It all started when I was at a university camp in year 2. I could hear voices in my head—voices that didn’t exist. Voices of family and friends criticising me behind my back even though I didn’t physically see or hear them. Then, paranoia would set in. At some points, I could even hear the lecturer speaking to me directly even though he was talking to the whole student body.

I Couldn’t Even Trust Myself Anymore

I had all these thoughts about my friends and family shaming me and being out to get me. But the logical side of me knew that they wouldn’t because we were very close. It’s as if there was a war going on in my head. Negative thoughts kept creeping in while I kept fighting to make sense of reality. It was distressing and I started to feel abnormal. It frightened me so much that I couldn’t even trust myself to differentiate between what’s real and what's not anymore.

I could hear two voices when there was only one person talking to me.

Despite all these, I continued with school and extra-curricular activities thinking it would eventually go away with enough rest, but that did not happen. Things got worse and at one point, I would even be hearing two voices when there was only one person talking to me. I eventually told my parents about it and we went to the nearest polyclinic for treatment.

Learning That I Was ‘Sick’

I was referred to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH), where I was assessed and eventually diagnosed with Psychosis, a mental illness where a person experiences hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions. Most people would associate IMH with ‘crazy people’ and shun the institution like it’s a disease. But I was relieved to be there and to find out that what I had been going through was real, that there was an explanation for it and I could get proper treatments for it.

Hitting Breaking Point

However, initial feelings of relief turned into fear. The fear of what people around me would think when they find out that I have a mental illness. The fear of going for treatments because if someone I know saw me, I wouldn’t know what to say. Most importantly, I feared that I wasn’t going to be able to recover. I could not even feel safe at home. I’d have nightmares and wake up with panic attacks. I was constantly on high alert, was very stressed and anxious all the time, and everything I did was a challenge. Even daily functions like bathing, brushing my teeth, and getting out of the house for lunch were a struggle. The breaking point came when I realised that I could not even trust myself about what I have heard and had to rely on others to verify the facts. It was so humiliating having to depend on others for something so basic. I started to binge-eat and suffered from insomnia. There were also periods where I felt completely numb and disassociated from everyone and everything. I felt like life was worthless and I became suicidal.

How was I supposed to keep up with everything when I was struggling so hard to even be alive?

Soon after, the doctor diagnosed me with depression. The fight against depression was long and difficult. It was especially tough when I had to go back to school. I hadn’t attended class for more than a month, my attendance was slipping, and I was often faulted for not contributing to group projects because I couldn’t turn up. How was I to keep up when I was struggling so hard to even be alive?

The Road To Recovery

My turning point came when my sister brought me to church. It was there that I found a community who loved and cared for me for who I am and not what I have. I was trained, taught, and given opportunities to rise up and do things I'd never thought I’d been able to do. These pushed me to progress in my recovery.

They were the reasons I held on a little longer each week.

My spirituality and relationship with God were what kept me going. I stopped feeling suicidal after having my own revelation that regardless of how tough life is, I’ll always cherish this life I have. My family played an important role as well, for supporting me in every decision I made and ensuring that I was taking the steps I needed to get me through every day. I was also in this mental health community called the Early Psychosis Intervention Programme (EPIP), where a caseworker will check on me frequently to ensure that I was doing fine. Being in Club EPIP allowed me to hone and strengthen my cognitive abilities which had deteriorated over time. It opened my eyes to the fact that I was not alone in battling my inner demons. The Peer Support Specialists there inspired me to believe that recovery is possible.

Getting A New Lease Of Life

It’s been 4 years since I was first diagnosed and I’m very grateful that today, I can say that I’ve recovered and no longer depend on any medications. Today, I have a purpose in life. I’m thankful and grateful for all the guidance I received from church and EPIP, and now that I’ve completed my degree and also graduated from the Peer Support Specialist course offered by the National Council of Social Service, I want to work in the mental health sector. Additionally, I’ve continued to serve in two ministries in my church (since my school days), and am volunteering at mental health organisations like Silver Ribbon and Institute of Mental Health.

Recovery Is A Journey, Not A Destination

This experience has changed my family and my mindset of mental illnesses. And it was through the trials that we grew closer as a family. My journey to recovery also taught us the importance of communication and ensuring that everyone in the family was doing okay in their lives. This journey has also taught me to love myself more, to take care of myself first before I can help others. It has taught me patience and trust especially in times of unknown and of distress. More than ever, I value health as an important part of my life today, and I take concerted steps to sustain my recovery. Recovery is a journey and not a destination. The process of recovery is far more valuable than the destination.

Spread Awareness Of Mental Health

Never judge a book by its cover. People suffering from mental illness don’t look any different from someone who does not. Do your part to spread love and kindness to everyone because a suicidal person could be smiling on the outside, but is actually waiting for someone to stop them from dying.

Don't think that you aren't able to help someone suffering from a mental illness.

Don’t compare mental illnesses because every symptom experienced by someone with a mental illness is very real. And if you think that you are not able to help someone with psychosis, depression, or any mental illness, know that this isn’t true. Your very presence in times of difficulty and distress means a lot to the person. A genuine “how are you feeling?” and listening to them sharing their deepest thoughts is perhaps all they need. Why should we treat mental illness as a taboo when mental illness is as important as our physical health? With World Mental Health Day round the corner, join us at the Voice Out concert at Singapore Botanic Gardens on Saturday, 7 October, to learn about mental illness and spread love. Also read, My Sexuality, My Right: “A Stranger Wanted Me To Apologise For My ‘Lesbian Appearance'”.

You can never really judge from first impressions. The kindest of souls could be heavily covered in tattoos and piercings, and the most malicious could be leaders at welfare groups. Be it in romance or friendship, some of us tend to attract or be attracted to the ‘wrong’ people. Some, we’d avoid due to the bad vibes we get right from the start. Then, there are those who’d gradually become toxic even though they were angels at the beginning. It could be an abusive lover or an obsessive friend, but unhealthy relationships will take its toll on anyone over time, sucking away our energy and killing us slowly from the inside. For 5 Singapore millennials who have walked away from a toxic relationship, the emotional (and some, physical) scars will never really go away, but at least life’s much better now. *All names have been changed for privacy reasons.

“He Yelled Right Up In My Face Like A Drill Sergeant”

He was a boyfriend from uni who had a big ego, a serious anger management issue, and very stubborn – it was either his way or the high way. I was constantly walking on egg shells when I was with him and angry outbursts was a norm. From taking a fry from his plate to making a casual remark, the smallest things would set him off. It’d lead to him shouting and even throwing things at me. He'd yell at me like a drill sergeant up close in my face while I was backed into a corner, “if you didn't make me angry I wouldn't have shouted (or broken that, or thrown this).” And I would beg for his forgiveness. He chipped glassware, broke my bedside table, and dented my door. He made me cry on my birthday because I glanced at his phone (which was lying around) when a message came in. I went to my birthday dinner with a splotchy face and eyes red and swollen. I couldn't cry in front of him either. I had to hide in the bathroom to cry because he would see me anywhere else in the house and make that a whole other issue. Good days were good but bad days made me want to hurt him and myself. Everything was emotional and mental. I had to graduate and move back to Singapore (away from him) before I could break up with him. I was scared of him doing anything to me or himself if I was still around. Even after, he’d spam call me at work, livid from the breakup and threatening to kill himself. Moving on from the relationship, I realised my number one priority is me. It may sound selfish but I learnt to put my body and state of mind first. I learnt to say "no", and that a guy who doesn't respect you, who mistreats you, and who doesn't see you as their equal, is a guy not worth spending a second with. – Nellie, 24

“'WTF Is Your Problem?' Was Her Reaction To The Littlest Things”

On the second year of our relationship, she no longer wanted to do the things we both used to enjoy together. She'd constantly come up with excuses not to do things with me. Whenever I suggested spending time together, she'd scold me for being needy, “don't you have other people to bother?" She'd get agitated very easily, threatening to end the relationship over the smallest disagreements. "If you're not happy, then break up" became a common phrase in her vocabulary. She would belittle me and make fun of my flaws and insecurities in front of my friends and even lecturers (we were schoolmates). It got to a point where people asked how I was able to deal with a person like her. They started to perceive me as a 'weakling' and that I wasn't ‘the man in the relationship', which really affected my self-confidence. The relationship became an endless cycle of bickering. Whenever I tried to talk things out nicely, she’ll react with this exact phrase: “WTF is your problem”. Even the most innocuous of questions would set her off – I’d casually asked who she was going out with and she'd go, “WTF is your problem”. She’d assume that I had a problem with who she was going out with, which would escalate into a huge argument with her bringing up past arguments. It was mentally and physically draining, but I held on. I believed in her and hoped that things would improve. I wasn’t one to just give up on things. Nearing the end, I surprised her with a trip to Japan in hopes that it’ll salvage our relationship. I had even bought all the tickets and accommodation. But she got angry instead. She was pissed that I planned it without her knowledge because she said she didn’t really want to go overseas (even though we did have plans for a grad trip awhile back). She left me for good a month ago. Despite being the saddest I've ever been, a little part of me is relieved that it's over. I’m thankful that she ended the relationship, as it’s something I never had the courage to do. If there's one thing I learnt out of this, it’s that not everything I lose is a loss. – Damien, 20

“He Was A Good Person To Gossip With, But Not A Friend”

I’ve been friends with S for almost 2 years and we were pretty close. S was a very gossipy kind of guy, so our clique and I saw him as another ‘girlfriend’. He'd always dig out negative stuff from people to gossip about, but he never saw the possibility of being a ‘toxic person’ himself. I don’t usually share my personal problems with others when I’m sad, but I was facing a relationship problem this once and needed to talk to someone about it. After being a close friend to S for 2 years, I decided I could open up to him. We met for over 5 hours where I shared my problems with him. He advised me to break up with my then boyfriend. I felt things weren’t that bad to just end a relationship over, so S suggested a timeout. I thought about it and agreed that a timeout could work, so that was what I did after. My boyfriend pacified me a few days into our time out and we made up. But when I told S the good news, he was angry that I was on good terms with my boyfriend so quickly. S said that this whole thing was bullshit and that I totally wasted his time when I shared my problems with him. He asked me not to look for him anymore because I wasted his time. I was shocked and upset as I had never shared my personal problems with him before. After I clarified that with him and assured him that I won’t ever look for him again, he just did a 360-turn and said that I could still look for him if I wanted. The second incident happened when S told me we should meet up with a common friend, J, before J enlisted. I said okay. S said he would get back to me after he confirmed the meet-up with J. Time went by, S never got back, and I had forgotten about it. On the day we were supposed to meet, S asked about what the plans were for that day. I felt bad that I forgot and had already made plans, so I asked S to relay my apology to J. S wanted me to apologise to J myself instead, so I did. Turns out that S didn't even tell J about the meetup. So I was behaving like an idiot apologising to J about a meetup that wasn’t even going to happen. When I confronted S about it, he said, "I knew you won’t have time for him one what." He found it fun to see me acting like an idiot and laugh at me over it. It was almost like an elaborate prank he set up to make me embarrass myself because he enjoyed ‘the drama’ that came out of it. – Jess, 21

“She HAD To Be Part Of All My Social Circles”

I have been very close to X since we were 15. She was my go-to friend for anything from hanging out to sharing personal problems, and is generally a fun and loyal person. However, there were always things that stopped me from seeing her as my best friend. It started off mild with random anger outbursts or being triggered by littlest things during secondary school. But that part of her went away as we grew older. Then, I started noticing that she’d always work towards ‘doing better’ than me. She had even picked up a particular interest I had – one she used to say she didn’t understand, couldn’t appreciate, and “just not (her) thing”. It seemed like she did it just so she could have ‘the same skill’ I had, or that she just wanted to be a part of that particular interest group. Meanwhile, I knew she still didn’t really like that interest even after picking it up (she told me). She was very possessive and insecure. She had to know whoever I was friends with. And if I went out with our mutual friends without her, she’d get upset that we didn’t ask her along. She had to be part of all my social circles else she’d use her ‘best friend card’ and say that she’s left out. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have other friends either. She had plenty. Once, she got so jealous when a guy she had a crush on started texting me, she stopped talking to me. I did eventually stop texting that guy after ghosting him, but when I tried texting her, she never replied. Just like that, we ‘stopped being friends’ for awhile. It was upsetting that she didn’t trust me enough to know that I would never get close to any guys romantically if it was her love interest. When we started working together, she got jealous that I was closer to our other colleague than she was to him. She was upset that he texted me about non-work stuff but not her. Also, both the guy colleague and I were already attached, so we were merely chatting casually. She’d want to read my messages with him, I’d let her, and then she’d get even more jealous after. While I’d thank her for being a large part of my growing up and forming a piece of who I am today, I’m glad I had the guts to properly ‘end a friendship’ with someone this possessive, insecure, and incredibly volatile. – Barbara, 26

“I Lived In Constant Fear Of Being Hit And Burnt By Cigarette Butts”

He was my 2^nd boyfriend and the one whom I gave my virginity to. The start was rainbow and butterflies but we started arguing a lot over stupid things 4 months in. Only then did I realise that this guy has a bad temper. He started abusing me verbally which soon became physical too. The first time he laid hands on me was when we were arguing and I retorted at him. He walked back and slapped me across my face. He became extremely possessive, controlling what I wore and who I hung out with. We’d even fight over me saying "hi" to a male classmate. He started hitting me more. He'd even push me against the wall and burn my hands with cigarette butts. Even then, I chose to stay with him. The peak of the abuse was when he met up with his ex just so they could call to mentally and emotionally torture me. While I had so many chances to walk away, I chose to stay. I would walk into class with slap marks on my face and eyes bloodshot from crying. People asked why I chose to stay but it really wasn’t easy when any hint of a break up would turn into a war zone between us. Threats to contact my parents and friends just told me to shut up and stick by him. It finally ended when I realised my grades were dropping drastically. I didn’t want my parents to find out about it and moreover, I didn’t want to live in constant fear that anything would result in a big slap or worse. Plus, I found out that he was also seeing another girl. Given that I gave so much to him, ending the relationship hit me hard. I started partying, drinking, and going home drunk. This ratchet life went on for 1.5 years before I told myself to snap out of it and get a grip of life because there’s so much more to it than feeling sorry for myself. This relationship really gave me trust issues. I became extremely guarded towards relationships and I could no longer love anyone 100%. Even till this day, I still have a visible scar from what he had done to me. Instead of crying over it, I take it as a reminder that life will throw you shitty things but what matters is how you deal with it. – Perlyn, 26

Tough Times Don’t Last, Tough People Do

No matter how toxic a relationship becomes, it can be very hard to walk away from people you were so close to. But when you do, you’ll walk away so much stronger and wiser a person. You’ll learn to love yourself more because only then can you <a href=" loving another person. Also read, 9 Moments In National Day History That Made Us Damn Proud To Be Singaporean.  

After over 20 years of rushing assignments and mugging for papers, you’ll heave a euphoric sigh of relief that you’ve finally graduated. Then come the questions from friends, lecturers, and family: “So what’re going to do next?” or “Have you applied for jobs yet?” For some, you’ve got your ideal path charted out for yourself – good on you! But for many, those questions are as dreadful as the “why are you still single” questions at every family gathering, because honestly, you don’t really know. In the case that you’re stepping out into the ‘working world’, you do have interests of course. You’re keen to learn and grow in a job somewhere, somehow. Yet, you’re filled with doubts. Whether you’ve just graduated and feeling lost, or (like me) have been unsure and hopping from one job to another, know that that’s fine. There’re many Singaporeans who’ve gone through this phase as well, and that doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re flaky. We reached out to 5 Singapore millennials, who shared their journey in finding themselves and their career path.

“Time is so important, so do something you truly find satisfaction in.”

I don't think I had any idea of what I really wanted to do after graduation. I went into procurement, HR, and corporate services on my first job, which wasn't something I expected to be doing at all since I studied Sociology. I then moved on to PR, and today I’m an editor at an online publication. Switching between jobs is something pretty common among peers, and it's not because we're 'soft' or anything. We're just taking more time to find a path that truly suits us. I have switched to different work scopes myself, as I was finding a field I could truly excel and find satisfaction in. Personally, I leave the moment I feel like I'm stagnating, because time is so important. And after going through three jobs, I kind of know where I find the most job satisfaction and which path I can embark on.

It’s Alright…

Don't be afraid to try different jobs, but always know what you're looking for in the long term and work towards it. Don't waste yours, or anyone else's time. – Melissa, 27, Graduated 2013, on the 3rd job

“Everyone’s got a different mindset, so don’t get pressured by others”

Since I graduated with a degree in Banking and Finance, I've changed three jobs and am on my fourth now. I was a bank teller for a year and a service ambassador for another. Afterthat, I taught at an enrichment centre – I used to give tuition during my poly days and I love kids. It was a fulfilling two years before I joined Singapore Airlines as a stewardess. I am a mortgage broker today and my job is to find the best private home loan for homeowners. One of my reasons for switching jobs is to seek new challenges in life. I also felt that I needed to explore different careers before settling on one. I feel that everyone has a different mindset. My parents, spouse, friends, and colleagues have all been very supportive and they would encourage me to go for what I want instead of staying stagnant. However, there were interviewers I met who'd comment on how I changed jobs too quickly and that my experience in different industries varies too much (to be useful).

It’s Alright…

Take your time to find the right career. Your first job may not be your last. Learn as much as you can from every job. Lastly, don't get pressured by anyone, just follow your heart. – Patrina, 27, Graduated 2014, on the 4th job

“If You Are Unsure, Just Try Everything.”

I wanted to be a Radio DJ when I started studying Mass Communication in poly, but my interest pivoted to advertising while there and that stuck until when I was in uni. I got an internship in events management when I left uni, and stayed on in events for about 3 years in 3 different companies. I eventually left in 2016 to pursue something entirely different: standup comedy. I am currently freelancing as an AV crew and emcee, but it’s more to feed myself while I pursue standup comedy. Ultimately, I see standup as my long-term goal. My parents weren’t too pleased with my hopping around from one job to another. They'd say that prospective employers will think I’m not loyal or capable enough to stay in a company. And I do agree. I’ve had bosses who would tend to comment things like, “aiya, all these young kids now like that one la” whenever a (millennial) colleague leaves the company. I think it’s normal for older generations to ‘compare’ and stereotype because we all do. Concurrently, I do think there are people our generation who are pampered.

It’s Alright…

If you are unsure, just try everything. Within my limited scope of experience, I feel there are only two types of people who won’t succeed: Lazy people who blame everything on everyone else. And close-minded people who are unwilling to accept change or criticism. Go into every job with an open mind. You never know where it will lead you and what you may suddenly find interest in. As the Chinese saying goes, "船到桥头自然直", which translates to mean ‘when the boat reaches the harbour, it will naturally go straight’. In other words, everything will be alright. – Eugene Soh, 26, Graduated 2015, on the 3rd job

“You’ll Learn More About Yourself Along The Way”

I only vaguely knew what I liked but had no concrete idea of what I wanted to do after I graduate. Not counting the first internship, I'm on my third job after graduation in 2013. From the different jobs that I have done, I learnt a lot more about what I enjoyed and what I wanted to dedicate myself to. And honestly, once you experience the joy of doing something that you truly like, it changes how you view work. I did Sociology in school, started working in the community sector, and now I'm on my second job in the arts industry. And even now, there are still many things that I want to try.

It’s Alright…

Remember that who you are isn’t only reflected by how well you do at work. There’s a lot more that makes up who you are as a person. So it’s okay to not know what you want to do. Just keep trying new things and you’ll learn more about yourself along the way. – Michelle, 27, Graduated 2013, on the 3rd job

“You Will Eventually Find Your Path”

I wanted to become a pre-school teacher when I was young. I even took an early childhood education cert before my Diploma in Business Admin. But after a 3-month internship, I realised it wasn’t something I could do for a long time. At first, I didn’t know what I wanted to do so I just did whatever gave me a better salary. I was practical. But I always find myself getting bored after a year or less. After Poly, I jumped from being a Distributor Support Representative to a Sales Coordinator to a Bank Assistant in an IT dept to  doing admin work at another bank. I finally found my career path on my fifth job, in events management. It’s a job that constantly challenges me to innovate and improve, and that gives me great satisfaction, especially when I hear feedback from all the happy clients I work for.

It’s Alright…

You don’t have to worry or think too much about switching jobs. What you’re studying now may not apply to what you’re going do in the real world and work experiences are way more important. Your first job may not be what you like to do and you may end up feeling lost. But it’s just part and parcel of our life. Eventually, you will find a job you like – I did. – Kristin, 29, Graduated 2009, on the 5th job

“Don't Be Afraid To Explore”

One thing for sure, you shouldn’t be afraid to dabble in different things. At the end of the day, if you’re going to be spending all those hours working to survive, make your time worthwhile – do something meaningful for you. Admittedly, we are a generation blessed with a lot more opportunities and possibilities than our moms and dads. So, what better way to take advantage of that than to go forth and explore! Also read, Baristas From 6 Singapore Cafes Spill The Beans On The Weirdest Customer Requests.

As we edge into our twenties, we begin to accept the fact that we are really no longer kids. Most of us would be either completing our studies or building up a career. It’s scary to even think of having a baby ourselves. Being a parent is no easy feat. It's even tougher when you're young and hadn't planned to be one yet. We often hear about the trials and tribulations from girls who went through teenage pregnancy, or from being a young mother. However, rarely do we get to hear from the dads who’ve stuck by the ladies through such situations. This Father’s Day, we reached out to 29-year-old Charles John (CJ). This is his story of being a young father to a child out of wedlock.

Getting 'Caught In A Situation'

Back then, I had been dating my girlfriend, Mieko, for 2 years. We both used to smoke and drink a lot, but one day she just couldn’t stand the smell of smoke anymore. That was when we suspected that she could be pregnant. Furthermore, she had missed her period for one and a half months. It was only after a pregnancy test kit from 7-11 and a visit to polyclinic later that our suspicions were confirmed. Mieko was pregnant. I was going to be a father.

Her Parents Gave An Ultimatum

I was shocked, of course. A part of me was in panic mode because we were young and not married. But at the same time, I was happy and excited that we were going to have our own flesh and blood. We didn't have big doubts on keeping the baby because we felt it was only right to, but our parents didn’t take it very well. When Mieko told her parents, they gave her an ultimatum to abort the baby or be thrown out of the house. We both struggled with the decision to abort after that. But after seeing the first ultrasound at the hospital – we just couldn’t bear to abort. Even after Mieko told her parents, I struggled to break the news to mine. Mieko eventually texted my mother about it and my mother was shocked. She reasoned that life would be difficult as we were financially very unstable. To add on to the stress we were facing, she is also a practicing Catholic so she wanted Mieko and I to get married before our baby was born. However, Mieko was only 18 and considered a minor so she needed consent from her parents for marriage. Her parents did not approve since Mieko was still very young. We eventually waited till she was 21 and got married.

Harsh Realities

Mieko was only 18 then and working part-time while doing her diploma. I was 22 and just started my first full-time job at Keppel shipyard. Reality hit that we weren’t financially stable to support ourselves, much less bring a child up. My worries were mainly the financial aspects, but this can be worked on. On the negative thoughts people may have of me, I think nobody dared to say negative things to me directly. But I can’t deny that there were sentiments that bothered me slightly. I just ignored it and concentrated on our happiness.

Making The Decision

Despite everything, Mieko and I decided to keep the baby. We are Roman Catholics and it is against our religion to abort a baby because we believe that every child is a gift from God. We also felt that this would be a new and interesting chapter of our lives together that will better us in our lifestyles, making us more responsible adults.

No Longer Young And Wild

There were definitely many things that we had to change. Before, we would spend freely without thinking. I’d spend a lot on things like cigarettes and alcohol, and go clubbing every week. When Dayna happened, I stayed home more often so I could save more money. I told myself that I’d never allow myself to go ‘bankrupt’ ever again. We've been thriftier. We don’t go clubbing often anymore. Even when we do, it’s probably once in a few months. Our entire paycheck now goes towards daily necessities, bills, and our kids. Compared to our younger, wilder days, we now meet up with friends over meals or they would come over to our place. We’d just chill at night after the girls have gone to sleep and maybe have a few drinks to relax. As a person, I became much more patient. Instead of letting my temper get the better of me, I’ve learnt to take a breath and keep my cool.

Being A Father Is Rewarding

Becoming a father in an unplanned pregnancy and before marriage has its challenges. There were many things that I had to change – it’s no longer a care-free lifestyle where I can do whatever I wanted. If my baby girls cried for food in the middle of the night, I'd wake up to feed them. My priority is now my girls. And it’s all worth it when I see them smiling and laughing back at me. As a father, that’s also the most rewarding part – to see your children happy.

Don’t Regret Your Decisions

If there are friends who find themselves in the same position as I was, I’d say, “Whatever it is, if you have a strong feeling on a decision and feel that it’s right, just go for it. Don’t follow people’s decisions and regret on it later.” Also read These 14 Heartwarming Stories Show That A Mother’s Love Is Like No Other.

Singapore is known to be a racially harmonious country, but are we really? Slightly over a week ago, we posted a video where an Indian girl shared about her experience with racism in Singapore. Hundreds of comments came in, with many Singaporeans sharing their own run-ins with racism in our country. Recently, there was also a huge hoo-ha surrounding a Facebook post by local actor Shrey Bhargava, in which he expressed his disappointment and disgust over being told to perform as “a full blown Indian man” and to “make it funny” at the Ah Boys To Men 4 casting. He said the incident made him “feel like a foreigner in my own country”. The post caught the attention of Shrey’s friends and followers, with many agreeing that minorities are often typecasted into moulds the majority has set. The post garnered even more attention when Singapore blogger Xiaxue posted her thoughts on it. She explained how “movies are chockful of stereotypes” and said Shrey should “stop being so hypersensitive and uptight”. Many Singaporeans also took to their social media to weigh in on this whole ‘Minority VS Majority Race Thing’. This is all worrying proof of how divided we are right now. Take for example the Geylang Serai Ramadan Bazaar. What should have been a happy celebration over the Ramadan period has become the subject of heated racial debates. What is happening, guys?

Non-Halal Items At A Ramadan Bazaar

The Geylang Serai Ramadan Bazaar have been around for a long time. Spanning the entire month of Ramadan, the annual bazaar is more than a glorified festival or pasar malam. The bazaar is meant to be a celebration of the traditions and heritage of the Muslim community, tying in Muslim beliefs like giving back to the community, abstaining from anything Haram (forbidden by Islamic law), and spending time with loved ones. This year's Ramadan Bazaar boasts 1,000 F&B stalls – a large number, which had the team at The Halal Food Blog raising their eyebrows. With that, they went through the tedious effort of checking out every stall at the bazaar <a href=" suss out what’s halal and what’s not. What they found: “it seems like just around 50% of the stalls could be verified as Halal or Muslim-owned. The other half were either not Halal/Muslim-owned OR when we asked, they were not able to justify whether or not their stall was Halal.” There were stalls that put up makeshift signs that say “Halal” or “Halal Foods”. Upon probing, they were told by the stall attendants that it’s “no pork no lard”. The blog post stirred the sentiments of the Muslim community. Some find it disrespectful, because it taints the very existence of a Ramadan Bazaar – why is there non-halal food in a Ramadan Bazaar? For some, it boils down to giving basic respect to the Muslim community, whether it be by giving priority to Muslim tenants, or by being transparent about whether their food and beverages are halal or not.

Conversation With A Muslim Friend Of Ours

Racially Sensitive Remarks

The other issue plaguing the bazaar is even more troubling as it touches on issues of Chinese privilege and of Malays being a minority. It all started when local influencer Ellie posted Instagram Stories about the bazaar with captions like “Food sucked. Don’t go to (the Ramadan Bazaar)”, and “Sucked Balls”. Twitter user Dil (@punkylemon) responded with screen captures of these IG Stories, coupled with a tweet saying “What makes you think the ramadan bazaar is for your privileged chinese ass.”

Image captured from @punkylemon’s Twitter profile

With over 3,000 retweets, it seemed the public consensus was with Dil; Ellie was being rude and disrespectful to the Bazaar and/or the Muslim tradition. Dil followed up with several related tweets.

Images captured from @punkylemon’s Twitter profile

Ellie, who goes by the moniker ell4d on Twitter and Instagram, has since removed the Stories in question and has posted a public apology.

Image Credit: @ell4d’s Twitter profile

There are those who sided with Dil on “Chinese privilege”, as you can see from the following tweets.

Image captured from @asyikinyusoff’s Twitter profile

Image captured from @jobot935’s Twitter profile

Image captured from @punkylemon’s Twitter profile

Tweets on the other end of the spectrum came in too.

Image captured from @hadi_abd92’s Twitter profile

Image captured from @SIYUAN20’s Twitter profile

Image captured from @KereneRawrhs’s Twitter profile

What’s wrong? What’s right?

Is the bazaar getting too commercialised for its own good? Now that more non-Muslims are flocking to the bazaar for the food and festival vibe, are Muslims bothered by it? As a Muslim in Singapore, how affected are you when non-Muslim Singaporeans make remarks like those mentioned above? Instead of deciding for ourselves, we asked our Muslim friends and here are their thoughts.

Natasha: I think it’s insensitive to make such remarks but I try to think of it positively.

Ain: I do get annoyed, but when did we become so intolerant of one another?

Maira: I don’t really care about such comments, but generally people should watch what they post.

Siti: I’m not offended, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

We all have our own personal beliefs, but in this racially hypersensitive time, we think all of us should be more aware of what we say to one another. What do you say? Also read People Leave, But You Don't Have To Be The One Left Behind (Top Image Credit: theodysseyonline)

Have you ever felt paiseh from the way your mom shows her love to you? We have. When we were kids, we may not have realised the significance of the things our moms did for us. Now that we're older, we realise their love comes in many forms, from the biggest of sacrifices to the simplest of actions--even those that make us feel super paiseh.  From embarrassing us on Facebook to pronouncing things their own unique way, here are some heartwarming (and slightly embarrassing) moments these Singaporeans shared with their moms. *Some names have been changed for privacy reasons.

1. She’ll pout if I don’t hug her

She makes me hug her every day before I leave for work. If I don’t, she’ll pout and say: “Come back, never hug.” – Tyler Kor, 27

2. She calls me ‘bao bei’ in public

I’m already 30 this year, but my mom still calls me “bao bei” (Mandarin for ‘precious’) in front of people. It’s quite embarrassing but I know she means it as an endearment. – Roger, 30

3. She is very thick-skinned when it comes to discounts and freebies

My mother always asks for discounts and freebies because she wants to give us good food and freebies to try. Sometimes, even when the shop staff already said there’s no discount or freebies, she will still ask. Very malu! Also, when ordering food outside, she will ask for less oil, less sweet, and less salt over and over again. I know she does this for our health though. – Daphnie, 25

4. She likes to ‘expose’ the un-demure side of me

My room is always super messy and it’ll leave you wondering if I’m a guy living in a girl’s body. My mom always complains to my friends about my messy room. She even teases me about how she’ll reveal my un-demure side to my future boyfriend. I don’t have the guts to show anybody how bad the state of my wardrobe is but whenever there are guests in our house, my mom will ‘expose’ me and show it to them. So embarrassing! But I guess that’s her way of caring, since my messy room worsens my bad sinus. – Shi Shyan, 26

5. Her pronunciation of words is really cute

My mom pronounces ‘GB’ (gigabytes) as ‘Gib’, which isn’t wrong, but it’s wrong! She also says things like “later I apps you where we are” in reference to texting on Whatsapp, which I find really cute. – Mel, 27

6. She will ‘chope’ MRT seats for me

My mom will rush into trains and head straight for the seats and if it so happens that there’s an empty seat beside hers, she will put her hand on that seat to ‘chope’ it. Then, she will pat the seat as she waves at me and calls me to sit down. In front of staring eyes in the cabin, it’s actually very malu but I know she just wants me to rest, because I get tired easily from standing. – Bling, 26

7. She always tries to matchmake me with my friends

She will always try to matchmake me with friends I bring over. For example, there was once when I invited some close friends over for my birthday. One of whom is this girl who is very fair - a trait I think my mom likes. She started helping my mom to clean up after we ate. Obviously, my mom took a liking to that and in front of both that girl and me, my mom said that she will make a good girlfriend. Facepalm! – Li Wen, 21

8. She yells for my attention when I’m on the line

Whenever I'm on a phone call with my boyfriend, my mom will keep yelling for my attention, complaining about the untidily placed shoes, unwashed clothes and how dishes were left for to her wash, etc. Very embarrassing! – Xiang Ying, 29

9. She will walk around with a half-eaten chicken thigh

Having grown up in a time where having meat to eat was a luxury, my mom doesn't like wasting food--especially meat. If she cannot finish her food, she will tabao it home. One time, she couldn't finish her nasi padang, so she asked to tabao the chicken drumstick. We went shopping after that, so she walked around with this clear plastic bag with a chicken drumstick inside the whole time. – Yi Yang, 26

10. She’ll think that my girlfriend and I often ‘do things’ behind closed doors

Whenever my girlfriend is around, my mom will always knock on my room door and wait for a long time before opening it, or she’ll wait till we open it for her even though we shout that it’s ‘safe’ to come in. She does this 'cause she wants to give us privacy and doesn’t want to walk in on us ‘doing anything’. Little does she know that her doing that kind of makes it even more awkward sometimes. – Jay, 26

11. She likes to forward photos of me to her friends on Whatsapp

She likes to show me off in front of her friends and on Facebook. She always asks me to send her pictures of myself. She will then forward these pictures to her multiple Whatsapp groups. And she always tells me that her friends want to matchmake me with their sons. I feel so paiseh sometimes! – Zaf, 27

12. She calls me ‘sweetie’ and ‘cutie pie’ on Facebook

She likes to call me pet names on Facebook, like 'princess', 'daddy's girl', 'sweetie', and 'cutie pie’. I don’t know if she knows people can see her comments but she never stops. Also, when I was younger, my mom would get jealous when I talked to my dad. Even now, she’s a bit sensitive but it's a lot better already. – Natasha, 26

Share Your Love!

What are some of the silly things your mom does that you find quite endearing? Share them with us in the comments! Also read, S’poreans Confess The Dumbest Things They Believed As Kids – Thank God We Know Better Now.

“What are you anxious about?” This is a question I’m asked all too often, and usually, this is how it goes: I try to explain why I’m feeling this way, other people try to convince me that it’s all in my head, telling me “just don’t think about it” like it’s as simple as that. And I simply… nod and pretend to agree. It’s come to a point where I’ve stopped telling people I’m feeling anxious altogether, and resorted to saying that I’m not feeling well—it’s just a lot easier that way.

What’s Wrong With Me?

I first found out about my anxiety 3 years ago. I was constantly on edge. There would be many times throughout the day when I’d feel like I couldn’t breathe. My own thoughts and worries would just keep coming and I just couldn’t shut off my brain. Beyond that, it felt like I was constantly waiting—always waiting for the anxiety to pass. What was wrong with me? Wanting to make sense of this, I went to see the doctor. What started as one visit turned into a lot more. The doctors visits grew more and more frequent, and being a student, this burned a hole in my pocket. The doctors would offer vague diagnoses, saying its stomach flu, or some virus and they would “fix” me symptomatically. That only worked till the course of the medication was completed. After that, I was back to square one. The 4th doctor I saw finally prescribed me anxiety meds. It was a gamble on his part because, at the time, he wasn’t sure if I had anxiety. I was just glad for another explanation for the way I was feeling. That night, I took the medicine and it felt like the blizzard in my belly had blown through, and it was clear skies again. No more unpredictable waves of nerves. No more sinking feeling in my stomach with no explanation. I went on feeling this way… until the anxiety returned. My body had gotten used to the drugs and the anxiety had found its way back to me. Feeling like a prisoner in my own mind, I constantly told myself it was going to be okay. I told myself I would get through this. There was a time when I too, thought it was as easy as chucking negative, worrying thoughts to the back of my mind. I’ve tried that, but it simply doesn’t work—it never has. Anxiety doesn't heed the advice of logic. No matter how much I tell myself to keep positive or calm, my anxiety overshadows it, and I hear nothing else.

Living With Anxiety

Living with anxiety is exhausting—both mentally and physically. I was going through the motions day in and day out. Even with all the concessions and exceptions my friends and family made for me, it felt like they all turned into crutches for me. While it helps at first, in the long run, it’s no remedy. Often, I’ve found myself wondering what it’s like to not feel this way. We’ve all felt free before; relaxed. That feeling of having no worries, no stress in the world. Clutching onto that memory, I always think back, trying to remember what that felt like, wishing I could go back to that. I look at the people around me, at the way they seem to be able to deal with life and its demands so much better, and it frustrates me that I can’t do the same. When others are stressed or nervous, they’re able to rein their feelings in. They can control how they feel and prevent it from getting in their way. That’s something I can’t seem to do no matter how hard I try. My emotions always get the better of me.

Slightly Broken And It’s Okay

These days, I cope better. I still have my bad days, but I also have plenty of good ones. I’ve come up with a couple of tricks to keep my anxiety under control. Guided meditations are my go-to and have now become a routine. I’m surrounded by people who care about me, and while they may not fully understand what I’m experiencing, I can see the many ways they try. Even though I’ve been cursed with this problem, many blessings have come forth from it. Despite feeling slightly broken, I think I’ll do okay.

A mostly unspoken ideal in the world we live in is unfettered stoicism - we all admire people who don't flinch in the face of adversity. People who don't whine or complain about their problems. People who work hard to achieve their dreams with nary a complaint. Even in relationships, people never seem to tell each other how they feel directly. We play these little word and mind games with each other, and then complain when we are misunderstood. Essentially, we have entire societies filled with people who aspire to live with no attachments or messy emotions. It's unsurprising, really. In a world where we can, for fun, literally put our lives on display for the world to see, how could we not try a little too hard to paint ourselves in a completely positive manner? But the truth is this: we can't avoid having negative feelings. No matter how hard we try, we can never get away from the chemical secretions our brains periodically use to colour our perceptions - even if, sometimes, the colours are kind of ugly. Our attempts at maintaining a constant, Zen-esque calm at anything and everything life throws at us by emotionally distancing ourselves from anything is... well... laughable. Consider this quote from Buddha himself, the one guy we all look up to when we want to stay cool and zen: "The root of all suffering is attachment." Most of us know this quote - you've probably seen it on the feed of some hipster's Facebook page, typed out in cursive font underneath a badly cropped pictured of the Buddha. What most people don't know is that, according to Zen Buddhism, this statement is generally considered a type of ko-an, which is basically a riddle of sorts designed to screw with your head. You see, if one were to follow through with this statement - get it tattooed on your left buttcheek, shave your head, sell off all of your possessions, and fly off to Nepal or something to live in the mountains with a bunch of goats, you would find yourself completely miserable still. Think about it. You'd be enjoying that awesome mountain view, but somewhere in the back of your head you'd still wish you had a phone to snap a picture of the moment with (#eatpraylove #wanderlust #findingmyself #positivity #nopainnogain). Three days later, while picking at the bowl of grass that is supposed to be your breakfast, you'd quickly get an insane craving for chicken nuggets. Give it another week or so, and you’d get on a plane back home, ashamed and frustrated with yourself at your failure to rid yourself of desire. Why? Because, as the Buddha discovered during his days of meditation under a tree, it isn't possible for one to live without emotion, or attachment. The desire to not desire is still…well, a desire. See? You can’t win! In fact, a huge source of anxiety comes from the frustration at having the desire to not desire, on top of all those other desires you can’t get rid of anyway. If we are to truly find happiness and satisfaction with our lives, we have to understand that we are only human, and that the negative feelings and attachments we form are perfectly normal, and nothing to be ashamed about. Let’s be open with our feelings, our wants, and our desires, all so we can better control what we do with them.

"I don't know how to act my age. I've never been this age before." People say you’re supposed to be an adult at age 18, 21, 24. People say a lot of things, but as you check each of those birthdays off the calendar, thinking the next one will be the one, you start to wonder: Am I ever going to feel like an adult? When you were a child or teenager, the “adult” was a concept of something that you were not. Like, “I don’t know what the hell it means to be an adult, but I sure as hell know I’m not one, so yeah! Take that, old people!” You didn’t know exactly what it meant to be an adult, but you knew you weren’t one for sure. I mean, how could you be, right? But as you got older, it became harder and harder to convince yourself that you weren’t an adult, and you started to wonder why you hadn’t hit that stride that would carry you into being a proper adult like your parents. I think the truth is that you never will. None of us actually ‘become’ adults, we just kind of… are. Growing up is a process of learning many different new things, and letting go of many of the things that defined our younger selves. For some of us, we might have let go of our crazy, impossible dreams, like the dream teenage me had of being a rock star. Or, we let go of the all-consuming desire to be liked and popular. Being an adult is not just about learning how to pay your taxes and make money at your job and gamble with stocks; it’s also about unlearning things from your younger days, for better or worse. For every bad habit we let go of as we mature, we often let go of good character traits as well, and learn terrible things from the people who call themselves adults. We learn to be judgemental, to discriminate. We learn the difficult truths that selfishness is the law of the land, and that there is no such thing as good or bad, right or wrong. Adulthood is about learning, first and foremost. But since we learn throughout our lives, the process of becoming an adult is really an ongoing one. In that sense, if we grow into adults, then the ‘adult’ is really just a perfect version of ourselves that we can never be, like a dog chasing its own tail. For what it’s worth, though, here are a few lessons I’ve learnt that have helped me in some little way in my clueless fumble through adulthood. Maybe they’ll help you too. Well, probably not, but who knows right?

To Be Happy Is to not give a f*ck

In ‘simpler’ times, all people had to care about was food, water, shelter, and sex. That was it. Get fed, get hydrated, find a cave, get laid. Now, we have a laundry list of stupid little things, including laundry, to attend to, and it’s frankly exhausting af. Is it better than living in the jungle and worrying about getting mauled by tigers? Probably. But it’s still exhausting af. People use the term ‘carefree’ as if it’s something they want, something they aspire to, but they do absolutely nothing to achieve it. Too many people care way too much about way too many things, and in doing so neglect the truly important things in life. Trim the fat. Pick your battles. Stop caring about things that are not important.

Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business

Speaking of not giving a f*ck, one of the stupidest things to give a f*ck about is the opinion someone else has of you. Especially stupid is when you care about the opinions of people you don’t even know. That is the kind of nonsense high schoolers worry themselves with. So, f*ck those people staring at you on the train. F*ck superficial acquaintances who think they know everything about you because they’re such great judges of character. F*ck the things people say about you but are too spineless to say to you. They don’t matter. And your opinions of others shouldn’t matter to them either.

Everyone thinks they’re the good guy

In the process of becoming an adult, you realize that the ‘good guys’ – sold to you by the media as kids – don’t actually exist. Right or wrong is all a matter of perception. There is no such thing as an objectively ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person, only a person who is good or bad for you. When you learn this, you stop chasing someone else’s ideals of what it means to be good, and start focusing on your own version of being a good person. You understand that the righteous hate you have for others is all bullshit, and you become more understanding of the differences between people. You learn that there is often no point in trying to convince someone to see things from your point of view, and to instead live in a state of mindful acceptance with the world around you.   Growing up sucks, let's be honest. But maybe next time you feel lost and confused about adulting, you can take some solace in the knowledge that everyone else is just as f*cking clueless as you are. Top Image Credit

“Be yourself”, they say. “Stay true to who you are.” Well, who is that, exactly? Who is this fabled ‘self’ that I’m supposed to be? How do I ‘be myself’? How do I know who I am? Well...

There Is No Self

I’m about as far from religious as one can be, but I think the teachings of Buddhism can help to grant us a fair bit of insight into this topic. In Buddhism, there is the belief that there is no such thing as the ‘self’; that change is the essence of being, and all living things are wholly impermanent with no such thing as a ‘self’ within them. Now, I’m not here to crap on your belief of an eternal soul and all that, but I think the Buddhists might be on to something here with respect to the nature of the self. As a person, you are a product of an innumerable number of factors. Your experiences, upbringing, genetics, everything about you comes together to create this version of you, and as you go through life interacting with the world around you, the things that make you you change as well. Your actions are not determined by who you are. Who you are is determined by your actions. Or, as everyone’s favourite sore-throat-voiced Batman says, “It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.”

The Illusion of Consciousness

Biologist and DNA co-discoverer Francis Crick famously said, “You’re nothing but a pack of neurons.” Crick may have helped to revolutionize our understanding of genetics, but his take on human life as being nothing more than a smattering of neural activity might be a little reductive. All of our emotions, memories, and thoughts, both conscious and subconscious, are the result of electrical signals coursing through the neurons of our brains. However, this interpretation of human consciousness fails to consider the external, experiential element of our interactions with the world around us. Our brains may be set to respond to things in certain ways, but our neurons cannot control what happens to us externally and how our experiences shape every aspect of our being. As living, thinking entities, we have the agency to influence our own minds and create our own identities, rather than be enslaved to them, through the decisions we make and the actions we perform. As a result of our myriad mental processes, we are fed with an illusion of self, a sort of meta-cognition. We think of ourselves as existing within our minds, passengers in our own bodies. We develop a notion of a certain inner self; a core at the centre of our very being. A version of ourselves that cannot be tarnished, shaped, corrupted, or otherwise changed by the ravages of external influence. That is all, of course, a bunch of bullshit.

On Creating that which does not exist

So if the self does not exist, and therefore cannot be ‘found’, how then do we create it? We create ourselves through the things we do and the decisions we make. We craft a constantly changing, amorphous identity that is never the same one day to the next, and is never more or less real for that change. The more relevant takeway from the whole “be yourself” narrative is not to stubbornly refuse change without exception, but to simply be honest with ourselves. To do what we truly believe we should, and make sure that the actions which define us are truly reflective of the thoughts that motivate them, not the whims and sensibilities of others.