What is $200 to you?

To a wealthy person, it is probably loose change. On the other end of the spectrum, the same amount could very likely feed an entire family for a month.

Money has always been a concern in our lives. After all, it is the only tangible currency that dictates our lifestyle. That is, unless you lead an ascetic life.

For average citizens like you and me, the ever increasing costs of living in Singapore continues to be a worry and that little voice nagging at the back of our minds every time we spend.

A lot of us also grapple with the fear of not being able to ‘afford our life' when we grow old, frail, and sickly. But when I look at how our mothers (and fathers) have saved up very decent (five-figure) sums of money not just for themselves but also for us, their children, it makes me wonder: How the heck did they do it?

Considering the circumstances in which our parents grew up made me genuinely wonder why we struggle with finances now. With the generally lower income they would have drawn compared to our salaries today, it should not be too difficult for us to achieve the same kind of financial stability and still lead a fairly comfortable lifestyle, right?

Maybe not.

Being Barely Financially Literate

Awhile back, I penned my thoughts on my future in Singapore, where I shared the fears I have and the uncertainty of whether I’d be able to afford (a graceful) retirement in Singapore. To which I believe is the same concern felt by many Singaporeans.

Over the last couple of months however, life milestones like marriage and home ownership has made me realise how clueless I had been with money.

Yes, of course. There are many factors to consider. Our policies, the ten-fold increase in housing prices, and inflation are all changes that has made it more challenging for us. But these are all areas that we have no control over, and are complex topics to debate over as itself.

On a more personal level, I have come to realise how little we know about money and affordability in our day-to-day lives.

“What does it mean to live within our means?”

It's a question that is so important, yet so hard to answer.

A lot of us spend based on our whim and fancy, not caring too much about whether we can afford it or not. Or rather, we spend based on a very vague assessment of whether we will be able to afford our meals (and necessities) for the rest of the month without going ‘broke’.

The problem with this is that when you add personal desire into the equation, you can bid logic and pragmatism goodbye.

Take for instance how we will usually avoid spending more than $20 on a meal, but we wouldn’t hesitate to spend $200 on a ticket to watch our favourite artiste live in concert.

It's exactly what 29-year-old Zafirah would do. $200 can be used to finance two to three weeks worth of her expenses, but like many Singaporeans, her spending is also very sporadic. As another millennial I spoke to explained, the amount he spends “is totally proportionate to how much of a life I have that week.”

While Zafirah avoids spending too much on lunches, she is willing to splurge on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, as well as concerts of her favourite artistes and on holidays.

“Beyond the price I look more at whether it's value-for-money. Even if I splurge or 'go big', I try to find vouchers and promos to reduce my spending. Like right now, I'm eyeing the Dyson Airwrap but I just can't justify spending $600 on a hairdryer.”

Value Is Arbitrary

All of us attach a different value to the same amount of money, and even on the same amount of money, we perceive value differently based on context.

Take for instance a literal comparison of apple to apple. $5 apples Vs. $55 premium apples. The $50 difference is a lot for fruits. However, $50 is not that big of a deal if you’re comparing long-haul flight tickets, and nothing when you’re looking at housing prices.

There are also those who end up being in debt for years after spending a bomb on achieving their dreams, like a dream wedding—a once in a lifetime affair. A 2016 TNP article shared the struggles faced by a couple who spent $110K on their big day, which left them with a four-year debt.

Is the $110k considered affordable or not then?

Because the value of money is so intangible, it is very hard not to have a biased perception of value, which makes it very hard to discern whether one can really afford something or not. Personal preference, the context of which we're spending, and our earning power all affects our perception of value.

If there’s one question I dread the most in a job interview, it’s “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I don’t even know what I want for lunch, let alone the next five years of my life. Sure, I’ve been taught model answers to impress employers, but that doesn’t take away the fact that it’s honestly a freaking scary commitment to make.

Recently, a Redditor posed this question to Singaporeans:

“Corporate slaves, how do you stop dreading going to work every day?”

To which the top reply began with “Welcome to work life bro.”

Indeed. Welcome to work life.

As a (relatively) young Singaporean who has come to realise the importance of money in modern day life, this is highly relatable. When I first graduated into the working world, I was on hindsight, naively idealistic. “Money isn’t everything,” I used to proudly proclaim. “I’d rather earn little doing what I like than be paid well doing something I hate.”

However the truth is, the moment you start becoming financially independent is the moment you realise that money is important.

Yet, the scariest part of this ‘welcome to the work life’ notion is how everyone of us relate to it. It is scary because there’s this sense of aimlessness and purposeless that is so pervasive in our society.

This concept of us having to work till we die just to survive in Singapore isn’t new.

All my life, I’ve heard people sigh over not knowing what they truly want in life (myself included). A lot of us end up just cruising through, hoping that someday, somehow, we will find a deeper purpose. And until we do, we will continue to put up with jobs that we convince ourselves to stay in, and we will continue to despair over having to spend nine hours a day, five days a week for the rest of our lives, selling our soul to work just to earn money to live.

We’re But A Nation Of Corporate Zombies

It’s a problem of the privileged. For our previous generations and the poor, the need for survival far outweighs the luxury of achieving ideals in one’s career.

However, having grown up in an entirely different world where survival isn’t a concern, the many opportunities we have been given have inadvertently spoilt us. Where there isn’t that pressure of survival, what we face is a deep longing to chase something that fulfils us. And for many of us, we either don’t know what fulfils us, or we are too afraid to chase it.

Perhaps it’s our upbringing. We're all moulded according to a default educational structure set out for the masses. Grades were everything and scoring well in school pretty much determines one’s journey ahead—score well and be rewarded a smooth-sailing journey ahead, else, be prepared to work extra hard in the future just to reach a level playing field.

And when there's no more academic excellence to pursue, it is very easy for one to feel lost. We have never been taught to pursue excellence in non-academic interests, or rather, it is always not a priority compared to scoring well in our English, Math, and Sciences.

Having worked with batches of interns across the various jobs I’ve done, I can confidently say that a lot of JC, polytechnic, and university graduates don’t really know what they want to do or where to go after they graduate.

“Maybe I’ll travel first lor, see how.”

“Not sure leh, see what opportunities there are out there first.”

Everyone is just lost. There’s no clear direction in life. When we have reached that point of our life, no one’s there to tell us what to study or what to do anymore. And that can be very scary for a fresh graduate, because we want to prove our worth. Even our first job has to be ideal, because we know how important a first job is and how it is going to affect our resume and portfolio.

Many youths I’ve spoken to who has taken a gap year shared how they’ve had to convince their parents, because taking one year to ‘find yourself’ is a waste of time in their parents’ eyes. However, it is often this one year of exposure and experience in the ‘real world’ that matures us. For some, it is what helps them find purpose, or at least, it is what shows them what they absolutely do not want to do. But I believe there is also a large number of people who teeter on, just getting a job for sustenance and wishing for change to happen.

Nothing’s Going To Happen, Bro.

However, purpose is also a choice. And a lot of us end up never finding our purpose because we are too afraid to pursue what we want.

Most of the time, it is not that we don’t know what we want in life, but we are too afraid to acknowledge those dreams we have. Pursuing dreams is hard work and as with anything, a risk.

It could be that we are worried about finances—what if we lose money? It could be the self-doubt and fear that we aren’t good enough to ‘make it’ in Singapore’s ultra competitive landscape. Along with that, there’s the fear that we will be wasting time if our efforts go to nothing. Even with advice like ‘don’t be afraid to fail’, the possibility of failure and ‘losing face’ from failing is terrifying, and it deters a lot of us from dipping our toes into new territories.

We end up creating excuses to convince others and ourselves to stay within our comfort zone. At the end of the day, we just follow through the motions, waiting for something to happen. This will cause anyone to get jaded very easily and very quickly.

The only way to find purpose and be happy with our life is to figure out what we truly want and more importantly, to work for it. And it’s encouraging to see more and more Singaporeans quitting their corporate lives in their late twenties to thirties to pursue what they’ve always wanted to do: in starting their own fashion label, running their own hawker stall, and many more.

There’s no way to achieve perfection in all aspects of life because life is just that short. It really goes down to knowing what we want to prioritise.

It doesn’t matter if we are driven by money or if it’s a desire to do social work, because as long as we know what to work for, half the battle is won. Because only then will we be able to figure out what we can do in our everyday lives to fulfil ourselves. And nothing ever comes easy, so either we get busy living, or get busy complaining.

Also read: A Letter To The Singapore Government, From A Young Singaporean.
(Header Image Credit: <a href="

At 5am where most of us would have still been deep in slumber, Phra CK gets out of bed. Like the other monks who are residing at Palelai Buddhist Temple at Bedok, waking up at the crack of dawn is nothing out of the ordinary.

It’s an impossible feat for most of us, but for Phra CK and the other monks we saw when we visited the temple two weeks ago, this is a lifestyle that they have long accustomed to.

Back when Phra CK was training in monastics in Johor, meditation sessions start as early as 4am every day. Over at Palelai Temple, the first agenda starts at 6am daily—the morning chant.

6.00AM - Chanting

So there I was, at the start of my day where I will tail Phra CK to find out what a monk’s life is like in Singapore. 34 this year, Goh Chun Kiang is a monk by choice and was one of the youngest in Singapore to be ordained at 23 years old.

In a video interview with us later on, Phra CK shared how he wanted to be a monk ever since he was a primary school kid. Seeing the conflicts between his mum and dad back then made him think about the meaning of true happiness. Then, the shows he watched and books he read further influenced his perspective of wanting to be a monk.

Now a ‘full-time monk’, he resides in Palelai Temple and lives according to the daily agenda set out by the temple.

Together with the Millennials of Singapore team, we sat in silence at the back of the main shrine as we waited for the morning chant to start. The only sounds were the occasional creaks from when the wall fans oscillated. The monks entered singly, each of them finding their own spot in front of the Luong Pho Phra Buddha Jinaraj. And as everyone waited in silence, I actually felt like I would on a very relaxing holiday—calm and with a clear mind.

The temple is open to the public and while we were there, a few people came by for a short prayer and offer incense. A handful joined the morning chant, although, Phra CK shared that the evening chants usually see more crowd.

There is a rack at the back of the hall with chanting books as well, so members of the public can refer to the book and chant along if they wish to.

Midway through the session, I took a copy to attempt to follow the monks in chanting. After flipping through the pages, I gave up, for I had no idea where they were already at. And it was in Pali language.

When I caught up with Phra CK later, I asked how he even managed to memorise approximately 30 minute worth of chants and what more, in a language that doesn’t come naturally to us.

“If you’re talking about intensive memorisation, it took me a month to remember.”

These daily chants covers several aspects of Buddhism, of repentance, of dedication of merits, and of various teachings in Buddhism among others. For Phra CK, the daily chants is also a sort of recollection of the fundamentals in Buddhism and monastics. The chants help him stay mindful.

6.30AM - Breakfast

Mindfulness is one of the key principles they practice in their life as a monk. Such that even during meal times, the monks have their food in silence even as they sat together at a round table.

The whole idea of mindfulness, Phra CK explained, is also to overcome desires.

The exception is if they have urgent matters that require them to talk over their meal. I guess that explains why their meal times are only 30 minutes.

We followed Phra CK to their meal area and watched from afar, for privacy reasons during their meal times.   

One of the temple volunteers later invited us to join the other volunteers for breakfast at the kitchen, when the monks were done with their meal—the dishes that are served to the monks are collected back to the kitchen area for volunteers’ consumption after.

When I saw the dishes, I was struck by the quantity and variety of dishes there were there—more than 10 plates of food. The dishes reminded of homecooked meals at my granny’s place: stir-fried vegetables, prawn with leek, carrot cake, and bread, among others. There were also about five plates of fruits like bananas, jackfruits, lychees, and apples.  

Unlike some sects of Buddhism that require one to be vegetarian, Phra CK and the other monks at Palelai Temple consider food a blessing from lay people, and they consume whatever is given to them, including meat.

7.00AM - Area Cleaning

Part of their daily morning routine includes an area cleaning right after breakfast. The scope of cleaning depends on the number of monks staying there and what there is to do on that day.

On that day, Phra CK was mopping the main shrine. On other days, he could be clearing rubbish or sweeping the floor.

8.30AM - Alms Round

At around 8.20am, we headed out to a neighbourhood market area at Tampines, together with another monk and five temple volunteers, who drove us there.  

Because being a monk means renouncing material wealth, they have to depend on lay devotees for their food. This is one of the reason they go out on their alms round daily, a traditional practice where they collect food from devotees.

Before this, I had, with my very limited knowledge and my misguided impression of monks, envisaged the alms round to be where they go around coffee shops or markets asking for food.

Instead, a crowd of devotees came up the moment the two monks took their spot at a central location in the middle of two coffee shops and the side of a supermarket. If you didn’t pay attention, you would have thought that people were rushing up to get freebies. The baskets and trolley the volunteers prepared were filled up within the first five minutes, and were wheeled away to be loaded up to the car by some of them.

A short 15 minutes later, we were back on the car headed back for the temple.

I asked Phra CK if the alms round is usually this short (and easy). He explained that at the beginning, it was more challenging as people didn’t understand what they were doing. There were even times where the Police has come up to check on them.

However, as the monks at Palelai Temple have already been following the same Alms Round schedule for more than 10 years, residents and devotees around are already familiar with this. The regular devotees will also have stand-by for the alms round when the time comes.

“Volunteers recognise the devotees, so once they see that they have more of less come already, then can go already.”

Although, this isn’t something that is practiced by every practicing monk. In certain countries, alms round is highly-frowned upon as natives see it as a shameful act of begging.

“This is why during the alms round, we have to look down and stay silent. We are not supposed to solicit donations. We cannot ask for anything, because that becomes begging, and we cannot speak or give any advice in return because this exchange becomes a form of trading.”

This is one of the ways you can tell bogus monks apart from the real ones.

Upholding A Strict Code Of Conduct

For those who have ordained and devoted their life to monastics, these are also just a few of the 227 rules that they have to abide by.

Some of the rules include basic ones like not lying and not killing, and those that lay people would find hard to live with: Not being able to accept or use money, not being able to laugh loudly, and even extremely specific rules like “not to use mattresses, cushions or cloths filled with cotton or kapok.”

Even meal times are ‘regulated’, as monks are not allowed to eat after noon. Thus, their second and only other meal for the day happens after the alms round at either 9.30am or 11.30am. I cannot fathom how I were to survive with not eating after 12pm, but for Phra CK, these things aren’t a big deal. It is all a matter of conditioning.

“Before I ordained, I went to study up on the rules. When I first read all of them, it was a bit ‘wow’. Initially, it looks impossible when you just read it, but when you apply it to daily life, you just get into it.”

In the end, these drastic lifestyle changes are possible because they have been trained. Nonetheless, there were many things that he admitted having to give up.

“A lot of things. Personal favourites like gaming. I used to love gaming. Music as well. But all of that were just temporary and we are trained to overcome such desires at the conditional retreat, before getting ordained. At the beginning, there was something like Cold Turkey. But over time, I just get used to it.”

As a monk, he dedicates the rest of his day (free time) to meditations, memorising chants for different rituals, and on his own assignments. He is also currently an advisor to a Buddhist youth network, and helps with leadership training, and interfaith training.

Now that Phra CK has pledged to an ascetic lifestyle, I learn that the only thing he is able to watch (by choice) are news and documentary films.

With no worldly pleasures to look forward to unlike possibly all of us, and no material wealth to strive towards, I wondered what, then, motivates Phra CK every day. Are monks really, like those corny Journey to the West kind of movies, just in search of achieving Nirvana?

“Yes. For me it’s spiritual money. Happiness.”

The ultimate goal as a monk is to be fully dedicated to overcome desires, and attain peace and happiness. However, it is contradictory to say that that is an end goal either, as it signifies desire.

“Monkhood for me is a full-time volunteer job, or a lifetime volunteerism. It’s a very personal spiritual cultivation.”

Most of us will never fully comprehend the life of monks and nuns in our lifetime. From our perspective, it is a big sacrifice on things that make up our life today, all to pursue a life that surrounds religious teachings. Furthermore, it is a devotion of one’s life in something so intangible.

After spending half a day with this 34-year-old Singaporean millennial however, I am reminded of how life is really that simple if you mean it to be. We just live in an entirely different world, with completely different perspectives of the world and of our existence. While we are caught up with trying to live a hedonistic lifestyle, being a monk for Phra CK is being free. Free from the need to seek fame, fortune, love, or any sort of material pleasure to live happily. Because at the end of the day, a fundamental tenet of monasticism is impermanence.

Why fret over all those things when we will all go one day?

Also read: 3 Millennials Who Prove That Age Isn’t A Barrier – Keeping Singapore’s Traditional Arts Alive.

It’s 9am on a Friday. I’m usually on the bus on the way to office at this hour (even though work’s supposed to start at 9am). Today, however, I am on my way to my neighbourhood coffee shops to make some friends with the uncles and aunties there.

As an introvert, I’d avoid most situations that require me to speak to strangers (ironic, considering my job as a writer), but today, it is my goal to better understand the lives of the older folks who seem to always be at the coffee shop in the morning, for hours at a time.

What do they actually talk about? How much time do they spend there? And for the sceptic in me; do they really have nothing else to do besides drinking kopi here every day?

I walked around the first coffee shop trying to find a strategic spot to park myself so I could voyeur and eavesdrop on conversations. Like any nondescript neighbourhood coffee shop on a weekday morning, the place is sparsely populated with mostly middle-aged to pioneer generation folks.

One table is occupied by what I presume to be a family of a 2nd generation Singaporean with her toddler and her elderly mother. As I dawdled down the corridor suspiciously eyeing the occupants of all the tables, this group of about 6 aunties caught my eye. One of them, who is on a wheelchair, is accompanied by a maid.

They must have been there for quite awhile. Their almost empty cups of coffee (or tea) were already pushed towards the middle of the table, and some of the cups has coffee stains that had already started to dry up on the sides of the cup.

The tables around them are all taken, and it will be very strange for me to be idling by the side of their table when there are other empty tables around. I threw the initial plan of voyeuring out and decided to approach them instead.

“Hello! I’m a reporter,” I greeted them chirpily with the limited amount of communicable Mandarin I can manage. “Can I join you all?”

After explaining that I was there to understand more about their lives as the older generation, the aunties around the table laughed and welcomed me.

“Aiya! Our life is like that lor, what about it?” They teased, in Mandarin. As I pulled a chair up, one of them jokingly asked if I was going to treat them to a meal. I played along.

As I chatted with them, I learnt that they had all met each other at this very coffee shop. It was all those years of having their breakfast there daily that have seen them gather over time to form this ‘breakfast group’. All retired, this has become a daily routine: They meet for breakfast at 8+am every day and stay on to chat about their lives, talking about anything from the vegetables they are going to get, to catching up on the lives of their children and grandchildren. It is exactly what one would expect of a typical Singaporean auntie.

The group will then disperse by about 10am, with each of them making their rounds at the market to stock up on groceries before heading home.

One of them in the group is Mdm Kang, who’s in her sixties and is one of the most eager to share in the group. Later, she tells me that all three of her children had already married and shifted out, and ever since her husband passed away many years ago, she has been living alone in her HDB flat nearby. Despite the circumstances, she seems to me like a free-spirit.

“一个人在家会闷, 就到处乱跑 lor.”
(I’ll be bored alone at home, so I’ll venture around.)

Sometimes, she’d travel all the way to Boon Lay to visit her son. At other times, if she is able to, she’d help to look after her grandchildren.

For all of them in the group, life is pretty much similar to how Mdm Kang spend her days—they go about each day “just like that”, eating and chatting with friends, working on the never-ending list of household chores, and spending time with their family. Sometimes, they will visit the resident’s corner or community centres for light activities.

As one of the aunties puts it, once you have reached that age, you are pretty much “jiak liao bee”, a Hokkien phrase which indirectly means that they are just sitting around waiting to be fed. Since they are no longer working and are all financially stable (enough), boredom is inevitable. Ultimately, it is all about the mindset that they have.

One, Mdm Tan, whom I spoke at another coffee shop later on, shared: “If you have been working for all these years and you suddenly stop, you will go ‘crazy’ very quickly. You have to find something to do to keep [your mind stimulated].”

For Mdm Tan, singing is one activity that she has been actively engaged in at her neighbourhood RC. It was also through there that she met a couple of her long time friends today, one of whom joined us midway after her morning exercise at the park.

I got to speak with one Mdm Ea, who is the youngest of the group of 6 aunties, after the rest left to buy groceries.

In her forties, she sees the other aunties in the group as her elder sisters. A freelance property agent, she tells me how she joined this group by chance when they noticed that she is also a regular there.

“This group of aunties are very happy-go-lucky. They are very warm and it’s a very community-spirit feeling. Like, one of them, the husband just went fishing recently and she brought the fish here and gave out to all of us.”

The group has become so tight-knitted that whenever one of them doesn’t turn up for their daily breakfast, the others will be concerned.

“They will really worry that something happened to you. So now when I go overseas, I will inform them.”

She shared that the rest of them are averagely in their sixties and have children that have all grown up and leading their own lives. Most of these aunties spend their days simplistically, spending their time with their family as much as possible.

However, for Mdm Ea especially, her life does not revolve around her only son, because she cannot afford to do that.

She explains:

“Of course, ideally our children will look after us, but they got their own lives to lead also. We cannot possibly rely on them to look after us completely.”

Her wish as a parent is to continue being a part of her child’s everyday life when she’s in her golden years. However, the pressures of work in an ultra-competitive society today has made her realise that this may not be the most practical arrangement.

“It’s very difficult for the younger generation these days because both have to work. Then they have their own family to support also.”

As such, Mdm Ea has, together with her husband, started to set aside their own retirement funds. In any case, she would rather plan for her own retirement than let it become a burden for her son.

Hearing this reminded me again on how our parents’ sacrifice last for their lifetime. It starts from the moment they give birth to us all the way till they leave. They always want the best for us and would often place our interests before theirs.

At another coffee shop, I spoke to one Mdm Tan. Also in her sixties, Mdm Tan also stressed the importance of having to plan for her own future without having to be dependent on her two children.

Her son had already married and shifted out, and her daughter will be following suit next year.

A trait of a typical Asian mother is how they find it difficult to ‘let go’ of their children. After all those years that they have invested into their babies and bringing them up, it can be hard when their babies are now grown adults leading their own, private life that does not necessarily include their mother in it.

From the times Mdm Tan repeated herself about how she has learnt not to intervene in her children’s life, I inferred that perhaps, there were conflicts that she had faced with her children in their life decisions, like her daughter’s choices in housing and wedding preparations.

Then, she said something that showed that no matter what, her love for her children will never falter: “What I can do is to see them grow up, get married, form their own family, and if they ever need anything, I’m just a phone call away.”

For both Mdm Tan and Mdm Ea, their ‘job’ as parents is to bring up their children the best they can and hope that they have cultivated a good person. And as grandparents or soon-to-be grandparents, they also know that the prime of years have long passed.

While our generation are going about our lives proving ourselves at work, romancing with our partners, and mingling with our friends, these aunties and uncles spend their days, for lack of a better description, ‘just like that’.

It is places like these, the coffee shops, resident corners, community centres, places that the younger generation like us pay no attention to, that continue to be to older folks what is to us our restaurant, bars, cafes, and chill out spaces. It is where they spend a substantial number of hours each day because otherwise, what else are they supposed to do when their home is empty?

As I continued chatting with Mdm Tan, I realised how the morning has taken me from wanting to learn about the life of the older folks at the coffee shops to being a confidante for them. When I finally bade goodbye to Mdm Tan, who was the last person I spoke to at the coffee shops that day, I was relieved. It reminded me why I always avoided chatting with aunties: they have a million things to talk about and sometimes, you just don’t know what to say but nod.

But then again, one day, I’ll be like them. We all will.

Also read: 65-Year-Old Mdm Rebecca’s Life: A Look At The Reality Of Singapore’s Privilege Gap.

Once, she served a case where violence was prevalent at home, and where the child bore the brunt of the violence. Despite the family having already gotten official protections under relevant laws in Singapore, the mother had continued to keep her husband around by choice, and out of fear that things would escalate if otherwise.

As a social worker on the case, she knew that the violence will continue to harm the mother and child under such an arrangement but there was only so much she could do as a third party. She almost had to close the case knowing that the abuse will continue.

This is just one of many cases that has haunted social worker, Gina, emotionally, because it is in her nature (and job) to help and she wasn't able to help them.

“I’d go home and think about it a lot, and it’ll bring me to tears.”

Sadly, this is part of the reality, she tells me. Ultimately, social workers like Gina can only do their best to process situations together with their clients and advise them in the hope that they will find it within themselves to make changes. She is in no position to force or impose anything on her clients, because it is their life to live after all.

“I had to really learn how to let go.”

Social Work Pushes A Person’s Emotional Capacity

Emotional exhaustion is an almost everyday challenge for social workers. For new social workers in the field especially, it is very easy to be overwhelmed, Gina explained.

“We don’t really know how to draw the line between work and personal life. But with time and experience you will have to learn self-care.”

Many times, Gina had returned home from a day at work, only to cry to herself thinking about her clients' situation and how heartbroken she is for them. It is worse when she thought that she had done her best and in whatever she could, only to see no progress.

“You feel very helpless. It’ll definitely affect you because these are lives we’re talking about. These are families that are presented in front of you.”

Having to deal with such emotions is twice as hard for Gina, because the self-professed empath takes on whatever the clients feel. In fact, she had to rule out her initial dream of being a nurse for she would find herself unable to function when she sees people in physical pain.

“Literally, when I see people being in pain, I take on that pain myself.”

A Calling In The Helping Profession

Social work came into the picture in Gina’s secondary school years. After gaining insights into what it encompasses from a friend from church who was a social worker, she realised that she, too, could do it. It was a perfect match for what she had been longing for, and it fit her personality well.

Several informal volunteer stints later, her mind (and heart) was set. The desire to do social work stuck with her all the way till when she was applying for university after JC.

“I realised that I really enjoyed the process of being in someone’s life for a moment, or to hear a story of someone and to assist them, or just to support them in some way.”

However, doubts naturally started to arise when she started getting comments that discouraged her from taking on what is seemingly a vocation with ‘no future’. And one of the biggest obstacles for her was getting approval from her parents to study social work in university.

“Initially, my dad was not very for it. I think he felt that, and a lot of people have this misconception that social work is like volunteering, and you don't get paid for this. So he thinks there’s no career progression [as well].”

There were also demoralising remarks from friends:

“Do you even need to study social work? Can't everyone do it?”

Thankfully, Gina managed to secure a scholarship, which paved the way for acceptance from her parents, as it symbolised to them the recognition of social work in the industry today.

In her course of study, she explained that students were taught about human development, and in short, the sciences behind human behaviour and how that knowledge helps them in knowing how to work with different groups of people. As part of the course, Gina has also had to complete 800 hours of internship.

However, even with all the counseling and coursework training, being out in the real world is another ball game altogether.

In an overseas social work opportunity, she has had to work with sex workers, of which many of them were tricked into working at the brothel. Not exactly trained in trauma work, she shared that while she managed to impart certain developmental skills to the ladies there, it was more an experience that humbled her greatly.

“It made me realise how fortunate I am. It made me realise how the world is so much bigger than myself.”

Many of us think it’s the end of the world when we face certain setbacks in our life, but comparing it to the ladies, Gina explains that it makes “you realise [that] it’s not such a great deal.”

We could be worrying about messing up a deadline at work, but many of the sex workers there come from poor or broken families who have been lured into the trade, and find themselves trapped.

Being A Social Worker Also Means Having 'Fight' Conventions

Besides her stint overseas, Gina have also, at times, had to go against society’s conventions.

Once, she had to convince a school (and herself) that it is the right thing to pull a student out before he completed his secondary school education.

The student was sent to the youth centre that she worked at, as part of a mandated six months programme for a crime he had committed. Gina later realised, and with most of the youth, that this youth was just misunderstood.

It’s common for teenagers to talk about wanting to quit school and although it was the same for the youth, he had also expressed interest in a vocation: making coffee.

“So it wasn't just because he just want to be lazy and not do anything. He just felt that academics really wasn't a fit for him.”

After processing his case and getting support from the parents to allow his son to drop out of school in return that he be sent for the barista training course, Gina sought support from the school. However, that was the biggest obstacle, and the principal even emailed her to question her intentions. It was, to any layman, a ridiculous request to allow a student to drop out of secondary school.

“For a while I questioned everything I did. Whether I’m ruining this child’s life. But my supervisor was very encouraging and after looking through my assessments again we decided it was for the best of the child.”

There was very bad blood between the school and the agency she worked at after the case but eventually, the youth went on to graduate from the barista training program, worked at a cafe, and was promoted to manager.

Gina added that when she went back to visit him one day, the youth had told her that “all his life, he felt that he couldn't do anything right, or that people kept telling him that he wasn't good enough, and now he finally feels like he’s actually good at something and is recognised for it.”

Besides her official work delegations, Gina has also continued to volunteer with various groups like Runninghour, an inclusive running club that promotes the integration of Persons With Special Needs (PWSN) through running

As somebody who loves sports and the outdoors, Runninghour offered a unique opportunity for her to combine her two passions – fitness and working with people in need. Running guides like herself take time off their busy schedules to run with PWSN who might be mildly-intellectually challenged, physically challenged, hearing challenged or visually challenged.

And for Gina, who has been actively volunteering with Runninghour for six years, it brings her back to why she even went into social work in the first place: To make an impact in some way.

“It doesn’t need to be significant. It can be as simple as assuring someone that they are special, valued, or loved. I guess my ultimate goal is to at least show a bit of love to people through my actions or words.”

---

As part of Runninghour, Gina will also be assisting in their upcoming Run for Inclusion 2019, Singapore's only mass running event where participants run alongside hearing, intellectually, physically and visually-challenged runners. If you're keen to contribute or be part of the community, head over here for more information.

This is not a sponsored post.

Also read: Dealing With Cancer By Running, And Being Called ‘Chao Keng’ For It.

(Header Image Credit: Gina)

Editor’s Note: Andrew passed away peacefully at 11:25pm on 31 August 2019. We'd like to extend our heartfelt condolences to Andrew's family and friends.

---

“It’s the absence of hope that makes cancer patients lose all sense of life.”

At 32, Andrew has only about four to six months to live, should his current treatments fail. He has Aggressive Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and it isn’t the first time medical treatments have failed on him. He had already gone through 10 rounds of what is supposed to be the most effective, available chemotherapy for his case, only for the cancer cells to return with a vengeance.

Within the span of less than a year, he has gone from optimistic and hopeful to terminally ill.  

When I first met Andrew about 9 years ago, he was an assistant producer at the place I interned at. In short, just an ordinary, healthy person who is few years my senior. Yet, when I met him at a cafe near his home earlier last week, he had to walk with the help of a cane. What used to be the physique of a sportsman is now this frail person with a slight hunchback, pallid face, and a bare head, save for a soft fuzz of hair that has started to regrow.

He was first diagnosed with stage 1 Aggressive Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a type of cancer that affects certain types of immune system cells, last June. The tumour has since grown to a point where he is unable to ‘survive’ without the use of morphine. The tumour growth near his lungs presses on his rib cage every time he takes a breath, causing him immense pain.

Back then, it was only by pure coincidence that the doctor stumbled upon the tumor.  

Stage 1 Only, No Biggie

It was only when Andrew checked himself into A&E for a high fever one night when they found out.

He had gone to the hospital as a precautionary measure, as he had a history with Pneumothorax (collapsed lung). Fearing complications that could have arose from the major surgery he did for Pneumothorax prior, the doctors ran some x-ray tests on him. The tests returned with signs of a tumour growth at the upper part of his chest.

Further biopsy tests identified it as stage 1 Lymphoma.

“Back then, the doctors were super confident—it wasn’t a complicated case. 90 percent of people who had this [cancer] at this stage have been cured.”

With that assurance and his strong belief in the medical system, he proceeded with the recommended treatments—chemotherapy—confident that it was nothing to worry about.

“I had great trust in our medical treatments. Like eh, stage one [only], what is this man! You know, I thought this will just be something like a few months ‘holiday’ where I go for treatments, then I’ll be out soon enough.”

Nobody would have expected that he was that 10 percent.

Instead of shrinking, the tumour grew from 8cm to 13.5cm. By this time, the cancer cells had began to spread to his other organs—the worst sign of any cancer. The 10 rounds of chemotherapy, which comprised of R-EPOCH therapy, and another stronger, RICE therapy, had failed.

As he went on to explain how chemotherapy works on cancer patients, Andrew added that it is something he would never wish upon anybody.

“It lives up to its reputation as a very uncomfortable process.”

The side effects of chemotherapy varies for each person. For Andrew, the sessions completely sucked the life out of him and made it impossible to palate anything.  “I would eat and then ‘Merlion’ everything out.”

Besides the nausea, lethargy, and hair loss, there was also a general uneasiness in his body which he could only describe as “an oily feeling,” and “it’s like your body is rejecting [what’s being done to it]”

Coming To Terms With The Truth

When he saw the PET scan and heard the doctor’s remarks, his first thoughts were: “So how long more do I have left?”

“I don’t want to be in a situation where I haven’t said my goodbyes and I haven’t done my final things before I pass away.”

Any cancer patient would have mentally prepared themselves for the worst, but knowing that the worst that they could expect came true is another thing altogether. The news gutted Andrew and his family.

A Christian, he had on many occasions questioned why God allowed this to happen to him. He questioned why it had to be him. Why it had to be cancer.

Acceptance only came later, and it came from the pain that he had to go through.

“There was one night I really thought I was really going to die.”

He recounted to me about the night a bad coughing fit left him curled up into a ball on his bed. Besides the physical pain he felt at his ribs and the stars he was seeing from it, it also broke his heart to see his mother crying by his bedside.

“My mum said that she wished she could take the pain from me. She said that she wished she could be the one who had cancer instead of me. For me, for a child to see your mother crying for you so helplessly, it was so painful.”

In our generation, a lot of us spend long hours at work or with our friends. It was no different for Andrew. Looking back at the times he had placed work and friends above time with his family, his biggest regret is not having spent enough time with his mother.

“Ultimately, during the most difficult time of my life it was my mum who sat at the side of my bed. She cannot do anything but sit there and cry, but it’s this kind of relationship that [reminds me that this is something] we should never compromise.”

When You’re In The Face Of Death

Andrew's everyday life now revolves around rest. His therapies leave him with little energy for anything else. Besides the 16 or 17 hours of sleep he needs a day, he spends his time on simple pleasures like reading, catching up with friends, or fulfilling his wanderlust through travel shows on Netflix.

Since the traditional treatment of chemotherapy has failed, he has gone on to alternative therapies, which works slower and have a lower success rate. And because his is an aggressive cancer, it is now a race against time—for the alternative therapy to save him before the cancer takes his life.

However, the prognosis, or ‘time till death’ is not something that the doctors can determine as he is on a relatively new treatment. If it does not work, he will only have up to six months to live.

“The truth for cancer patients is that we cling on to every bit of hope if possible because otherwise, there’s really nothing else to cling on to anymore.”  

Hope. It is the one thing that keeps Andrew alive despite being in the face of death. Besides, cancer is unlike the common cough and flu, where you know recovery is only a matter of time with the help of medications.

Reflecting on his journey, he tells me about how the worst part is when the doctor looks at him with a look of defeat—when they look like they have no idea what else to do.

“It’s the absence of hope that makes cancer patients lose all sense of life.

The fear of death is what makes people struggle with coming to terms with being terminally ill, he explained, and stressed the importance of seeing death as a happy closure. The change in mindset and the understanding that death is one end to the pain and suffering is what helped him accept death.

Last Words: Prioritise Happiness & Hold On To Hope

As someone who used to be extremely health conscious, Andrew joked about how he regrets not living life previously. "I used to actively clamp down on a lot of things believing that I have my health under my control. I should have just eaten whatever I want!”

Lymphoma, however, is one of those mysterious diseases that do not discriminate. He just happened to one who has it.

“I think we should live our life as happy as possible. Make a commitment to live as happy as possible. Happiness is now. Happiness is eating dinner with friends and family instead of doing paperwork at 9pm thinking that your boss and company will appreciate.”

For those who are also terminally ill, “Never stop fighting. Fighting on is a big part of fighting cancer.”

Many patients get very depressed and scared as they fear the ultimate result of cancer: death. However, one needs to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel and believe that the pain will end.

“You need to believe that it will not be darkness when you close your eyes for the last time. [For me,] that is the hope I need to cling on to because otherwise I will fall into depression.”

Even loved ones will not be able to help in this journey, for it is a very personal battle when it comes to accepting death.

“We need to cling on to something larger and stronger than ourselves,” Andrew emphasised.

“The moment we give up hope, the battle is lost.”

Also read: Meet The ‘Spiritual Guru’ Whose Job Is To Make You Rethink Your Life.

Singaporeans are always complaining about life in Singapore. Comments like “this is the gahmen we vote for,” and “not happy then migrate lor” have been commonplace on online forums and can be found on pretty much any post related to Singapore.

Even a recent post that mapped out the key financial stages for Singaporeans have managed to rouse the ire of some Redditors, who alluded their dissatisfaction of Singapore's governance through proclaiming their wish to leave for greener pastures.

Migrating seems to be the ultimate solution to every bit of law or policy that Singaporeans are pissed with. And it’s human nature—the grass is greener on the other side. But is it really?

One country that comes up every time someone talks about wanting to migrate is Australia. Many of us think that life is better Down Under, and we envy those who get to enjoy the slower pace of life there. This is based upon the sheer number of times we have heard stories of people migrating, of those who want to migrate to Australia, or those who wish for an opportunity to relocate there just to have a different life experience.

So What’s Life Really Like In Australia?

Awhile back, I spoke to 33-year-old Jasmin, who shifted to Perth in 2002 to pursue her dream of becoming a vet. After spending five years there, she decided to make the switch to permanent residency.

“Life in Perth is pretty slow paced and relaxed compared to Singapore. The people here are more interested in enjoying life in the present than slogging away or planning for the future.”

Meanwhile, Singaporeans are perpetually stressed out about working hard for a better future.  The need to push ourselves now while we can has been so indoctrinated in us that you'd find many Singaporeans chasing career milestones up until retirement.

Don’t get me wrong. The desire to strive for excellence is great and it is a respectable trait in Singaporeans to have such pride and ownership in our work. But our work culture has also come to a point where most people find it hard to switch off after work hours. Likewise, we find it hard to accept slow or late responses at work, especially when it comes to work that we deem "urgent".

Even if our work demands our attention at midnight or when we are on vacation, we would still do our best to squeeze out time to attend to it. I’d like to believe many of us do it out of personal accountability but any honest man will also tell you that they fear losing their jobs otherwise.

Such is the work culture difference between Singapore and a place like Australia.

For another Singaporean, Lydia*, it is this culture difference that she has come to love ever since she relocated to Sydney more than a year ago. She got jaded by the hectic lifestyle in Singapore and had decided to shift in search of personal growth opportunities.

“I managed to get a job in a fintech company and it’s so unlike what I had expected. It’s all about a life outside of work, and if someone needs to get you, they have to wait till it’s tomorrow. Nothing is that urgent and your time or life outside of work is respected.”

The change in pace and the shift to a culture that places more focus on a healthy work-life balance gave Lydia more time to her other pursuits in life, like more personal time with friends and family as well as more time for leisure—exactly what many Singaporeans wish they have.

Although, Lydia acknowledged that she was lucky, as everybody's experience will differ based on the industry practices, company culture, and the dynamics within a company. Where she is at, she also enjoys perks like flexible working hours, going on sick leave without an official MC, and free coffee at every team meeting.

These perks are only possible as employees respect the integrity based system it is run on. It only takes one bad sheep to abuse and destroy such a system, and if you think about it in Singapore’s context, this will probably not be possible here. Remember when we used to have Ofo, Obike, and Mobike?

Despite the welcome change in work-life balance and employee welfare, finding a job wasn’t that easy for Lydia initially. Her attempts to find work in her area of expertise came to nothing as her Working Holiday Visa restricted her from staying in the same company for more than 6 months. Most of the jobs she had came here in search of required someone with a longer commitment.

“Initially, part of me expected to get a job pretty easily, even if it means I had to do odd jobs here and there. I thought like Singapore, it’ll be easy for me to get a retail or F&B job for example, but it wasn’t that easy.”

To get a retail job, she had to submit a video of her speaking and presenting herself. She’d also need an RSA certification if she wanted to work in F&B.

Fortunately, settling in wasn’t an issue because her partner was already living there and had sorted out the nitty-gritty of moving, like finding accommodation, sorting out the lease, and setting up the utilities.

Nonetheless, the pressure of living independently and solely off her savings, began to build up. “The cost of living in Sydney is really high, and I saw how quickly my money was depleting about 2 months in. I started to put a lot of stress on myself to find a job and somehow no one was getting back to me.”

Lydia later chalked up even more expenses when she had to be sent to the hospital primarily due to her stress and anxiety.

“I was broke and in a country with no medical benefits or subsidies for me.”

“Being jobless and living under your parents roof was stressful but being jobless and having to worry about rent is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

She only managed to secure her current job five months after she relocated. Ultimately, she admitted that it was a job that she settled for as there were bills to pay.

Singaporean filmmaker Tim* echoed Lydia’s sentiments on the work landscape in Australia.

The 28-year-old spent 5 years in Sydney, where he pursued his interest in film in a university there. While studying, he also took up several work projects and jobs. In the media and film industry he is in, he explained that while Australia has more opportunities for him, the overall work landscape there is pretty similar to Singapore’s. It is as highly competitive there as fresh graduates and experienced locals and foreigners are always rising up and competing for the same jobs.

“I think it is important to manage [your own] expectations, know what you want to do, work hard on your craft, and to be open to change if it comes.”

Daily Life Differences

Day-to-day conveniences and living expenses are other aspects that one needs to consider before making the shift.

If there’s one thing all of us are right about, it’s the short operational hours of shops there. Most of the shops there shut by 6pm and some buses end service at early evenings.

Born and bred in Singapore where we gripe about shops closing at 9.30pm, I wondered how these Singaporeans aren’t bored there. How do you ‘survive’ when ‘everything’ is closed by the time you end work?

“Usually the shopping malls close early but in Sydney the clubs, karaoke joints and movie theatres still open till late,” said Tim.

As for Lydia, it took her awhile to get used to the largely outdoor lifestyle compared to what most of us are inclined to do in Singapore: “People [in Australia] tend to go to the beach, surf, drive up the coast, go on road trips, camping, hikes, and go to the markets. That’s what my partner and I do besides all the housework. New South Wales is massive and we never stop being tourists if money permits.”

The early closure of shops also means that many food places shut early. But Tim assured that “there are definitely food you can get at supper hours but your selection is really limited. McDonald’s are open 24 hours and that’s about it. There is no Al-Ameen to save you from a grumbling stomach at 2am.”

Eating out in Australia is also expensive compared to Singapore. This is undoubtedly one of the best parts of living in Singapore—the abundance of food options and how you can easily get a complete meal from as cheap as $3.

What Kind Of Life Do You Want?

With all that said, we have to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect. No matter where we go, there is bound to be problems of some sort, and it is important that we consider every facet of our life and habits before we go on a great migration. There are also plenty of helpful guides online to walk us through specific areas like taxes and cost of living.

Another tip from Tim is to know what we want.

“I guess Australia is good for anyone who wants to try a different lifestyle and explore a different country. If you pick Sydney, be prepared to work hard and be ready to compete with the best.”

There’s no rights or wrongs to migrating and only you would know if life would be better for you elsewhere. It is still a big decision to make, having to leave your entire life behind to set up a new one in a foreign land. At the end of the day, it boils down to where you want to call home.

For me, as biased as it is for someone who has only ever resided in Singapore, and for all the imperfections in our policies and infrastructure, home is Singapore.

Also read: The Hopes And Fears Of 20-Somethings.

(Header Image Credit: Zoe Holling on Unsplash)

In TV sitcom Kim’s Convenience, one of the main leads, Appa, once said: "We all born naked and we die naked… Depending. If we lucky."

The context of which he said that has got nothing to do with the desired way to be remembered at death, but regardless, who is to judge if one wants to leave the world naked.

Death is inevitable and although we have no control over the circumstances of our passing, there’s a lot we can consider when it comes to how we want to be remembered. This includes how we want our loved ones to take that one last ‘journey’ as they send us off at our funeral.

How will we want to be memorialised in those last moments before our body is laid to rest (or cremated) for eternity? Does it need to be grim and solemn like the funerals we have attended before, or will it be a big party that resemble our birthday bash?

I spoke to 15 millennials, and here are 10 of the most intriguing ‘dream funerals’.

1.“I’d want those attending my funeral to have fun”

It’ll be an intimate occasion with people whom I've loved and loved me to be there. They can feel free to drink alcohol and joke at my funeral. It doesn't have to be all tears, leave that for dramas. I’d want to have my body cremated and kept in an urn at home.

I’ve attended a lot of funerals (grandparents, relatives). I always end up crying and not knowing how to feel better. People also don't really take the time to recognise the good, the bad, and the ugly, and it's quite sad that most people who attend just end up sitting around.

If we all come to the world with people rejoicing, then you can also depart glamourously. I would like for my funeral to be one of those that can help change the perception of death being morbid.

- Nat, 28

2. “I am but a soul out of many that have come and passed...”

So I don’t think it’s a huge deal. I’d want my ashes to be scattered into the sea because I don’t want people to find it a need to go visit me and maintain my grave. I’d prefer it if they think about their fondest memory with me and smile whenever they visit the sea.

I imagine it to be a private affair with my immediate family. A few hours would be enough and near the sea because I want my ashes to be scattered into the sea at the end of the procession. I’d have a curated music playlist for the procession as well.

- YG, 29

3. “No one else would know of my death”

I would like it to be private with only select friends and family members invited. No one else would know of my death till after the ceremony is over.

When my dad was near death, that was how he wanted to go. Peacefully and quietly without huge fanfare or drama. I want to go out the same way too. Especially surrounded by the people who truly matter to me. Instead of people who wanted something from me.

- Aaron, 35

4. “Play ‘Highway to Hell’ As My Body Burns”

I believe by the time I reach that age, I would have lost some friends. So, I envision mine to be a small, private funeral.

I'm going to want my family to burn my body and as I burn, you'll hear the song “Highway to Hell” playing in the background. Then, my children or whoever that's left in my family will take my ashes and put it inside a f**king chio urn—must have gold and diamond on it. Then, they should keep it in a safe somewhere. In case of emergency, they can break the safe and sell the urn for money.

I don't see a point in being buried as it's such a waste of space. If you burn me and put me in an urn, I'm more portable. Also, if you ever decide to throw me away, it's much easier.

- Daniel, 25

5. “I want it to be themed: Memories”

My coffin would be green because it’s my favorite color. Many people know that I love green so they would surely be like: “Aiyo that’s so him.” I’m a sentimental person as I love holding on to many memories. I want my photos with my loved ones to be displayed all around, and all my favorite things to be around my coffin, for a nice, casual portrait of mine to be on my coffin.

Of course, I would like all my family and friends to be there. I’d also be happy for anyone who has ever spoken to me or made me smile to come.

I don’t want my funeral to just be about people mourning my death. I want people to celebrate the great moments when I was still alive. Likewise, I want my funeral to be a happy memory.

- JK, 21

6. “Life has got enough of blood, sweat, and tears”

We have put up a good fight in life through all those struggles, blood, sweat and tears, so once we leave this world, I think we should celebrate it. Life has enough of moments of tears, and when people attend my funeralI I want them to hold onto the memories of joy instead.

I want it to be a happy occasion where people are feasting, laughing, and chatting away. It will be a big affair, with anyone that I've met in my life or who have journeyed with me through significant parts of my life.

- Gloria, 29

7. “I want to leave something behind to help them with closure.”

The people in your life changes with time but of course, I'd hope for my family and close friends to be there. I’d like it to be set somewhere within nature, and for those who attend to talk and reminisce about the good times.

I’ll want to leave behind a letter or video to thank people for being in my life and also urge them to accept death as part of life and new beginnings. I think closure matters a lot, especially in helping people to grieve, move forward and accept.

- Priscilla, 21

8. “I still fear death in the sense of losing people”

I hope it will be a small, cosy gathering of family and friends whom I’ve always kept close and held dear. I hope that whoever organises my funeral will play the playlist I made for my funeral and that they’ll understand the songs I chose remind them of the good things in our lives.

When I was young, I always thought death was very scary because deaths were always portrayed as dramatic on TV. I no longer think that way but I still have the fear of death in the sense of losing people, because I get so attached to people and things. But I hope that even in my last moments in this world, people won’t feel so much pain about me leaving and still connect with me through all the people who were at the funeral. I want people to quickly move on from my death and be happy as soon as possible.

- TH, 27

9. “Remember me as the guy who can joke about death”

Big ol' celebration. I'd haunt people if my funeral ended up being a gloomy affair.

I would love to be remembered as the guy that can joke about anything, including death. Also the fact that I wasn't afraid of doing anything that I wanted.

I always wondered why people loved to mourn what is lost instead of celebrating the person's life. It's tough enough as it is. I've been to several funerals before and I've seen how painful it can be for close ones but it's often a momentarily thing for many others. I always envisioned my closest ones remembering me through The Office episodes or like a stand-up comedy. I believe it really represents who I am!

- Julius, 27

10. “If I can’t afford it, give me a cheap funeral”

I’d like to have a sending off in line with my beliefs—a Christian funeral—but I don’t want worship sessions every day, maybe just once before they cremate me.

I want to be cremated and scattered in the sea so I can be forgotten and my family won’t have to “maintain” me. Hopefully there’s good food for everyone. I really love food, like sushi, charsiew, bubble tea. If I had time to plan for my death, I want to write letters for my family and friends whom I am closer to. Some to be read out, some to be given to them in private. I hope the people who come will talk about me, and that the funeral will ease the grief for them.

But really, I know how expensive a funeral is, so if my bank account can’t pay for my own funeral. I’d want it as cheap and simple as possible.

- Bel, 21

How Do You Want Your Funeral To Be Like?

It’s hard to imagine death when we are all so busy worrying about our career, marriage, house, or kids. Even if we could, it’s morbid to discuss about it. However, judging from the majority of people who envision their funeral to be a happy occasion, our funeral should be nothing more than another party to plan. Just that this time round, it’d be the one last party we’d ever plan for ourselves, and one that we will never get to see.

Also read: The Inevitable End: What’s It Like To Grow Old In Singapore?.

(Header Image Credit: Mayron Oliveira on Unsplash)

At some point in our lives, we would have heard a senior say they’d rather die than live in a nursing home. I’ve also wondered: are nursing homes really that bad in modern day Singapore?

Awhile back, I visited Moral Home for the Aged Sick (Moral Home) on my quest to understand the problems that our elderly face in their golden years. I met two sisters who had, surprisingly, chosen to sell their house and to live there at the nursing home.

The unexpected decision came after one of them fell, making them rethink their living arrangement—two frail woman would not be able to cope should any emergency situations arise. After considering the risks and for their own safety, they decided to put themselves in a nursing home they trust.

Initially, they even chose to hide this from their family members as they knew that it will be met with disapproval, and they didn’t want to be persuaded to go home.

One of the sisters said “Back then, my nephew tried to stop us from coming here. They encourage us to stay with them, because they can take care of us. We tell them not to worry, because we are very happy here.”

The other sister added: “I tell them, youngsters nowadays should work hard, don’t worry about us.”

I was brought up to see nursing homes as a terrible place, yet there I was, speaking to two 80 plus year olds who tells me that they like it there. I was in mild disbelief, but also heartened to know that I may be wrong about my impression of nursing homes.

There’s a stigma that we attach to placing loved ones in nursing homes. Nobody will want to send their parents to homes if they can afford to and any decent Singaporean will tell you that they will only consider it a last resort.

A part of this stigma comes from our strong attachment to our cultural values of being responsible for our parents welfare. As Asians, old adages like “Never forget your roots,” and “Don't bite the hand that feeds you” continue to form the backbone of what is essentially our emphasis on filial piety.

We hold ourselves accountable for our parents’ lives when they grow old, and because of that, we associate sending a loved one to a nursing home as abandonment. We think of it as the most unfilial and shameful act one can do to our parents.

But is it really?

I remember only ever being in a nursing home or old folks home twice. The first was a compulsory CIP programme in primary school, and the second was to me, just a fun activity with a bunch of my polytechnic friends who organised it.

The only thing I remember taking away from those volunteering stints was also that I never want to send my parents there, ever, if I could. The ambiance there was just so dull, sad, and dreary. At least, these were the only parts that stuck out in my memory.

For most of us, these volunteer experiences will also probably be the only firsthand experience we base our impression upon. That is, until we are actually faced with having to consider these homes for our own loved ones.

However, when I was at Moral Home, I had the opportunity to speak to its Chief Executive Officer, Winnie, who changed my perspective.

At 72, she is well into her retirement years, but has been serving there for more than 15 years. Despite being at an age comparable to the residents in her home, she tells me that this job has become a commitment she made as she has grown attached to the residents.

Some families put their loved ones in a nursing home due to their inability to provide adequate care for their elderly parents who are ill, disabled, or require 24/7 attention, which is where nursing homes like hers come in.

“Nursing care is to give comfort. To ensure that in the last phase of [the residents’] life, we can make them happy before they pass on.”

However, Winnie acknowledges that there are cases of abandonment. In her home, these make up about a third of her residents.

“They don’t have a direct next-of-kin. Some of them don’t have children. Some may have nieces or nephews who aren’t close to them.”

There are also residents who struggle with coming to terms with being put in a home.

"Some don’t want to talk to their children when they do visit. There are also residents who would pack their stuff and want to go home everyday."

To alleviate such unsettling feelings in her residents, Winnie dedicates time to make her rounds every morning. This is also her way of giving residents “the comfort and hopefully a little strength” in knowing that there are still people who care for and love them.

Alvin, a social welfare worker who has been working in elderly homes, shared that such cases of abandonment happen more often than we would like to think. Over the years, he has seen numerous cases of family members doing their best, to place their parents in shelters homes, only to disappear.

“An unforgettable experience was this very well spoken and groomed lady, whom over the course of a couple of months, did her best to admit her dad, making frequent visits to the nursing home to speak to staff and to show us that she has a loving relationship with her dad.

Yet, less than a month after admission, she lost contact with us. After trying to contact her, we realised she had migrated with her family members to Canada.”

It is exactly such cases that makes a mockery of nursing homes and undermines its bigger purpose.

Besides the 24/7 general and medical attention, another aspect of nursing homes is to provide residents opportunities for social interaction.

In Singapore, it is “estimated that 83,000 elderly persons will be living alone by 2030, compared with the 47,000 seniors aged 65 and above in 2016.” There have been many reports highlighting the higher risk of social isolation and depression in elderly persons living alone.

Even elderly persons who live with their family face the risk of loneliness and depression, because most adults spend a large part of our days at work, leaving our elderly parents at home alone.

The extroverted ones aren’t a problem, but the ones who do not venture out to engage in their own community of friends at neighbourhood spaces or through community centre activities will face problems with healthy aging. The lack of social stimulation could easily cause their cognitive and physical abilities to deteriorate.

On my way to the Home, I also happened to meet Mr Lim, my Grab driver, who bemoaned about his wife and his painful decision to send his mother-in-law to a nursing home.

They had tried looking after his ailing mother-in-law as best they could, even hiring a maid to ensure that there was someone around when they were at work. However, his mother-in-law’s worsening dementia condition and erratic behaviour continued to overwhelm the couple.

For instance, they had to attend to his mother-in-law rattling their door and asking for help to find all sorts of the things in the middle of the night. The need for constant care and attention took a toil on them over time as they were both juggling a full-time job. It was with a heavy heart that they put his mother-in-law in a nursing home, which he emphasised “it was really, really hard for my wife.”

Mr Lim’s story is the classic case of the many Singaporeans who have taken to nursing homes as a last resort. For them, what makes it even more difficult is the stigma, judgment, and shame that they would have to face when they put their parents in a nursing home.

Of course, as with the case of any service-oriented industries, there have been and will always be real cases of mistreatment and abuse at nursing homes. It isn’t to say that all nursing homes are negligent or abusive.

At the end of the day, there are also cons to institutionalised care like nursing homes, like a loss of freedom or autonomy, because residents will be restricted to the confines of what the home draws out for them.

However, there are many other aged care facilities like senior activity centres, daycare and healthcare centres, and in-home care.

29-year-old Mel, who have volunteered at day care centres and nursing homes before, said, “I think the most ideal scenario would be for those in old folks' homes to have volunteered to go there, be it for companionship or having medical support.”

Are We Accountable For Our Elderly Persons' Happiness?

It does get complicated if the elderly persons refuse to be put in a nursing home, and it’s never easy to have to decide what's right and wrong when it gets so personal. It's even harder when you have to deal with the torment and guilt of having to go against your parents’ wishes.

Regardless, the purpose of nursing home is to make the last journey of elderly’s life safe, comfortable, and ensure their needs and wants are taken care of as much as possible.

As much as we have to complain about, these homes are another avenue for us to provide care for our parents.

People say that it’s a terrible place as it’s where children abandon their parents. But if a child has already got the intention to abandon their parent, isn’t it as sad for these elderly persons to continue living in a home where they are unwanted? How much better will such a life be?

Similarly, if one really has to put one's parents in nursing homes for the genuine good of one's parents and family, it doesn’t mean we’re any less of a decent person and a filial child.

Also read: It’s The 21st Century, Why Do We Still Treat Maids Like Slaves?.

(Header Image Credit: Kanal 247)

In her second trimester, the gynae pointed out that there was a white dot on her baby’s heart. That meant that the baby, her third child, could be born with some kind of birth defect, or a genetic defect like Down syndrome. There were a few possibilities, but there was no way to confirm any of it until after the baby was born.

Like any mother, Apple had worried about such a possibility but nothing could truly prepare a mother for the amount of changes and anguish she would go through when she gave birth to a child with special needs.

Four months later, she gave birth to her baby girl, Li-Ann.

The scan did not lie: Li-Ann was born with Trisomy 21, a genetic disorder otherwise known as Down syndrome.

Bearing A Child Who’s Different

“We didn’t have time to worry about [Li-Ann having Down syndrome at first] because she had a more critical problem. She was born with an imperforate anus.”

It is a birth defect that rendered Li-Ann’s body incapable of eliminating faeces through her anus, and it was imminent for them to first address this.

It is painful to even think about undergoing complicated medical procedures or surgeries as an adult, and for Apple, the most heartbreaking part of it all was having to see this happen to her newborn baby.

“It was heartbreaking to see her poked so many times to have her blood taken at such a young age. I would tell [the doctors and nurses] to wait for me to walk far away before they begin the procedure. I cannot [bear to see or hear her cry.]”

After three surgeries in ten months and many trips to the hospital, Li-Ann was finally able to pass motion just like anyone else.

However, this was only the beginning of a long journey for Apple, as the reality of having a child with Down syndrome started to dawn on her.

A Complete Change In Family Dynamics

At home, the setbacks came in waves and the stress resulted in inevitable conflicts between Apple and her husband.

“Back then, my husband’s concerns were: How are we going to help her (Li-Ann)? How are we going to teach her?”

People with Down syndrome experience <a href=" range of developmental difficulties which include delayed motor and cognitive skills. What this meant for Apple was a major shift in her perspectives on education and parenting. More than that, it was going to take conscientious effort from every family member to create a supportive environment for Li-Ann.

“The way to teach her would have to be very different. When you teach kids something, they may get the concepts after you explain five times but for Li-Ann, you may need to explain 20 times. Sometimes, 20 times may not work either because she processes things differently from others.”

Looking back, Apple credited Li-Ann’s learning to their decision to homeschool their children even before Li-Ann was born. Their rationale was clear: they wanted to establish a home environment that would encourage the children to be curious and passionate about their learning. Through the time and interaction with her siblings from homeschooling together, Li-Ann had the benefit of observing the normative behaviour of her siblings and she modelled her behaviour and speech from them according to the best of her abilities

“Kids learn best from imitation, and because I have my kids at home with me, Li-Ann can learn from them as well. So my older kids have been instrumental in Li-Ann’s growth and development.”

The first couple of months were “really, really tough”, but Apple’s mental preparation and early acceptance helped a lot. And it was only a matter of time the family learnt to adapt to the changes at home.

Much later in our conversation, she shared, “when the parents are in denial [of their child’s condition], it’s very difficult,” referring to other parents of special needs children she has met.

Take for instance Mary Heng, who also has a daughter with Down syndrome and who is one of Apple’s friends—they had bonded over their similarities as mothers of children with Down syndrome

The Pain Of Denial

Acceptance didn’t come as easy for Mary, who struggled with her daughter’s diagnosis and broke down the moment she heard the news over the phone.

“I thought I was mentally ready for the diagnosis but the instant I put the phone down, I started crying inconsolably.”

“There was a feeling of emptiness in my heart, like I’ve lost someone.”

Nonetheless, abortion was not something Mary considered, as it was her flesh and blood after all. She started reading up to understand how to care for a baby with Down syndrome. The more knowledge she gained however, the more it broke her heart, as many of the websites she read only made her realise how many health issues her daughter could suffer from.

She blamed herself.

“I knew that the condition is a random occurrence, but I couldn’t help feeling that the random occurrence was due to some defect in my reproductive system. Each time I held this baby in my arms, she was so precious yet I just felt sad for the fact that she has Down syndrome.”

Even after her baby was born, she continued to struggle with the fact that her daughter has Down syndrome. She would cry every time she thought about it. There were also moments where she could not help but question why it had to be her.

It took a week of crying before Mary started to brace herself to take on whatever that comes—Down syndrome or not, her daughter is still her daughter.

Regardless of what a child is born with, it is how the parents look at it. As an active member in the local community of parents with special needs children, Apple stressed, “Sometimes the situation may not be as bad as it seems, but because of the parents’ denial, the children will have missed opportunities that are important for their growth.”

This isn’t to say that all was smooth-sailing for Apple and her husband. As the family settled in to their new phase of life with Li-Ann, Apple admitted that they did not always have the answers. There will always be problems and they will always find themselves facing new struggles along the way, but it all boils down to perseverance and lifelong commitment to the family.

The husband and wife’s will to make things work would later prove to be a major motivation to push on, because just one year after Li-Ann came along, Apple was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Still A Mother Despite Having Cancer

After her first surgery to remove the breast lumps, Apple had a few serious discussions with her husband as to whether they should continue homeschooling the kids.

“Among other things, my husband was also concerned whether Li-Ann would drag the other two down [if we continued homeschooling]. I told him they will not as they will continue to learn at their own pace.”

Her husband had wanted her to focus on her health and recovery, but she firmly believes that as parents, their primary responsibility is their children's growth and learning.

The down-to-earth manner in which she recounted the story to me painted a picture of her as a modest woman, or one who has long accepted that her sacrifices are just a part of being a mother.

Regardless, her unwavering determination in caring for her children was distinct.

“I can’t always be there. But I strongly believe in building strong relationships among [my children] now, so they can help each other when they grow up.”

“I believe that we can give them whatever resources they need for their individual growth. The vision of home schooling is to find out the gifts of the children and to nurture them.”

However, just four months after her first surgery, she found a lump in her underarm. She had to go for another surgery and undergo various treatments - chemotherapy, radiotherapy and hormonal therapy, for the next one and a half years.

At that point, she was struggling to come to terms with her circumstances and pondered over the possibility of her never recovering.

“These are things that I have to struggle with, and it’s something that is not within my control. So I know that whatever years I have [left] is to be here for them. My kids.”

Thankfully, Apple found support in her family, friends, and the doctors and nurses who attended to her. With a strong support system and her strong will, she soon bounced back to her role as the primary caregiver of her kids.

The Challenge Never Stops

As the family relationshipss got stronger, things became easier. Though for Apple, her responsibility as a mother remains an everyday challenge—any mother would attest to how exhausting it is to be a mother.

Knowing the journey she has gone through, I imagine it to be an extremely demanding one. Although, I have no idea how I will react if I knew my baby has Down syndrome. I cannot even envisage the kind of inner conflict I will struggle with, knowing that childbirth is supposed to be a celebratory event, yet I cannot be truly happy about it. And knowing the disadvantages my child will face for all his/her life, for s/he is born different.

Yet, even with all the feelings of turmoil and doubt that Apple would probably have had, I observed how all of her motivations seem to only revolve around her kids.

She answered matter of factly whenever I probed about her struggles, but spoke with a smile, and a tinge of excitement and pride in her voice whenever she talked about her children’s achievements.

As a third party who spent over two hours chatting with Apple at Northpoint City’s Kopitiam, I could sense her love for her family. As cliche as it is, she embodies what all mothers aim to be:  imperfect, but brave, strong-willed, and self-sacrificing.

In fact, she frequently related to me her children’s abilities and their personality quirks. I learnt that Li-Ann’s favourite story is Little House on the Prairie, how John is into video production, and how Rebecca loves music and singing.  

After I left, I couldn’t help but also reflect on how well-behaved Rebecca and Li-Ann was throughout my chat with Apple. They had sat at a separate table beside ours the entire time, keeping themselves busy and never complaining once. Somehow, I had the (ignorant) impression that a child with Down syndrome would have made noise at the one hour mark or so. Or that a place full of jarring distractions would be a place too chaotic for them.

Perhaps this is largely due to my lack of understanding that an individual with Down syndrome is just like any other person. When given the right resources and opportunities, which they need, they are equally capable of achieving whatever typical kids can achieve.

This, is what mothers like Apple and Mary hope for their children.

For them, they are also well aware of how their years ahead are limited, but there is still a long way for their daughters. Like all caregivers of children with special needs, their only hope as mothers is that they have done enough to prepare their children for life.

Also read: Two Abortions Later, I Decided To Become A Mother.

(Header Image Credit: Apple)