Who would have thought you’d need to be taught how to put on a condom in school? For most Singaporeans, the first time we would ever learn about the birds and the bees are in the sex education talk we get in primary and secondary school. Even so, our young minds were too amused by any mentions of 'penis' or 'vagina' to pay attention. Ask any millennial what they remembered from this talk and they will likely tell you that it was 'some random stranger preaching about abstinence and warning you about the dangers of unsafe sex'. With not much absorbed from these supposedly very important lessons, it's a wonder that Singaporean millennials know so much about sex. Having no distinct memory of ever sitting for a sex education talk myself, I spoke to some of my fellow millennials to see how much they actually remember. They, fortunately were able to enlighten me about the most awkward 60 minutes of secondary school. And after hearing what they had to say, I’m glad I’ve been able to suppress this from my memory. Though some of what they said did get me wondering, “how did I ever forget this??”

“‘Don’t have sex or you’ll get pregnant and die!’ - something that I took away when they taught us about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in secondary 3” – Aisha, 25

Complementing the messages of preventing STDs were lessons on using condoms for safe sex. Naturally, watching a grown adult roll a condom down a banana stood out for many.

“When learning how to wear a condom properly with the use of a banana as example, they told us, ‘always remember to the pinch the top!’” – Natasha, 27

It’s great that we have a sex education program in place at all. In countries like China, sex education is almost completely non-existent and experts say that this has contributed to the<a href=" rise of HIV and abortion cases amongst the Chinese youth. While I'm grateful that such statistics isn't that much of a worry in Singapore, many of us still find our sex education program to be pretty sh*t. 

SINGAPORE’S ABSTINENCE-ONLY APPROACH

The Ministry of Education (MOE) values abstinence as the best approach in the prevention of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. But this is unrealistic. Teens are having sex, and it’s silly for anyone to think otherwise. That makes it all the more crucial that teens are provided with necessary information to help them in make informed choices. Instilling fear of STDs and AIDS in them isn’t going to work. 

“I remember that a lot of the focus was not really on the process, but on the DANGERS of unsafe sex. Telling teenagers ‘DO NOT HAVE SEX, YOU WILL GET HERPES’ just makes them scared to seek help if they need it.” – Melissa, 28

The more you tell a teenager not to do something, the more s/he will do it. Rather than trying to prevent the impossible i.e. teenagers having sex, and living with the idealistic mindset that teens will abstain till marriage, schools should address the obvious straight-on. It’s time sex education lessons started giving students answers to questions that they shouldn’t be looking for on Google.

Let's be honest. We learnt a lot more about sex and protection through the videos and stories we see and read online than through our sex ed. But that isn't necessarily the best way to go when the resources available online may not always be 'healthy'.

“It was a lot of out-dated scaremongering and it didn't maturely teach teenagers how to practice safe sex at a point in their lives where they would be naturally sexually curious, if not already active.” – Nikki, 25

It is a problem and we need to rethink the way we teach sex education because it is invaluable knowledge that will impact the rest of our lives. Abstinence and encouraging safe sex are good messages, but there are many bigger concerns that teens will come to have when they become sexually active. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT CONTRACEPTION

Aside from teaching teens how to put a condom on a banana, our sex education barely touches on birth control and contraception.

“The school was so obsessed with talking about the dangers of sex that they didn't give us practical advice, like informing us about the various forms of birth control and where to get them.” – Sophia, 23

As a teenage girl myself once, I knew close to nothing about contraceptives. I had only heard about condoms and learnt about the existence of birth control pills through movies and television. When I reached a stage in my life when I had to use it, I jumped to Google to gather all the information I now know about contraception. I wish my school would have given me a “Contraceptives 101” crash course (or even a sex education talk worth remembering). Let’s take the image below for example. It shows us the various methods of contraception. Even looking at it now, I can’t say that I am entirely sure how some of these contraceptives work. Can I Google it? Sure. But I shouldn’t have to.

In Northern and Western Europe, students learn about contraception as part of their sex education program and where, no surprise, the rate of unintended pregnancies is low. But not only does learning about contraception prevent unintended pregnancies, it arms teens with the knowledge that will help them be less vulnerable and more prepared in the face of unforeseen circumstances. For instance, if a teen who hasn’t been taught about emergency contraception ever finds themselves in a vulnerable position after unprotected sex, they’re more likely to feel confused and scared than someone who has learnt about them.

REAL-WORLD SITUATIONS

As parents to a teenage daughter, my parents became extra paranoid about the people I hung out with once I hit puberty. And by people, I mean boys. The compelling need to protect daughters from danger has been ingrained into people’s minds for centuries. There’s a chronic fear when it comes to raising daughters that no one openly talks about, but we all know it’s there. Conversations like these are often kept hush-hush. But how can we hope to eliminate a fear without talking about it? There have been many cases over the past couple of months that have opened up a can of worms over the concept of consent before or during sex. “If a girl doesn’t say no, does it mean yes?” “But they’re in a relationship, still need to ask permission meh?” “The girl knew what she was getting into the moment she started making out with him.” Be it the Eden Ang controversy, or the<a href=" RP graduate who got flamed online for her blog post describing an incident that occurred between her and her then-boyfriend, these “discussions” have warranted that we re-evaluate the way we think and talk about sex. Talking about abstinence doesn’t help when you find yourself in a situation beyond your control. And knowing about the consequences of unsafe sex (STDs) wouldn’t matter when it’s too late to prevent it. Concerns that sex education should also touch on include dealing with undesirable situations. For example, teaching girls and boys about consent.  The United Kingdom has recently reformed its sex education program to include lessons on consent as well. Being able to ask and clarify before making an advance, saying no to unwanted advances and understanding the verbal and visual cues of consent are all important in creating a safer space for teens not just in schools, but outside school grounds as well. Talking about the issue with their peers and discussing and clarifying their concerns with educators can help teens understand what a healthy relationship looks like.

“Boys should know to ask for consent and to cope with their sexual urgencies and girls should be empowered to say 'no' if they don't want to have sex.” – Victoria, 26

Sex needs to be openly discussed. By keeping this conversation confined behind closed classroom doors and separating girls and boys during this talk, we’re only reinforcing the message that sex is “bad” and “wrong”. If we teach sex education the way we teach students Math, for example, we’ll be creating a safe space where students wouldn’t need to shy away from seeking help if ever they find themselves in a predicament. And if teens today find themselves feeling confused or conflicted like we once did, all they'd need to do, is ask. While the act of sex may be done behind closed doors, the conversation shouldn’t have to be. Also read: Let's Talk About Sex: 15 S'poreans On Whether Sexual Compatibility Is Important In A Relationship

Slightly over a month ago, I watched as he walked down the aisle with his bride. 12 years ago, it was me whose hands he held. But when I saw him holding up his bride’s gown train and guiding her up the stage, it was joy I felt and not jealousy. I was, in fact, proud of him for finally moving on to the next stage in life: getting married. It was a strange feeling, because he was my first love. What makes it even more bizarre is that he had cheated on me twice. Yet, he is now someone I consider a BFF (Best Friend Forever).

“What! Why/How are you still friends with him?”

Is something that I get all the time whenever anyone learns about this unlikely friendship of mine, and understandably so. Most of us are sceptical of being friends with exes or anyone we had a romantic endeavour with, let alone exes who have done us wrong. And cheating is right up there on the list of wrongs together with murder, for the stab to our heart is like a murder of our soul. I exaggerate, but anyone who has had their heart broken would know that awful feeling too well. Even if the relationship hadn’t ended on such a bad note, it is hard to go from lovers to friends without the awkwardness of having to deal with the remnants of any unresolved feelings of love (or hate) from either party. Chemistry can be a wonky bitch and the flame could be reignited at any moment. Who’s to say either party wouldn’t fall prey to that? Afterall, when one has shared such an intimate part of one’s self with someone else, it can be hard to maintain a relationship with that person with no romantic attachments. Any feelings of love, lust, hope, or anticipation would tip the scales of a platonic friendship. Furthermore, remaining as friends with an ex is only going to make things complicated. Regardless of how mutual a breakup is, there will always be wounds from a failed relationship. Contrarily, it’s easy to use the guise of friendship to mask the hope one has on patching up. Just like how a cut will never heal if one were to keep poking at the wound, remaining in constant contact with someone we’ve fallen out with or even stalking their social media accounts is just going to make it harder to fully move on. It is the same even with a close friend or family member. At some point, we’ve all had that someone whom we’ve fallen out with, a tie that we’ve lost due to a multitude of reasons and wished things hadn’t panned out so badly. It could have been a silly spat or a major miscommunication, but it’s a common belief that once one has gone down that road, there is no return. But there is, because I’ve been through it.

The Painful But Worthy Transition From Lovers To Friends

Calling him as an ‘ex’ doesn’t even quite cut it. It is as vague as sketching out the outline to an elaborate painting. He was the one who taught me the meaning of romance. He wooed the diehard romantic in me. As cliche as it sounds, he was to me what Prince Charming was to Cinderella - someone I had never expected to fall for, but swept me away and gave me the fairytale I always dreamt of as a young and innocent teenage girl. I knew what it meant to have butterflies in my stomach because of him, to smile like a fool whenever I reread every corny text he sent, to lie to my parents so I can go out on dates, and I was so ready to spend the rest of my life with him - naive, I know. Then again, some say the first love is always the most beautiful, and it was for me. Yet, he was also the one who taught me the meaning of heartbreak in the worst possible way. When he confessed to kissing another girl a year into our relationship, I was perplexed and hurt, but still too smitten to see the red flags. Then, when I found out that he had been seeing another girl a little later, I was shattered. It was the first time I truly understood what it means to feel like ‘my spirit has left the body’. I remember having to study for O levels in tears from the regular breakdowns recalling how he couldn’t make the decision between me and the other girl. “I need more time. Wait for me, I’ll settle this. I promise,” he left me hanging with a glimmer of hope as I struggled to stay sane while juggling the stress of such major exam papers. Eventually, he chose her. It was hard to come to terms with the end. I knew it was going to hurt, but the other part of heartbreak that no one told me about was the embarrassment that came with having to ‘disappoint’ his brother and cousin, both of whom I had grown close to, and the regret that I will never be able to fulfill that role that they had accorded me for: family. Breaking up was only the start because ironically, he would go on to seek my help to woo the girl he had broken up with me for. And I did what he asked of me because if I couldn’t make him happy, I hoped that he could at least find happiness with someone else who can. He would go on to chase that same girl for the next 10 years, only to give up after reaching the limit he had set for himself before settling down with someone else. As much as the guilt he felt for having been a bastard to me, I’ve always felt guilty towards him - that girl never accepted him for she couldn’t get over the fact that she was a third party back then. Looking back, though I had loved him deeply, I feel like I was the third party instead, that I was that barrier that prevented him from being with his One. I was the one who caused him unrequited love for 10 years. And it pained me whenever I saw him drift in and out of relationships, because we both knew about his love for that one girl. Through it all, he taught me the meaning of truly loving someone. Granted, it could have stemmed from my romantic love for him back then and it did take a long time before I can say,  without a doubt, that ours is a friendship void of any romantic feelings. A year of self-deceit and one last ‘hook up that shouldn’t have happened’ with him which culminated in more than an hour-long cry in a school toilet before I honestly had closure.

People ask me why I bothered to be so noble as to enduring my heartbreak back then and even blaming myself for his unrequited love. I’d say it’s a mix of my stupid innocence and the value I saw in that relationship, even if it was reduced from romantic to platonic. After having co-owned a part of your life with someone, that person becomes almost like an extension of you. They will always know a part of you that no one else does, just like you know of them. Finding someone else with the same dynamics and whom you know inside out like an ex does is extremely difficult, and almost impossible once work becomes your life. Of course, that isn’t to say that I am friends with all my exes or that all of my relationships, platonic or romantic, are perfect. There are friends I’ve fought with and exes whom I vowed to never see again for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean that every relationship, especially romantic ones, have to end badly. It doesn’t matter if the whole world dictates that you cannot be in contact with an ex or an ex-friend because ultimately, you are the one who will face the consequences of your actions. For me, keeping this particular friendship is only possible because of the mutual understanding between my BFF and me. A big contributor is the respect we we both give our own partners to be completely honest and transparent with our histories, and the acceptance and understanding they give in return. Having accepted that our romantic chapters are closed, I see this friendship as an invaluable one that I will never be able to find anywhere else. The maturity and openness we have towards each other is one that is only possible because of all the shit that we’ve weathered through as a couple and then as BFFs. He is the one person whom I would never feel shy or grossed out sharing or hearing explicit details about sexual experiences with and from, and the one person I know I can turn to even if I needed help to cover up a murder (which, I proclaim, is very unlikely to happen). And if I had to do it all over again, heartbreak and all, I would. Also read: I Bared It All For You, But It Was Barely Love. (Header Image Credit: Sarandy Westfall)

They say Singapore’s got no talent, that we are only booksmart, that we are a city of jaded office workers. I beg to differ. So many Singaporeans have risen up and done us proud in so many ways, be it our national icon for swimming, Joseph Schooling, or singers like Stephanie Sun and JJ Lin, who is now a very popular figure in Taiwan’s music and entertainment industry. However, no matter how many medals we’ve won or Singaporean representations at international stages, it’s still hard to see our nation as one with talents. For example, on the context of aptitude, you would think of music, film, and entertainment when you think of countries like America, Korea, or Taiwan, or sports when you think of countries like Brazil or France. But what would you think of when I say Singapore? Honestly, food. What else? Even if you could come up with one or two names that have done Singapore proud, these handful of recognised talents are often considered lucky for being able to make it that big. And their contributions aren’t significant enough to be tied to our ‘nation’s speciality’. Perhaps, we’re just known for our robust markets and workforce. Anything else are considered ‘unconventional’. And in Singapore, there is a deep-rooted belief that there is “no future” for such ‘unconventional careers’, like singers, dancers, or artists. Basically, anything arts-related is deemed as impractical. Though it sounds sad, there is truth to such remarks because of the limited ways Singapore recognises talents.

A Rigid Definition Of Success

According to the Oxford dictionary, a talent is someone who possesses “natural aptitude or skill”. Naturally, we measure someone’s aptitude or skill by how well they do what they do, or how successful they do it. We associate talent with success because the ability to cook a bowl of Maggie curry wouldn’t instantly make one a Michelin-starred chef. However, the stiff mindset of only recognising talents when they are successful enough creates a whole host of other problems. While it is a fair consideration that helps separate the casual hobbyist and the dedicated ones with a higher calibre, it is also an obstacle that prevents those with potential to fully unleash their capabilities. The Ben Davis case was a good example. There are many points to debate about, but that is not what I’m driving. Instead, his case shows the very rigidity of the way we recognise talents. Or rather, how our governing bodies deem as ‘worthy enough a talent’, because apparently, a sportsman has to “represent Singapore in international competitions like the Olympic Games and are potential medal winners for Singapore” to be granted deferment for NS.

By following the books and emphasising that they are just following what have been set in stone, our leaders are essentially reinforcing the belief among Singaporeans that one is only considered a talent if one fits a certain mould. It also shows that in Singapore, one needs to make it really big before one is a talent worth recognising. Even as a kid back then, I remember the sayings about how you shouldn’t be proud of yourself until you get straight As or if you get first in class. Think about it: We only celebrate the achievements of Singaporeans if they far enough as to getting the podium spots. Can you imagine dedicating months of training for a world’s biggest competition only to be booed for getting any medals or not winning anything? How are we going to spot talents with such a prejudiced mindset? Is this the kind of environment we want to have to nurture talents?

Are We Too Pragmatic For Our Own Good?

This insular sense of success and talent also stems from a very practical part of us: The need to earn a living.   The first thing that comes to our minds when we think of success is someone who is rich or holds a high-paying career, who owns a car, lives in a nice house, and basically has most of the 5Cs. Our competitive society and the value of pragmatism have been so ingrained in us that it makes us fear failure. Instead of exploring possible ‘what ifs’ in a path less taken, most Singaporeans would opt for the safer route. Furthermore, there are no free meals and one still need a proper income to survive in Singapore.

I’ve known of many talented Singaporean dancers who have flown overseas on their own accord to compete in street dance competitions when I was in poly. While a handful had the opportunity to turn dance into their career, majority of those prominent and well-respected dancers back then, who inspired many generations of dancers after, are now salesmen, teachers, fathers, and housewives - for survival. They just could not earn a living from dance in Singapore. I can only imagine how much more potential they have and how much they could have achieved if they were granted more opportunities in dance here. We have been conditioned to focus on academics since young and thus we reserved the concept of success for those who make it big in the workforce or economy, to conventional paths like doctors, lawyers, and businessmen. We will be awestruck at Singaporeans getting into the list of the richest people in the world, but apathetic towards those who accomplish things on alternative paths. Take for example the recent achievements by two local choirs: NUSChoir was awarded the prestigious “Choir Of The World” title at an international music festival in UK; and ONE Chamber Choir took home three golds at the biannual World Choir Games, which saw 300 choirs from over 60 countries and regions competing. I bet more Singaporeans know about the trivialities in the spat between Hong Hui Fang and Pan Ling Ling than the aforementioned achievements. The love for drama is one, but the fact that Singaporeans just don’t care is the main issue here.

No Love For Our Talents

It takes two hands to clap. While government support plays a big part in supporting local talents, Singaporeans’ appreciation for our own talents is equally important. Many of us don’t give a damn in anything that doesn't affect us. And having grown up in a society that didn’t expose us to different forms of arts and didn’t prize the arts as of value, many of us grew up not knowing how to appreciate the arts. I personally never knew how to appreciate niche art forms like pottery, acapella, or even horticulture, but with social media and the support from opinion leaders and government bodies in various campaigns, exhibitions, and events, I’ve begun to understand those better. While I am not a convert, I now see the artistes’ labour and am able to appreciate the aptitude that is required to achieve what they presented. The worst that anyone can do is to be sceptical, and I can’t help but admit that many Singaporeans are exactly that - sceptics. Throughout the years, I have heard so many vituperative comments passed on local talents: On how local artistes try too hard to imitate famous American personalities; on how our actors and TV shows will never be as good as those from Hong Kong; on how Singaporean athletes only make it big because they have the money to ‘buy themselves a spot’. Even the most prodigious wouldn’t go far if they are belittled or denigrated for their efforts. I’ve had the chance to speak with Singaporean millennials chasing unconventional paths, like theatre arts company, The Second Breakfast Company (2BCo), and eSports team, Team Sovereign. Listening to them share their struggles, the one sentiment that was consistent is the lack of local support, not just from the government in terms of fundings or creating more opportunities, but from everyday Singaporeans. Let’s just say that no matter how much grants the government gives, for example, 2BCo, they will still not survive or go far if no one turns up for their plays. Just like how moral support helps a friend in need get by a trying time, the best way to help our local talents grow is by being accepting, encouraging, and appreciative of their efforts. Only when we change our mindsets will we be able to change the landscape for our talents. Also read: With Anti-Trump Protests Around The World, These Causes Closer To Home Are Also Worth Paying Attention To. (Header Image Credit: <a href=" Consulting)

"I have a good work-life balance. Everyone in my office knocks off at 5pm (or 6pm) every day."  - Said no one ever. Singaporeans are overworked AF - We clocked in the longest working hours in the world in 2017. On average, <a href=" work 45 hours a week. To most of us, 45 hours do not seem like a lot, but it's because we are so used to such working hours. In fact, staying in office way beyond our 'official working hours' or working overtime (OT) is considered a norm today. Granted, there are those who work till late because they are really swamped with important deadlines. However, many Singaporeans OT also because of the societal pressure that dignifies OT, making it seem like one needs to OT to show their dedication to the company.

THE PRESSURE TO STAY BACK

I recently came across an Instagram story a friend, Jason*, posted. In it, he shared about how he had left work at 6pm sharp, only to have one of his colleagues pass a snide comment at him, "wah today go home so early.” That comment may very well be passed off as a joke, but that wasn’t the first time Jason’s colleague made such comments. It happens every time Jason leaves work on time and it shows an underlying problem that is apparent in our work culture. It's worth noting that Jason gets to work at 9am, finishes all that is required for the day and leaves the office between 6pm to 6.30pm regularly. So on that fine day, Jason finally gave his snarky colleague a comeback, “Oh, hahaha, but I also come to work on time.”  

GIF by GIPHY

But this story isn't about giving snarky people a taste of their own medicine, it's about the unhealthy association we have with working OT and employee's value. As if an outlet that everyone was waiting for, Jason's story received an outpour of positive replies from friends and followers who had also experienced similar situations.

“Going home on time isn’t a crime and OT-ing isn’t a prize.”

Truer words could not have been spoken. Clearly, Jason isn't alone in this. Most of us have been in Jason's position at some point of our career. Somehow, we feel obliged to stay back beyond our designated knock off time, especially when everyone around us seems to be glued to their seats. In fact in our society today, staying back late is deemed a positive trait. It's not surprising for bosses to have the impression that an employee OTing in the office till 10pm is a hardworking one. When did staying late at work translate to employee dedication or value? And who's to say employees don't use that mentality to their benefit, exploiting it to show their "dedication" for their work? Contrarily, no one would instinctively think of an employee who leaves office on time as an A-star employee. Because of such workplace beliefs, we feel paiseh to be the first one out the door. We choose to stare at our screens in the office just because our other colleagues are doing so. Of course, I'm not implying that everyone OT for that sole reason because some really do have to get shit done. However, many of us have been a victim to this guilt and the fear that we will be looked down upon. It's a worrying mindset to have and kind of sad. Instead of prioritising productivity and good time management, we tend to patronise employees who leave on time and favour those who stay late, even if it could mean that they lack the two aforementioned skills.

STOP TORTURING YOURSELF

This unnecessary societal pressure is further egged on by something that is innately Singaporean: our "kiasu" mentality. We always want to be better than the person next to us. It's a national sport to be competitive and this mentality manifests itself in the hours we put into work. It cultivates an unhealthy showcase of competition where everyone wants to show that they're putting in equal, if not more effort than our peers. If we weren't all caught up in the rat race, there wouldn't be a need to do OT just to prove our worth in the first place. Ask anyone to choose between work or family and friends with the context that their livelihood isn't a problem and chances are most will choose family and friends. A survey from 2016 showed that about 50% Singaporeans said they don’t spend enough quality time with their family. With figures like these, it’s no surprise that Singaporeans constantly look like they're in need of a Red Bull. I know that we millennials like to think that we're invincible and while we're still young, we see the need to strive and work harder for better days. But everyone needs work-life balance. Not only does staying late affect our social life, it affects our physical and mental health. Working late into the night and waking up at 6am or 7am the next day for work again is only going to leave us drained. Besides, we've seen the many research studies that link stress and fatigue to decreased productivity. Even our eyes need a break from the computer screen every 20 minutes. We need to give our minds and a body a break. The less rest we get, the less productive we’ll be at work the next day, which leads to the need to OT and the vicious cycle repeats. Do we really want to live our life in an endless loop of feeling stoned? I certainly don't want to go about my life like 'the working dead'. We are human beings after all and the stress and mental fatigue that build up with constant OT should not be taken lightly. 'Death from overwork' is real - after clocking in more than 100 hours of overtime in a month, Matsuri Takahashi killed herself at the age of 24, and hers is not the only case in Japan that have been ruled 'death from overwork'. I'm thankful that the situation in Singapore isn't as drastic, but I also hope we never have to see that headline on local news.

WORK-LIFE BALANCE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A MYTH

Many of us today believe that work-life balance is simply not possible. “No such thing one lah!” We say. On the other hand, I have friends in countries like Australia, who tell me how they are blessed with employers who encourage them to leave work on time. One of them even shared that her employer had told her to go home two hours early because she had finished what she had to do for the day. Holler at me if you find an employer who would do that in Singapore. Working hours were made to be 8 hours for a reason. Whether it's to make sure people don't go insane from work or whatsoever, there's no need to stay back in the office unless we really need to - like to complete urgent projects or client deadlines that we die-die have to finish. Remember that at the end of the day, we work to earn a living, but is it worth it to be only living for work? It’s cool if you want to be a Jason. If you're done with work, go forth and leave the damn office when the clock strikes six. And if your bosses don't seem to comprehend the concept of productivity and that you are human, you can decide if you're paid enough to sell your life to work. And if you’re someone who likes to take a lot of breaks during the day because you just work better at night, that’s great too. Just, maybe, refrain from being condescending to those who leave on time. *Name has been changed to prevent the individual from losing his job. Also read: “It’s Just My Job” – Not All Insurance Agents Are Annoying Assholes

More colloquially known as Ah Beng Handphone Shops, neighbourhood handphone shops have been around for as long as I can remember. Many of us see such shops as dodgy and shady, with some going so far as to say that these shops are “just money laundering fronts.” It doesn’t help that these shops are usually run by seemingly twenty-to-forty-plus-year-old guys who would speak a brusque mix of Mandarin, dialect, and English. Together with their tough demeanor and the loud music that you can find blaring from some of such shops further alludes that of an ah beng. Gradually, the impression that these shops are Ah Beng Handphone Shops stuck, even though not all of such shops are run by ah bengs.  But after all these years and in a time where even big names like HMV and Kinokuniya have closed down amidst the retail doom, these small Ah Beng Handphone Shops are surprisingly still surviving. This is also despite the advent of e-commerce, Carousell, and Facebook live auctions. For the purpose of brevity in this article, I will be referring to such shops as Ah Beng Shops hereon. With many unanswered questions like how these Ah Beng Shops are still around and how they actually do business, I decided to take a trip to one of the older neighbourhoods, Bedok Central, to search for them.

Ah Beng Shops’ Ah Bengs Don’t Look That Ah Beng

Many of us have the impression that the people running Ah Beng Shops are ah bengs. When I left office for Bedok, I had even told my colleagues that I was going to make new ah beng friends from Ah Beng Shops. “Good luck, have fun,” they said. Of the 15 to 20 Ah Beng Shops I walked past, only three of the shop staff looked a little like ah bengs. And only one shop exuded the ‘ah beng vibe’: blasting music so loudly that it could be heard from a few shops down, and a strong smell of cigarette smoke emanating from the shop. Even so, the staff of that shop looked like an ordinary teenage boy - no gold hair, piercings, or tattoos like what you would expect of a typical ah beng. In fact, more than half the shops I saw were either run by uncles who look like those you’d catch stirring kopi while watching TV at kopitiams at midday, or average young men who look like they were just working a part-time job to earn some money.

Some of the Ah Beng Shops were an amusing sight as they were not so much a shop as they were a single counter awkwardly placed at a corner of another retail shop peddling completely unrelated items - imagine an uncle at a small mobile phone counter at the corner of a hair accessories shop. Bizarre. After being shooed away by five Ah Beng Shops to “try the other shops”, and told by one that “here nobody will want to talk one lah, what to talk? Do business only, nothing to talk about,” I was thankful to finally chat with Leon*.

Venturing Into The Ah Beng Shop Industry

I first stepped into Leon’s shop with dread for he looked like a middle-aged ah beng who would spout an uncouth mix of Hokkien and Mandarin, and I panicked at having to express myself with my atrocious grasp of Mandarin. The other half of me was worried that he will bite my head off for poking into his business. However, my perception of him totally changed as our conversation started, making me guilty for putting such a stereotype on him before I even spoke to him. Not only could he speak in fluent English, he expressed himself well. It was evident that Leon was neither illiterate nor an ah beng. As I came to know later on, he is in fact a graduate from a local university. For 40-year-old Leon, venturing into this trade wasn’t a choice as much as it was a fight for survival. Previously a branch manager at a bank, Leon had to do a drastic midlife career change after getting embroiled in a bad case of office politics, leaving him no choice but to leave the banking industry for good. Having spent 10 years in the banking industry and well into his thirties, switching to a completely new industry was not only a scary thought, it was problematic. Many of the routes he considered, like going into F&B, would require him to start from the bottom again - something he cannot afford as a father who has to support his daughter and his aging parents. With the help of friends dealing with mobile phones, he settled on opening an Ah Beng Shop together with a business partner. Even then, he had to learn the ropes of the trade by himself, spoiling many phones and paying many ‘school fees’ in the process.

Fighting For A Slice Of Pie

While there are Ah Beng Shop bosses who could diversify with multiple shops across the island to capitalise from different groups of customers like Seedly wrote about in an article, Leon only has one physical store. Having counted more than 15 Ah Beng Shops in the vicinity, I wondered how Leon even survives amidst such extreme competition. “Actually, there are more than 20 shops here,” he corrected me nonchalantly, “it’s very competitive, so we just have to find more channels of revenue online.” Although Leon doesn’t have multiple shop fronts, he operates his business over online platforms like Carousell and Qoo10. He also travels around to collect mobile phones from other shops around Singapore for repair, which his staff and himself would stay up until past midnight to complete.

“It’s not possible to survive just by sitting in the shop and waiting for customers to walk in. We have to reach customers from as many avenues as possible.” True enough, the 45 minutes that I was there, only two people stopped by: a migrant worker who asked if the shop takes in a certain model of mobile phone, and a little girl who was just wandering around. None culminated in any sales. Leon’s sentiments of having to find more ways to make money was echoed by Chan*, the boss of another Ah Beng Shop I managed to speak with. Having spent more than 20 years in this line ever since he came out of NS, Chan emphasised the importance of going online to reach more audience because the market is way more competitive today. Even with his online foray, Chan still has to make at least a few hundred dollars daily in the shop to maintain overheads and profit. “Because of the current online market, customers have a lot more options and are smarter, so it’s not just important to go online but also to provide good service.” Like Leon, Chan runs one physical store with a business partner and sells their business services on multiple online platforms. Explaining further on providing good service, “it’s very hard to profit from just selling items today. You can sell something at a thousand dollars but only earn $10.” Instead of employing aggressive sales techniques or trying to be the cheapest, Chan prides himself in simple, honest service and leaves it to customers to decide. Despite the odds, Chan’s business never ran into a deficit, which he attributes to his loyal customers.

Leon, however, isn’t as fortunate with his business finances. On good days, Leon’s shop makes a four-figure sum, “a middle-tier office worker’s salary,” but these days, one good day is usually followed by three bad days. And on bad days, they would literally have $0 revenue. With rental and staff salary, that means making a loss. Many times, Leon even had to fork money out from his own pocket just to keep the business afloat, but “you gotta do what you gotta do. I’ve got a wife, a daughter, what else can I do if I don’t make this work?” His expressions tell of someone who is jaded, yet hopeful for better days ahead.

The Shame That Comes With The Ah Beng Label

Having runned this business for close to six years, I asked how Leon felt about being labelled an ah beng merely because he ran an Ah Beng Shop. “Like that lor, if people want to think of us that way, what can I do about it?” However, when I probed further about his family, his reaction was a different one altogether. “My mum would say things like ‘waste money send you to university, then now you come out and do this kind of things’, ‘so shameful’, and that I’m a disgrace.” As Leon shared about the hurtful judgment from his own mother, I couldn’t help but notice his quivering lips when he paused to find the right words, as if holding back some repressed emotions. Leon’s wife works an office job and would always encourage him to join her at company gatherings, but having seen the reactions people would give whenever he reveals what he works as, he would choose to avoid such social gatherings because “I don’t want to embarrass or make things awkward for my wife.” Leon gets such judgment from other parents when he picks his daughter up from school as well.  “When I tell (the other parents) that I sell handphones for a living, they will look at me like this.” Leon proceeded to stare at me with wide-opened eyes and raised eyebrows - a puzzled look that is best expressed with the words 'What?' and ‘Why?’. Confirming my suspicions that such negative judgement from people gets to him, Leon bemoaned about the lack of respect for people in his trade. Having to serve many ridiculous customer requests throughout the years ranging from requests to stick on customers’ screen protector for free to being maligned for spoiling a phone after teaching someone how to upload a photo on Facebook, Leon explained that their tough, no-nonsense personality came about because of such customers. “Then if we don’t agree to these requests, customers will say ‘your service sucks’.”

Then, there are the shrewd customers who like to compare prices to what they can get online from websites like Taobao. To which Leon will reason, “Are you going to go to a restaurant and ask them why their dishes are so expensive when the ingredients are sold at a much cheaper price at the supermarket?” While Leon lamented that people tend to treat them like nothing and only look for them when their services are needed, he said that appreciative customers make the struggle worthwhile. And as much as I would have loved to justify that Singaporeans aren’t that terrible, I had to agree that his is of a job so undervalued and underappreciated. Yet, whenever we want a quick fix for our phone or wish to sell our used phones away, many Singaporeans still look to them for getting these done. A job that many people look down on, and one where no Singaporeans want to take on anymore. In fact, both Leon and Chan have to resort to hiring only foreigners, because it is almost impossible for them to find any locals willing to work in this line. Moreover, working in retail also means long hours and burning away weekends. Even as a boss, Leon dedicates every day of the week to his shop so that he can earn enough. “I hardly have time for my daughter. I wish I got more time to spend with her, but what to do? I need to support my family.” As I understood more about the hardship Leon and the other Ah Beng Shop bosses or staff face in such a diminishing trade, I started to have a new-found respect for them. After all, ah beng, uncle, or ah boy, these people are but retail workers who are there running a legit business to provide convenience to anyone who need quick mobile phone solutions. * Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals. Also read: The Blue Tax? The True Cost Of Being A Man In Singapore. (Header Image Credit: Mobile Square)

This post is written in partnership with NDPeeps. The more we age the more we love reminiscing the good ol’ days. It’s almost as if we don’t want to grow up (some of us really don’t want to). Even the older generation tend to go on about their kampong days. As such, we asked millennials to recall their favourite and most Singaporean childhood activities from when they were in primary school. Here, we’ve rounded up 10 of the most memorable activities from childhood!

1. Taking Neoprints

When camera phones were luxury and polaroid cameras not a trend yet, Neoprint shops were where we flocked to for group photos and entertainment. Not only was it fun to be able to doodle, add cute stickers and other fancy effects on the photos, it felt like magic to see the photos drop out of that little collection slot. For primary school kids who were getting $2 to $5 worth of pocket money from our parents, Neoprints were affordable thrills.

2. Chatting On MSN Messenger

Who can forget MSN Messenger? We sent annoying winks and spammed nudges when someone went AFK and we repeatedly go online and offline just to catch our crush’s attention. Way before we had Skype, Friendster, or Facebook, MSN Messenger was our social media. It was where we put up our display pictures, wrote our song lyric statuses, had our first group chats, and even played two-player games online.  

3. Block Catching

Back in school, we had our own imaginative ways to fill our spare time. Be it over recess time or after school, all of us have played those hand clapping games like “Pepsi Cola 1 2 3” (our version of Thumb war), “Sally Sally Lom Chiam Pass”, “Vampire, Vampire, Vampire Cheh”, and “O Pillar Caterpillar”. There are those that incorporated our whole body too, like Pepsi Cola 1 2 3 (leg version which required us to oust each other by stepping on another person’s feet), the Scissors, Paper, Stone game with legs stretching, Ice And Water, and Crocodile. Then there are those we played with the use of some ‘props’, like the Cat’s Cradle String Game, Monkey, Poison Ball, and Flag Eraser Game. For the luckier kids, we had Digimon fights, Beyblade battles, and Tamiya races.

5. Creating Polyphonic Ringtones

While mobile phones were indestructible, we didn’t have the luxury of setting our favourite tunes as ringtones. We could, however, create our own polyphonic ringtones. Many of us end up mashing random buttons trying to create a tune that may sound remotely decent. More often than not, we end up with some weird Hotel-California-on-reverse kind of melody.

6. ‘Slacking’ On Special School Days

Whether it was Sports Day, Teacher’s Day, Children’s Day, or any other ‘special’ school days, we loved that we got to enjoy some official school hours on non-academic activities. It didn’t matter that we weren’t in any sports team or in any part of the performances, we were just thankful for the ‘break’.  

7. P5 Camp

For a kid, P5 camp was freedom (away from the watchful eyes of our parents) and a taste of adulthood. It was probably also the first time many of us got to kayak, conquer a high elements obstacle course and flying fox, attempt rock climbing, went on a night walk, and had a campfire experience.

8. Doing Nothing After PSLE

There was that few weeks where we had no academic agenda after PSLE and being able to go to school without having to study at all was the best time ever. Some of us watched movies in school and others played card games. Lucky for me, my cohort got to go for field trips and we even got to stay overnight at Underwater World!

9. Writing Autograph Books

The post-PSLE period was also where many of us started our autograph books. From our birthdate and zodiac to our favourite food and pet peeves, autograph books were our way of remembering each other.  

10. Watching NDP Rehearsals Live

Besides the P5 camp and special school days, one other memorable school activity was being able to catch the NDP rehearsal live at the Padang. Watching it on TV was one thing but it was a completely different experience when we first heard the roar of the airplanes flying overhead and seeing the fireworks live. As kids, we loved that we had a reason to dress up in red together with all our friends. It also felt like we were part of something bigger than we were, especially when we did the iconic Kallang Wave. Not forgetting the NDP fun packs filled with various snacks, noisemakers, and toys that make the parade that bit more fun - it was even a 'thing' to be carrying around the fun pack bags after. 

Remember Our Past, Strive For Our Future

As we progress further into the digital age, let's preserve all these truly Singaporean activities that were such a big part of our lives when we were kids. And as we countdown to yet another year with Singapore’s birthday, let’s not forget all the little things that make us Singaporean. Instead of letting controversial events divide us, let’s stay united and help shape Singapore together for future generations. What are some of the most nostalgic things you did in your childhood? Share them with us in the comments! Check out NDPeeps for all the National Day moments leading up to 9 August on their Facebook page here, and their Instagram here! Also read: 9 Moments In National Day History That Made Us Damn Proud To Be Singaporean. (Header Image composited from images from: thelittledromstore, <a href=" Crown, YouTube, Imgur)

I remember a time when we used to refer to the LGBTQ+ community as simply, the gay community. Later, we began using the term 'LGBT' at large, and then LGBTQ, or even LGBTQIA. Today, this list has grown tremendously and is now more inclusive than ever. To some, it’s liberating. To others, it’s just plain confusing. Even when I asked a pool of friends consisting of both straight and non-straight people, no one could name every gender and sexual identity in the LGBTQ+ community. I wasn't surprised. There were so many after all. So, how many labels exactly are there and what do they all mean? I Googled to find out exactly how long the ‘+’ in the acronym LGBTQ+ ran. The most popular acronym I came across is LGBTTQQIAAP. So. Many. Letters. Confused? I was too. To help you out, I dug a little bit more to find out what each alphabet stands for and what it means to identify yourself as one of them. Let’s start with the basics. L is for Lesbian A lesbian, as we all know by now, is a female who is attracted to another female. G is for Gay The word 'gay' has been used to refer to the community in general over the years. But more accurately, a gay is a male who is attracted to other males. B is for Bisexual A bisexual is someone who’s attracted to both men and women. T is for Transgender Not to be confused with transsexual, a transgender is someone who identifies as the opposite gender. One thing to note: Unlike the three labels above, the term transgender is used to describe someone's gender identity, not to be confused with their sexual orientation/identity. Many tend to confuse the two and use them interchangeably. Your sexual orientation describes who you're romantically attracted to (who you wake up with), while your gender identity is how you identify yourself (who you wake up as) - male, female, a combination of male and female or none. For example, if someone identifies as transgender, that’s their gender identity, but when someone identifies as gay, that’s his sexual identity. T is for Transsexual A transsexual, unlike a transgender, is someone who has physically altered themselves to match the gender they identify as. Q is for Queer Through the years, ‘queer’ has been considered to be offensive and a derogatory term to some people in the community. In the 1950s, the word was used as a slur in reference to the LGBTQ+ community. Today, it is largely used and also the most inclusive word on this list. The acronym LGBTQ is still the most commonly used acronym when talking about the community as it argues that queer is an all-inclusive term for the lesser-known labels that follow after 'LGBT'. Q is for Questioning Questioning refers to a person who is still confused about their sexual or gender identity. I is for Intersex If someone identifies as an intersex, they are someone who is born with both male and female biological characteristics. An intersex person could have been born with chromosomes different from XX (male) and XY (female). S/he could, for example, have been born with the chromosome of XXY. An intersex could also be someone who’s born with genitals that are totally male or female, but their internal organs don’t match (such as having a vagina but no uterus). A is for Asexual Asexual refers to someone who has no sexual feelings or desires for anyone. A is for Ally An ally is a person who identifies as heterosexual but supports and fights for the LGBTQ+ community. P is for Pansexual Often confused with bisexual, a pansexual is someone who can be attracted to someone regardless of their gender or sexual identity. Unlike a bisexual, they can also be attracted to a transgender, transsexual, intersex, and more.

THE IMPORTANCE OF LABELS

Following the age-old debates surrounding LGBT messages, there are two types of people with regards to having so many labels. There are those who believe these labels are important in the fight for LGBTQ+ rights, and there are others who feel that the 'never-ending' list of labels is just becoming plain ridiculous. In the new wave of terminology, we're also hearing words like polyamorous, demisexual, genderqueer, two-spirit and a whole lot more. If you're wondering if it'll ever end, I'd say probably not. I wanted to go beyond learning the definition of these terms, which for all you know, I could've gotten from Wiktionary. To get a better understanding on the importance of these labels, I spoke to some people from the LGBTQ+ community and asked how they felt about having so many labels. Of the five queer people I spoke to, four believed that labels are crucial to the community and society as a whole. According to Lorraine*, who identifies as pansexual, the various labels help those who are trying to figure themselves out in the early stage of finding their sexuality. She admits that the labels can be quite confusing, but having them allow individuals to find themselves. And if these individuals wish to label themselves, they can. Sean, a gay man and the founder of Dear Straight People, says that labels are not only important to give the community a means of identity and belonging, but in helping the general public make sense of the LGBTQ+ community. But he also adds that he doesn't want people to see him just for his sexual identity.

NECESSARY OR JUST GETTING TOO MUCH?

While these labels fight for inclusivity, they have also become a subject for mockery in society. These labels can seem like a bit ‘too much’, not just for straight people, but for some queer people as well. They believe these labels make it difficult to normalise LGBTQ+. Tim*, a gay Singaporean, feels that in a society that already judges them for being who they are, these labels give people an opportunity to criticise them further. His experience with trying to explain the terminologies to his friends often results in looks of confusion, which made his straight friends less interested and more reluctant to learn about it. It didn't help that he would hear people passing comments like "wah you all damn extra." I also spoke to a few straight people to hear what they thought of these labels - do the labels help them understand queers better? Andy*, a straight male, feels that labels are difficult to understand for someone not in the LGBTQ+ community. Not only because there are so many labels, but also because he prefers to be acquainted with someone for who they are and not because of a label that he may not understand completely. Even if he does understand, it's hard to remember so many labels. As a straight female myself, I disagree. For me, these labels make it simpler to understand a person. It not only informs me about their sexual identity, I'm more aware of their struggles. It also helps me differentiate a transgender from a transsexual, for example. The fact that these labels are made fun of or are a target for mockery only tells me that there's still a long battle to be fought for the LGBTQ+ community. These labels might not be as crucial to someone like me. But for the vast majority of the queer community, these labels give a powerful sense of acceptance and belonging. Just like any other labels we use to identify ourself with - male, female, millennial, Chinese, Malay, Indian - we have to remember that they are there for a reason. We cannot deny that they give recognition to a group that has been marginalised since its inception. If these labels exist to help a group of individuals find self-acceptance in a complex world, perhaps we should respect that. So what do you think? Are labels are an important part of the LGBTQ+ society? Also read, We Fight For The Freedom To Love, But Is Singapore Really Ready To Accept LGBT? (Header Image Credit: Chek Yong - Travel Photography via Pink Dot 2017)

As conservative as our society is, millennials are no longer the generation that practices abstinence until marriage. In fact, those who still do abstain are the odd ones out who get teased. Whether it’s statistics from an Institute of Policy Studies that '1 in every 2 Singapore residents do not feel that pre-marital sex is bad' or just the general reactions during sex talks among our social circles - it’s no longer a surprise when you find out that your couple friends are having sex, in fact it’s almost expected. We hear a lot about sex from Western culture, but what about Singaporeans? Curious to find out how fellow locals feel about sex, I spoke to 15 Singaporean millennials. How important is sex in a relationship and is sexual compatibility a deal breaker? Here’s what I found.

How Important Is Sex In A Relationship?

As expected, 11 of 15 Singaporeans (73%) surveyed find sex to be quite important to very important. Not surprising at all, considering all the messages I have grown up being exposed to from Hollywood TV shows and rom-com films to celebrity gossip news. The main reasons behind those who see sex as a significant part of a relationship are that sex is an unspoken way to express love, affection, and intimacy that’s more than just friendship. Then, there’s some that consider it important as it’s part of their love language. One of them shared, sex is “a cornerstone of every relationship. It's the biggest way of showing each other affection and love, apart from the day-to-day small gestures.”

Sex is also a way for some of them to keep the flame alive and for one married millennial, “without sex, it feels like something is missing in the relationship. Sex makes me feel a whole other level of intimacy and closeness with my partner.” For the four from the other camp, one has chosen to abstain from sex due to religious beliefs while the rest reasoned that there are other factors that define a relationship, like personality or being able to appreciate quality time with each other.

What About Sexual Compatibility, Is It A Deal Breaker?

Even though more than 70% voted that sex is important in a relationship, only 6 of 15 (40%) felt that sexual compatibility is a deal breaker - a result I am surprised at, which I will share why further down. The two main reasons behind sexual compatibility being a deal breaker for these millennials are the conflict of values and the difficulty in compromising on sexual preferences. Essentially, if one has certain beliefs or values on sex, especially on abstaining due to religion, the other will have to ‘reciprocate’. It will be a big problem if a couple’s personal beliefs and values don’t align. Also, it’s very hard to compromise on something like sexual desire, “you don’t want to have sex with someone who goes left when you go right, or if someone expects sex everyday but the other don’t want to.” As for the majority (60%) that voted sexual compatibility as not a deal breaker, they reasoned that it boils down to communication and being mature enough to come to a common understanding. For them, a couple can make the choice on sexual compatibility being an issue or not, “as long as both parties are open to trying, experimenting, or coming to an agreement to compromise for each other. Otherwise, it could lead to repressed sexual emotions or even cheating.” Just like personality quirks, two also said that it is about respecting your partner’s sexual desires and needs - “when you know they are doing something they don't really like in bed just for you, it makes you treasure the other person more."

I Disagree With The Results

Contrary to the results of the survey, I personally don’t find sex to be particularly important in a relationship. I do see how such intimacy can help with keeping things exciting, but I value many other parts that constitutes a relationship, like warm hugs, deep conversations, or just the plain, old commitment to stick with each other through thick or thin. Or perhaps, you can say that I have a way lower sex drive than others. After all, sex is really a personal preference, as with how some people have sexual kinks while others don’t. I am, however, very surprised at how only 40% (6/15) of those surveyed consider sexual compatibility a deal breaker because I have always thought that a person’s sexual preferences is an innate drive that is very hard to compromise or even change. For one, differing sexual expectations can put unhealthy amounts of stress on the relationship. I once dated a guy who wanted sex a lot, while I was unsure if I was ready to lose my virginity. As a result of pressure, the guilt I felt from not making him happy as a girlfriend, and the intention of shutting his constant ‘just try only la’ up once and for all, I succumbed.

My giving in, however, gave him the chance to ask for us to do it more. But as anyone would know, the more you ask for something from someone who doesn’t want it, the more the person won’t want to do it. He’d even put on porn for us to watch just so it may get me aroused. The situation got so bad that it became a natural tendency for me to shut off the moment he started kissing me - I even felt grossed out.   As one wise guy I surveyed shared, “everything leading to sex and sex itself put you in a position where you are not only physically but mentally vulnerable to your other half. The whole act as a couple shows the amount of trust you have with them not to hurt you, but an act of affirmation that this is between you two.” Thus, having the same level of understanding on sex and intimacy is something I feel extremely important. I’m not a strong believer in my faith but I know people who choose to follow the values that they were taught in their religion. Whether it’s the belief that sex is something sacred only reserved for the one they marry or that it’s just considered sinful to engage in pre-marital sex, such beliefs can create a lot of problems for a couple. Take for example a free-thinker friend of mine, Nathan*, who once dated a Mormon girl. Among many other strict rules in the religion, Mormons are not allowed to engage in intimate touching and kissing outside of a heterosexual marriage, let alone pre-marital sex. They naturally broke many of those ‘rules’ and while she couldn’t deny enjoying what they did, she’d feel guilty about it. As for Nathan, he’d always have to wonder where to draw the line, always treading on thin line and hoping that they won't get into any kind of trouble. That’s not a healthy way to date. Then, there’s media and peer influence. A couple needs to be fully clear and accepting of each other sexual preferences (or how often to have sex). Otherwise, it is very easy to be swayed by society or be pressured into being ‘normal’ like the rest.

Sex Is Just One Part Of A Relationship

Regardless, a relationship is a lot more than just sex. For some, sex is something that they absolutely cannot do without while others see it as a non-essential relationship activity. To say that sex should be important in all relationships or sexual compatibility should be a deal breaker is akin to trying to force someone into a religion. Also, if you’re limiting yourself to finding the one person you have the best sexual chemistry with, you could end up an old spinster trying to find the perfect one. Ultimately, if a couple really commit to love and treasure each other, they would want to make things work together, even if it means compromising on their own sexual preferences to make sure their partner is happy. So, how important is sex to you and is it a deal breaker? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below! Also read: Is Marrying Young Only For The Rash and Reckless?

The first thing my parents said when they found out about my boyfriend was, “why a Chinese?” Tim* and I have been together for four years, of which three-and-a-half years were spent hiding our relationship from my parents. For that long and agonising three-and-a-half years, my parents had no clue that I was even dating. Or perhaps they had suspected and just didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that their Indian daughter was dating a Chinese boy. Whenever my boyfriend and I hung out, we would avoid going to places where my parents could be at. I would lie to my mom almost everyday. She'd ask, "where are you going?" and I would say, "to meet a friend." Lie. "Which friend? What's their name?". Another lie. Not only was it exhausting to lie, I hated myself for doing so. I felt guilty for keeping such a big secret from the people I should be the closest to. Many times, I considered telling them the truth. My friends kept encouraging me to come clean with them too. It's not like I didn't have a choice that I had to resort to lying, but I was just too afraid. My parents have never been super strict, but they are what you would call "typical Indian parents", which if you've heard anything about, you would know they can be pretty scary when enforcing their beliefs. So it was lies upon lies, upon lies. We were cautious, careful, as we should be as an under-the-radar couple. Until one day, Tim sent me home only for us to bump into my dad at the void deck.

F**K.

My dad wasn’t supposed to come home at that time, but there he was, and he saw Tim. What followed was an awkward conversation in the lift with my dad. "Who is that boy?" "He's just a friend." He obviously didn’t buy that. I mean, which guy friend would send a girl home without any particular reason right? When we reached home, his exact words to my mom were, “you should ask your daughter to bring her boyfriend home next time.” I sighed as I shut myself in my room, ignoring whatever conversation my parents were going to have. Well, shit. That was it. There was no point trying to hide it anymore. A million thoughts ran through my mind. On one hand, I was relieved, but there were so many worries that came after: Were my parents going to disown me? Were they going to tell every living relative about how I've brought shame to their family name? Were they going to force me to break up with Tim?

THE TRUTH IS OUT

No one spoke about the incident until the following night's dinner, and it was a conversation I hoped never came. My parents asked about 'the boy that dropped me home'. They wanted to know how old he was, what he does, what his parents do - the usual stuff. But they also asked me the one dreaded question, "why a Chinese?" How was I supposed to answer that?

I didn’t look at his race when I fell in love, I fell in love with the person he is.

I tried to convince them that it didn’t matter that he was Chinese. But they were adamant on the same thing – “He’s not a Hindu”. They refused to see him for who he is as a person. They only saw him as not Hindu. I was frustrated and hurt. They hadn't even met him and they were already dismissing him and our relationship. They wouldn't even give him a chance just because of his race. It was illogical, but at the same time, expected. My family has always been conservative. My parents never outrightly forbade me from dating a Chinese but it was heavily implied that bringing home a boy of a different race was frowned upon. On the other hand, Tim's parents knew about our relationship and have accepted me as part of the family a long time ago. I had found a second family in them, joining them for significant family gatherings like Chinese New Year dinner and birthday parties. I love my parents, but even I have to admit they can be pretty racist. Over the years, my mother would make comments on how Indians are better than other races, how we are more "elite". I'm not entirely sure where this racism stems from. Having known Hindus who converted out of their faith, she might have feared that her children will do that too. Perhaps that's why she would always tell my brother and I, “no matter what, don’t tarnish my religion.”

THE ULTIMATUM

Which is why when I tried to persuade them to meet him before blatantly disapproving our relationship, they gave me an ultimatum instead:

“I’m giving you two years to think about it. We’ll talk about this then.”

They wanted me to to think about a relationship that they didn't see a future in. Me being me, I told her to think about it too. It might have felt like a 'power move' when she dished that out but the two-year ultimatum seems like a joke now. To me, it felt like an excuse for my parents to not deal with it. Because I had thought about it, about everything that could possibly cause a conflict between us, and race and religion were the last things on that list. Because of this ultimatum, my life and relationship with Tim have come to a standstill for the next two years. While my friends are applying for a BTO, getting engaged, or making wedding plans, all I’ll be able to do is look at my Facebook feed and sigh over the predicament my parents had put me in.

LOVE VS FAMILY

I'm afraid of where I will be in two years. I don't want to be in a position where I'll have to eventually choose between my boyfriend and my parents.

"How am I to choose between my partner and my parents?"

How is anyone to choose between the person you want to spend your future with and the people who brought you into this world and to the person you are today? I owe my parents everything and I can't possibly build a future without them in it. Neither can I picture a future without my current partner. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but let's face it, many of us do things just for our parents. It could be something like going to a school our parents preferred or having children because our parents want us to. We do these things out of filial piety, even though it may not be what we really want. Sometimes I wonder, "why can't my parents just be happy in the fact that I'm happy?" In a world where it's difficult to find someone you are committed to love and whom is committed to love you back, it's a wonder I had found it at all. It's been 6 months since they gave me the ultimatum, which means I have another 1.5 years to hope for my parents to have a change of heart. For them to realise that when it comes down to it, race or religion does not and should not define us or our relationship. And I really pray that I will not have to choose between a 6 year relationship with a partner I see my future with and family. *Name has been changed to protect the identity of the individuals. Also read: It’s 2018 – Why Are We Still Paying Wedding Dowries?.

The LGBT movement in Singapore has come a long way. But no matter how far we’ve progressed, there seems to be a brick wall limiting how far more the movement can go. Pink Dot has been painting Hong Lim Park with the colours of Gay Pride every year since 2009. More people are coming out with the help of advocates and media platforms that share their stories, like Dear Straight People. Despite the increase in visibility and conversations surrounding LGBT today, however, there’s still no real change. We are stuck in a time where our society seem to be generally more progressive, but our constitution remains traditional, with many ‘LGBT things’ that are still illegal in the eyes of the law.

LGBT People Are Criminals?

While LGBT people can live normally among us without having to worry that they will be stoned to death if they were to walk down the street hand-in-hand, they still lack many of the legal rights that non-LGBT people have. Same-sex relationships are not recognised under the law and it’s evident in many areas from not being able to be legally married (Section 12 of the Women’s Charter) and having kids to issues with housing and assets distribution after death. In 2017, a couple lost their BTO because their marriage was voided. and all because the man went for a sex change, rendering their same-sex marriage invalid.  I personally know a gay man who had to go through the trouble of flying overseas, paying six-digit sums for assisted reproduction, marrying the surrogate mother then divorcing her, just so that he could be legally recognised as the father to his biological children. Such are the lengths that LGBT people have to go to for something that is so normal for non-LGBT people. Then, there’s the much-contested Section 377A of Singapore's Penal Code, which prohibits two men from having sex with each other, even if it’s done in private. Although this law hasn’t been actively enforced, with only nine people convicted under this provision between 2007 and 2013.

In case you’re aren’t aware yet, the Penal Code used to criminalise “carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animals" under Section 377. It was tabled for repeal during the the 2007 Penal Code Review, but not Section 377A. Nominated Member of Parliament Siew Kum Hong presented a petition for the repeal of Section 377A but the Parliament opted to keep Section 377A, which criminalises male homosexual conduct specifically. <a href=" explained, “public morality does not target female homosexual conduct in the same way as it targets male homosexual conduct.” Also, “female homosexual conduct is either less prevalent or is seen as being less repugnant than male homosexual.” In other words, the authorities have opted to keep it illegal for men to have sex with each other (but not women) because they felt that Singaporeans weren’t ready to completely accept homosexual behaviour, particularly homosexuality between men, and that the society is more unaccepting of gays compared to lesbians. To be awfully honest, I agree with that notion.

Are We Really Ready?

Singapore doesn’t seem to be ready to accept the LGBT movement and community. Look at the controversy surrounding Cathay Cineleisure’s advertisement of Pink Dot 2017. Someone had complained about the advertisement and its “supporting the freedom to love” tagline because to them, that goes against family values. That complaint had led the authorities to call for Cathay to remove the tagline but Cathay stood firm with their decision to run the ad in the end, and I applaud them for standing up against such complaints and the authorities. It isn’t easy for big names or brands like Cathay to stand for a cause so controversial in Singapore’s society. In a society where discrimination lies even within certain laws, and where LGBT messages are still frowned upon by older generations and discussed in hushed exchanges among the more conservative. Another good example of why it’s hard for renowned brands or names to stand up for the cause is when popular local influencer, Hirzi, became an ambassador for Pink Dot 2017. Hirzi came under fire for standing for the LGBT movement for a myriad of reasons, mainly for going against his religion, Islam. In numerous interviews, he shared about how he had lost friends, been spat on his face, and been told not to associate himself with brands he was working for, after he became a Pink Dot ambassador.

“Brands have literally said, “We know it’s fashion week, and we already approved you guys already, wearing the outfits, but can you don’t tag us because we are a heterosexual brand.” Quote taken from Studio AC’s interview with Hirzi

In the Studio AC video interview, Hirzi also shared a case where a friend of his was discriminated against because of her sexuality. Someone had wanted to hire her dance crew to perform at an event but had requested for her to not be part of the performance, just because she’s a transsexual. It is pretty clear that the brand or event organiser was concerned about having a trans as part of the event or performance; That they felt that having a trans on their stage was too much of a negative association to have with their brand or event. And that shows exactly how closed-minded our society still is. The organiser may have done that to prevent possible complaints from event attendees. But that is the problem.

Don’t leave it to political leaders to lift the weight

The authorities are waiting to see if Singapore and Singaporeans are ready for such ‘radical’ change. But brands and Singaporeans aren’t stepping up to stand for the LGBT movement because the law doesn’t favour the movement. It’s a vicious cycle. We need to break that cycle. Every coming out story in the media and every brand representation in support of the LGBT movement add up. Brands and opinion leaders need to pave the way for more open conversations. It can be hard to start, but all it takes is one party to create the ripple effect. It could be as simple as showcasing portraits of LGBT people, which is exactly what internationally renowned photographer Leslie Kee did. The Out In Singapore project, which culminated in an exhibition that opened yesterday, features 150 portraits of the “diverse faces of the local lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer community and humanise what it means to be LGBTQ.”

By shedding a gentle spotlight on these LGBT individuals, the project was a way to create conversations and normalise LGBTQ. For some of the individuals, it was even a chance for them to come out. As a non-LGBT millennial who grew up in a 100% heterosexual family (including extended family), we never outrightly talked about anything LGBT. However, it is an unspoken understanding that being LGBT ‘is not the way to go’ to my parents and their generation. I see it from the way they joke about gays and hear it from their derogatory tone when discussing LGBT topics. There’s still a stigma surrounding this movement in the older generations and it is a longstanding battle. But it’s a battle that our generation, who are more receptive of the LGBT movement, have to help fight. If we continue to be accepting but apathetic, there will never be progress. As such, more has to be done to also help our society to be more open-minded and receptive. Covering your child’s eyes or telling them not to become like ‘those LGBT people’ when they grow up isn’t going to help. We need to be more open-minded as to being able to separate religion and sexuality. Some religions have strict beliefs in sexuality, and that’s completely fine. But just as everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, we should learn to agree to disagree. We need to be more willing to listen. Take notes from these Christians who went to a pride parade to apologise for the way they or fellow Christians have been treating the LGBT community. Also, as Hirzi shared in the interview with Studio AC, standing for a cause is a completely different narrative from the person you are. If I were to pledge my support to the handicapped, it doesn’t mean that I am handicapped. Nor does it mean that I am promoting the handicapped. It merely means that I empathise with the handicapped people and am showing that I accept and embrace them as part of our society. Also read, My Sexuality, My Right: “A Stranger Wanted Me To Apologise For My ‘Lesbian Appearance'”. (Header Image Credit: Calvin IG@calvinavigator via Pink Dot 2017) *Article Revised: We have corrected some of the facts that the writer has inaccurately presented on certain sections of the Penal Code. We are sorry for the mistake.