Category: On Life

Dear Minister Ng, Thank you for your <a href=" letter to all working Singaporeans. I am glad to hear that you’ve been going around to visit Singaporeans at their workplaces. You are right to point out that we are living in a fast-changing world and we have to constantly learn on the job. I have a friend who kept encouraging us to second-skill in case robots take over our jobs one day. We laughed and didn’t think much of it but hey, in all seriousness, she actually made a good point. Technology is already replacing some mundane jobs today. Redmart for example, used to have quality assurance managers who would manually record temperature readings in the warehouse and input the data in an Excel spreadsheet. Today, that entire process has been cleverly automated by a forecasting tool. Unless the quality assurance managers had equipped themselves with other skills or found other ways to provide value to their company, they would have been made obsolete. I see many of our generation expecting ideal working conditions from employers. We value finding a job that we are passionate about and at the same time, pays well enough for us to enjoy the occasional luxuries of travel and have leftovers to give back to our parents and fund our savings. As a millennial myself, I admit that many of us need to understand that nobody owes us a living. We have to be versatile and adaptable in venturing into roles that aren’t our main strengths. We have to be more prepared to take on higher-value jobs to make ourselves indispensable. This is the future of work. But what if the pioneers of Singapore have no place in this future? It cannot be the future of a select few. It has to be a future for all Singaporeans. While our millennial generation embrace digital disruptions, we know that the middle-aged and seniors will be hit the hardest. Thank you for remembering our pioneers because in time to come, we will become pioneers ourselves and we definitely don’t want a precedence where seniors are forgotten.
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The middle-aged group will already be earning a comfortable sum every month, enough to support their growing children and aging parents. If they lose their jobs, they have more to lose than the people of our generation who adopt the “YOLO” mantra of living. Furthermore, they have to once again contend for a new job with the pool of younger generation workers. So you are right to point out the imperative need for everyone to never stop learning, upgrade our skills and train. If people are willing to second-skill, it will help them stay nimble in the face of disruptions. I’m glad that you are also emphasising the need for employers to play their part in embracing the “plug, train and play” mindset. If employers are only hiring workers who have the relevant skills of today, they are ignoring workers who have the potential and possibilities of tomorrow. Senior workers who want to work face a different kind of challenge. How do we nudge them along and not leave them behind as the society progresses? I mean, have you seen that 70-year-old granny who has been delivering food on foot? She is a great example of why we should rethink and redesign jobs for elderly. If they find learning a chore - how can we change the way they view learning? How can we help them take on less mundane jobs yet more value-adding jobs? It’s certainly not easy looking after all segments of working people – the young, the not so young, the middle-aged and seniors. As our labour workforce evolves and matures, the needs of each working group will differ as well. It is heartening to know that you are looking into all these concerns that Singaporeans have been lamenting for years. I commend your promise on being more progressive to improve our livelihoods, and I do hope that you continue to commit on making this real with us. We look forward to seeing you around! - From a hopeful millennial This article is contributed by a guest writer, Ling. (Header Image Credit: Minister Ng Chee Meng's Facebook page) Also read, A Letter To The Singapore Government, From A Young Singaporean.
For as long as I remember, we have always been called sheep. From being called sheep for travelling to ‘mainstream’ places to the many times we were called sheep for ‘blindly following our political leaders’. Singaporeans have been branded sheep on so many occasions that most of us are already numb to the name. And as much as we try to deny it, we really are all sheep. It isn’t because of our education system or the Chinese zodiac as much as it is human nature. The herd behavior is just our intrinsic need to feel harmonious with our fellow human species. It’s the same reason why animals form herds to protect themselves from danger or predators – strength in numbers. It happens in our everyday lives. When we see long queues at shops, we kay poh. When we see the latest trends, we follow. It’s so normal that we hardly think about it anymore. And herd instinct is somewhat beneficial as it acts as a guide to how we lead our lives. We compare, and we use the actions and behaviours of others as a reference. We adopt our favourite idols’ lifestyles. Likewise, we steer away from people we deem less than desirable and remind ourselves not to be like them. Also, there’s the mentality behind rating systems: if 90% voted a movie or restaurant to be 10 out of 10, it must be good. However, blindly following the herd is not always healthy. Sometimes, it can be the exact opposite.

Toxic Herd Behaviour Is All Around Us

All it takes is for a dominant alpha and a prey, and you’ll soon see it grow into a mob bullying situation. In fact, dig deeper behind the reasons for many bullying cases and you’ll see that herd behaviour is a big driving force. Take for example the $10 BMW driver, who was harassed by netizens after being wrongly accused of making an attendant pay for his petrol. And Cherry Tan, who was wrongly identified for bullying an elderly man at a hawker centre.
Image Credit: Willie Kok Heng Chua

The $10 BMW driver’s demise started because the original poster told only her side of the story and it tugged enough at our heartstrings for us to immediately hate on the driver. It didn’t matter that the story came from a third party. And all it took for Cherry Tan was one comment wrongly identifying her.

Hardly anyone bothered to do more research or wonder about what really happened, because it is just so much easier to join in the crowd, agree, and hate together. It was only after the whole world condemned them to the depths of hell that they were cleared of the allegations. So many people had already jumped on the hate-wagon by then, and the damages of name calling, harassment, and even calls to boycott their companies were already dealt. More recently, a video of a bus driver seemingly nodding off while driving has been circulating online. While there were people who were genuinely worried about the driver’s well-being, there were also many others who called him out for endangering the lives of people.
Image Credit: Darius Chan’s video
SBS Transit has since explained that the driver’s questionable driving was merely because of a neck condition. Even then, I was still seeing people sharing the video and commenting about how reckless or terrible it is for the driver to be sleeping on the job. Even if the driver was really falling asleep, wouldn’t it be wiser to talk to him, keep him awake, and ask if he was facing any problems? I question the poster’s intention of filming the driver and exposing it online instead. Also, if the intention was to call for a more stringent selection of safer bus drivers, is it not more productive to talk to SBS Transit and find out the problem? By posting the video online and insinuating that the driver is falling asleep on the job, one is merely creating opportunities to sow hate. These are all unfortunate cases of internet CSI or internet policing gone wrong, but the underlying issue is an entire toxic, mob bullying culture that’s rampant not just online, but in our everyday lives.

Mob Bullying

It happens in school. The shunning of the ‘fatty bom bom’ when forming teams in PE lessons. The name calling. The spreading of rumours of that ah lian having slept with countless boys. These are things we have all heard or experienced growing up. It happens in the working world. The abusive boss or politics-mongering colleague are perfect examples of bullying. It could even be as simple as gossiping or ostacising. In case it sounds like I am some self-righteous person trying to preach a politically correct stance towards a perfect, everyone loves everyone world, let me declare that I don’t believe in that. Especially when gossiping (or ranting) is one of the ways I destress from a crazy work day. What I find extremely repulsive and disheartening is when idle gossip turns into mob bullying because of the herd mentality. Like the cases online, all it takes is one bully to rally a group of bullies. And such cases are often overlooked because of how common it is. Singapore has even won the title of the third highest rate of bullying globally.
Image Credit: CareerBuilder
  In my line of work, I have met so many millennials who have experienced a form of bullying growing up. The mocking, the being made fun of, the name calling, and the ostracising may sound trivial, but the impact is significant for the victims and is often the fuel for depression. I’ve also witnessed situations of mob bullying having unfair, negative impact on the victim: where the victim was baited to saying things that would be used for ridicule and where the rallying of hate within the group of bullies eventually contributed to the victim’s departure. And all those because the victim is just a little different from the rest. It didn’t matter that the victim hasn’t done anything to insult of harm anyone or on purpose. It is one thing to idle gossip and another to treat someone like they are not worthy of a presence, even turning it into spiteful curses. While this are just my observations, I am pretty sure that similar cases have been happening in work places or social circles everywhere. After all, nothing like bonding over mutual hate, and herd behaviour to propagate the hate.

Stop Being A Mean Sheep

As someone who is guilty of having been part of a mob bullying before, I know how easy it is to be part of the herd and I know how hard it is not to join in on the laughing. However, such damaging herd behaviour has got to stop. Unless we stop being sheeps, do our research, and form our independent opinions, the mob bullying will continue. Also, my dance teacher once taught me: to tell the quality of a dance troupe, look at the dancer at the last row of the performance. Similarly, I see the way someone treats the ‘most insignificant person to them’ as a reflection of who they really are. So, before you join in on the teasing next time, think about why you are doing it and what it reflects of you. What do you want to be a reflection of? (Header Image Credit: Medium) Also read, Sexual Harassment Not That Unusual - S'porean Girls Reveal Their Nasty Encounters With Perverts.
There was a time where I used to lament how I can never seem to gain weight, much to the envy (and annoyance) of my older friends and colleagues. 10 years later and the roles are reversed. At 27, I am now the one sighing at my 20-year-old friends or interns when they complain about feeling fat. Hello. Wait till you reach my age then you know. It’s funny how PE lessons were once something we look forward to as an enjoyable ‘break’ from classes back in school. Once you start working, the only physical activity you will willingly engage in is running to catch the bus. Once adulting gets real and work becomes life, it becomes harder and harder to stay in shape. Especially when you spend the 8 hours at work glued to a chair. The hustling will leave you so mentally drained that all you want to do after 6pm is laze at home and do nothing. There are so many other distractions more exciting than working out and finding the motivation to even hit the 10,000 steps a day challenge is a challenge as itself. As we grow older, it is only natural that our age and environment change us, be it for better or worse, through our shirt sizes or our mindsets. Curious to see what age, time, and work have done to other millennials, I reached out to 8 millennials. These is what 10 years have done to them and the wisdom they’ve gained in the decade.

1. Being Less Emotional And Laughing More

I grew up fat and got a lot of nicknames. It started with “Eugene Sohfat” in primary school, then “Hugene” in secondary school and “Tub of Lard” in polytechnic, and I used to feel insecure when I go to the beach cause my white tummy felt like a pile of forgotten yoghurt. Now I just laugh at it. I’m a lot more confident and generally less emotional about things now. I think the older you get the more well-shaped your perceptions and opinions are. I find myself being more truthful to strangers and people in general, and not having to worry so much about judgement too.  – Eugene, 27

2. Finding A Purpose In Life

I’m 30kg heavier with stretch marks as far as Jurong to Pasir Ris but instead of running away from it, I choose to embrace it. After I graduated, I starting to find things I could do. I switched many jobs and went from DJing to emceeing to influencer marketing and now, media and advertising. Besides my weight, I’d say the main difference is having found a purpose in life, and that’s more than enough.  – Dew, 26

3. Confidence Opened Many Doors

I used to avoid a lot of physical activities because I felt like everyone was scrutinising my thighs and arms if I wear sportswear or swimwear. I don't think anyone really notices about these things but I can’t help thinking that they're judging me for being fat. When I was around 18, I would work out almost every day and eventually lost 10kg. It was a painful process, but I'm glad that it happened. Although I’m not as fat as I was previously, I still feel it (body insecurity) and am very afraid of putting on any weight, but I am definitely more confident than before. I can definitely see myself ageing (skin not as bright or taut and crown of hair not as thick) at my current age too. But that's just part of life. More importantly, I found ways to deal with my skin problems and became bolder in experimenting with style, eventually finding the type of 'look' that suit me best. All these adds up and really changed the way I carried myself. People always say that it's the inside that should count but you can't deny that a good hair day or a nice outfit makes you feel better about yourself. And when you do, you're braver to try new stuff or engage yourself with people you've always felt intimidated by. And this has opened doors for me in many ways.  – Mel, 28

4. Denying Insecurity From Power

I was teased in secondary school for having a ‘baby moustache’ and was very concerned about my physical appearance. My forehead acne and blackheads bothered me too and it made me feel very insecure about my own body. I didn't really know how to deal with all that back then it got worse when puberty started and hair started growing at my arm pits. I even cried every other day. To make myself feel better, I did things that would make myself look more womanly, like drawing my brows or wearing heels. Even though I am still not completely satisfied with my looks despite knowing how to manage my skin, I've learnt to be contented with what I have. My confidence could be a mash up of maturity and laziness, or it could also be that I simply care more about what I think about myself than what other people think about me. I do worry and do try to prove myself to people still but I don't give these insecurities as much attention or as much power over me as it used to. When I was younger, everything felt like the end of the world because of how unexposed I was. In hindsight, a lot of my worries weren't that big of a deal. That's how I take life nowadays: I try my best but if I suck or if I fail, it isn't that big of a deal.  – Isabel, 21

5. Handling Situations With More Maturity

I was picked on by seniors in secondary school because of my small frame. They would cut my queue during recess or do other mean things. Besides that, being physically unfit meant passing NAFA was a chore. I started bulking up. And I started keeping facial hair as it makes me look fierce. It’s a good deterrence when I want to do my own things without people disturbing me, like when I'm trying to avoid an insurance agent waiting at the foot of an escalator. But partially also because I got too busy and lazy to shave during submission period in university. If I can go back in time, I’d punch the younger me for being a little wuss. I’ve learnt to be tougher, more disciplined, and more focused on what I want to achieve in life. Religion and supportive friends helped, but it was all the experiences I’ve gone through that made me more able to handle situations more maturely now.  – Janielson, 26

6. Your Thoughts Are Your Choice

My high metabolism makes it really hard for me to gain weight since young and I’d always look skinny and fragile. People would point out how skinny I am whenever I wore shorts and that made me feel even more self-conscious, which affected the way I behaved. I was very shy and would hide my true self in social situations because I didn’t want people to think bad about me. I eventually met people whom made me feel comfortable being my authentic, quirky and playful self. It’s your choice whether you want to accept people’s comments and learn from them or carry those negative thoughts with you. I choose to look at the positive side of things.  – Raymond, 21

7. No Need For Constant Affirmation

People often teased me and called me “blackie” because I played hockey a lot and got really tanned. It didn’t help that my fair-skinned cousins made me feel like I'm the odd one out. I never liked to smile with my teeth because I didn’t have very straight teeth. My eyebags were a problem too because people often asked me why I haven't been sleeping when I've had more than enough sleep. And in a time when a lot of us were going through puberty, trying to accept ourselves, and where it was all about fitting in with friends, I felt the constant need to change myself to please others. I was affected by the things people say about me because I didn't want to be an outcast. I’m a lot less tanned now, thankfully, and I grew taller, but I grew bigger sideways too. But now, I have other priorities and don't see the constant need to please others. The insecurities will probably always be there but I’ve learnt to accept and deal with it and not let it affect me as much. Instead of criticising myself and changing myself just so I could fit in to the norms of this materialistic world, I realised that true friends will stay and accept me for who I am and that eventually taught me to love and value myself more.  – Candice, 23

8. Turning Weaknesses Into Opportunities

I had the whole inferiority complex where every little bit of me didn't seem good enough in my own eyes and I didn’t know how to navigate that. For example, I would feel inferior wearing glasses and felt the need to wear contacts so that I look better. And because I was always afraid of wearing contacts, I just didn't bother turning up for social gatherings at all. I am definitely more confident now and care less about what others think of me. It's a much easier life to live. I'd still wear contacts when I want to impress girls or on dates but it's more about boosting my self-confidence than finding a way to feel 'sufficient'. I have other insecurities like having white hair, but I see it as an opportunity to just play with my hair: toss in different colours to make the most out of a perceived weakness. So, it’s a matter of loving yourself and embracing every little bit of your ‘flaws’.  – Andrew, 26

Make The Best Of Change

Growing old is inevitable and the stresses of a job and age will catch up on you but what matters is what you make of it. Today, I avoid body-fitting clothes altogether for fear of looking like Michelin Man. Those clothes are packed into an obscure corner of my wardrobe – testament of the 15KG I’ve gained and the denial in which I will never fit into those tiny pieces of cloth anymore. But like most millennials I spoke to, my personal and emotional growth outweighs the 15KG I’ve gained and are changes I’m proud of. The collective lessons from the experiences through the years gave me invaluable takeaways and formed the mature, confident, and happy-go-lucky personality that is me today. Do you have insecurities growing up? Don’t be being bogged down by them. Embrace them and find your confidence instead! Also read, Then & Now: Photos Of 9 Longtime Singapore Couples That Prove True Love Still Exists.
Back in November 2017, Singapore hosted her first international plus size pageant, Miss Top of the World (TOTW) Plus Size. While it was glorified as a great way to challenge the Asian beauty ideal, it didn't sit quite right with me. Perhaps it was ironic that a contest so discriminatory and shallow could bring about an impact for body positivity. In Miss Universe, contestants catwalk down the stage to the beat of a looped fanfare jingle and a 2-line introduction of themselves. From boring resume credentials to having performed CPR on a choking puppy, does anyone actually remember what was said about these girls? I know I am not the only one too mesmerised by long legs, charismatic smiles, and their magical ability to twirl in killer heels – the real reason we watch Miss Universe. The introductions could have been replaced with better music and it wouldn’t have made much of an impact, pageants will still be a superficial competition. Replacing the mass of long-legged beauties with chubbier ladies doesn't make a difference either. Pageants are still an exclusive competition with no diversity – it's strictly no chub rubs in Miss Universe and no visible hip bones in Miss TOTW Plus Size. Besides, young girls who value being skinny won't know how to appreciate a beauty pageant that celebrates a body type that's different from their ideal and people who fat shame won’t voluntarily watch plus size women catwalk. TOTW Plus Size celebrates the bigger women who have been discriminated all their lives and it enables them to envision a future that is both heavy and happy. However, portraying only a specific type of women is the fundamental flaw of pageantry. If pageants are meant to prove that girls who don't fit the cookie-cutter mould are beautiful, we should have one for the short girls, one for the handicapped girls, one for the acne-scarred girls, one for the hairy girls, one for the flat-chested girls, and so on. Ultimately, plus size pageants prove that we have lost our way in the body positivity movement. An exclusive representation does not equate to an inclusive culture. Our perception of beauty is nature and nurture. While we are attracted to a few common features that our brain registers as genetically sound, our preferences for looks are still uniquely shaped by our culture and upbringing. Even my close girlfriends and I have differing tastes in men – according to them, none of the guys I’ve dated were handsome. No matter how tight we are, the four of us have always had a different idea on who we found visually appealing. Trying to convince each other otherwise would merely be trying to impose one's opinion of beauty on everyone else. Despite our varying beauty standards, my clique and our plus ones get along because what matters more is how kindly these boys treat my breasties and vice versa. This should be the standard we hold everyone accountable to: how well we treat each other and not just how good we look. Short or tall, fat or skinny, these are polarising traits that one will always find more aesthetically pleasing than the other. What matters is that we give everyone a chance to show their personality and we treat them with the same respect, regardless of how they look. Hopefully, we can create a world that is fun even for the ugly people. Yeah, I said ugly. We say that “everyone is beautiful” in an attempt to comfort those with low self-esteem or those who feel ugly because society expects it of us. While we go around babbling those words, I can't help but feel like we’ve butchered the original meaning by leaving out the other half of the quote. The saying, “everyone is beautiful in their own way,” evolved from, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” Everyone has a different opinion on beauty. Essentially, that comforting line means that everyone perceives beauty differently. There is someone out there who will think you are beautiful. It may not be the person you like or the people around you but it could be someone else. It could even be you. You are the ultimate beholder of what you see in the mirror, what you perceive yourself to be. Telling every girl that they're beautiful, like pageants do, breeds confidence that is rooted in exterior beauty. The truth is, not every girl will be valued for the way she looks. Some will be adored for their personality, wit, creativity, or smarts. Convincing everyone that they look beautiful is idealistic but if we’re aiming for the moon, we might as well try to create a kind world instead of a ‘beautiful’ one – a kind world that values what lies beyond fleeting beauty. Also read, “I Kept Hearing Voices Of People Criticising Me, And I Could No Longer Tell What Was Real”.
I’m a lot closer to my friends than my family. There’s so much more that my friends see and know about me. It isn’t because I grew up being looked after by my grandparents, relatives, or helper. I was never sent to child care centres either. My parents brought my brother and me up all by themselves. It wasn’t that I grew up in a broken family either. My parents were always loving to each other and to us. Our middle-income family lifestyle also meant a high regard for simplicity, humility, and maintaining family ties. We appreciate what we have and we appreciate each other, yet I feel a disconnect with the very people I’m supposed to be closest to – and it’s not because we don’t spend time together. Occasionally, my father will drive us across the causeway for cheap eats, shopping, or a massage. My mother’s regular home cooking is also a reason for us to huddle together for dinner every day after work. We spend a lot of time together but there’s hardly any conversation aside from my mum’s gripe about the market prices of meat and vegetables. I don't share about my day and I don't ask them about theirs. It just feels weird, unnatural. When I see social media posts of my friends enjoying movie nights, ice skating, or trips to USS together with their family, I wished my family was like that too. It isn’t where they went that I am envious of, it is the laughter and light banter in the background. It is the quality time together that I long for. Was there something we could have done in the past that would have made us closer now? Why don’t we do fun family activities together? Is it because all of us grew up too quickly? I know, it’s already a privilege to have a family. An unexciting family of four, stable and boring, but safe. Some people don’t even have anyone to call ‘family’. I appreciate what I have but if only I could draw close to my supposed nearest and dearest without feeling so awkward.

My parents’ love for my sibling and I is undeniable, but so is the ever-growing gap between us.

When I had trouble catching up on my studies, I hid it from my parents. When it came to matters of the heart and having my heart broken by the guys I dated, I turned to friends instead. When I was lost and confused about life after graduation, I turned to Google for advice. My parents didn’t deserve to be disappointed, and I never felt comfortable to share. Call it pride, call it fear but it was never a natural way of my life to talk about my feelings and emotions with my parents so openly. And now that I’m a working adult with my own social circles and partner, there are more distractions and lesser reasons for me to talk with my parents. Perhaps we were just that stereotypical Asian family who avoided complicated topics and shunned from anything related to sex. When I asked why I was growing hair at my nether regions, my mother would tell me that it is because I didn’t wash my vagina clean enough. When I had my first period and asked why we (girls) had periods, my dad said it’s just something that makes you an ‘official woman’. They never elaborated more than that and I never probed. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I’m so gullible today. However, the ‘Asian culture’ was stronger during my parents’ days and yet they still remain close to their siblings. Even though we all live separate lives, every family gathering filled our home with warmth and energy, there was always laughter and chatter. Perhaps this is the legendary kampong spirit that everyone talks about. What happened with my generation then? Perhaps it’s because life was much simpler then. In place of movies or video games, entertainment was playing marbles or fives stones with siblings or the neighbours’ kids. Social gatherings meant you had to interact with people instead of being on your phone.

Stevecutts GIF by Moby

As much as it feels distant, the thought of losing my parents still scares me. Besides the pain of never seeing them again, I worry that losing them would also mean losing the only thing that holds my brother and I together. We were raised by the same parents and only two years apart, but we couldn’t be more different. We have led two very separate lives and we barely look alike – we were never close, not when we were young and not now. I knew a girl in my secondary school who had a brother I wished I had. He was a senior in our school and he’d always walk her home. Even when my friend stayed back for CCAs or simply to hang out with her friends, her brother would wait in school until she was done. I wanted that protective and cool brother who would not only be my guardian angel if someone shoots rubber bands at me but would also teach me how to fire these rubber bands back with twice the power. Instead, most of the interactions I had with my brother involved us fighting between ourselves. Now that we’re older, my brother makes an effort to communicate and connect with me despite working and living in another country most of the year, but it never feels right. We speak in different languages and our conversations lack depth but I still hope that eventually my brother and I will find a connection we never had. I just hope my brother believes it, too. After all, blood is always thicker than water. Also read, 12 S’poreans Reveal The Most Endearingly Embarrassing Habits Of Their Mums.
There were always thoughts of changing my face, my identity, and becoming somebody else entirely. I thought of myself as a female a lot and all through my teenage years, I wished that I would wake up in the right body one day. It took me a long time before I realised that I may be transgender.

Battling My Inner Conflicts

Looking back, I’ve always known. I just couldn’t put the words to the undercurrent of discomfort, couldn’t make sense of the thoughts and feelings I had. There were so many previous beliefs and assumptions that I had to discard before I could understand what it all meant. For one, a highly heteronormative view we all have is that your gender must be concretely tied to your sexual orientation, that a man must be sexually attracted to a woman and vice versa. However, I’ve learnt that your gender (male or female) does not have any bearing on your sexual attraction. I may be biologically a male who identifies as a female, yet still primarily attracted to women. For me, it doesn’t exclude an attraction to men as well.
“I would spend my entire life trying to suppress these feelings of being in the wrong body.”
Then, there’s religion. If I had accepted the religion I was brought up with, I would spend my entire life trying to suppress these feelings of being in the wrong body. As the Good Book says in Deuteronomy 22:5, "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God." Having brought up to internalise these beliefs as the norm, it was that much harder to accept myself and my thoughts.

Coming Out

“I confessed... to my fiancee.”

Coming out was a long and hard process. I spent a year thinking about how much harder life would be, about getting accepted by society, presenting as female, and what all of that would entail. In the end, I knew that I had to at least try to become the person I wanted to be, even if it’s an uphill struggle. I finally came out as a transgender woman four years ago, at 21. While I have been fortunate to not face much discrimination from the public, it wasn’t that easy back at home. Firstly, I was engaged to my girlfriend. She was the first person I came out to as transgender. And as difficult as it was for me to come to terms with myself, it was equally hard for her to acknowledge that her long-time boyfriend is coming out as a female. The only thing she said back then was something like, "I'll... do my best to understand." After a challenging 6 months, she accepted me as transgender. We eventually made a commitment to support each other, be it emotionally, financially, or physically – even if it meant scrutiny from others. We are now adjusting to this ‘new reality’ and also continuing with our plans to get married. For all of that, I am grateful. With her support, I came out to some of my closer friends as well.

The Hardest Hit

However, I never intended to come out to my parents, unless I had absolutely no choice. I had already been treated with scorn when I told my highly religious parents that I am an Atheist, and sat through three hours of a pastor (a friend of my mother’s) explaining to me why I ought to give God a chance. I had already been called a disgrace and the family disappointment when I left junior college to study theatre arts at LASELLE. I had already been called ‘disgusting’ when I confessed to them about being bisexual. What other painful remarks would they make if I told them I am transgender? I didn’t want to know.
"In my mother’s eyes, I was a rebellion against God. In my father’s eyes, I was a rebellion against him."
The truth came out when my mum discovered that I was taking estrogen pills. Needless to say, they didn’t take it well at all. My father constantly reminds me that my "life choices" will eventually ruin me and almost daily, my parents will remind me that because I am born a male, I will always be a male. My father also loves to say that I'd end up, in his own words, "不像人,不像鬼", which loosely translates to mean that I’d end up neither a human nor a ghost – implying that I’d never truly be female and never fully a male. They don't seem to understand that all those words are extremely hurtful, furthermore so as they come from family. And (I think) they sincerely believe that they are leading me back to the path of righteousness.

Living An Authentic Life

It was a long time and many nights of crying alone before I finally accepted the fact that my family would never be able to accept me wholeheartedly. Eventually, I stopped bothering.
“I’d just smile and agree with them instead of arguing because it’s so much easier than fighting, and far less painful.”
Today, I’m not living as female as yet because I'm not fully comfortable with the way people may respond. To strangers, I'm still entirely male. However, being transgender for me has mainly been about living the most authentic life I can under the circumstances of Singapore’s extremely anti-LGBT laws. Learning to accept my own body, and coming to terms with the fact that it will never be an idealised female form was the most difficult, but I am so much better as a person now. I am calmer and have a clearer sense of who I am. Most importantly, I feel so much more comfortable with being my true and authentic self in front of my loved ones. Life is not about pain, suffering, and renunciation, and it should never have to be seen as such. Despite all the obstacles I’ve faced and am still facing, these words from my favourite author, Ayn Rand, pushes me to live a fuller life every day: “Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.” – Clara, 24 Also read, “I Kept Hearing Voices Of People Criticising Me, And I Could No Longer Tell What Was Real”.
Caution: This article contains potentially triggering content. “Hey, do you remember Anthony*?” “Yeah, why?” “He’s gone…” I was in my early twenties then, still finding myself in the corporate world, and my poly classmate had just taken his life. I remember how confused I was when I saw that text message, and the shock that followed when my friend confirmed that Anthony is really gone. I wasn't particularly close to Anthony, but I knew him nonetheless, and I teared when his loved ones delivered their eulogies during the funeral service: “He was always so jovial and giving.” It was this sentence that hit me hard, because he was exactly that kind of person in poly—happy and jovial—yet, depression took him. Similarly, I can only imagine how painful it must be for the family, friends, and fans worldwide when Linkin Park’s lead singer, <a href=" Bennington took his own life. People were shocked at the severity of his depression. Depression has no face. There are no red flags, no clues, and no measurements to identify someone with depression because each person suffers from and deals with depression differently as well. To understand more about what people with depression actually go through, we reached out to 8 Singaporeans who have fought (or are still fighting) the illness. Here are photos that will give you insights into their lives when they had depression. *Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

1. Jar Of Goodness

Image Credit: Nawira
“When we're depressed, we often forget the good things about ourselves. We think we're useless, weak, hopeless, and ugly. That's Depression speaking. And Depression lies. I keep this 'Jar of Goodness', which is filled with positive quotes to remind myself that Depression is wrong. I keep it to remind myself of the truth, the good people see in me, and the good I see in myself." – Nawira

2. Tattoos

Image Credit: Weiling Rai

“Depression has gotten the better of me more often than not. It comes gradually but also suddenly. I got these tattoos as they are of the dreams I have and the things I love. It's also a reminder that all things, good or bad, are temporary.”

– Marc

3. Lotus Flowers 

Image Credit: A
“I shut everyone out when I’m depressed and I become irrationally terrified of speaking to anyone. I also have suicidal thoughts pretty much every day. The only thing stopping me from doing anything stupid is the thought of how it’ll affect my mother. I’m still finding ways to cope with depression right now. One of the ways is finding my way back to religion. I’ve started wearing prayer beads and got myself this lotus bell jar. The lotus is an amazing flower. It is so pure despite its muddy beginnings and that’s where I hope to be one day. Since it features so strongly in Buddhism, it’s also extra significant for me.” – A

4. Pain

Image Credit: V
“My belief was 'only pain can overcome pain'. During periods where I couldn't evoke feelings like happiness, sadness, or even anger, the pain was the only way for me to feel less empty. The sight of blood was somewhat satisfying to me too as it was the equivalence of a release, as opposed to suppressing the fear of being a liability to people around me. The scars above the cut have been there since I started physically harming myself in secondary school, but I didn't realise what I was going through exactly, until I got diagnosed last year.” – V

5. Alcohol

Image Credit: S
“Antidepressants aren't a panacea. They just prevented me from getting worse, or so I thought. Trying weed and other drugs only made me more depressed especially after the 'high' wore off. So I turned to alcohol. It was the only legal substance that made me feel better. I battle with depression every single day and on certain days, I'd turn to alcohol. I know it's not the cure, but it has helped me deal with my thoughts.” – S

6. Constant Self-Reminders

Image Credit: E
“I would create my own wallpapers with different motivational sentences every 2 weeks. It was to remind myself of the kind of thoughts I should have. It helped me through all my bad days and has saved me from full-blown panic attacks. On good days, reminding myself what to think of before bad days come, helps a lot.” – E

7. Counseling

Image Credit: Allan Lee
“These receipts of my counselling sessions were a significant part of me for awhile. The many sessions of counselling helped me get a hold of myself. It introduced new perspectives to me and changed my mindset. Coupled with medication, the many consultations with my psychiatrist helped me recover when the depressive part of bipolar disorder kicked in. Importantly, the moral support from friends and family made my recovery a much smoother one.” – Allan

8. Trapped 

Image Credit: F
“I tried to kill myself and was stopped. I was on the ledge on of an unoccupied block of flats when Hafiz, my boyfriend, found me. When I saw the desperation in his eyes, I just couldn’t do it. I was then admitted to the psych ward for treatment. If only people knew the horrors of the psych ward: the 5-point restraint, the thought of being in a mental institute, the many guards to your ward, and the injections just to calm you down. Seeing other patients go through that made me angry despite recoiling in horror, and there was nothing I could do. Because who would believe mental patients like us when we're seen as crazy? Who would listen?" – F

Don’t Undermine The Seriousness Of Depression

From a friend who had depression, “depressed people almost never look depressed, they may even look the happiest to cover it up.” Sufferers often keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves because they don’t want to be a liability. And with everything bottled up, it’s easy to slide into darkness. Let us pay a little more attention to our loved ones. Be aware and listen more. Don’t let the impalpable and unnoticeable beast, Depression, win. Also read, “I Kept Hearing Voices Of People Criticising Me, And I Could No Longer Tell What Was Real”.
Most of us spent our teenage years wishing for adult life. We grew up wanting the freedom, the monthly kaching, and to not have to cram for exams. But when adult life finally hits us in our faces along with the many adult responsibilities, we wonder why we were so stupid to wish for time to have passed faster. Of the many responsibilities, one of the biggest headaches is insurance. Let’s face it, most of us hate dealing with insurance even though it’s supposed to be good for us. I’m not sure about you, but when it was finally (or dreadfully) time to buy a policy to insure myself, I wondered how other people did it. I had no idea what I needed, what was good for me, and whether I’d be ripped off with a crappy plan. I’m pretty sure many other millennials feel the same way about insurance. And who has the time to read through the entire policy and T&Cs anyway? How much do you really know about your policies then? I spoke to four millennials to see how much they know about their own insurance.

Shaan, 20

“I’ve never bought insurance for myself before but I know I’m still under a plan that my parents bought for me. I intend to get one myself once I start working. I get the general idea that it’s to protect my life but I don’t really know what kinds of insurance are there and what I need.”

Pro-tip on what to look out for as beginners:

There are several things to know before buying a plan: the policy term, sum assured, and hospital preferences. You can also ‘customise’ your policy by adding riders – which are additional options to cover you in more areas on top of the ‘default’ plans offered. If you’re concerned about your finances, there are also different ways you can pay your policy premiums. Opt to pay your premiums at one go (lump sum payment), or break them up into annual or monthly instalments if you need to ‘spread out the damage’. Above all, don’t be afraid to ask insurance agents questions. It’s more important for you to know what you’re buying than be worried about them getting annoyed. Still not sure what you need exactly? Set up an appointment with FRANK by OCBC here!

Marc, 25

“My parents bought some sort of family package for us so I believe I’m covered under that package in terms of life insurance or any accidents. So instead of buying any other insurance for myself, I spend that amount investing instead.”

Pro-tip on knowing the different types of insurance coverage:

In case anything happens to you, you’d want to find out how much you are covered for under policies your parents bought, and to review the sum based on life stages. Also, did you know that it takes more than one layer of insurance for you to be fully protected? The four main layers of protection are Hospital, Life Insurance, Critical Illness, and Endowment.
Image Credit: FRANK by OCBC
The closer the layer is to you, the more important it is. It doesn’t mean that you have to buy every type of insurance either. You just need to know what each type of insurance does for you, and get what you need. In Marc’s case, he should check on how much hospitalisation coverage he has in his existing policy for a start, as it’s the most important layer of protection. The other basic coverage to look out for is Personal Accident, which will cover Marc’s hospital bills if he happens to meet with an accident. For more details on each layer, head over to FRANK by OCBC’s website here. They’ve broken it down to very simple terms for the beginners!

Brenda, 26

“I’m not very sure what I got. I just know that I’m covered for certain terminal or critical illnesses and death. Also, I’ll get a lump sum when my policy matures at 55 years old. This is the only plan I bought as I think it’s good enough – it covers my health and also gives me some money back when I’m old.”

Pro-tip on Endowment VS Savings VS Life Insurance Plans:

What Brenda described is an Endowment Insurance Plan, which helps to grow your wealth while providing you basic insurance coverage. The returns you get may not be as high as stocks and shares, but Endowment Insurance Plans are less risky and give you better returns than a deposit account with a bank. There’s a difference between a Savings Plan and an Endowment Insurance Plan too. Where Endowment Plans give you coverage on certain things like critical illnesses or death, Savings Plan don’t. Then there are Life Insurance plans, which are designed to not just help you, but also your family. Should you happen to pass away, get diagnosed with a terminal illness, or have a total permanent disability, a Life Insurance Plan will grant you (or your beneficiary) a sum of money that will help greatly in that time of need. You can find more information here.

Esther, 25

“I have three insurance plans: Life Insurance, Hospitalisation, and Endowment. The Life Insurance Plan is to help "protect" my loved ones (children, spouse) financially should anything happen to me. Like if I die, they get a sum of money.  I got the Hospitalisation Plan to cover me up to A Class government hospital. And for Endowment, it's more of a savings plan that my husband and I bought so that we can get a certain percentage of return after 18 years.”

Pro-tip on Life Insurance VS Hospitalisation VS Endowment Plans:

You can never be too sure when it comes to health, so it’s important to be fully aware of what kind of coverage you get under different insurance plans. Hospital bills can add up to a hefty amount and a Hospitalisation Plan helps cover the expenses for treatments and staying in hospital wards. Note that there are limitations though. Treatments for certain critical illnesses may not be covered under the Hospitalisation Plans, which is where Critical Illness Plans come in. A Critical Illness Plan will cover the expensive treatments for illnesses like stroke and cancer. Learn more about the differences in Hospitalisation, Life Insurance, and Critical Illness plans here.

Plan Your Future Wisely

As a millennial, I fully understand the pain of paying a few hundred dollars a month on something that doesn’t give you immediate gratification. But from another perspective, you’re actually diligently saving this amount in a bank every month – a bank that will actually help you in times of need in the future. Learn more about the different types of insurance and how it covers you differently at FRANK by OCBC.

Enjoy Special Promotions (Till 31 Dec)

Whether you’re a first time insurance buyer, or looking to get another layer of protection for your life, here are three promotions FRANK by OCBC is running till 31 December 2017:
  1. Enjoy S$60 Cash Rebate when you purchase the Regular Premium Endowment Insurance –Annual Premium <S$4,999
  2. Enjoy S$30 Cash Rebate when you purchase the Regular Premium Endowment Insurance –Annual Premium, S$300 – S$799,
  3. Get S$100 cash credit when you buy 2 out of the 3 insurance below
    • Hospital: Supreme Health
    • Term Insurance: MaxTermValue CI
    • Personal Accident: PA plan (PA Protect, PA Supreme, PA Cashback Plus, Great Protector)
For more details, head over to FRANK by OCBC here. Or set up an appointment with OCBC here. This post is written in partnership with FRANK by OCBC. Also read, Don’t Know What The Heck To Do After You Graduate? That’s Okay, We Didn’t Either.
When we were kids, we were like a sponge soaking up everything we hear and see. We copied what our parents said and pretended to be our favourite cartoon characters. Above all, we were cheeky little buggers who’d get ourselves into facepalm-worthy incidents. We asked Singapore millennials about the ‘stupid’ things they had done when they were primary school kids or younger. Here are 10 of the funniest incidents.

Shaver As Comb

I remember playing Pretend with my cousins and we were using a real shaver as a comb. I used the shaver to comb my hair then freaked out when I saw my hair falling off. – Anmol, 24

Playing With Fire

I was playing with fire and candles with some friends during mid-autumn festival. One of them started swiping their finger across the candle flame and before you know it, all of us were doing it because it was cool to us, kids. I wanted to be cooler, so after doing the same a few times, I tried to hold my finger in the flame longer. I got burnt. – Betty, 26

A Sticky Situation

I got bubble gum stuck in my hair because I wanted to see if I could ‘balance’ the gum on my head. It got stuck so badly and became a badly tangled lump of hair. My mum had to rub it off bit by bit with olive oil. – Bling, 26

A Tic Tac Addiction

I was so addicted to Tic Tacs and the sound from shaking it that when I finished the candy, I put in a five cent coin so I could continue shaking the box. When I shook it, I tilted the box above my head and ended up swallowing the five cent coin and had to go to the hospital. – Sammie, 25

Brow Game

My primary five classmate shaved his eyebrows off to prove that eyebrows served no purpose. He looked ridiculous after that. He kept quiet when everyone started poking fun at him. Poor boy. – Shi Ling, 26

Pet Rock

My friend and I picked out a random rock at the garden near our place and kept it as our pet rock. We even gave it a name and brought it with us everywhere in school. One day, we hid the rock in some part of the garden and we couldn’t find it when we went back the next day. We felt so sad after that, it was as if we really lost a real pet. – Marie, 23

Pretending To Be Wrestlers

The boys watched a lot of WWE back then. Once, I went to a friend’s house and a group of us were trying out some wrestling moves. I tried to mimic the wrestlers and jumped down from the top of a ladder and broke my arm. That was the first and last of our ‘wrestling session’. – Neo, 30

Raining Barbie Heads

My sister and I had a lot of Barbie dolls. At one point, I realised that I could pull the dolls’ heads off and fix it back so I started removing the heads quite often. We have this small window at the top of the toilet facing the shower area and once when my sister was bathing, I threw in the dolls’ heads through that window, for fun. She freaked out. – Jennifer, 21

Marksman

I was staying on the 9th floor and whenever I see kids playing at the playground downstairs, I'd take my water gun and shoot water at them from my window. And when their parents come up, I’d close all the doors and pretend no one was home. – Fabian, 24

Exploding Shit

I spent my childhood in Philippines and it was around New Year so my friends and I were playing with fire crackers. We stuck a fire cracker in a pile of dog shit and lit it up. The firecracker exploded along with the shit. It went all over the road and the cars around. We saw the car owners horrified as they came out to check their shit-stained cars but they never found out it was us. – Raymond, 20

Were You A Cheeky Child Too?

Childhood has got to be the best years of our lives. When else can you do and say darndest things like these and get away with it? And if you’re looking for someone to share all your embarrassing childhood tales with, try here. We’re pretty sure these have brought back some childhood memories of yours too. What are some of the stupidest things you’ve done as a kid? Share them with us in the comments! Also read, Meet 14-Year-Old Riddhi And Her 77-Year-Old Best Friend, Aunt Louise.
Is it possible to have a friend 60 years older than you? In today’s digital era where Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook are the average millennial’s best friend, you’ll be hard pressed to find millennials connecting with their family members ‘offline’. As millennials ourselves, we know how hard it is to feel and be close with our parents, much less our grandparents. And as our folks age, we do too. We start living our own lives and they start to lose touch with our generation. The many commitments and distractions don’t help either, and most of us are skeptical at the thought of bonding or being friends with our parents and grandparents. However, a very unlikely pair has proved us wrong. Meet 14-year-old student, Riddhi Rai and her best friend, 77-year-old retiree, Louise Bell.

When Riddhi Met Louise

Riddhi and Louise were complete strangers when they met at a social experiment Channel NewsAsia ran. Titled “Back to School”, this four-part series followed Riddhi, Louise, and 4 other pairs of strangers as they spent 10 weeks together.

Watch Episode 1 of Channel NewsAsia's Back to School <a href=" The experiment gave invaluable insights into 10 average Singaporeans' lives and proved that despite the huge age gaps, friendship is possible. While the episodes presented very interesting and endearing interactions between the Secondary school teenagers and their elderly partners, we wanted to find out more about what went on behind the scenes. We spoke to Riddhi, Louise, and the production team. Here’s how they succeeded in making friends out of strangers who are generations apart.

Breaking The Barriers

Like most teens, Riddhi has no clear direction in life yet. She doesn’t fit in with peers in her school either, and prefers her world of fan fiction and indie music.

As for ex-headhunter Louise, most of her time is spent on church activities and picking up different interests like crochet (to help with her Parkinson’s) and acro-aerobics (to keep herself fit).

Naturally, it took a bit of time to warm up to each other over the palpable age barrier. “She was shy, tall, and thin,” Louise recalled, “she reminded me of myself when I was younger, and I knew that I’ll need to be patient if I want her to open up.” Similarly, Riddhi felt nervous and a little bit awkward to be meeting someone she knew nothing about. Then, things got a lot easier when the pair found out that they’re both bookworms. Speaking to Louise over the phone, I could picture Louise smiling as she shared a fond memory of when they were getting to know each other, “Riddhi even brought me around her school library and we picked out books together.”

Becoming Friends

Despite the challenges in accommodating to each other’s needs, Riddhi and Louise grew to not only embrace, but help each other in their weaknesses.

In an Escape Room game, Riddhi went out of her way to lift Louise up as Louise was having a bit of trouble with her weak legs. It was there that Louise saw a different side of Riddhi: that she isn’t that shy after all.

As for Riddhi’s lack of confidence, Louise managed to break down the walls and got her to be more vocal about her inner thoughts and feelings.

As the pair did more activities together, producers saw how they started to inspire each other. “There’s still a bit to work on and I really hope to help her be more confident about herself,” Louise shared about her wish for Riddhi.

More Than Just Companionship

Having set out to test the success of intergenerational friendship researches done in US and Japan, the producers were “quite apprehensive about whether a simple friendship could make a difference, but the results showed a definite improvement.”

Not just for Riddhi and Louise, but the seniors from the other pairs also showed significant improvements in fitness, memory and mood, while the teenagers got a massive boost in self-esteem and a better attitude towards life. The pairs also formed real friendships and saw the other generation in a significantly better light. “She taught me to be more responsible and punctual,” Riddhi said. “(And) she opened up my eyes to how teenage girls today are like,” Louise added. Now, besides writing stories, reading books, or going for piano lessons, Riddhi would hang out with Louise. And Louise is more than happy to spend quality time with Riddhi, “Riddhi would actually call me and ask me if she can spend the day with me. I’d cook for her and we’d just talk about anything under the sun as we ate.”

Best Friends Forever?

Now that the 10-week ‘project’ has ended, how do Riddhi and Louise see each other? While Riddhi sees Louise as a good friend whom she can share problems with, Louise thinks of herself as Riddhi’s surrogate mother without the parental control, “I think Riddhi trusted me as an outsider, that’s why she shared her worries with me. It’s easier to share your problems to outsiders than to your own parents.” What is the secret to their surprising bond? “Listen, listen, and listen,” Louise emphasised, “seniors must take the first step to reach out, and don’t rush to impose or impart your knowledge until the young ones are ready to listen. Be patient.” And for the young ones, “Don’t judge someone just because of their age,” Riddhi shared. Watch the 10-week journey of Riddhi, Louise, and the other senior-teenager pairs on Channel NewsAsia’s Back to School <a href=" This story is written in collaboration with Channel NewsAsia. Also read, These 14 Heartwarming Stories Show That A Mother’s Love Is Like No Other.