Her home had become a place of solace for her, a fortress she can’t bear to leave.Likewise, this is the case for the many hikikomori in Singapore, who have taken to forums to pour the feelings that they have hidden away from their friends and family.
“Maybe we were too sheltered. Maybe we were too spoiled and everything comes to us easy and without any barriers. Back then, I felt that no matter how useless I was, I would still be able to live comfortably, or still be able to live somehow.”An avid fan of Disney’s classics, Josh had a grandiose dream of being a 2D Animator for Disney. When news broke that Disney closed down their 2D animation company, his hopes and dreams were dashed. Dejected, he let himself waste away, passing the days by gaming and watching anime at home.
In fact, most, if not all, hikikomori hate the plight that they put themselves in, and they are ashamed of it.“When I was hikikomori, I lost all desire for wants. Normal things like going to movies or buying expensive new things don’t interest me anymore. I don’t know why I exist, to be honest. Sometimes I can feel my parents’ disappointment in me and I don’t feel good too,” shares Andrea. They have confined themselves to their homes, but most hikikomori actually want to return to society. However, the fear and anxiety of how society may react to them. Even if they manage to take the first step out of their homes, they are plagued by this constant fear that they are being judged by those around them, afraid that the world wouldn’t come to accept them because of their past. Maika Elan, a Photographer exploring the topic of hikikomori, shared on National Geographic that “Over time, hikikomori lose whatever self-esteem and confidence they had, and the prospect of leaving home becomes ever more terrifying. Locking themselves in their room makes them feel ‘safe’.” Similarly, Andrea admitted that the very paranoia of being judged for being a hikikomori is the toughest obstacle she had to overcome. She would often slip back into isolation because of it. Thanks to volunteer work at a church, Andrea was able to break out of the hikikomori syndrome. She eventually managed to land herself a job through one of the other volunteers. As for Josh, he stumbled upon the animes Re:Zero and Konosuba, which shifted his perspective on life. Both shows feature male protagonists who were hikikomori and Josh was able to relate to them strongly. “In Re:Zero, it tells us that no matter where you are, nothing’s going to change if you don’t put in any effort to take charge and improve yourself.” Witnessing his friends’ success also pushed him to eventually change his lifestyle.
“What gives them the drive to keep doing what they do? Why are they set on improving themselves and going out there to find jobs and socialise, and to be proactive with their lives?”These were the questions that Josh posed to himself, and subsequently embarked on a quest to uncover. “Sometimes it’s hard, but you just have to remember that there are other people out there who are struggling and still trying their best as well.” Today, he works as a Digital Designer, which is not too far off from his initial dream. Although, there are others who struggle to break out. “It all started after he finished his degree overseas and came back. He didn’t find work and just stayed at home gaming and surfing the net. We’d ask him to come out for coffee or meals but he’d always turn us down.” Tim*, a male in his 30s, shares with me about his friend who has been a hikikomori for over 10 years. “I’ve a feeling that the shame of being long unemployed while everyone else is working just drives him to become a hikikomori. I guess his parents still buy him food or give him spending money so he doesn’t need to force himself to get a job.”
“There’s only so much that others can help you with. Only you can change yourself. Even if it’s for your parents or yourself, I hope you will find it in you to want to get better.”“We all are living for a reason. We need to reflect on that more often, to put our lives into perspective. Once things are in perspective, it will all make sense in the end.” “After all, life exists and thrives beyond these four walls, but it’s up to us whether or not we want to open the door to live.” *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals. Also read: It’s The 21st Century, Why Do We Still Treat Maids Like Slaves? (Header Image Credit: Unsplash)
Image Credit: Travis Wong
“Do I really need to give them an off day?”I cannot vocalise how sad it is when I visit the homes of friends or family and see that the resting spot for their domestic worker is literally that one mattress hidden away at the back of the kitchen, or in a cramped storeroom. From how frequent I’ve seen such arrangements, it seems that this is considered normal. Often, employers find that they do not have a choice as there is no other space in the house for the worker. However, would you put someone up in the storeroom, surrounded by household items, if that someone is a friend or family member? I’d like to think as domestic workers as a part of the family, since they are going to be spending their life with the family, though to some employers, domestic workers are still merely workers. I spoke to a freegan in Singapore, Colin, who runs a project that blesses Filipina domestic workers with dumpster dived items that they or their family back at home can benefit from. He spoke of some alarming things he has heard from these Filipina about their employers. There are employers who would steal their domestic worker’s items. Then, there are employers who would rather cut up clothes they no longer want than pass it on to their domestic worker. I’m making a wild guess that these employers think of domestic workers as unworthy - that these workers cannot possess too many material goods. Whether it’s pride, ego, or some masochistic need to assert their authority, I do not know. A lot of us are also uncomfortable with the idea of our domestic workers having their own social life here. Similar to how we don’t like to think of our own family member and their sexual relationships, it is hard to think about our helper getting involved that way. It’s also a worry that their romantic relationships get in the way of them performing on their job. Though, the most alarming of it all is when employers practice superiority in their everyday actions. My mother was once approached by our neighbour’s domestic worker in the lift, who asked my mother if we had any leftover food we could give her. Upon probing, my mother learnt that the domestic worker was only allowed to eat the family’s leftovers (if there are even any). They even bought a separate loaf of bread just for her, as they did not want her to be eating the same food the family eats. It was a shocking discovery. Not just because it is a family that has been living right beside us all this while, but because we couldn’t tell at all. We couldn’t tell that beneath the facade of a friendly family with two toddlers and a grandmother, they would do such a thing as to locking their domestic worker at home alone when they go on holiday. Colin had also told me about having met this Filipina who was so happy to receive a plain plastic cup that is of no value to most people. This domestic worker was scolded for using a cup to drink water on the first day she was at her employer’s home - the employer told her that these cups are theirs, and that she is not allowed to use their cups.
She also once said to me, “people like you never [use to] exist,” and, “people like you put us through so much pain and shame.”My dad told me that he was not going to judge me but God will, and reiterated that he will never ever change his mind on marriage being only between a male and female. I used to be suicidal. Coming out was my way of preserving my life and to respect the life that my parents have given me. Yet, my parents can only see this as my greed — that I am being selfish and trying to hurt them by being transgender. It really breaks my heart to be rejected by the people who brought me up, and whom I still love dearly. It is the very reason why I feared coming out to them in the first place. It is also disappointing that none of my brothers (except for one) ever acknowledged me for who I am either, or to be there for me.
I don’t know if I can ever truly be the person I want to be — someone who is kind, and all the positives — but I think my suffering has really opened my eyes.
The rate of suicide among transgender individuals is very high. Being able to confront my denial and feelings has helped to phase out the many suicidal thoughts I use to have, because I now know who I want to be and how I want to live. Because of what I went through, I am able to persevere. However, there are many, many people who do not have the resources or support they need, and it is very hard for them to break out.
Being able to look inward and confront myself has changed my life, and it is the one thing I hope for those who are going through similar situations: Look within yourself, and learn to be vulnerable.
This story is written by Millennials of Singapore, as told to us by the featured individual.
-
Editor's note:
This is a personal story and not a generalisation of the community. We have included specific mentions of a religion in this article solely for context purposes, the Millennials of Singapore team does not condone religious discrimination and persecution.
Also read: My Sexuality, My Right: “A Stranger Wanted Me To Apologise For My ‘Lesbian Appearance'".
“I didn’t even dare to do it initially! I watch a lot of videos until I’m very sure and got the PHD already then I went to try.”Colin later found that his food, merchandise, and monthly expenses dropped to less than $100 after he started dumpster diving. The beginning of the Filiporean Project came on his fourth day, when he took home a bag of good quality female clothes, which was later passed on to a Filipina.
“A freegan is someone who rejects consumerism and seeks to reduce waste, especially by retrieving and reusing discarded items.”As defined in the Facebook group and reiterated by both Colin and Daniel, freegans do see the need to spend money on things that they can get for free. In the middle of my interview with Daniel at McDonald’s, he got up suddenly, “wait ah, wait ah,” only to return with a used straw, which he proceeded to wipe with paper napkins before using it to stir his cup of tea. He explained how this is one of the many things that encompasses the freegan philosophy. “You’re signalling to the company that they need to put more straws, but that’s not good for the environment. But if you take one that somebody has already used, you’re not creating any more demand.” While Daniel’s rationale made sense, I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of contamination. Who knows what people do with straws, or their utensils, or food after they are done with it. I shuddered at that thought, but also felt guilty for my nonchalance in using plastics. On the flipside, Daniel had only ever gotten food poisoning from food that was bought. “Because I know it’s rescued food, I’m a lot more stringent and careful.” As a general practice, freegans like Daniel practice the Look-Smell-Taste test method to determine whether a certain food product is safe to eat. Obviously, meat with maggots crawling around is out of the question, and for Daniel, so are dented, rusty, or bloated cans of food. Expired food however, are one of the common foods that freegans rescue for consumption. As Colin best puts it, “Most [locals] think that food spoils one second after midnight of the best before date. But we freegans believe that food is not equipped with a self destructive device that can activate itself at the stroke of midnight of the expiry date. Daniel had even had 12-years-expired chicken essence. Even though the initial thought of consuming something that has expired for 12 years did make his stomach churn, Daniel explains that it is most a psychological reaction that can be overcome by testing it out. As leaders in the dumpster diving and freegan community, Colin and Daniel are what Colin refers to as ‘Rambo dumpster divers’ who map out their attack route, and dig and grab every good thing they see.
https://www.facebook.com/millennialsofsingapore/videos/604032170054484/
A fellow millennial in her first full-time job as a teacher, Bianca usually dumpster dives with her boyfriend. Although their dumpster diving ‘trips’ are never planned, Bianca has found herself rescuing bags of clothes and assortments of housewares for her family, boyfriend, friends, and herself. “It’s usually when we are walking to my block from the bus stop for example, and we’ll just check the bins along the way.” Bianca also often does barter trades and gives away rescued items on the various dumpster diving and freegan groups online. Unlike Colin and Daniel who started for practical reasons, Bianca’s interest in dumpster diving germinated from a concern for the environment. “The whole thing started when I watched some PETA videos in Secondary school. I started realising that whatever we consume, be it shampoo, soap, or anything we use on a daily basis, have an impact on the environment.” Knowing that her spending money on certain companies indirectly supports them in their cruel practices, Bianca began to switch to companies which are ethically or environmentally conscious in their business practices. It was when she went on a ‘clothes fast’ in 2016 to curb her shopping addiction when she realised that she didn’t need a lot of material goods in her life. “I didn’t buy any clothes for one year. Dumpster diving came along shortly after the clothes fast. I realised that if I can do with fewer clothes, I can do with fewer things. At the same time, I thought, maybe I don’t need to buy stuff, I can just look out for free stuff.”
Copyright © 2023 GRVTY Media Pte Ltd (Co. Reg. 201431998C). All Rights Reserved.
