presented on certain sections of the Penal Code. We are sorry for the mistake.

There were always thoughts of changing my face, my identity, and becoming somebody else entirely. I thought of myself as a female a lot and all through my teenage years, I wished that I would wake up in the right body one day. It took me a long time before I realised that I may be transgender.

Battling My Inner Conflicts

Looking back, I’ve always known. I just couldn’t put the words to the undercurrent of discomfort, couldn’t make sense of the thoughts and feelings I had. There were so many previous beliefs and assumptions that I had to discard before I could understand what it all meant. For one, a highly heteronormative view we all have is that your gender must be concretely tied to your sexual orientation, that a man must be sexually attracted to a woman and vice versa. However, I’ve learnt that your gender (male or female) does not have any bearing on your sexual attraction. I may be biologically a male who identifies as a female, yet still primarily attracted to women. For me, it doesn’t exclude an attraction to men as well.

“I would spend my entire life trying to suppress these feelings of being in the wrong body.”

Then, there’s religion. If I had accepted the religion I was brought up with, I would spend my entire life trying to suppress these feelings of being in the wrong body. As the Good Book says in Deuteronomy 22:5, "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God." Having brought up to internalise these beliefs as the norm, it was that much harder to accept myself and my thoughts.

Coming Out

“I confessed... to my fiancee.”

Coming out was a long and hard process. I spent a year thinking about how much harder life would be, about getting accepted by society, presenting as female, and what all of that would entail. In the end, I knew that I had to at least try to become the person I wanted to be, even if it’s an uphill struggle. I finally came out as a transgender woman four years ago, at 21. While I have been fortunate to not face much discrimination from the public, it wasn’t that easy back at home. Firstly, I was engaged to my girlfriend. She was the first person I came out to as transgender. And as difficult as it was for me to come to terms with myself, it was equally hard for her to acknowledge that her long-time boyfriend is coming out as a female. The only thing she said back then was something like, "I'll... do my best to understand." After a challenging 6 months, she accepted me as transgender. We eventually made a commitment to support each other, be it emotionally, financially, or physically – even if it meant scrutiny from others. We are now adjusting to this ‘new reality’ and also continuing with our plans to get married. For all of that, I am grateful. With her support, I came out to some of my closer friends as well.

The Hardest Hit

However, I never intended to come out to my parents, unless I had absolutely no choice. I had already been treated with scorn when I told my highly religious parents that I am an Atheist, and sat through three hours of a pastor (a friend of my mother’s) explaining to me why I ought to give God a chance. I had already been called a disgrace and the family disappointment when I left junior college to study theatre arts at LASELLE. I had already been called ‘disgusting’ when I confessed to them about being bisexual. What other painful remarks would they make if I told them I am transgender? I didn’t want to know.

"In my mother’s eyes, I was a rebellion against God. In my father’s eyes, I was a rebellion against him."

The truth came out when my mum discovered that I was taking estrogen pills. Needless to say, they didn’t take it well at all. My father constantly reminds me that my "life choices" will eventually ruin me and almost daily, my parents will remind me that because I am born a male, I will always be a male. My father also loves to say that I'd end up, in his own words, "不像人，不像鬼", which loosely translates to mean that I’d end up neither a human nor a ghost – implying that I’d never truly be female and never fully a male. They don't seem to understand that all those words are extremely hurtful, furthermore so as they come from family. And (I think) they sincerely believe that they are leading me back to the path of righteousness.

Living An Authentic Life

It was a long time and many nights of crying alone before I finally accepted the fact that my family would never be able to accept me wholeheartedly. Eventually, I stopped bothering.

“I’d just smile and agree with them instead of arguing because it’s so much easier than fighting, and far less painful.”

Today, I’m not living as female as yet because I'm not fully comfortable with the way people may respond. To strangers, I'm still entirely male. However, being transgender for me has mainly been about living the most authentic life I can under the circumstances of Singapore’s extremely anti-LGBT laws. Learning to accept my own body, and coming to terms with the fact that it will never be an idealised female form was the most difficult, but I am so much better as a person now. I am calmer and have a clearer sense of who I am. Most importantly, I feel so much more comfortable with being my true and authentic self in front of my loved ones. Life is not about pain, suffering, and renunciation, and it should never have to be seen as such. Despite all the obstacles I’ve faced and am still facing, these words from my favourite author, Ayn Rand, pushes me to live a fuller life every day: “Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.” – Clara, 24 Also read, “I Kept Hearing Voices Of People Criticising Me, And I Could No Longer Tell What Was Real”.

Figuring out my sexuality was a struggle. As most LGBTQ will attest, there are no surefire signs, no criteria, no checkboxes you can go through to determine whether or not you’re it. The only way to figure it out is to live your life, feel what you feel, and eventually, piece it all together—at least that’s how it happened for me.

Just A Phase?

Growing up, I was always a tomboy. I went to an all girls’ primary school and my schoolmates would often tease me and make fun of me for it. At the time, I thought nothing of it. When I was 10, I became really close to a girl. We were best friends in school and would hang out together all the time. I felt like I liked her more than just a friend. But of course, at that age, I didn’t understand it. Thereafter, I had some innocent crushes on girls as a pre-teen and teenager, but I didn’t think too much of that either. As I was trying to understand why I had such feelings, I spoke to my mum and siblings about these girl crushes. We all believed it was a phase I would eventually grow out of. As I grew older, I had my fair share of guy friends, but I never liked them as more than just bros. And as time went by, I gradually realized that I was different.

Keeping A Part Of Me A Secret

It was a very different time back when I thought I might be gay. It wasn’t a big social issue. There was very little talk about sexuality in the media and in society, and not many people were gay—at least, not that I was aware of. I didn’t personally know anyone who was gay. Because it seemed so rare back then, I worried constantly about how people would perceive me and treat me if they found out I was gay. I was also afraid of how it would affect the people around me; I was scared that people would treat the ones close to me differently because of their friendship with me. As a teenager, whenever I went to church, I felt like I had to change. I tried to change, tried to feel differently. And when I couldn’t, I buried my feelings and kept them to myself. When nothing worked, I got upset with myself. I was angry that I didn’t change. Now, I realise it’s because I couldn’t. This is just the way I am. Being gay and having no one to talk to about it, it was tough, trying to make sense of how I felt and why I felt that way. I avoided thinking about it, and when I did share my struggles with those who accepted me for who I am, it felt like no one truly understood. For a long time, I felt alone and wished I knew someone who shared the same difficulties and challenges as me. Eventually, after a long and hard struggle with myself, I came to terms with the fact that I was “different”. I knew there was no running away from me.

Loved, Supported, And It Meant Everything

My mum and siblings were the first few people I came out to. It wasn’t a complete surprise to them, considering that I spoke to them about the girl crushes I had in the past. It was my dad I was more afraid to tell, because he’s a bit sterner. It took me a while longer, but eventually, I summoned up the courage to come out to him when I was 24 or 25. I still remember how scared and nervous I was up to the point I actually said the words to him. In the weeks that followed, I could tell that he was trying his best to understand it – to understand why I was this way. I felt bad that I, too, couldn’t explain how this happened.

Not Everyone Understands

Even though the people that matter most to me accepted me for who I was, not everyone received the news well. I’ve had my fair share of nasty reactions from friends and even complete strangers on the street. In fact, just recently, when I was out shopping at a mall, the mother of a little girl followed me just to tell me how offensive and gross it was that I didn’t ‘dress like a girl’ or have long hair. She wanted me to apologise for scaring her daughter with my ‘lesbian appearance’. Apparently, the little girl had asked her mum why my hair was so short. It wasn’t about how I looked or how I behaved; my hair alone was enough reason for her to come up to me to confront me. I ignored her remarks and tried to get away, but she followed me and made harsh remarks about my lifestyle, saying things like, “I don't care about how you choose to live your life but say sorry for confusing my daughter and making her scared.” Dirty looks from strangers are normal for me. So are harsh words from the people around. Even though I’m proud of who I am, things like these sometimes still get to me.

Still The Same Person, Regardless Of My Sexuality

Accepted or not, it was good to get everything off my chest; coming to terms with who I was and being able to say it out loud to the people I love liberated me. Those who stuck around realised that beyond the label of ‘lesbian’, I was still the same person with the same heart and character. I am still the same Sam Koh, regardless of who I fall in love with. I’m 29 years old, a barista at my own café and I’m also happily attached to my partner Roslyn. We’ve been together for about 8 months now, and I’ve never been happier. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for some of the people I know who have been forced to stay in the closet and to put up a front all their lives because their families do not approve. Everyday, I know how fortunate I am to have people around me who accept me exactly as I am. I am more than grateful for a family who lets me figure out my life on my own.

LGBT In Singapore

Being lesbian has definitely left me feeling lonely and excluded at times. Still, I wouldn’t wish away the things I’ve experienced and the fact that I’m gay. I, and the LGBTQ community, are not gay just because we want to be different. We’re not here to challenge heterosexuality. We’re not asking anyone to be gay. We just want to be accepted for who we are. At the end of the day, we are just regular human beings who want to be able to love who we love, free of condemnation. To have people frown upon your relationship is just like having parents who don’t approve of who you're dating, but worse. We have total strangers disapproving of our choices too. It’s frustrating. Thankfully, times are changing and so are attitudes. Still, there is more to be done. I hope one day, people will be more open and accepting. I hope one day, people will see beyond the labels and the prejudice, and realise that all we want is the freedom to love. - To show our support for the freedom to love, we will be publishing stories under our new series My Sexuality, My Right. In it, we share the journeys of Singaporeans who are fighting for their right to love, and who embrace their LGBTQ identity. Also read, Sexual Harassment Not That Unusual – S’porean Girls Reveal Their Nasty Encounters With Perverts.

"Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? And how they were punished because the people were so sinful?" "Of course. Cities of gays and fags. The result of Pink Dot succeeding." There is some laughter around the table. This is during a cell group meeting. I attempt to interject. "Well, they were rapists. You cannot overlook the fact that they wanted to gang rape the two visitors - who were actually angels - in Lot's house." "Yeah, but the rape is secondary. The angels were disguised as men and they wanted to rape the men. So the main reason is because they were a bunch of homos." Another cell member adds, "Actually, I think the real issue here is why Lot offered his two daughters to the gang-rapists..." and the discussion shifts towards this statement in which it is much more obvious why it is problematic. I am still listening, but I sigh inwardly. Such an episode is just one of the many instances in which I've come face-to-face with the hidden strand of virulent homophobia running within my church. I say hidden because my church does not openly promote an anti-LGBT campaign like Pastor Lawrence Khong of Faith Community Baptist Church; rather, LGBT issues are rarely spoken of in my church. Nevertheless, it occasionally bubbles up, revealing an image of simmering, virulent hate. Now and then, there are those few sentences in the sermon where LGBT rights gets lumped in with ISIS and Syria as the moral challenges faced by Christians today. There are the moments during cell group or Bible Study where homosexuals are unanimously denounced as those who will "go to hell" because "it is stated as a sin in the Bible". There are the snatches of gossip among my peers in church about finding the son of a prominent church member on Jack'd (a dating app for gays) while they were browsing it to see "how f***ed up it was". And inevitably, whenever Pink Dot rolls around for its weekend in June, half the church shows up on Sunday dressed like MPs, with the affirmation by the worship leader that "it is good to see where our church stands". It goes without saying that such moments make me uncomfortable. Not because I am a deviant destined for hell, but because of the ease with which a community of otherwise friendly people can turn into furious church militants, baying for condemnation, just on the subject of a person's sexual orientation. There are fellow church-goers I have talked to whom, for all of their dedication organizing church activities and running Sunday School for children, have spoken unblinkingly about playing a part in bullying classmates who were perceived as gay back in school - and who could laugh about it. One of them even declared, "If I found out my son was gay, I would beat the gay out of him. Seriously, having a gay son means you have completely failed as a parent." I tried asking one of the pastors later, "Surely there are LGBT people who are Christian too. Isn't it unfair to think that they will be condemned for it?" To which he replied, "If they are Christian, they must give up their deviant lifestyle and be straight again. If not, they cannot have their salvation." I still go to church. It is difficult to stop when your family attends it as well, and your father holds a prominent position within it to boot. Tongues will wag and gossip about a family member is by far one of the most damaging things for someone working in the church. Given that my father is the sole breadwinner of the family, the general anti-LGBT stance of the church, and the fact that I am the eldest son, there is a real fear that there will be disastrous consequences for my family if I come out or am ever discovered. Still, I consider myself fortunate. I have a handful of friends outside of church whom I've opened up to regarding my sexuality, and who give me great support and the space to really be myself. But the main reason, I suppose, for why I have managed to escape the more serious discrimination my gay friends face, is because I am bi.

Why being bi comes with a set of privileges in Singapore

At this point, it is essential to point out the differences between being gay and being bi. Much of the LGBT discourse here often conflates both sexualities and this often leads to misconceptions, even among the LGBT community. Some bizarre questions I have been asked by the friends I've come out to include: "How can you want to f**k a girl yet also wanna f**k a guy? Is that even possible?" "Does this mean your ideal sex is a threesome with a guy and a girl?" "So you can like, choose who you wanna get turned on by?" "Will you eventually decide on a single gender?" "Are you sure you're not just going through a 'gay' phase?" For a while, while I was still unsure, I said yes to that last question. But eventually, I realised that it was difficult to call it a "phase" since it's been going on since I reached adolescence a decade ago. I am attracted to both guys and girls. What else can I say? I exist in the spheres of heterosexuality and homosexuality simultaneously. And because of this, I have the privilege of being able to have a normative heterosexual relationship, while my gay peers are denied legality and status in their relationships. I will admit, there has been more than one occasion where I would use the hetero aspect of my sexuality to hide the homosexual aspect - i.e. putting on a "straight" front while catching up with my male friends, talking about a girl I genuinely found attractive, while appreciating how one of the guys served as great eye candy. The same goes for when I am in church. Some days, I feel my bisexuality is a blessing, but there are also days when I feel embarrassed and like I'm a sham. Sometimes, I wonder if it is even accurate to say that I can identify with the LGBT crowd. As one of my gay friends bluntly put it, I have an "escape option" within our conservative society, and it wasn't without a tinge of envy that he said it. "You can choose not to come out you know? Especially if you get into a relationship with a girl." It was a statement that made me very uncomfortable. For in a sense, it was true; on the surface, everything would look normal. Everything would be socially acceptable. My family and church would never have to know. I suppose it would save me and my family from an ugly fallout.

It's not a choice

Even so, I cannot hide the homosexual side of me, and neither can I deny it. People may disagree and I am perfectly fine with that; I just do not see self-denial or self-effacement as the solution. As cheesy as it sounds, I believe I must be true to myself. I simply cannot fathom pretending this side of me does not exist. The same goes for my attraction to women, despite my friend's insistence that "you'll eventually choose once you have had enough sex." I just happen to be wired this way. Perhaps it is in part because of my resolve not to be pressured into fitting in a "gay" or "straight" box, and in part, a fear of being discovered that I haven't been able to commit to any kind of relationship so far, be it with a guy or girl. What we really need is acceptance - acceptance of who we truly are. Privately, I support the Pink Dot movement, but with so much social pressure and religious intolerance working against us, I am pessimistic about anything concrete being achieved. For now, I shall just have to be content with that small freedom I have among my closest friends, for I am not strong enough to face the consequences of coming out yet. <a href=" Image Credit