It’s 9am on a Friday. I’m usually on the bus on the way to office at this hour (even though work’s supposed to start at 9am). Today, however, I am on my way to my neighbourhood coffee shops to make some friends with the uncles and aunties there.

As an introvert, I’d avoid most situations that require me to speak to strangers (ironic, considering my job as a writer), but today, it is my goal to better understand the lives of the older folks who seem to always be at the coffee shop in the morning, for hours at a time.

What do they actually talk about? How much time do they spend there? And for the sceptic in me; do they really have nothing else to do besides drinking kopi here every day?

I walked around the first coffee shop trying to find a strategic spot to park myself so I could voyeur and eavesdrop on conversations. Like any nondescript neighbourhood coffee shop on a weekday morning, the place is sparsely populated with mostly middle-aged to pioneer generation folks.

One table is occupied by what I presume to be a family of a 2nd generation Singaporean with her toddler and her elderly mother. As I dawdled down the corridor suspiciously eyeing the occupants of all the tables, this group of about 6 aunties caught my eye. One of them, who is on a wheelchair, is accompanied by a maid.

They must have been there for quite awhile. Their almost empty cups of coffee (or tea) were already pushed towards the middle of the table, and some of the cups has coffee stains that had already started to dry up on the sides of the cup.

The tables around them are all taken, and it will be very strange for me to be idling by the side of their table when there are other empty tables around. I threw the initial plan of voyeuring out and decided to approach them instead.

“Hello! I’m a reporter,” I greeted them chirpily with the limited amount of communicable Mandarin I can manage. “Can I join you all?”

After explaining that I was there to understand more about their lives as the older generation, the aunties around the table laughed and welcomed me.

“Aiya! Our life is like that lor, what about it?” They teased, in Mandarin. As I pulled a chair up, one of them jokingly asked if I was going to treat them to a meal. I played along.

As I chatted with them, I learnt that they had all met each other at this very coffee shop. It was all those years of having their breakfast there daily that have seen them gather over time to form this ‘breakfast group’. All retired, this has become a daily routine: They meet for breakfast at 8+am every day and stay on to chat about their lives, talking about anything from the vegetables they are going to get, to catching up on the lives of their children and grandchildren. It is exactly what one would expect of a typical Singaporean auntie.

The group will then disperse by about 10am, with each of them making their rounds at the market to stock up on groceries before heading home.

One of them in the group is Mdm Kang, who’s in her sixties and is one of the most eager to share in the group. Later, she tells me that all three of her children had already married and shifted out, and ever since her husband passed away many years ago, she has been living alone in her HDB flat nearby. Despite the circumstances, she seems to me like a free-spirit.

“一个人在家会闷, 就到处乱跑 lor.”
(I’ll be bored alone at home, so I’ll venture around.)

Sometimes, she’d travel all the way to Boon Lay to visit her son. At other times, if she is able to, she’d help to look after her grandchildren.

For all of them in the group, life is pretty much similar to how Mdm Kang spend her days—they go about each day “just like that”, eating and chatting with friends, working on the never-ending list of household chores, and spending time with their family. Sometimes, they will visit the resident’s corner or community centres for light activities.

As one of the aunties puts it, once you have reached that age, you are pretty much “jiak liao bee”, a Hokkien phrase which indirectly means that they are just sitting around waiting to be fed. Since they are no longer working and are all financially stable (enough), boredom is inevitable. Ultimately, it is all about the mindset that they have.

One, Mdm Tan, whom I spoke at another coffee shop later on, shared: “If you have been working for all these years and you suddenly stop, you will go ‘crazy’ very quickly. You have to find something to do to keep [your mind stimulated].”

For Mdm Tan, singing is one activity that she has been actively engaged in at her neighbourhood RC. It was also through there that she met a couple of her long time friends today, one of whom joined us midway after her morning exercise at the park.

I got to speak with one Mdm Ea, who is the youngest of the group of 6 aunties, after the rest left to buy groceries.

In her forties, she sees the other aunties in the group as her elder sisters. A freelance property agent, she tells me how she joined this group by chance when they noticed that she is also a regular there.

“This group of aunties are very happy-go-lucky. They are very warm and it’s a very community-spirit feeling. Like, one of them, the husband just went fishing recently and she brought the fish here and gave out to all of us.”

The group has become so tight-knitted that whenever one of them doesn’t turn up for their daily breakfast, the others will be concerned.

“They will really worry that something happened to you. So now when I go overseas, I will inform them.”

She shared that the rest of them are averagely in their sixties and have children that have all grown up and leading their own lives. Most of these aunties spend their days simplistically, spending their time with their family as much as possible.

However, for Mdm Ea especially, her life does not revolve around her only son, because she cannot afford to do that.

She explains:

“Of course, ideally our children will look after us, but they got their own lives to lead also. We cannot possibly rely on them to look after us completely.”

Her wish as a parent is to continue being a part of her child’s everyday life when she’s in her golden years. However, the pressures of work in an ultra-competitive society today has made her realise that this may not be the most practical arrangement.

“It’s very difficult for the younger generation these days because both have to work. Then they have their own family to support also.”

As such, Mdm Ea has, together with her husband, started to set aside their own retirement funds. In any case, she would rather plan for her own retirement than let it become a burden for her son.

Hearing this reminded me again on how our parents’ sacrifice last for their lifetime. It starts from the moment they give birth to us all the way till they leave. They always want the best for us and would often place our interests before theirs.

At another coffee shop, I spoke to one Mdm Tan. Also in her sixties, Mdm Tan also stressed the importance of having to plan for her own future without having to be dependent on her two children.

Her son had already married and shifted out, and her daughter will be following suit next year.

A trait of a typical Asian mother is how they find it difficult to ‘let go’ of their children. After all those years that they have invested into their babies and bringing them up, it can be hard when their babies are now grown adults leading their own, private life that does not necessarily include their mother in it.

From the times Mdm Tan repeated herself about how she has learnt not to intervene in her children’s life, I inferred that perhaps, there were conflicts that she had faced with her children in their life decisions, like her daughter’s choices in housing and wedding preparations.

Then, she said something that showed that no matter what, her love for her children will never falter: “What I can do is to see them grow up, get married, form their own family, and if they ever need anything, I’m just a phone call away.”

For both Mdm Tan and Mdm Ea, their ‘job’ as parents is to bring up their children the best they can and hope that they have cultivated a good person. And as grandparents or soon-to-be grandparents, they also know that the prime of years have long passed.

While our generation are going about our lives proving ourselves at work, romancing with our partners, and mingling with our friends, these aunties and uncles spend their days, for lack of a better description, ‘just like that’.

It is places like these, the coffee shops, resident corners, community centres, places that the younger generation like us pay no attention to, that continue to be to older folks what is to us our restaurant, bars, cafes, and chill out spaces. It is where they spend a substantial number of hours each day because otherwise, what else are they supposed to do when their home is empty?

As I continued chatting with Mdm Tan, I realised how the morning has taken me from wanting to learn about the life of the older folks at the coffee shops to being a confidante for them. When I finally bade goodbye to Mdm Tan, who was the last person I spoke to at the coffee shops that day, I was relieved. It reminded me why I always avoided chatting with aunties: they have a million things to talk about and sometimes, you just don’t know what to say but nod.

But then again, one day, I’ll be like them. We all will.

Also read: 65-Year-Old Mdm Rebecca’s Life: A Look At The Reality Of Singapore’s Privilege Gap.

69-year-old Mr Zhen once attempted to take his own life. “Since there’s nothing [left] to do, I may as well die.”

In my attempt to learn about the lives of elderly in Singapore, I had spoken to five other seniors in their 60s to 80s. The one thing that struck me was how there is an unspoken, but very perceptible sense of aimlessness.

In an article by The Epoch Times last year, a 2008 research article was brought up, where all 19 interviewees “reported feeling lonely or depressed, and many said they live by the day and endeavour not to think of the future.”

Where one has pretty much fulfilled the most of our life goals, like getting a job, saving up, starting our own family, or seeing our grandchildren, it can be hard to fathom that there is nothing else to look forward to.

And Mr Zhen is just one elderly person who has struggled with his thoughts of mortality as he age. There has been studies on how there are more old people who struggle with loneliness and how socially isolated seniors have a higher risk of dying prematurely.

When I visited <a href=" Home for the Aged Sick last Saturday, I got to speak to 72-year-old Winnie Koh, who has been running the nursing home as Chief Executive Officer (CEO) for more than 15 years.

She shared that one of her residents has suicidal tendencies, and had once tied bedsheets and put it around his neck in a suicide attempt. Likewise, that resident did not see a point in living, “when [to him,] he’s already 90, nearing 100 years old, and does not have the ability to do many things himself.”

This resident has also went through certain rough patches as well, as a very close female friend of his had passed away.

“I can feel the loneliness in him. He doesn’t speak to [a lot of] people.”

I asked Winnie if residents fear death.

After a short pause, Winnie explains that the elderly do not fear death per se. For the most, those who fear death fear going to hell.

However, Winnie acknowledged that there are those who struggle to let go, in the sense where they could have unresolved wishes: people they want to meet, messages they want to tell their loved ones, or something they want to complete.

32-year-old Alvin, added that having worked in the eldercare sector for about six years, he has often hear elderly regretting not treating their family members better or not better providing for them, “they definitely fear for the people and the relationships they are leaving behind.”

This is where, at a nursing home, they play up their role of caring for the residents. Winnie explains, “it’s the comfort [they need], to affirm them that they are ok, and that [whatever they want accomplished will be taken care of.] I will arrange for family members to visit. Usually they do go off peacefully after that.”

Along with the physical or cognitive impairments, the elderly face a whole set of very personal and emotional hurdles as well.

Before working in the eldercare sector, Alvin, like many of us, never understood the stubbornness and ego that many elderly have. But now that he has got a glimpse into the lives of different groups of elderly through his six years, he explains that most elderly fear losing their independence, and when an elderly go from “a provider, a giver, a successful person on their own rights losing the respect, mobility and cognitive ability they have [when they age], the frustration they are going through can be very overwhelming.”

As sad as it sounds, these seniors turn to stubbornness and ego as a way of holding on to that last bit of control that they still have.

Although, there are also “difficult ones,” those who who choose to isolate themselves, and who refuse to interact with people. In such cases, Winnie explains that in the nursing home, they still try to show the elderly their presence and care in one way or another.

Drawing similarities between elderly and babies, Winnie said, “once you make them feel safe and comfortable, they are easily cared for.”

At Moral Home, the residents may suffer from different illnesses and each, their own sets of disabilities, but Winnie tells me that most of them are generally happy.

Having reached the point where they know that they are old and are ready to die, most of them would live every day to their fullest in the little ways they can, like eating, reading, or praying.

“Once, I have this resident who [had severe dementia and] is, on the whole, a very happy person. One day, she was just resting in the lounge after her coffee, then she just said to me in Cantonese ‘I am going to sleep, bye bye.’ She never woke up after that.”

“I think it’s better that way,” Winnie said, on passing on peacefully.

When I visited the home I also got to speak to this two sisters who had sold their house to live at the nursing home.

For 82-year-old Tan Nya Nya and her 83-year-old sister, their choice to live in a nursing home is for convenience, and to ensure that they get the physical support they need at their age. This came after Nya Nya fell down once and both her sister and her realise that they were unable to manage on their own if anything were to happen. Being able to socialise with the other residents of the home are perks that they enjoy too.

Nya Nya added, on seeing residents who don’t share the same happy-go-lucky attitude she has on life, “if you naughty, throw tantrum, [your family] also won’t [feel happy to visit you]. Correct? No point [being so gloomy]. Don’t think so much. Must be happy.”

Like Nya Nya, 82-year-old Uncle Lee also have an optimistic outlook on life, despite the fact that he lives alone in a one-room flat in Toa Payoh

His daily routine includes waking up in the wee hours of dawn for a walk around the small park right beside his home, going for his meals, and watching TV. Sometimes, he would hop on a bus that would take him to Jurong, Pasir Ris, and even Changi.

As he regaled me with his accounts of these ‘mini adventures’ he goes on when he is bored, he emphasised that at his age, there is nothing much to do except eat and watch TV, “what else can I do at this age?”

When I visited him with three volunteers on a Sunday night, he had cooked a pot of Bak Kut Teh for us. And as we sat in his living room savouring the soup, I felt a little like I was in my grandmothers’ old house again.

Although he lives alone, his house is filled with knickknacks. Chinese New Year decorations still adorn his walls and the side of his fridge. I couldn’t help but noticed that he also has four clocks on one wall.

“He really likes clocks. There’s more in his bedroom,” one of the volunteers laughed when I asked.

These volunteers first knew Uncle Lee through a programme initiated by Youth Corps Singapore, but have since grown closer to Uncle Lee and for the past two years, have been visiting him every month.

Once a driver who made a livelihood off driving for commercial and private businesses, Uncle Lee retired more than 20 years ago, when he sprained his hip. This work injury, however, has become a permanent problem at 82 years old.

“I cannot really walk long distances, unless I take breaks.”

Curious about my own mortality when I reach his age and avoiding being so rude as to ask Uncle Lee - whom I just met - about how he feels about death, I asked if there is anything he fears now that he is this old.

“No lah! Scared of what? Don’t need to be scared of anything [at this age].” He jested, “Last time, scared of my mother, but mother not around already, so there’s nothing to be scared of [anymore].”

Ever since his elder sister passed away, Uncle Lee’s only other family members are his nephew and nieces, whom still visits him occasionally.

Most days however, his humble lifestyle revolves around watching TV and eating, which he loves doing.

“Uncle is a food king!” One of the volunteers teased, “whenever we go out, he will tell us what’s good and where to find good food.”

Unable to comprehend living alone at his age, I asked Uncle Lee if he ever feels lonely.

“Won’t lonely lah! [If I’m] lonely, then I’ll just watch TV, or put on a DVD, or go out and eat lunch. Lonely for what?”

His positive reply showed very much his outlook of life and in a way, it was also a reminder that happiness is a choice. He could very well dwell on what some would assume as unfortunate - he is old, never married, and living alone and off financial support from the government - but he had chosen to lead a simple and happy life instead.

A study done in 2004 found that seniors living alone were twice as likely as their peers to develop depressive symptoms. In the last stage of their lives, it can be very easy for seniors to feel frustrated and aimless.

Which is why, it is important not just for seniors to be able to adopt a positive mindset, but also for the people around them to empower them to do so.

Besides, our elderly citizens may be old and frail, but they have so much to offer in other ways.

Yong Shin, one of ‘Uncle Lee kids’ said, “They always say ‘seniors are a wealth of knowledge’, and I think [Uncle Lee] really displays that. You can tell that he really likes to share with you, about history or just whatever knowledge he has. He really likes interactions.”

And of all the conversations I have had with the seniors, the one thing that all of them have said, albeit not ad verbatim, is “we’re old already, what else can we do?”

To them, it is just better to lead a happy life and enjoy the simple things when you are already at that stage of life.

Also read: People Leave, But You Don’t Have To Be The One Left Behind.