Category: On Life

It’s throwback time! Let’s wind the clock back, all the way to our primary school years. Remember how you’d observe the P6s - how tall and old and worldly they seemed. Or even peering at our seniors as a lowly Sec 1 kid, having just lost your place as top dog in the school. Now that you think about it, they were a mere three years older but it still seemed ages away. Growing up, we’d plot our futures - financially independent with a house… married with your first kid… I for one, definitely wanted a dog. We’d have it all together. And we’d do it by the distant, arbitrary age of... let's say 27. Now, fast forward to present day. Whether you’ve just hit the big 2-1 or are edging toward the dreaded realm of the mid-twenties, suddenly 27 doesn’t seem so far away.  And suddenly, you realise you’re not going to wake up one day and be an adult. Things aren’t going to magically fall into place. In fact, you have no idea what you’re doing.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

It’s an interview question staple. And if it’s not 5 years, it’s 10. Having grand vision for ourselves indicates ambition, drive, a sense of self and what we want out of life. It’s been drummed into us that we need to know where we’re headed and a timeline to our eventual success. We need a master plan - or so society claims. There are benchmarks we need to meet - the steady relationship (let’s not even discuss the impending CNY doom a.k.a interrogation about our love lives), the dream job, a flourishing family. And if you haven’t checked these boxes, well… you done f#*ked up, haven’t you? The pressure to be perfect is intense - it’s okay if you crack a little. This isn’t even factoring in our obsessively curated social media feeds, just another method in which we stack ourselves up against the flawless and highly photogenic lives of family and friends. While we’re so busy trying to plan our lives down to the minute details, we forget that sometimes there are elements of life that are simply beyond our control. As the (instagram sourced) saying goes - life happens; coffee helps.

Failing forward

We’re all scared of failure, and rightly so. No one wants to go after something only to fall short. But when we equate something not going right as outright failure, we’re telling ourselves it’s all essentially wasted time. We believe that settling into a particular university course will dictate our career for the next 40 years - never mind that we had to pick our degrees fresh out of JC knowing very little of ourselves and the world. God forbid we swap majors or deviate from the career path it sets out for us. Or if a long term relationship ends, the fact that it didn’t end in marriage makes it a failure as well. In doing so, we end up negating all the things we’ve learned along the way. Through trying a bunch of things and changing your mind every now and again, you’re not wasting time, you’re getting to know yourself a little better. Life is a series of trial and error, and what you’re doing is learning.

People change

So now that we’ve established that feeling a little lost does NOT make you a failure, here’s something else to chew on. If you’re wondering what the heck you’re doing with your life, perhaps it means you’re in a sort of limbo. Maybe you’re in the process of realising what you once wanted for yourself no longer holds true now. Give yourself permission to be fluid and flexible. People change, circumstances change and so will your ambitions. Here’s why not knowing is a good thing - you channel it into fuel and let it feed your drive. Because no one ever really has it all figured out, and operating under the illusion that you do and you have your path laid out before you kills that hunger.

What do you want?

Screw knowing what you’re going to do with your life - it’s time to tweak this existential spiral of question. Think about what you’re doing today instead. It’s great to have a clear plan and an end goal in mind but if you don’t, well that’s just fine too. And the best bet to give yourself one is taking baby steps. Ask yourself “what do I want” - not some grand, hazy notion to come to pass in 30 years time, but in everyday things. What interests you? Who are the important people in your life? What do you like about yourself? What are things you might want to change? A little bit of introspection never hurt anyone. Explore how your values govern how you make decisions. The core truths will emerge, the ones that will carry you through career changes, relationship upsets and low key existential crises. So f#*k not knowing what the f#*k you’re doing with your life, because life will always be plagued with some element of uncertainty. Work on yourself instead, because security in who you are is one of the best navigational tools in your arsenal. Top Image Credit
"Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? And how they were punished because the people were so sinful?" "Of course. Cities of gays and fags. The result of Pink Dot succeeding." There is some laughter around the table. This is during a cell group meeting. I attempt to interject. "Well, they were rapists. You cannot overlook the fact that they wanted to gang rape the two visitors - who were actually angels - in Lot's house." "Yeah, but the rape is secondary. The angels were disguised as men and they wanted to rape the men. So the main reason is because they were a bunch of homos." Another cell member adds, "Actually, I think the real issue here is why Lot offered his two daughters to the gang-rapists..." and the discussion shifts towards this statement in which it is much more obvious why it is problematic. I am still listening, but I sigh inwardly. Such an episode is just one of the many instances in which I've come face-to-face with the hidden strand of virulent homophobia running within my church. I say hidden because my church does not openly promote an anti-LGBT campaign like Pastor Lawrence Khong of Faith Community Baptist Church; rather, LGBT issues are rarely spoken of in my church. Nevertheless, it occasionally bubbles up, revealing an image of simmering, virulent hate. Now and then, there are those few sentences in the sermon where LGBT rights gets lumped in with ISIS and Syria as the moral challenges faced by Christians today. There are the moments during cell group or Bible Study where homosexuals are unanimously denounced as those who will "go to hell" because "it is stated as a sin in the Bible". There are the snatches of gossip among my peers in church about finding the son of a prominent church member on Jack'd (a dating app for gays) while they were browsing it to see "how f***ed up it was". And inevitably, whenever Pink Dot rolls around for its weekend in June, half the church shows up on Sunday dressed like MPs, with the affirmation by the worship leader that "it is good to see where our church stands". It goes without saying that such moments make me uncomfortable. Not because I am a deviant destined for hell, but because of the ease with which a community of otherwise friendly people can turn into furious church militants, baying for condemnation, just on the subject of a person's sexual orientation. There are fellow church-goers I have talked to whom, for all of their dedication organizing church activities and running Sunday School for children, have spoken unblinkingly about playing a part in bullying classmates who were perceived as gay back in school - and who could laugh about it. One of them even declared, "If I found out my son was gay, I would beat the gay out of him. Seriously, having a gay son means you have completely failed as a parent." I tried asking one of the pastors later, "Surely there are LGBT people who are Christian too. Isn't it unfair to think that they will be condemned for it?" To which he replied, "If they are Christian, they must give up their deviant lifestyle and be straight again. If not, they cannot have their salvation." I still go to church. It is difficult to stop when your family attends it as well, and your father holds a prominent position within it to boot. Tongues will wag and gossip about a family member is by far one of the most damaging things for someone working in the church. Given that my father is the sole breadwinner of the family, the general anti-LGBT stance of the church, and the fact that I am the eldest son, there is a real fear that there will be disastrous consequences for my family if I come out or am ever discovered. Still, I consider myself fortunate. I have a handful of friends outside of church whom I've opened up to regarding my sexuality, and who give me great support and the space to really be myself. But the main reason, I suppose, for why I have managed to escape the more serious discrimination my gay friends face, is because I am bi.

Why being bi comes with a set of privileges in Singapore

At this point, it is essential to point out the differences between being gay and being bi. Much of the LGBT discourse here often conflates both sexualities and this often leads to misconceptions, even among the LGBT community. Some bizarre questions I have been asked by the friends I've come out to include: "How can you want to f**k a girl yet also wanna f**k a guy? Is that even possible?" "Does this mean your ideal sex is a threesome with a guy and a girl?" "So you can like, choose who you wanna get turned on by?" "Will you eventually decide on a single gender?" "Are you sure you're not just going through a 'gay' phase?" For a while, while I was still unsure, I said yes to that last question. But eventually, I realised that it was difficult to call it a "phase" since it's been going on since I reached adolescence a decade ago. I am attracted to both guys and girls. What else can I say? I exist in the spheres of heterosexuality and homosexuality simultaneously. And because of this, I have the privilege of being able to have a normative heterosexual relationship, while my gay peers are denied legality and status in their relationships. I will admit, there has been more than one occasion where I would use the hetero aspect of my sexuality to hide the homosexual aspect - i.e. putting on a "straight" front while catching up with my male friends, talking about a girl I genuinely found attractive, while appreciating how one of the guys served as great eye candy. The same goes for when I am in church. Some days, I feel my bisexuality is a blessing, but there are also days when I feel embarrassed and like I'm a sham. Sometimes, I wonder if it is even accurate to say that I can identify with the LGBT crowd. As one of my gay friends bluntly put it, I have an "escape option" within our conservative society, and it wasn't without a tinge of envy that he said it. "You can choose not to come out you know? Especially if you get into a relationship with a girl." It was a statement that made me very uncomfortable. For in a sense, it was true; on the surface, everything would look normal. Everything would be socially acceptable. My family and church would never have to know. I suppose it would save me and my family from an ugly fallout.

It's not a choice

Even so, I cannot hide the homosexual side of me, and neither can I deny it. People may disagree and I am perfectly fine with that; I just do not see self-denial or self-effacement as the solution. As cheesy as it sounds, I believe I must be true to myself. I simply cannot fathom pretending this side of me does not exist. The same goes for my attraction to women, despite my friend's insistence that "you'll eventually choose once you have had enough sex." I just happen to be wired this way. Perhaps it is in part because of my resolve not to be pressured into fitting in a "gay" or "straight" box, and in part, a fear of being discovered that I haven't been able to commit to any kind of relationship so far, be it with a guy or girl. What we really need is acceptance - acceptance of who we truly are. Privately, I support the Pink Dot movement, but with so much social pressure and religious intolerance working against us, I am pessimistic about anything concrete being achieved. For now, I shall just have to be content with that small freedom I have among my closest friends, for I am not strong enough to face the consequences of coming out yet. <a href=" Image Credit
Yesterday, Reddit user Atlas13666 posed this question to the Singaporeans of Reddit: What do you think of Singapore’s youth? In his original post, as a 19 year old and a youth himself, he shares his opinion of today’s youth as “kinda ignorant and narcissistic”. He goes on to say that most of his friends are more concerned with how many Instagram followers they have than on what they want to do in the future. This question invited a flurry of responses, and surprisingly, a large majority of them echoed the same sentiment: Give the kids a damn break. Some attributed their worry-free lifestyles to the fact that they grow up in much more fortunate circumstances.
At 19, our parents or grandparents were working because they had no choice. If this generation of young people have the luxury of caring only about their Instagram followers at 19, why not let them? They'll have time enough to care about adult things (house, car, finances) later on. Almost everyone is forced to grow up sooner or later. I don't mean that it's good that they only care about superficial things, but in the end, their loss. If you know what you want now, all the better for you. You'll have a headstart. - halfbakery
In the end, we all becomes adults when life demands it, and isn’t that all that matters? Why cut short your youth and rush into it?
Caring more about other things than the future is the privilege of a youth. They'll eventually learn otherwise. Haha for me as long as they don't commit crime or do stupid stuff can already - TheHungryTTK
Some were quick to associate people who are Instagram-obsessed with a lack of smarts
Anecdotally speaking, poly has a lot of those Instagram/clothes/popularity obsessed simple minded kids. Maybe about 70%. Never been to JC to see what that's like, though. - NervousDuckling
Some pointed out that generations have and always will be in conflict
People have bitched about the younger generation since time immemorial. - kronograf
Some pointed out that youth will be youth—today, 10 years ago and 10 years down the road—and they will always fixate on inconsequential matters
Ehh....its always been like that no? Today it's instagram, yesterday it was facebook, day before was friendster, day before was myspace. Wanna go further back? Week before it was who's best at chapteh, week before that was who's has the nicest marbles, week before that was who could get a perm. Youth = youth. We'll always be fixated on inconsequential things, because that's how we figure ourselves out. - lauises Reddiporeans in your 30s and above: seriously do you not remember what you were like when you were young? I do. I was a self-absorbed little shit who cared nothing more than what was hot at the time, what made me look the coolest, and what was the best thing to pretend to be passionate about so that I could impress girls. I used to write journals for years, and whenever I go back to reading them, I face-palm so hard my eyeballs pop out through the other side. When I'm not dying of cringe, I find my writing a fascinating look into the (complete lack of) depth of my knowledge and understanding of the world around me. The only problem with kids these days is that they have access to the internet which helps them advertise the stupid shit we all did. I for one am so glad I didn't grow up at a time of pervasive social networks. - rindojustrindo
Some drew analogies of the lifestyles of today’s youth with that of the youth of the past
back when i was a youth, all i cared about was mryandaoxxshadowsinxx, crimson balrog, rune plate scimitar and writing testimonials on friendster. today's generation cares about instagram, youtubers, influencers, chokers, NMDs?(whatever those are). each generation has their own obsession with something. globally all the youths too are obsessed with their followers on instagram etc etc. - donthavela
Generally, the response was positive for today’s youth. Youth will be youth, whatever the state of technology and the trends passing through. The way I see it, kids today are growing up too fast, being pressured to perform and succeed from such a young age. So I say have fun, see the world through youth-tinted glasses, do sh*t you’ll regret in like, 20 years time. Growing up in Singapore is stressful enough as it is and there will come a time when we must all be adults. Maybe your peers judge and maybe the "adults" don't approve, but what does it matter? Use your Instagram, Snap like there is no tomorrow, and when the time comes when we are old and cringe at the antics we used to pull, blame it on our youth. Like the Reddit user above says, living in the now and focusing on the inconsequential are the privileges of our youth.
The ability to trust oneself completely is rare. For most of us, it can be rather tricky. We all second-guess ourselves, have the tendency to not listen to our gut, and hold on to past mistakes that make it difficult for us to trust ourselves. While there’s nothing wrong with having a lack of self-trust, it might be beneficial to recognize the reasons behind it. Have you ever done something because someone else told you to? Made decisions that weren’t entirely your own? You’re not alone.

Two sides to every coin

There are two kinds of people: Those who’ve never been taught to trust themselves, and those who somewhere along the way, have lost trust in themselves. The first kind are the ones that have never been taught to be independent. Chances are they’ve always had parents, family or friends who modeled trust. These are the people who often run around seeking advice from people (whom they hopefully trust) about their life, relationship or career. They often let someone else – be it family or friends, make decisions for them. And I’m not talking about deciding on what to wear to a date. Ultimately, no one is going to be responsible for your future except you. So doesn't it sound crazy to allow someone else to make decisions for you? Every person in your life has the potential to leave you, except you. There’s no one you can completely rely on but yourself. The second kind, the ones who’ve lost their self-trust, is where the vast majority belongs. When we repeatedly fail or give up on something, instead of beating the odds, we begin convincing ourselves that we are just a bunch of “good-for-nothings”. When we come close to even thinking about giving up, we imagine part of our mind saying, ‘I knew it, I knew you were good for nothing, loser.” There’s nothing wrong with having a little bit of self-doubt. Everyone feels it. But gone unchecked, it has a way of getting under your skin. It gives you crippling anxiety that tricks you into believing that you’re not good enough, or that you’re not worthy of something.

Go easy on yourself

The problem is that many of us believe that we are the worst judge of our own character. We constantly beat ourselves up for not being good enough and let our past mistakes haunt us. But what does trusting yourself mean, exactly? And what makes it so difficult for us to trust ourselves? Trusting yourself is not just about being aware of your thoughts and feelings; it’s about expressing them. It’s knowing when you need to care for yourself first, knowing you can get up and try again when you make a mistake, and knowing what you want without the limitations of others. If we want to take our first step on the path to trusting ourselves, we have to 1) believe in our intuition, 2) take risks and make mistakes, and 3) forgive ourselves. While this may not be easy, it is absolutely essential for us to learn. The last thing we need to be doing is to stop judging ourselves based on our failures. Once we start trusting ourselves, we become less apologetic for our setbacks and less reliant on the opinions of others. We become better decision makers, because we’re only responsible for ourselves. As clichéd as it sounds, when we trust ourselves, we find ourselves in a better place.
Being likeable. It's something we're taught from a young age and is quite difficult to shrug off, this idea that likeability is an essential part of being a woman. We're meant to hold back, not be overly pushy, or loud, or say too much because in order to make our way in the world, we need to play nicely. But what happens when we make nice our number one priority?

You let other people direct your relationships.

When we try too hard to be likeable, the first thing to go is a sense of agency. We’re afraid to ask for too much or be too much, so we only want from others what they appear to want from us. …at least, that’s as much as you’ll admit to yourself. It's hardly a fulfilling way to operate, whether these relationships are professional or personal. In fact, you’re doing yourself a big disservice when you invest in a person and it's a one way street.

Negotiating your opinions.

Finding common ground - it’s the instinctive thing to do. Remember the rather questionable logic that if a boy picks on you in the playground, it means he likes you? Well surprise, surprise, that little adage does not fly in the real world. Whether in the workplace or on a Tinder date, nobody wants to be the first to offend. So we dish out tentatively phrased, easily digestible opinions. Things you may personally believe waver depending on the person you’re talking to. You remain quiet even when the chance to speak out presents itself. While it may be a harmless thing to do once or twice, making a habit out of diluting your views means you’re missing out on opportunities to clarify them. These are the things that shape you as a person, and talking - even disagreeing - with others can be a validating experience. Being different isn’t a bad thing.

Losing your voice.

The very social media-centric terms of “mansplaining” and “manterrupting” seem like they were coined specifically for hashtag purposes, but unfortunately for us women, they describe something all too real. How many of us can attest to trying to explain something, only to have a man needlessly interrupt or take our ideas and run with them? Backing up this phenomenon, the <a href=" app tracks (with illuminating results) just how often men and women speak up while at work. For a woman to speak up at work, it involves a balancing act of Cirque de Soleil proportions. Either she voices her thoughts and is perceived as too aggressive or a know-it all, or she’s barely heard. And when a man surfaces virtually the same idea, the default is a round of head nods and approval for his fine idea. There are countless <a href=" to prove it. So, it doesn’t exactly come as a shock that more often than not, we put our heads down and decide that less is more, that it’s better to be nice than to be heard. But if the absolutely boss women of the 21st century (hello, Angela Merkel, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama) have taught us anything at all, it’s to not be afraid of acknowledging our own expertise. If speaking up means being a #NastyWoman, so be it!

Your goals take a backseat.

Growing up, we were conditioned to put others first. We’re taught that the moral, socially responsible thing to do is to care for everyone else and when you slip into the bottom rungs of your own priority list, well, that’s pretty noble. While it's true that so much good can come out of a little selflessness, sometimes this mentality spills over into less benevolent circumstances. Like when you end up holding yourself back at your own expense - prioritising the feelings of someone who is hurting you, or feeling embarrassed about asking for a promotion you’re pretty sure you deserve. Sometimes, to put yourself first is practical, not selfish. That people have unconscious biases based on gender is a given, and you need to factor that in when you try to soften your approaches. You need to invest in yourself as much as you do others, because no way are you sacrificing your goals in an effort to be "nice". Your job isn't to make yourself likeable - it's to be your full self, someone who is honest and aware and embracing of yourself and others. It's to be ambitious and hopeful and real - basically, you just need to do you. The world will have to deal with it.

https://www.facebook.com/Urbanites.co/posts/1785171758398789

2016 was a weird year, to say the least. Dumpster fire, train wreck, and flaming hot mess are just some phrases one could use to describe the events of the year in the public sphere. But for many of us, 2016 might have been a shitty year on a much more personal level. If you’re nodding your head right now, this is for you. This is for those looking to dust themselves off and trudge on into a new year with hopes for better things. Maybe 2016 wasn’t a great year for your love life. Maybe you met that perfect someone only to realise he/she was attached. Maybe you lost someone you really cared about to silly differences or selfish actions. Maybe your dozenth one night stand had you realising that you should put your clothes back on and start looking for something real, or maybe a troubled relationship made you want to get back out there and have some fun. Let us remember that the most important love of all lies in accepting one’s self, because life is above all, a personal experience. In the moments when you’re alone in the shower, drifting into sleep or daydreaming on the train, you have only yourself and your thoughts to keep you company. If you can’t look in the mirror and love what you see, no one can look in your eyes and love you. Let us remember to practice self-love and strive to accept our own flaws while staying open-minded to change and self-improvement. Maybe 2016 took a dump on your career ambitions. Maybe obstacles like studies and financial difficulties started rearing their hideous little heads and throwing wrenches into your laid-out plans. Everyone’s got a plan until reality steps in and punches them in the face. Maybe you’re still searching for your “calling”; for that perfect job that will somehow grant you both fulfilment in life and a reasonable pay. Something that you enjoy, are good at, and can sustain you, all at the same time. And society expects you to find this magical trifecta-fulfilling job in less than a year. Screw that, am I right? I say take your damned time. If 2016 wouldn’t yield, maybe 2017 will. Maybe in 2016 you lost sight of the goals you had set for yourself. Maybe you gave up on going to the gym, eating healthy, or whatever it is you wanted to do to improve your quality of life or become a better person. Maybe you let your goals become chores. Maybe you left your motivation behind in April. Remember, going into 2017, that only you can set goals for yourself and decide what is good or bad for you. Don’t listen to others telling you what to do, and do what’s right for you. Ignore everything I’ve written, if that’s what you want. I don’t know you. You know you. As Earth hurtles into yet another revolution around the sun, let us remember to keep looking forward and leave the past where it belongs. Like a driver who keeps his eyes on the road and only occasionally glances in the rear-view mirror, let us remember that our journey lies ahead of us, not behind. Let us change what we can for the better, accept what we can’t change, and know how to tell the difference. And when we’re ready to step into 2018 this time next year, let’s hope we can look back and say, “Well, that was better.”

https://www.facebook.com/Urbanites.co/posts/1783009985281633

Growing up, you hear many things about what your 20s will be like. However, nothing anyone says can really prepare you for the real thing. This is the time in our lives when the hopes we’ve always had for the future get yanked out from the backs of our minds and are displayed right before our faces. When dreams are not dreams anymore, but decisions; reality. There’s no more time to say, “I’ll see how it goes,” or, “I’ll decide when the time comes.” The time has come, and the crossroads of your life are no longer in the future, they’re right before you. This is the age that fears we’ve never even conceived of having to deal with become very, very real. Will I spend the rest of my life alone? Will I marry someone who’s not right for me? Will I end up selling my soul for a job I hate? Will my life amount to nothing? Will the path I embark on now lead me to nowhere? And to think that you used to be afraid of getting rejected by your crush or of being unpopular in school. How silly you were. How you wish you could go back to simpler times and trade in your existential dread for your childhood fear of the monster under your bed. When we’re young, we can’t wait to grow up and be independent. But now that we’re here, we want nothing more than to go back. Because you don’t know what you have, till it’s gone and lost forever to the past. They say 25 is the age your body goes downhill. Well, they were right. Your step gets sluggish. Training for IPPT becomes so much more of a slog. Your sex drive takes a nose dive. When you used to climb mountains and surf waves and party all night, now all you want to do is curl up in bed with a bowl of chips and Netflix on your laptop. Your body begins to ache in ways you’ve never known it could, and while you used to feel immortal, you now begin to genuinely worry for your health and you see how that worry will control the rest of your life with endless check-ups and doctor’s appointments. They said to enjoy your life as a student, because working life will suck ass. And again, they were right. You worry if you’ve become one of the "boring old people” you’ve always criticized, and you freak out at the prospect of becoming too much like your parents, a future that teenage you swore to steer clear of at all costs. You wonder if the times you had partying and living it up as a student in college will be the most fun you will ever have had in your life. You fear that you’ll never enjoy your life any more than you did then. But it’s not all bad. You begin to learn that life is not simply a pursuit of fun and pleasure, but a journey laden with responsibility and a far deeper meaning than getting laid at the club. You stop looking for superficial connections, and start hoping for something real. Because while the fun years of your life might be over, the truly happy ones might just be beginning. You start to consider the legacy you'll be leaving, the mark you'll have on this world that will endure after you're gone. You hope to make an impact in a way and to a degree that teenage you could never realistically aspire to. To make the world a better place; spearhead research and development of new advancements; positively influence public opinion; help those desperately in need. And perhaps most importantly, you can begin to repay your parents for everything they've done for you. You might even begin to entertain the notion of taking on life’s ultimate challenge – having children. You realize that while as a kid you thought your parents knew everything, parents are just kids having kids. The prospect of shaping the life of another the way your parents shaped yours scares you shitless, but also fills you with hope and excitement. We all long to do something meaningful and great with our lives. Maybe this is it. 20-somethings hope for and fear a great many things, because such is the nature of life. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time, but every journey worth travelling is. 
For the last eight years, Michelle Obama has been a shining beacon in the White House for females, healthy food, fashion… even reppin’ Missy Elliot! Politics notwithstanding, she’d have learned a thing or two in her tenure as First Lady. So as 2016 draws to a close, she has some choice words for women everywhere. “Live out loud,” she said in an interview with Oprah. “Understand that what’s in your brain is really useful. Do not hide it. Don’t dumb it down. Don’t apologize for it. Just put it on the table and let people deal with it.” Now, that’s brave. And bold. And a little bit sassy. Obviously, we’re making it our mantra for 2017. But in the meantime, here’s to the women out there who are brave, bold and a little bit sassy. These are 4 reasons why you should stay exactly as you are.

1. You don’t back down - especially if it’s something you’re passionate about

Do you have that one topic that comes up in conversation from time to time, and that's guaranteed to trigger a heated discussion? GOOD (Note: not argument, discussion. Healthy, healthy debate). If you know what’s important to you and where you stand on a certain issue, when someone brings it up, you’re sure as hell going to say something. And being opinionated is not something to be apologetic about. Let’s just pause and think about the number of times we’ve hesitated to speak up at work because we’re worried about the negative connotations associated with disagreeing with someone. Or how many exclamation marks or smiley faces we tack on to the end of a message that doesn’t actually need them. And how many of us have inwardly cringed upon hearing our own voices go up a few pitches talking to someone - all this so we come across as appropriately bubbly and approachable? That’s all just the tip of the iceberg. We haven’t even touched on all the times we’ve deflected compliments for work we put hours of effort into doing. There’s no denying that we moderate ourselves around other people, but being perceived as nice doesn’t have to be the pinnacle of what a female can be. If you’re good at something, own it. And if you have an opinion on something, and freely and firmly express it regardless of how well it may be received, more power to you!

2. BUT if disagreement happens, you listen and consider opposing points of view

Just a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T… Aretha Franklin really nailed it there. Sassy doesn’t mean stubborn. Just because you have your own opinions doesn’t mean you don’t respect the views of others. Sure, you might not be the most agreeable person on the planet but you’re not above listening either. There’s something to be said for holding strong beliefs and defending them, while accepting that someone else may lie on the opposite end of the spectrum. There’s a wide array of thinking, and blind acceptance isn’t the only way to peacefully co-exist.

3. You’re not afraid to question

Whether it’s to clarify your thoughts or probe into others', you don’t pretend to understand things you don’t - you ask instead. You were that kid in primary school who 100% embraced the whole idea that there are no stupid questions. Maybe you took it that one step further and became the bane of your teacher’s life with all your (intentionally borderline stupid) asks. But hey, it just means you’re a straight-shooter. You’re as in touch with what you know as what you don’t know, and that sort of knowledge is power.

4. You love a challenge

And not just when it comes to a good debate. That fearless attitude toward expressing yourself and your opinions - that translates to your approach to life too! Your ability to hold firm against outside influences shapes your ability to handle most setbacks. Excuse the cheesy analogy drawn from a litany of female empowerment quotes on the interwebs, but if you want to teach em’ young to #staywoke, this is the lesson for girls to learn: You are not a sponge tossed about in a world where the odds are stacked against you, absorbing outsider’s perceptions of you, absorbing the gender pay gap, absorbing awful fashion trends even. You are a rock. You don’t defer to the powers that be, you stand against them. So, let’s hear it for the sassy women out there who never underestimate themselves, who stand their ground and wear their opinions proudly (resting bitch face optional).
In psychology, it is a basic tenet that human beings are social creatures who crave a sense of belonging. Common sense would seem to confirm this—regardless of introversion, much of our identity is still built on the relationships we forge and the people we care about. For many of us, our most precious memories do not begin and end with ourselves in isolation. Even then, amidst the noise and chatter of the crowd, it is inevitable to feel the pangs of loneliness. In Singapore, the superficial hyper-exposure endowed by social media and the fast-paced movements of a career-oriented society can easily drown out opportunities for intimacy. People are now only one WhatsApp message away, and yet, they have never felt more distant in the overwhelming sea of heartless noise that all millennials swim through. Especially if you are newly single or are constantly on the move, it is easy to fear the encroaching threat of solitude and the emptiness we commonly associate with it. To counter its onset, it seems instinctive to latch on to the closest friend at ungodly hours or hopelessly stalk a fantasy crush on Facebook. However, these approaches can lead to attachment issues, especially when our needy outbursts go unreciprocated. Personally, I can attest to the struggle of being seen as the “clingy” one in all of my relationships. As Singapore becomes increasingly individualistic, perhaps we should embrace solitude every now and then, crafting an identity that can stand strong even in the absence of others. Here are some simple strategies that I have adopted to cope with loneliness:

GO ON SELF-DATES

It’s the weekend and you have no social plans, but you still don’t want to drown in self-pity alone in your room. The perfect solution (if you have the budget to spare, that is): go out and treat yourself to a movie, complete with over-salted popcorn and the soothing darkness of a chilly cinema house. Coming from the distant and inaccessible suburbs of the Philippines, I can attest to the fact that Singapore makes it extremely easy for such spontaneous outings late at night. Watching a movie, having a meal at a restaurant—these activities are often reserved for “date nights” or other collective affairs. There is a certain stigma that comes with showing up to public spaces with no one to show for because it implies the lack of friends or perhaps even a snobbish attitude. But doing so doesn’t have to be depressing. Over time, confidently stepping out alone—even for casual walks down a silent neighbourhood—encourages you to appreciate yourself as someone truly worth spending time with.

TALK TO YOURSELF

This past semester, I took it upon myself to enroll in a Creative Nonfiction module. What started out as a mere venture of curiosity evolved into a new medium through which I could converse with and understand my deepest thoughts. I challenged myself to bluntly tell stories about my insecurities, even those that I have long since been terrified to outwardly confront. Writing is the perfect avenue for not only expressing yourself, but for also engaging yourself at a deep level. It enables you to organise your complex emotions, and preserves this mental struggle on a page that you are free to either share or keep to yourself for further reflection. Of course, writing isn’t the only mode of simulating a conversation with yourself. Film yourself while in a stream of consciousness, stage a self-interview, or even talk to your reflection. At the end of the day, keeping yourself updated on your own emotions and motivations helps you find comfort in the person behind the mirror, making you less dependent on some saviour to swoop in and save the day.

FIND THE PERFECT DISTRACTION

However, these two tactics can be stressful, particularly for those unaccustomed to throwing themselves into a state of isolation. It is only human to feel the need for company when it is least available to you, and no amount of time spent getting used to yourself may be able to alleviate that desire. In times like these, there is nothing wrong with immersing yourself in a different world as a momentary distraction. Pick up a new show on Netflix, re-read the Harry Potter series, get lost in Game of Thrones fan threads on Reddit—these sources of entertainment can give you a much-needed break from bouts of neediness and overthinking that can sometimes feel a bit too real to handle. It’s easy to condemn these one-off methods as superficial ones that merely “avoid the problem,” but let’s face it—we all need distractions every now and then to cope with pain in the moment. As an added bonus, you’re less likely to get bored! Living in a residential college for the past few years, I’ve learned that it’s important to navigate my social life with balance in mind. College students are prone to teetering between undying devotion to their social groups and shutting themselves off for self-care. After gradually coming to terms with my inevitable solitude, I found it much easier to strike a middle ground between these two extremes. Nonetheless, it is never easy to go against the social grain in public or scribble out personal thoughts that make you uncomfortable—the art of loneliness takes practice, and contentment only comes with time.
“Mankind does not strive for happiness; only the Englishman does that.” - Friedrich Nietzsche Someone recently asked me, “What do you really want from your life?” I said, “To be happy.” But even as the words came out of my mouth, I felt like I was copping out. What kind of a bullshit non-answer is that? Of course, everyone wants to be happy, but do we know how? Or why? No matter which angle you look at it from, modern 21st Century society seems possessed by an underlying obsession with happiness. We see it in every facet of our lives, from work, to healthcare, to literature, to art. An array of doctors, psychiatrists, HR managers, and self-help “gurus” constantly stand at the ready to ensure our continued happiness, and prescribe all manner of drugs, counselling, vacations, and motivational texts to correct any deviation from the set path of bliss. The happiness mandate permeates our culture in ways we simply cannot escape. But, why? Why are we so obsessed with being happy, and could our obsession actually be harmful?

NEITHER NEW NOR LIBERAL

The root of compulsory happiness lies in a socioeconomic ideology known as neoliberalism. Put simply, neoliberalism is the idea that the economy should be free from government restrictions, and that people should have the individual freedom to purchase or sell whatever they desire on the free market by way of demand and supply. Put very simply – imagine the younger, rebellious cousin of capitalism, who hates rules and just wants to be free. In a neoliberal economy, anything can be monetized. Regardless of whether consumers are paying for booze, clothes, food, or even sex (which is legal in Singapore), the neoliberal economy runs on one common commodity: happiness, or, each individual’s personal idea of happiness. “If it makes you happy, you can buy it,” says the neoliberal. Don’t know what makes you happy? Don’t worry, let advertising tell you. Of course, there isn’t any country in the world whose government subscribes fully to the neoliberal model, but its principles of individual freedom and free market consumerism apply to every capitalistic economy in the world, including those that pretend to still be communist *cough* China *cough*. As neoliberalism peddles happiness to the people that consist the economy, it also relies on happiness to survive. It is a known fact in economics that happy people spend more money. They go to restaurants, clubs, theme parks, and shopping malls more often, and spend proportionately more. The “work hard, play hard” adage is the mantra of the neoliberal economy, which espouses making more money and spending more money to feed into the wheel of peddled happiness that drives our society. Is this all wrong? I don’t know. Maybe this is how society is supposed to work. Or maybe we’re all just overconsuming on an endless happiness treadmill until we get numb from our blessings and constantly stay unsatisfied until we fall off. I can tell you how it is, but I can’t tell you how it should be.

EQUALITY OF EMOTIONS

If human emotions were J.K. Rowling characters, happiness would be Harry Potter. Everything revolves around that kid; it’s annoying. We constantly glorify happiness, while vilifying the other emotions of the spectrum, classifying them as “disorders” that need to be dealt with. Jimmy’s always sad? He suffers from depression. Jane gets angry at the slightest thing? She has anger management issues. Johnny’s deathly afraid of that one thing? He’s got a phobia. How about Phoebe, who’s constantly smiling and cheerful all the time? Oh, she just has a really fun, bubbly personality. Isn’t she lovable? There is a popular misconception that emotions somehow conflict with logical reasoning; the battle between the heart and mind, as some would conceptualize it. This could not be further from the truth. Modern scientists believe that emotions are tools that our brains use to organize and expedite rational thinking. Every emotion has a crucial function, not just happiness. If they didn’t, our brains wouldn’t have evolved them in the first place! Happiness acts as a sort of positive feedback mechanism, as in, “This is good for you, keep doing that.” Anger allows us to perceive injustice and wrongdoing more acutely, and respond in kind, as in, “That guy just tried to steal my goat and burn down my farm. I probably shouldn’t let him get away scot-free.” Sadness, as an inverse of happiness, acts as a negative feedback mechanism, saying, “This is bad, don’t let it happen again.” Fear helps to keep us alive, as in, “Don’t poke that venomous snake with your fat sausage fingers, you dumb buffoon.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not glorifying or trivializing conditions like depression and anxiety. These are problems that must be addressed, but demonizing and rejecting their underlying emotions while exalting happiness above all is equally dangerous. What advice do we normally give to people who are depressed or angry? We say, “cheer up, buddy”, “take it easy”, “stay positive”. Simply telling someone to ignore their other emotions and just “be happy” is terrible advice. It promotes the notion that happiness is only in someone’s head, that it’s a personal responsibility that others can wash their hands off. Our collective obsession with personal inner happiness can cause us to ignore valid grievances, enable exploitation, and tolerate external injustice that shouldn’t be tolerated at all.

EVERY EMOTION HAS ITS DAY

While all-pervasive in our neoliberal-capitalist society, our compulsive desire for happiness might paradoxically be pushing us away from really being happy. We pursue economically-serving surrogates for happiness like overpriced bags and cars that let us pretend we’re happy, while setting us on a downward spiral towards depression as we chase mandatory happiness in the face of ignored hardship, and repeatedly find ourselves falling short. We ask ourselves, “Why am I not good enough to get that raise?” or, “How can Suzanne afford that Louis Vuitton bag when I cannot?” Perhaps, a healthy mental state requires embracing all our emotions to build a more robust sense of harmony and inner peace, where we can be truly happy with who we are, because the pursuit of happiness can only be healthy when balanced and grounded with its accompanying emotions. Or maybe, the neoliberals had it right all along, and running endlessly on the happiness treadmill is truly the meaning of life. What do you think?